So I was talking to the Italian Prime Minister today, and Silvio told me that the word "Republican" comes from the Latin word "Republici" which means easily fooled, or gullible (or gullable - it's spelled two different ways in the dictionary). Won't his face be red when I inform him that after looking through two dictionaries, two encyclopedias and all over the internet I found no proof that "Republican" means either "Gullible" or "easily fooled." Ha! Easily fooled... does he have any idea how much money it took to convince them to go to Iraq and re-elect me? Republicans aren't easily fooled, that kinda thing takes cash.
Silvio you old dog... fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times - you get added to the axis of evil my friend.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Monday, November 29, 2004
What the terrorists want, we won't give 'em...
Osama's right hand man (the equivalent of my Donny) left a taped message for America on TV yesterday.
"You can elect Bush, Kerry or Satan himself, it doesn't matter to us," Ayman al-Zawahiri said in a tape broadcast by the Arabic-language Al-Jazeera television network. "What's important to us is the U.S. policies toward Muslims."
So apparently the terrorists want fair treatment of Muslims... well we can't give them what they want because that would mean the terrorists have already won. So to err on the side of safety, I'm signing into law Executive order 9066 Version 2.0 - The imprisonment of all things brown. Nothing is more important to me than the safety of all non-brown Americans, because after all, isn't that what the founding fathers intended? If they wanted Muslims to have rights too they would have said something like "All men are created equal - including brown people." But they didn't. They obviously left that part of the birth of our nation open for interpretation.
(The imprisonment of all things brown - no exceptions)
Besides, let's face it people, brown = terrorists, there is even a website about it... http://www.brownequalsterrorist.com/. Seriously, we can all stop being PC about this crap and just come out and say it... we don't need darkies in our country anymore because the people of the South and Midwest have spoken semi-unanimously.
"You can elect Bush, Kerry or Satan himself, it doesn't matter to us," Ayman al-Zawahiri said in a tape broadcast by the Arabic-language Al-Jazeera television network. "What's important to us is the U.S. policies toward Muslims."
So apparently the terrorists want fair treatment of Muslims... well we can't give them what they want because that would mean the terrorists have already won. So to err on the side of safety, I'm signing into law Executive order 9066 Version 2.0 - The imprisonment of all things brown. Nothing is more important to me than the safety of all non-brown Americans, because after all, isn't that what the founding fathers intended? If they wanted Muslims to have rights too they would have said something like "All men are created equal - including brown people." But they didn't. They obviously left that part of the birth of our nation open for interpretation.
(The imprisonment of all things brown - no exceptions)
Besides, let's face it people, brown = terrorists, there is even a website about it... http://www.brownequalsterrorist.com/. Seriously, we can all stop being PC about this crap and just come out and say it... we don't need darkies in our country anymore because the people of the South and Midwest have spoken semi-unanimously.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Next they'll want me to pardon the gravy...
If you weren’t aware, every Thanksgiving it is customary for the President to pardon at least one turkey. Well we usually have a large ceremony and then send the turkey to go live on a farm in Virginia, sparing it from being killed, cooked and eaten. But if you know me at all, you know pardoning ain’t my style, so I thought this year; couldn’t we pardon the turkey posthumously? We did it for General Robert E. Lee (and he was delicious). Yeah… screw this saving a turkey shit, I want my cake, and I want to eat it too! Besides, I have a record to maintain... the only pardons I give are for when I pass wind.
(this is a picture I just found from when I made it last year)
(this is a picture I just found from when I made it last year)
Sunday, November 21, 2004
They make Soccer Moms seem interesting...
You know what the best part of winning this election is? I don’t have to pretend to like Nascar or Nascar dads ever again. Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ people, if you’re going to choose a boring ass sport to watch, make it baseball. If I have to see another flamboyant ass car make it around the same circular track one more time without a crash, I think I’m going to shoot myself, or at least someone in the pit crew…or the guy who waves the flag… no, better yet, I’ll just link Nascar dads to terrorism and bomb the shit out of all of them.
Nascar dads give white trash a bad name.
Nascar dads give white trash a bad name.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Multi-Level Marketing: The future of business…
I just signed up for this great new way to make buttloads of money with a minimal amount of effort! The company is called Vector Marketing, and they offer this awesome program where I get paid to sell knives to my friends and family. The trick to making lots of money, though, is by signing up more people to sell knives for Vector – easy as a pie baked by a woman! And every person they get to participate in the knife selling process means more money for me, and every person those people sign up means more money for me too, and so on and so forth for infinity - it’s like a pyramid of money making! If I sign up enough people, I won't even have to work and I'll earn millions of dollars!
Look at how sharp that knife is; they can literally cut through a tin can like it was a ripe tomato! So contact me if you want to get in on the ground floor of this awesome opportunity, but don't tell too many people, this is kind of on the DL until they talk to me.
Look at how sharp that knife is; they can literally cut through a tin can like it was a ripe tomato! So contact me if you want to get in on the ground floor of this awesome opportunity, but don't tell too many people, this is kind of on the DL until they talk to me.
Friday, November 19, 2004
Rapper accused in Vibe Awards stabbing surrenders:
My question is, why did they even let a rapist into the building? The VIBE awards show is bootylicious, you're just asking for trouble. I have a zero tolerance rule for that kind of thing; you rape a girl, you aren't allowed to go to any more awards shows. That should be a law.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Breakthrough!!
OMG OMG OMG!! So I’ve totally been crushing on Condi for like months now, and yesterday I finally got the courage to send her a letter, and this morning she got back to me! Not only did she say yes, but check out what she drew at the bottom of the note!!
I can’t be for sure, but I think I can definitely say I have the will of the Condi!
I can’t be for sure, but I think I can definitely say I have the will of the Condi!
Monday, November 15, 2004
Pssh, they don't have feelings anyway...
Well if you watch any of those liberal news stations like CNN or FOX you know what kind of shit storm I should be in, but this time around I have the will of the people, so it doesn't really matter what I do or say. That guy deserved it! I know he was supposedly "unarmed," and apparently "wounded," but those are just words - crazy ideals! They aren't tangible like Freedom, Liberty and Democracy. In the long run, that guy will be thankful we went in there and liberated him from Saddam. Hell, Saddam might have used bullets instead of freedom liberty and democracy, and that would have really hurt. So people of Iraq, there is no need to thank me, it was my pleasure.
(we are working on a prototype weapon that shoots Justice! all over the face of the unsuspecting terrorist)
(we are working on a prototype weapon that shoots Justice! all over the face of the unsuspecting terrorist)
Saturday, November 13, 2004
Hang in there Dick!
I’m sure you’ve all heard it reported in the news that earlier this week Dick Cheney was checked out by doctors for shortness of breath. We’ve known of this health concern for a while now, but unfortunately there is nothing we can do to stop it. Dick Cheney has been infected with the rare RAGE virus, which was brilliantly depicted in the 2002 zombie film 28 Days Later. For those of you unfamiliar with the film (awesome scary movie) a rare virus rapidly spreads throughout the world infecting each person it encounters – the victims are then turned into blood thirsty zombies that roam the streets looking for more people to hurt/infect. It’s just too bad a man like Dick was infected in the prime of his life… Luckily, Dick is a fighter, and although infected, he does not appear to be showing any signs of this debilitating disease…
Before Infection:
After Infection:
Hang in there Dick! Everyone at the White House is pulling for you!
Well it’s either that, or another heart attack. What do I know, I’m not a doctor.
Before Infection:
After Infection:
Hang in there Dick! Everyone at the White House is pulling for you!
Well it’s either that, or another heart attack. What do I know, I’m not a doctor.
Friday, November 12, 2004
Michael Moore is Asking For It
Michael Moore has apparently announced plans to film a sequel to his Fahrenheit 9/11 – in response; I’ve decided to invade another country. Your move Mr. Moore, your move.
I call my plan the War on Documentaries. We relentlessly invade another country every time a film maker shoots a discouraging film about me, that way the film industry will realize it is useless to argue and will give up - just as the terrorists will realize their struggle is useless, you know, once we kill enough of them. It’s all in the numbers. You kill one Middle Eastern person, you have one less Middle Eastern person angry at you. The trick is, to kill their whole family though, that way you don’t get upset sons and daughters calling a Jihad on your ass. Ironic thing about that though, is once you kill an entire family, they tend to have extended relatives and country men angry at you. It’s tricky but we’re getting the hang of it!
So Michael Moore, if you read my blog, just give up. Hollywood will crumble under the mighty power of America, eventually. Don’t drag this out like the terrorists are… you’re not a terrorist… are you Mr. Moore?
(the difference between Hollywood and the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln - Hollywood just isn't as dramatic)
I call my plan the War on Documentaries. We relentlessly invade another country every time a film maker shoots a discouraging film about me, that way the film industry will realize it is useless to argue and will give up - just as the terrorists will realize their struggle is useless, you know, once we kill enough of them. It’s all in the numbers. You kill one Middle Eastern person, you have one less Middle Eastern person angry at you. The trick is, to kill their whole family though, that way you don’t get upset sons and daughters calling a Jihad on your ass. Ironic thing about that though, is once you kill an entire family, they tend to have extended relatives and country men angry at you. It’s tricky but we’re getting the hang of it!
So Michael Moore, if you read my blog, just give up. Hollywood will crumble under the mighty power of America, eventually. Don’t drag this out like the terrorists are… you’re not a terrorist… are you Mr. Moore?
(the difference between Hollywood and the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln - Hollywood just isn't as dramatic)
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Ashcroft "Resigns"
Well Attorney General John Ashcroft will have to resign for my second term, partly because of his unwavering support for the Patriot Act, his extreme religious views and his strong anti-abortion stance, but mainly because of his controversial “No Child Left Behind Act.” I know what you’re thinking, but no, it is not in any way related to my education act of the same name; it is quite a bit more gruesome.
Ashcroft heard some rumors about a messiah born somewhere in the country and he was afraid religious nuts might start worshiping him and take away from our power; long story short, he pretty much wants to kill American children. I tried reasoning with him; I explained there were other ways to kill Americans – discreetly! The man is a little nutso for the religion – I say anyone who’s that into religion has some confidence problems… Well I hate to see him go, but at least it will be a little quieter around the White House without him.
Ashcroft heard some rumors about a messiah born somewhere in the country and he was afraid religious nuts might start worshiping him and take away from our power; long story short, he pretty much wants to kill American children. I tried reasoning with him; I explained there were other ways to kill Americans – discreetly! The man is a little nutso for the religion – I say anyone who’s that into religion has some confidence problems… Well I hate to see him go, but at least it will be a little quieter around the White House without him.
Monday, November 08, 2004
just… too… damn… HOT
Just look at her *sigh*. If you think this is a good shot, you should see the view from the back. Daaaamn… Whenever I talk to her I immediately begin to stumble, trip and fall all over my words – I sound like Jethro Bodine from the Beverly Hillbillies, but without the 3rd grade education. It can be so embarrassing. Around anyone else, I’m a regular sweet talker, my words flow like honey, but you get Condi in the room… *sigh*
Sunday, November 07, 2004
A Postwar Plan for Iraq
The complaint I hear most often is that I never had a postwar plan for Iraq. Well I’ve always had a plan for Iraq, but to be completely honest, it was lost until just recently. You know, it’s always in the last place you’d ever look, in this case – sitting on my desk; conveniently used as a coaster. This image is not the original, but was transcribed from the napkin onto an aerial photograph of Baghdad to give it that extra touch of professionalism that the White House so often lacks.
So here it is; the post war Iraq plan…
(arrows indicate where things go)
So here it is; the post war Iraq plan…
(arrows indicate where things go)
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Possible Warning Signs of "Sadness"
It seems to me that the Democrats - Kerry in particular - are taking this loss pretty hard. The standard response appears to be uncontrollable sobbing followed by hours of inconsolable pain marked my long periods of silence and a gentle rocking motion. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I had a conversation with Kerry last night on instant messenger...
Poor guy seems all tuckered out.
Poor guy seems all tuckered out.
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
This time it's forealz!
I think there has never been a more appropriate time to say Boo Ya bitches! Yeah, you thought you’d be able to stop me by voting, but you were wrong as usual. Nothing stops Bush baby, I’m invincible! No amount of slander/truth can get me out of office or stop this blog.
The only downside I can see to this whole being the President thing is that it will definitely take time away from my real passion… the rodeo.
I wonder how Kerry is holding up, I should really IM him sometime…
The only downside I can see to this whole being the President thing is that it will definitely take time away from my real passion… the rodeo.
I wonder how Kerry is holding up, I should really IM him sometime…
Friday, October 22, 2004
Flair and Balanced
Douche bag John Kerry appeared on a talk show recently wearing an exaggeratedly oversized American flag lapel pin, as if to say he was more patriotic.
Well, not to be out done, I added more flair to my suit last week while working the bully pulpit, needless to say I look extremely proud to be an American.
Yet douche bag John Kerry fired back by wearing a ridiculous American Flag suit. Unfortunately for me, he looks strikingly similar to Uncle Sam, and I am therefore in a rush to find an even more flamboyant way to prove my patriotism to the American people.
Perhaps...
Well, not to be out done, I added more flair to my suit last week while working the bully pulpit, needless to say I look extremely proud to be an American.
Yet douche bag John Kerry fired back by wearing a ridiculous American Flag suit. Unfortunately for me, he looks strikingly similar to Uncle Sam, and I am therefore in a rush to find an even more flamboyant way to prove my patriotism to the American people.
Perhaps...
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Axis of Evil
How come the Axis of Evil has more countries than the Coalition of the Willing? What's with that?
(Coalition of the Willing - and just look how willing!)
(Axis of Evil - I couldn't find a nasty looking picture of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, that guy's always waving!)
C.O.W. - USA, UK, Poland, Italy and Australia
Axis of Evil - Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Tony Danza, Libya, Syria and Cuba
I'm seriously going to have to take one of those countries off the Axis altogether just to even things out. And whatever happened to "you're either with us or against us." According to my list, Germany is teetering dangerously close to being against our involvement in Iraq, and if they aren't on our side soon, they're going to be against us very soon.
This is a war on terror, people! We need to all work together! Iraq is a hotbed of terrorist activity! We had to kill 200 terrorists on the streets of Fallujah just yesterday!
Hell, half of America isn’t even with us, and that makes them against us, which makes them on the Axis of Evil. That’s it, I’m updating this list…
Washington, Oregon, California, New Mexico, Iowa, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Vermont, New York, New jersey, Delaware, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maine, Hawaii, and Rhode Island; you've just been added to the Axis of Evil. I hope you're happy.
(Coalition of the Willing - and just look how willing!)
(Axis of Evil - I couldn't find a nasty looking picture of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, that guy's always waving!)
C.O.W. - USA, UK, Poland, Italy and Australia
Axis of Evil - Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Tony Danza, Libya, Syria and Cuba
I'm seriously going to have to take one of those countries off the Axis altogether just to even things out. And whatever happened to "you're either with us or against us." According to my list, Germany is teetering dangerously close to being against our involvement in Iraq, and if they aren't on our side soon, they're going to be against us very soon.
This is a war on terror, people! We need to all work together! Iraq is a hotbed of terrorist activity! We had to kill 200 terrorists on the streets of Fallujah just yesterday!
Hell, half of America isn’t even with us, and that makes them against us, which makes them on the Axis of Evil. That’s it, I’m updating this list…
Washington, Oregon, California, New Mexico, Iowa, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Vermont, New York, New jersey, Delaware, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maine, Hawaii, and Rhode Island; you've just been added to the Axis of Evil. I hope you're happy.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Another Terrorist Identified!
The noose is tightening around the evil doer’s of Al Qaeda. This is an image of terrorist leader Hamden ibn Zayad Al-Nayan, and another unidentified man who is of no relevance. Rest assured – we will hunt down these terrorists and anyone who aids or associates with them, then bring them to justice! Any country or individual who supplies terrorists with weapons is considered a threat and a part of the axis of evil. You know who you are!
Karl Rove Attempts Suicide...
I should have seen the warning signs...
(Senior Advisor Karl Rove lays down in front of Airforce One in an attempt to take his own life...)
I feel absolutely horrible... He even came to me a week ago and started offering me all his stuff. The part I feel worst about though, is that I took it all. Even his ipod, and I already have an ipod of my own. Does that make me a bad person? Now I have the awkward situation of deciding whether to give it back. I mean he gave it to me right, so technically it is mine, but at the same time, seeing as he is still alive and all, I suppose he might want some of it back. Well I will definitely give the ipod back, because I already have one and I believe it is the right thing to do (I have a very strong conscience).
He actually said that was why he tried to kill himself; he started listening to his conscience. But that's what the terrorists want us to do! If we start listening to our conscience, then the terrorists have already won...
That settles it, I'm keeping the ipod - not because I want or need it - but because the terrorists want me to give it back. That's not a bad idea for a new Doctrine... Do the Opposite of What the Terrorists Want, No Matter What Doctrine... Well I can think of a better name for it later.
(Senior Advisor Karl Rove lays down in front of Airforce One in an attempt to take his own life...)
I feel absolutely horrible... He even came to me a week ago and started offering me all his stuff. The part I feel worst about though, is that I took it all. Even his ipod, and I already have an ipod of my own. Does that make me a bad person? Now I have the awkward situation of deciding whether to give it back. I mean he gave it to me right, so technically it is mine, but at the same time, seeing as he is still alive and all, I suppose he might want some of it back. Well I will definitely give the ipod back, because I already have one and I believe it is the right thing to do (I have a very strong conscience).
He actually said that was why he tried to kill himself; he started listening to his conscience. But that's what the terrorists want us to do! If we start listening to our conscience, then the terrorists have already won...
That settles it, I'm keeping the ipod - not because I want or need it - but because the terrorists want me to give it back. That's not a bad idea for a new Doctrine... Do the Opposite of What the Terrorists Want, No Matter What Doctrine... Well I can think of a better name for it later.
Saturday, October 16, 2004
I'm Done Workin'... Kerry Can Have My Friggin' Job
Uhhhggg... do I have to hear about AIDS again? I have wars to plan and people to kill, and all they want me to work on is the AIDS epidemic in Africa. Reagan was right! This is a disease sent by God to punish the wicked for being Gays. I just didn't realize how fruity Africa was until just recently... over 30 million people in Africa have AIDS and are assumedly a Gay. Wait a minute... let me do the math real quick...
Whoa wait a second, 30 to 40 percent of the population of some of these countries are Gays with AIDS. That can't be right! Whatever, it is not the point. The point is people want me to solve this problem and I'm just one man... One man... What can I do?
Luckily I'm the President, so I don't have to think of things to do, I have people to do that for me - and in this case my people suggested I take a stance of abstinence. That makes sense, because abstinence works so well in American High Schools - it has to work in the middle of the friggin' desert.
Our only other option was to spend the 15 billion dollars set aside by congress to solve the problem with condoms, and we all know that condoms may prevent people from getting AIDS, but it doesn't prevent them from having sex out of wedlock - the real issue here. That's why I get paid the big bucks, cause I think outside the box.
So, help me stop the AIDS epidemic; by forcing 1/3 the population of Africa to stop "doin' it," as the kids like to say.
Unless...
We could somehow contain the entire continent so as not to infect us...
Whoa wait a second, 30 to 40 percent of the population of some of these countries are Gays with AIDS. That can't be right! Whatever, it is not the point. The point is people want me to solve this problem and I'm just one man... One man... What can I do?
Luckily I'm the President, so I don't have to think of things to do, I have people to do that for me - and in this case my people suggested I take a stance of abstinence. That makes sense, because abstinence works so well in American High Schools - it has to work in the middle of the friggin' desert.
Our only other option was to spend the 15 billion dollars set aside by congress to solve the problem with condoms, and we all know that condoms may prevent people from getting AIDS, but it doesn't prevent them from having sex out of wedlock - the real issue here. That's why I get paid the big bucks, cause I think outside the box.
So, help me stop the AIDS epidemic; by forcing 1/3 the population of Africa to stop "doin' it," as the kids like to say.
Unless...
We could somehow contain the entire continent so as not to infect us...
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Terrorist Level: Fuschia
So there was like some sort of terrorist threat today immediately following the Presidential Debates, and I was rushed off to a "secret" city designed and used solely by government officials. I'll bet you can't guess where I am! Ok, I'll give you a few hints, but if you figure it out don't tell the axis of evil...
I'm nibblin' on sponge cake...
I've spent the entire day looking for my lost shaker of salt...
There's booze in my blender...
Still can't guess?! Well I guess it is a secret for a reason, and I suppose if you can't figure it out you probably shouldn't know; the government is like that sometimes. I've also brought along some close personal friends of mine, and I'll bet you'll have a hard time guessing who they are... Here are some more clues...
One of my friends' name rhymes with Prick Laney...
This other "friend" of mine was the real masterminded of the "War on Drugs," the "War on Terror," and the equally popular, but less mentioned "War on Fatties."
This special guest's name starts with an 'S', ends with an 'R' and has an 'chwarzenegge' in the middle...
If you must know, I've provided an answer key at the bottom...
Add up the points and see how you did:
- 0 out of 4 - not good, one of those was a giveaway!
- 1 out of 4 - congratulations, your GED is in the mail!
- 2 out of 4 - you belong in a mid-level federal government position!
- 3 out of 4 - you really know your leaders and their secret hide aways!
- 4 out of 4 - awesome! Have you considered working for the NSA?
Answer key:
A. Secret hide away - Margaritaville
B. Dick Cheney
C. Dad!
D. Condi Rice
I'm nibblin' on sponge cake...
I've spent the entire day looking for my lost shaker of salt...
There's booze in my blender...
Still can't guess?! Well I guess it is a secret for a reason, and I suppose if you can't figure it out you probably shouldn't know; the government is like that sometimes. I've also brought along some close personal friends of mine, and I'll bet you'll have a hard time guessing who they are... Here are some more clues...
One of my friends' name rhymes with Prick Laney...
This other "friend" of mine was the real masterminded of the "War on Drugs," the "War on Terror," and the equally popular, but less mentioned "War on Fatties."
This special guest's name starts with an 'S', ends with an 'R' and has an 'chwarzenegge' in the middle...
If you must know, I've provided an answer key at the bottom...
Add up the points and see how you did:
- 0 out of 4 - not good, one of those was a giveaway!
- 1 out of 4 - congratulations, your GED is in the mail!
- 2 out of 4 - you belong in a mid-level federal government position!
- 3 out of 4 - you really know your leaders and their secret hide aways!
- 4 out of 4 - awesome! Have you considered working for the NSA?
Answer key:
A. Secret hide away - Margaritaville
B. Dick Cheney
C. Dad!
D. Condi Rice
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Electronic Voting
Some people are worried about Electronic Voting because they say my administration might take advantage of its flaws, but did you know that those Electronic Voting machines use the same reliable Windows Operating System which never crashes on your home computer? I wouldn't know, because I use a Mac, but I hear that Windows has had very few, if any, security breeches, so there is absolutely no chance whatsoever that some disgruntled twenty-something with nothing to lose and an enflamed ego, upset with the world and its current politics, will ever get past the impenetrable fortress that is – Windows.
Besides, what are the odds that voting could get screwed up two elections in a row? I trust the American people (every last one of them, even the 6.9 million Americans in prison or on parole [that’s only 3.2 % of the population!]), don’t you?
Well, I trust everyone except the Arab-Americans, because they come from the Fertile Crescent, and that sounds like an innuendo for a moon shaped vagina - which both confuses, and scares me.
(Fertile Crescent... or sideways vagina?)
Besides, what are the odds that voting could get screwed up two elections in a row? I trust the American people (every last one of them, even the 6.9 million Americans in prison or on parole [that’s only 3.2 % of the population!]), don’t you?
Well, I trust everyone except the Arab-Americans, because they come from the Fertile Crescent, and that sounds like an innuendo for a moon shaped vagina - which both confuses, and scares me.
(Fertile Crescent... or sideways vagina?)
Monday, October 11, 2004
Workin’ My Air Guitar to: Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen
Damn this song is awesome, makes me want to pump billions back into our aging space program! Well, billions more that is.
Slept in today, woke up at around 3 and realized I’d missed all my meetings. Welp, nothing I can do now. I love it how nobody ever asks me to explain where I’ve been. It’s like they all assume I’m completely infallible (which I practically am), and then everyone else tries to cover for me just to maintain that infallible image to justify the fact they supported someone who was wrong. But sometimes I wished they’d just talk to me, ya know? Like this whole Texas Air National Guard thing, accusations, accusations, accusations! Has anyone even asked me if I showed up for duty?! No! They always ask my press secretaries or my campaign headquarters. Hello, I have a phone! Write me a letter! Shoot me an email for Christ’s sake, but don’t go around making assumptions. If Dan Rather really wanted me to admit I didn’t show up for duty and that I only completed 300 of my 500 flight hours to satisfy my combat equivalency, he could have just asked. Hell, most of those records are public anyway; he could have read a book.
Now am I saying I want to be persecuted for all the crap I pulled while I was supposed to be in Vietnam – No! But when Clinton was President he got to do all sorts of Press meetings, and answer all sorts of questions, and he got the chance to lie and/or admit guilt publicly, a right which I have been denied! Now I know what all of those poor tortured prisoners in Iraq feel like. The ones under Saddam’s reign, not mine.
On the plus side, all this lying people do for me means less public speaking – always a plus. Well it’s almost bed time, better run down and hit up the masseuse before she heads home for the night.
Don’t stop me don’t stop me
Don’t stop me hey hey hey!
Don’t stop me don’t stop me ooh ooh ooh (I like it)
Don’t stop me don’t stop me
Have a good time good time
Don’t stop me don’t stop me ah!
I’m a rocket ship on my way to mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite I’m out of control
I am a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to
Oh oh oh oh oh explode
I’m burning through the sky yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That’s why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit
I’m trav’ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman of you
-Queen
Friday, October 08, 2004
Who Would God Vote For?
If you have any doubt in your mind about who to vote for in the upcoming election, let me just say that I think I have one very valuable endorsement from a little guy known as the Big Guy upstairs.
(Michelangelo's Creation of Bush)
Now, I can’t be for sure (after all, the picture is something I did in Photoshop and not an authentic Michelangelo rendition of the Creation of Man), but I believe I can assume the Big Guy is in favor of me for several reasons.
First of all, I went to war (not in the sense that I fought in war, but that I sent others to fight in war), and when America goes to war, God is always in our favor – against the gooks, against the japs, against the nips, against the krauts, against the reds, against the tories, against the rebs, against the spics, against the reds again, and against the bugs (rent Starship Troopers, brilliant documentary about one of our finest intergalactic victories). God wanted them all to lose, and for the most part they did, except the tories the second time around and some of the gooks.
Second of all, John Kerry is a Catholic, and we all know Catholics have a tendency to die during their first term as President – another sign from God that Catholicism is the worst/wrong religion.
Finally, if God didn’t want me to be President, He would have said something already, or tried to kill me in some obscure fashion thereby leaving evidence of His will, but simultaneously shrouding it in such obscurity that doubt would still remain. For instance, if I choked on, let’s say; a piece of steak, fell while riding some impossibly stable transportation device, or formed grotesquely visible legions all over my skin. Now those would be clear indicators from God that He didn’t want me to be President. Obviously nothing like that has happened during my Presidency, so we can assume God likes my political stance on issues like the Right to Bear Arms in Heaven, or the right to keep Gays out of Heaven. God works in mysterious ways, and God wants Four More Years!
(Michelangelo's Creation of Bush)
Now, I can’t be for sure (after all, the picture is something I did in Photoshop and not an authentic Michelangelo rendition of the Creation of Man), but I believe I can assume the Big Guy is in favor of me for several reasons.
First of all, I went to war (not in the sense that I fought in war, but that I sent others to fight in war), and when America goes to war, God is always in our favor – against the gooks, against the japs, against the nips, against the krauts, against the reds, against the tories, against the rebs, against the spics, against the reds again, and against the bugs (rent Starship Troopers, brilliant documentary about one of our finest intergalactic victories). God wanted them all to lose, and for the most part they did, except the tories the second time around and some of the gooks.
Second of all, John Kerry is a Catholic, and we all know Catholics have a tendency to die during their first term as President – another sign from God that Catholicism is the worst/wrong religion.
Finally, if God didn’t want me to be President, He would have said something already, or tried to kill me in some obscure fashion thereby leaving evidence of His will, but simultaneously shrouding it in such obscurity that doubt would still remain. For instance, if I choked on, let’s say; a piece of steak, fell while riding some impossibly stable transportation device, or formed grotesquely visible legions all over my skin. Now those would be clear indicators from God that He didn’t want me to be President. Obviously nothing like that has happened during my Presidency, so we can assume God likes my political stance on issues like the Right to Bear Arms in Heaven, or the right to keep Gays out of Heaven. God works in mysterious ways, and God wants Four More Years!
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Proof Saddam Considered Intending to Re-start Thinking about Re-Starting Iraqi Weapons Program!
All you liberal whackos out there who said Saddam wasn’t a threat to America? Well I have proof he was!
The CIA created a mind reading device (see photo)
which was placed on Saddam’s head late last night, and the results which came back were startling. Among the thoughts we extracted from his mind were these tasty unpatriotic, anti-American tidbits…
(Actual thoughts of Saddam)
“Man, what happened, this sucks.”
“I wish I was in Cuba.”
“Ya know, maybe I should have made weapons of mass destruction. Yes, in hindsight, if I knew they were going to invade me anyway, I would have made weapons. Damn, I should have been prepared. This is what I get for being optimistic.”
“I wish I knew that Osama Bin Laden guy right about now.”
“I have to admit, Bush did look very heroic in the weeks that followed September 11th; hanging out with those firefighters was a way better photo op than me shooting a shotgun from a balcony. I need to get that Scott McClellan guy. Hell, if i knew they'd invade me I would have helped Bin Laden with the attacks. I'm such a fool! Ah hell, I did everything wrong!”
“Is it potato, or potatoe?”
“Why me!?”
“I wonder if I could get that hot Abu Ghraib prison guard to come down here, strip me naked, and then walk me around on a leash again... what can I say, I have a thing for chicks with short hair in army clothes.”
So it looks like my doctrine of pre-emptive preemption based an assumptions was accurate… I dare anyone to dispute that!
The CIA created a mind reading device (see photo)
which was placed on Saddam’s head late last night, and the results which came back were startling. Among the thoughts we extracted from his mind were these tasty unpatriotic, anti-American tidbits…
(Actual thoughts of Saddam)
“Man, what happened, this sucks.”
“I wish I was in Cuba.”
“Ya know, maybe I should have made weapons of mass destruction. Yes, in hindsight, if I knew they were going to invade me anyway, I would have made weapons. Damn, I should have been prepared. This is what I get for being optimistic.”
“I wish I knew that Osama Bin Laden guy right about now.”
“I have to admit, Bush did look very heroic in the weeks that followed September 11th; hanging out with those firefighters was a way better photo op than me shooting a shotgun from a balcony. I need to get that Scott McClellan guy. Hell, if i knew they'd invade me I would have helped Bin Laden with the attacks. I'm such a fool! Ah hell, I did everything wrong!”
“Is it potato, or potatoe?”
“Why me!?”
“I wonder if I could get that hot Abu Ghraib prison guard to come down here, strip me naked, and then walk me around on a leash again... what can I say, I have a thing for chicks with short hair in army clothes.”
So it looks like my doctrine of pre-emptive preemption based an assumptions was accurate… I dare anyone to dispute that!
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Who's to Blame for the Middle East Crisis -
& some insightful solutions
Any idiot could tell you that these suicide bombings in Israel have been going on for months now, and I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm the President of the most powerful nation in the world, perhaps I could do something." But before we solve this complicated and devastating situation, we must first understand it...
A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE WORLD:
A wise man once said, “The answers to all of life’s questions are in the Bible.” My question is, “Who is to blame for the problem in the Middle East?” The answer to my question:
Jesus.
Now hear me out… None of this would have happened if Jesus had only shaved his beard, dressed like a woman, and moved to Afghanistan. Let me explain. Two thousand and four years ago, a man named Jesus was killed in front of a Jewish mob in Jerusalem. Nothing really happened after that for another 1,913 years except a lot of Jewish persecution, and possibly some sort of renaissance. But one year later, all hell broke loose when Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated. All of a sudden, everyone was enemies with everyone, and your mother. One guy said one thing, another snapped back, some things were said that people really didn’t mean, and the world went to shit.
When the dust… and bullets… and mortars… and grenades… and body parts settled, Europe looked worse than a Mike Tyson bachelor party (see photograph).
When America asked, “Who did this?” Europe replied in unison, “He started it,” gesturing wildly at everyone else on the continent. Unfortunately for Germany, a majority of the fingers were pointed in the direction of the man with the pointy hat eating the bratwurst, and so a lifetime of punitive damages was sentenced upon Germany, and Germany could not afford it with such high APR rates and an already sketchy credit history.
Meanwhile, Jesus was still dead.
A few years of rebuilding a devastated infrastructure and shattered economy followed, a pogrom here and there, maybe a nice little Jewish wedding and that brings us up to the mid- 1930’s. Now, you can understand the German people are not in the best place right now; they just lost a war, they are not allowed to build an army to defend themselves… and they are German. It was a tough time to be around. Then along comes a guy named Adolph who promises the German people power, money, funny mustaches! Adolph tells the people of Germany,
“Its not your fault life is so crummy; blame it on the inferior Jew! He killed Jesus! His hair is not blonde! He is responsible for your awful lot in life!”
The people of Germany believe it, and why not? It makes sense… I mean, they are inferior right… maybe the Jews did kill our prophet… I suppose their hair is not a beautiful shade of blonde. Lets face it Germany, how can you be expected to accept responsibility with hair as beautiful as yours?! The problem with humans starts with the fact that they can not take blame for their actions (which will tie in later to a man named Donald Rumsfeld, who still refuses to accept responsibility for taking a bite of my turkey sandwich I left in the fridge with my name on it, see photo).
So Adolph goes around killing Jews with the will of all of Germany. Long story short, the war ends and the Jews are freed back into a country that hates them as much as I do. Some of the Jewish people are hesitant to go back home to neighbors that in the preceding years were literally trying to kill them, and so the United Nations with not much more to do with their time in 1947, sent some of the Jewish people back to their roots; the place where that Jesus guy was executed; Jerusalem.
No more worries, right!
EXCUSE ME SIR, I WAS LIVING THERE:
What the Hell? Who put people here? The following is actual dialogue from the first few days of the relocation of the Jewish people.
“Excuse me Jew, but I was living there.”
“I don’t see your name on it.”
“Uh, it is right there on that sign that says Palestine.”
“I believe the Jews were here first, pssh (does the hand thing).”
“No, you see Palestinians have been living here for the last few centuries."
“Well the Jews lived here several centuries before you, and I believe the Jewish people called Tapsies (Tapsies is Yiddish for Dibbsies).”
You can feel the tension in the conversation already, and that was before it got bad. Within a year of the UN’s relocation plan, Israel declared itself a state in what was originally British-controlled Palestine.
“Peace” existed for roughly 12 years until, in 1960; Gamal Nasser proclaimed that Egypt and the Arab world would never recognize a Jewish state. So began the preparations for the Six Days War (which was later declared in 1962 the worst name for a war ever), with the bombing of Israel from the Golan Heights by Syria. Once again a few words were exchanged, and again some people said some things they did not mean while simultaneously Egyptian troops moved towards the border of Israel at the Sinai Peninsula. On May 18, 1967, the Six Day War began when the UN emergency forces were expelled from protecting Israel, and the voice of the Arabs declared,
“As of today, there no longer exists an international emergency force to protect Israel. We shall exercise patience no more. We shall not complain any more to the UN about Israel. The sole method we shall apply against Israel is total war, which will result in the extermination of the Zionist existence. Also, as of today, the Bon Marche will be having blowout prices on all clothing in prepartion for the big back to school sale.”
Make another long story short; after the unsuccessful Six Day War ended the dust settled again and in a complete reversal Israel now controlled the Golan Heights, The Sinai Peninsula, the Gaza strip, and the West side of the Jordan river known as the West Bank. This total turn around in events has been compared to the Vietnamese success in the Vietnam War, but at least we did not lose Montana, Virginia, California, and parts of the Mississippi in the whole mix up. Despite the somewhat embarrassing defeat of the Arab people, “peace” existed for another five years until the UN ran out of things to do again, and adopted resolution 242 which created peace with Israel’s adjacent countries in exchange for the lands that were seized during the Six Day War. Problem solved, right?
THE CURRENT SITUATION:
For the last couple of decades, Israel and Palestine have been sharing the land… sort of. Israel controls it, but allows Palestinians to live in reservation type deals, similar to how we held up the Native Americans. Unfortunately for Israel, the old small pox infected blanket routine had been done to death, and the Palestinians were on to our game. So once again, Palestine is upset that they do not own their own land, and that they are a guest in occupied territory. In the immortal words of Met's announcer Bob Murphy,
"And heeerrrreeee coommee the suicide bombings"
Because that is the way to get things done! The whole idea of peace negotiations brings out the suicide bombers like insects to road kill, because their doctrine of kill and be killed is the only solution to wiping the other side off the planet. Hell, if those two don’t knock it off, I am about to come back there and give them something to bitch about. Hence the American involvement begins.
Like my father to disputes with my brothers, America stuck its big fat head into what really was not our problem to begin with. It seems that in trying to help out relocated, persecuted, bombed out Jews, we made more enemies by supplying the Israeli’s with our own weapons (by the way, my dad never gave us weapons to help my brother or myself during our fights. My dad spent his time giving weapons to the Iraqis when he worked as the director of the CIA, and then taking them away as President when he invaded that country later in 1991).
THE SOLUTION:
So there are only two solutions to the Middle East issue that America could execute without making enemies. We can either go back in time and kill that son of a God Jesus before that prick Pontius Pilot gets a chance at him, or settle the issue with the relocation of Palestinians… To Montana, because lets face it people, I’m not using it, are you? They can live happily ever after with the Asians for all I care. Problem solved.
Any idiot could tell you that these suicide bombings in Israel have been going on for months now, and I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm the President of the most powerful nation in the world, perhaps I could do something." But before we solve this complicated and devastating situation, we must first understand it...
A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE WORLD:
A wise man once said, “The answers to all of life’s questions are in the Bible.” My question is, “Who is to blame for the problem in the Middle East?” The answer to my question:
Jesus.
Now hear me out… None of this would have happened if Jesus had only shaved his beard, dressed like a woman, and moved to Afghanistan. Let me explain. Two thousand and four years ago, a man named Jesus was killed in front of a Jewish mob in Jerusalem. Nothing really happened after that for another 1,913 years except a lot of Jewish persecution, and possibly some sort of renaissance. But one year later, all hell broke loose when Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated. All of a sudden, everyone was enemies with everyone, and your mother. One guy said one thing, another snapped back, some things were said that people really didn’t mean, and the world went to shit.
When the dust… and bullets… and mortars… and grenades… and body parts settled, Europe looked worse than a Mike Tyson bachelor party (see photograph).
When America asked, “Who did this?” Europe replied in unison, “He started it,” gesturing wildly at everyone else on the continent. Unfortunately for Germany, a majority of the fingers were pointed in the direction of the man with the pointy hat eating the bratwurst, and so a lifetime of punitive damages was sentenced upon Germany, and Germany could not afford it with such high APR rates and an already sketchy credit history.
Meanwhile, Jesus was still dead.
A few years of rebuilding a devastated infrastructure and shattered economy followed, a pogrom here and there, maybe a nice little Jewish wedding and that brings us up to the mid- 1930’s. Now, you can understand the German people are not in the best place right now; they just lost a war, they are not allowed to build an army to defend themselves… and they are German. It was a tough time to be around. Then along comes a guy named Adolph who promises the German people power, money, funny mustaches! Adolph tells the people of Germany,
“Its not your fault life is so crummy; blame it on the inferior Jew! He killed Jesus! His hair is not blonde! He is responsible for your awful lot in life!”
The people of Germany believe it, and why not? It makes sense… I mean, they are inferior right… maybe the Jews did kill our prophet… I suppose their hair is not a beautiful shade of blonde. Lets face it Germany, how can you be expected to accept responsibility with hair as beautiful as yours?! The problem with humans starts with the fact that they can not take blame for their actions (which will tie in later to a man named Donald Rumsfeld, who still refuses to accept responsibility for taking a bite of my turkey sandwich I left in the fridge with my name on it, see photo).
So Adolph goes around killing Jews with the will of all of Germany. Long story short, the war ends and the Jews are freed back into a country that hates them as much as I do. Some of the Jewish people are hesitant to go back home to neighbors that in the preceding years were literally trying to kill them, and so the United Nations with not much more to do with their time in 1947, sent some of the Jewish people back to their roots; the place where that Jesus guy was executed; Jerusalem.
No more worries, right!
EXCUSE ME SIR, I WAS LIVING THERE:
What the Hell? Who put people here? The following is actual dialogue from the first few days of the relocation of the Jewish people.
“Excuse me Jew, but I was living there.”
“I don’t see your name on it.”
“Uh, it is right there on that sign that says Palestine.”
“I believe the Jews were here first, pssh (does the hand thing).”
“No, you see Palestinians have been living here for the last few centuries."
“Well the Jews lived here several centuries before you, and I believe the Jewish people called Tapsies (Tapsies is Yiddish for Dibbsies).”
You can feel the tension in the conversation already, and that was before it got bad. Within a year of the UN’s relocation plan, Israel declared itself a state in what was originally British-controlled Palestine.
“Peace” existed for roughly 12 years until, in 1960; Gamal Nasser proclaimed that Egypt and the Arab world would never recognize a Jewish state. So began the preparations for the Six Days War (which was later declared in 1962 the worst name for a war ever), with the bombing of Israel from the Golan Heights by Syria. Once again a few words were exchanged, and again some people said some things they did not mean while simultaneously Egyptian troops moved towards the border of Israel at the Sinai Peninsula. On May 18, 1967, the Six Day War began when the UN emergency forces were expelled from protecting Israel, and the voice of the Arabs declared,
“As of today, there no longer exists an international emergency force to protect Israel. We shall exercise patience no more. We shall not complain any more to the UN about Israel. The sole method we shall apply against Israel is total war, which will result in the extermination of the Zionist existence. Also, as of today, the Bon Marche will be having blowout prices on all clothing in prepartion for the big back to school sale.”
Make another long story short; after the unsuccessful Six Day War ended the dust settled again and in a complete reversal Israel now controlled the Golan Heights, The Sinai Peninsula, the Gaza strip, and the West side of the Jordan river known as the West Bank. This total turn around in events has been compared to the Vietnamese success in the Vietnam War, but at least we did not lose Montana, Virginia, California, and parts of the Mississippi in the whole mix up. Despite the somewhat embarrassing defeat of the Arab people, “peace” existed for another five years until the UN ran out of things to do again, and adopted resolution 242 which created peace with Israel’s adjacent countries in exchange for the lands that were seized during the Six Day War. Problem solved, right?
THE CURRENT SITUATION:
For the last couple of decades, Israel and Palestine have been sharing the land… sort of. Israel controls it, but allows Palestinians to live in reservation type deals, similar to how we held up the Native Americans. Unfortunately for Israel, the old small pox infected blanket routine had been done to death, and the Palestinians were on to our game. So once again, Palestine is upset that they do not own their own land, and that they are a guest in occupied territory. In the immortal words of Met's announcer Bob Murphy,
"And heeerrrreeee coommee the suicide bombings"
Because that is the way to get things done! The whole idea of peace negotiations brings out the suicide bombers like insects to road kill, because their doctrine of kill and be killed is the only solution to wiping the other side off the planet. Hell, if those two don’t knock it off, I am about to come back there and give them something to bitch about. Hence the American involvement begins.
Like my father to disputes with my brothers, America stuck its big fat head into what really was not our problem to begin with. It seems that in trying to help out relocated, persecuted, bombed out Jews, we made more enemies by supplying the Israeli’s with our own weapons (by the way, my dad never gave us weapons to help my brother or myself during our fights. My dad spent his time giving weapons to the Iraqis when he worked as the director of the CIA, and then taking them away as President when he invaded that country later in 1991).
THE SOLUTION:
So there are only two solutions to the Middle East issue that America could execute without making enemies. We can either go back in time and kill that son of a God Jesus before that prick Pontius Pilot gets a chance at him, or settle the issue with the relocation of Palestinians… To Montana, because lets face it people, I’m not using it, are you? They can live happily ever after with the Asians for all I care. Problem solved.
Executive Order 9066 - Our Finest Hour
What’s the biggest problem in America today?
Chinamen!
The problem with Asians is you can’t keep track of them; they’re like sand – they’re everywhere and they’re yellow. I have this Chinaman secretary, Ms. “Kitagawa,” and she has the slantiest eyes you’ve ever seen, sometimes I wonder if she can see me when I’m giving her orders, or if she’s even awake.
Now I realize it is impractical to simply stop them from getting married and scientists have informed me that they share the same genetic makeup we whites do; so a race specific disease is out of the question. I’m skeptical, but I guess we pay them to think for us right?
Anyway, this is my plan; a gentleman’s agreement if you will… We agree to educate their children already in our country, and they agree not to immigrate to our country ever again. If they break the rules, we ship them off to live in Montana, as far as my preliminary CIA intelligence reports suggest, no one else is living there currently so there shouldn’t be any problems.
Chinamen!
The problem with Asians is you can’t keep track of them; they’re like sand – they’re everywhere and they’re yellow. I have this Chinaman secretary, Ms. “Kitagawa,” and she has the slantiest eyes you’ve ever seen, sometimes I wonder if she can see me when I’m giving her orders, or if she’s even awake.
Now I realize it is impractical to simply stop them from getting married and scientists have informed me that they share the same genetic makeup we whites do; so a race specific disease is out of the question. I’m skeptical, but I guess we pay them to think for us right?
Anyway, this is my plan; a gentleman’s agreement if you will… We agree to educate their children already in our country, and they agree not to immigrate to our country ever again. If they break the rules, we ship them off to live in Montana, as far as my preliminary CIA intelligence reports suggest, no one else is living there currently so there shouldn’t be any problems.
Monday, October 04, 2004
Did you know?
The President of the United States has the power to launch Nuclear weapons without prior approval from congress? And to think, I wasted all that time convincing them to let me go to Iraq when I coulda just brought freedom and Democracy to them the quick way. At least I feel a little more comfortable knowing that I'm the only one who can launch those weapons, and not some irrational, ignorant, unpredictable, belligerent whack job from Hicktown, USA. Well, what's done is done, I'll just take this lesson and learn from it for next time. *Wink!*
(Iran, South Korea, France; I'm looking at you!)
(Iran, South Korea, France; I'm looking at you!)
Friday, October 01, 2004
The Debates...
Well. That went fairly well I think. Yeah, not too bad. Not the best. No. It could have been better. Ok, let’s be fair here; sure, I wasn’t on my game, in the zone, whatever, but I’ve got like 3 more debates anyway.
I did get one good point in; the blunt end of my glass of water.
Sonofabitch almost dodged that one too...
He’s a quick one that Kerry, you gotta give him that. Nonetheless I will stay the course, defeat the evildoers, bring freedom to Iraq with an Iron Fist if I have to (even if I have to kill every last Iraqi), honor the veterans, secure the homeland, September 11th, establish justice, promote the blessings of liberty, it’s a tough job we all know that, it’s gonna be tough, September 11th, Saddam Hussein was a bad man, the world is a safer place, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare an-n-n-d September 11th, September 11th and September 11th.
Son of a bitch! I mean come on! No one told me the damn debates were going to improvised let alone televised.
That John Adams was full of shit.
I did get one good point in; the blunt end of my glass of water.
Sonofabitch almost dodged that one too...
He’s a quick one that Kerry, you gotta give him that. Nonetheless I will stay the course, defeat the evildoers, bring freedom to Iraq with an Iron Fist if I have to (even if I have to kill every last Iraqi), honor the veterans, secure the homeland, September 11th, establish justice, promote the blessings of liberty, it’s a tough job we all know that, it’s gonna be tough, September 11th, Saddam Hussein was a bad man, the world is a safer place, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare an-n-n-d September 11th, September 11th and September 11th.
Son of a bitch! I mean come on! No one told me the damn debates were going to improvised let alone televised.
That John Adams was full of shit.
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
One of my better Photoshop projects...
I had some extra time today just sitting around the office, so I worked on this little masterpiece...
(Kerry as the devil; note horns, red eyes and fangs)
This kind of satire is genius and simple! All you have to do is use a red pen (or Photoshop), find a poster of your opponent and then satirize the crap out of them like they were your gimp. I feel like P.D. East or Monoculus poking fun at the devil.
To be completely fair, I stole the idea from a group of Georgetown college kids who posted a picture of me with similar horns, red eyes and fangs on a street lamp near their campus. I'll admit the idea was quite good, so I hope they don't mind I tweaked it a little. You really do have to wade through a lot of shitty political satire to find the good stuff, but when you catch lightning in a bottle like this little piece of work, you really have something special.
(Kerry as the devil; note horns, red eyes and fangs)
This kind of satire is genius and simple! All you have to do is use a red pen (or Photoshop), find a poster of your opponent and then satirize the crap out of them like they were your gimp. I feel like P.D. East or Monoculus poking fun at the devil.
To be completely fair, I stole the idea from a group of Georgetown college kids who posted a picture of me with similar horns, red eyes and fangs on a street lamp near their campus. I'll admit the idea was quite good, so I hope they don't mind I tweaked it a little. You really do have to wade through a lot of shitty political satire to find the good stuff, but when you catch lightning in a bottle like this little piece of work, you really have something special.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Reagan's Dream
If any of you have been watching the news lately, you know what kind of shit storm I’m in. They got a hold of this picture…
Now a lot of agencies are saying that I have been faking the entire Iraq war with special effects and stock footage of soldiers walking around and shooting at stuff. I guarantee you, the Iraq war is real! I swear I’m not lying this time. Yes, the whole “Why we went into the war” was bullshit, but the war itself is real. As for the dewback and storm trooper in the background, well they’re fake. I captured Lucas and before I was about to execute him, he pleaded for his life and convinced me that the Iraq war was missing something, a certain je ne se qua if you will. He argued that what the war needed was some new heroes; storm troopers! Needless to say, he sold me on the idea (don't worry, I still executed him).
I even get my very own black cape and death star in the deal, through which I will vicariously complete Reagan’s lifelong dream, albeit posthumously. He would have wanted it this way.
Speaking of which, I think this is the weekend we can finally raise the flags back to full mast. Reagan would have wanted us to have moved on by this time. Ya know I half expected him to resurrect three days later and take his seat at the right hand of the father, but life can’t always be like in the movies.
Now a lot of agencies are saying that I have been faking the entire Iraq war with special effects and stock footage of soldiers walking around and shooting at stuff. I guarantee you, the Iraq war is real! I swear I’m not lying this time. Yes, the whole “Why we went into the war” was bullshit, but the war itself is real. As for the dewback and storm trooper in the background, well they’re fake. I captured Lucas and before I was about to execute him, he pleaded for his life and convinced me that the Iraq war was missing something, a certain je ne se qua if you will. He argued that what the war needed was some new heroes; storm troopers! Needless to say, he sold me on the idea (don't worry, I still executed him).
I even get my very own black cape and death star in the deal, through which I will vicariously complete Reagan’s lifelong dream, albeit posthumously. He would have wanted it this way.
Speaking of which, I think this is the weekend we can finally raise the flags back to full mast. Reagan would have wanted us to have moved on by this time. Ya know I half expected him to resurrect three days later and take his seat at the right hand of the father, but life can’t always be like in the movies.
Monday, September 27, 2004
I am sooo grounded...
Ah Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ! My mom found out I have a weblog, and she read it, and now my life is practically over. Mom found the site somehow and read the part about Laura being on the rag, and how I get erections while thinking about Condi at meetings and now she's in the hospital with symptoms of a stroke. Now my mind is racing to figure out if I wrote anything about doing coke, or whores.
As embarrassing as this is, it's not as embarrassing as the time she caught me masturbating in the Lincoln bedroom during Dad's presidency. In my rush to cover up I grabbed an original copy of the Emancipation Proclamation and used it as cleanup; I have to hear about that every Juneteenth, let me tell you.
Speaking of embarrassing, check out this...
(to be fair, I added the vote for Bush part, with the American flag)
Kerry tried catching a baby and inadvertently showed the world he couldn't catch, thus substantiating my entitlement to the thrown. Some people say that to be President of the United States, one needs to know the names of foreign leaders, the names of key foreign countries or the names of all 50 states. Well I might not be able to do all that, but I sure as hell can catch a friggin' baby if thrown at me, which in my opinion is as, if not more important.
As embarrassing as this is, it's not as embarrassing as the time she caught me masturbating in the Lincoln bedroom during Dad's presidency. In my rush to cover up I grabbed an original copy of the Emancipation Proclamation and used it as cleanup; I have to hear about that every Juneteenth, let me tell you.
Speaking of embarrassing, check out this...
(to be fair, I added the vote for Bush part, with the American flag)
Kerry tried catching a baby and inadvertently showed the world he couldn't catch, thus substantiating my entitlement to the thrown. Some people say that to be President of the United States, one needs to know the names of foreign leaders, the names of key foreign countries or the names of all 50 states. Well I might not be able to do all that, but I sure as hell can catch a friggin' baby if thrown at me, which in my opinion is as, if not more important.
Thursday, September 23, 2004
George Lucas Best Start Running
The law is a funny thing. As President of the United States, I am still under the scrutiny of the law. If I j-walk, I get a fine. If I threaten to kill someone, I can be charged with a felony and serve jail time. But since the Death Penalty is legal, I can technically say "I want George Lucas executed," and not get in trouble for anything. In fact, funny thing about the law, I can have George Lucas executed, and since I'm the Commander and Chief of the most powerful military in the world, I can pretty much do whatever I want.
Sooo... for crimes against humanity, and for crimes against the Star Wars series, I hereby replace Osama Bin Laden with George Suckass as the number one Most Wanted man on the FBI's top ten list. There is currently a $25,000,000 reward for the capture or execution of said criminal.
(George Lucas at the next RNC if he doesn't shape up his act)
For those who haven't heard:
George Lucas digitally added in Jar Jar Binks into the original Star Wars series, along with Hayden Christensen and other crap. He also removed the ewok's song at the end of Return of the Jedi, which was my favorite part of all the Star Wars films. Now I personally haven't seen the new DVDs, but my friend Colin was bitching about it earlier, and I agree. Besides; Lucas is probably a Hollywood Liberal anyway, so one more dead celebrity equals one less vote for Kerry.
Now we got three wars waging in America thanks to me and my dad; a war on drugs, a war on terrorism, and a war on crappy remakes of classic films. Rest assured; America will not give in to the will of mad men with video cameras, massive egos and large budgets. Freedom will prevail.
Plus this pretty much means I can stop focusing so hard on the war on terror like I did on the war on drugs. If, say in another 2 years, I haven’t captured or killed George Lucas, I can always start a new war on something else and forget about this one. We Americans are suckers that way.
Sooo... for crimes against humanity, and for crimes against the Star Wars series, I hereby replace Osama Bin Laden with George Suckass as the number one Most Wanted man on the FBI's top ten list. There is currently a $25,000,000 reward for the capture or execution of said criminal.
(George Lucas at the next RNC if he doesn't shape up his act)
For those who haven't heard:
George Lucas digitally added in Jar Jar Binks into the original Star Wars series, along with Hayden Christensen and other crap. He also removed the ewok's song at the end of Return of the Jedi, which was my favorite part of all the Star Wars films. Now I personally haven't seen the new DVDs, but my friend Colin was bitching about it earlier, and I agree. Besides; Lucas is probably a Hollywood Liberal anyway, so one more dead celebrity equals one less vote for Kerry.
Now we got three wars waging in America thanks to me and my dad; a war on drugs, a war on terrorism, and a war on crappy remakes of classic films. Rest assured; America will not give in to the will of mad men with video cameras, massive egos and large budgets. Freedom will prevail.
Plus this pretty much means I can stop focusing so hard on the war on terror like I did on the war on drugs. If, say in another 2 years, I haven’t captured or killed George Lucas, I can always start a new war on something else and forget about this one. We Americans are suckers that way.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Two Easy Steps to Dodge the Draft (not that I'm planning on re-instating it... yet, muhaha)
I tried those new Crest Whitestrips the other day (product plug!) and all I got was a stomach ache. They went down fine, but round bout 15 minutes later I felt like throwing up – Price I pay for not taking the time to read warning labels/instruction manuals.
Finally got a Gmail account! Sonovabush@gmail.com
I gotta give the good people at Google my next war contract. They can help rebuild the infrastructure of Iran when I bomb the shit out of them. I suppose I’m getting ahead of myself because that’s not until after the election. Must be bad luck or something to start another war right before an election, everyone is telling me to hold my horses, but damn I just wanna get in there and knock down some more statues. Feels like my old frat days; except less draft dodging. Hehe, I kid, I didn’t dodge the draft, it dodged me.
But seriously, I can’t wait to start drafting kids again. But I bet just saying the word “draft” gets half the American people’s panties in a bunch. Really there is nothing to be worried about, if someone really does not want to fight there are ways to get around it like faking your own death, or you could kill an American, cause that’s illegal and will get you sent to jail for 3 years. Loopholes – you just gotta look for them! It’s the trickle down effect; if you don’t fight, someone else will be there to take your place. We got millions of poor kids who don’t have any futures, the military and this war is the best thing that will ever happen to them. They go to war, get injured, come back heroes with medals and bright futures of working at Wal-mart; and they have great management opportunities.
It’s the circle of life…
Ingonyama bagithi baba!
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama!!
Siyo Nqoba!
Ingonyama nengw’enamabala!!!
From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to be seen than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done!!
-Elton John and some African chick from the lion king
(one of my favorite films)
Finally got a Gmail account! Sonovabush@gmail.com
I gotta give the good people at Google my next war contract. They can help rebuild the infrastructure of Iran when I bomb the shit out of them. I suppose I’m getting ahead of myself because that’s not until after the election. Must be bad luck or something to start another war right before an election, everyone is telling me to hold my horses, but damn I just wanna get in there and knock down some more statues. Feels like my old frat days; except less draft dodging. Hehe, I kid, I didn’t dodge the draft, it dodged me.
But seriously, I can’t wait to start drafting kids again. But I bet just saying the word “draft” gets half the American people’s panties in a bunch. Really there is nothing to be worried about, if someone really does not want to fight there are ways to get around it like faking your own death, or you could kill an American, cause that’s illegal and will get you sent to jail for 3 years. Loopholes – you just gotta look for them! It’s the trickle down effect; if you don’t fight, someone else will be there to take your place. We got millions of poor kids who don’t have any futures, the military and this war is the best thing that will ever happen to them. They go to war, get injured, come back heroes with medals and bright futures of working at Wal-mart; and they have great management opportunities.
It’s the circle of life…
Ingonyama bagithi baba!
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama!!
Siyo Nqoba!
Ingonyama nengw’enamabala!!!
From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to be seen than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done!!
-Elton John and some African chick from the lion king
(one of my favorite films)
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Hunting Trip
Yesterday I fulfilled a ten year long dream of hunting deer with an assault rifle.
Up until this week there was a ban on the sale of assault rifles because the liberals considered the practical use of them implausible. There are critics who say that hunting with an assault rifle is absurd; nobody in there right mind would do it. Well I got together with a bunch of the justices this weekend and we got our chance to prove them wrong. Hunting with assault rifles is not only an enormous amount of fun, but it is our God given right; handed down to us by our four fathers who in their infinite wisdom predicted the development of weapons with the power to knock down a whole heard of elk. This may be a leap, but I’m going to start working on legalizing the sale of rocket propelled grenades. In some places like Iraq and Iran, those things are legal! What freedom! I think I could seriously kill a heard of buffalo with a well positioned rocket propelled grenade.
Other than the hunting trip I didn’t get much done this weekend. Finally organized all my mp3s.
Oh, I did talk to my dad on the phone. He and mom are going to be stopping by my place sometime soon, which means I have to clean up. It’s not like the White House is a mess, it’s just that I know mom is going to be pointing out everything that’s wrong or different from how she’d like it. That also means me and Rummy can’t get too wasted for however long they stay over. That’s not a problem for me, I can control myself, but you put a bottle of booze anywhere near him and he goes from Donnie to Rummy in 2 seconds flat. Which brings me to a point; Rummy has a cool nickname; mine blows. You can’t change Bush to anything cool or funny unless it implies the female vagina. Which brings me to another point; all those lesbian protestors who get naked to protest “bush.” Do they have any idea how much I love that? Man, if I knew my controversial political views would get a bunch of lesbians naked back in my college days, I could have doubled the ass I got every week!
Up until this week there was a ban on the sale of assault rifles because the liberals considered the practical use of them implausible. There are critics who say that hunting with an assault rifle is absurd; nobody in there right mind would do it. Well I got together with a bunch of the justices this weekend and we got our chance to prove them wrong. Hunting with assault rifles is not only an enormous amount of fun, but it is our God given right; handed down to us by our four fathers who in their infinite wisdom predicted the development of weapons with the power to knock down a whole heard of elk. This may be a leap, but I’m going to start working on legalizing the sale of rocket propelled grenades. In some places like Iraq and Iran, those things are legal! What freedom! I think I could seriously kill a heard of buffalo with a well positioned rocket propelled grenade.
Other than the hunting trip I didn’t get much done this weekend. Finally organized all my mp3s.
Oh, I did talk to my dad on the phone. He and mom are going to be stopping by my place sometime soon, which means I have to clean up. It’s not like the White House is a mess, it’s just that I know mom is going to be pointing out everything that’s wrong or different from how she’d like it. That also means me and Rummy can’t get too wasted for however long they stay over. That’s not a problem for me, I can control myself, but you put a bottle of booze anywhere near him and he goes from Donnie to Rummy in 2 seconds flat. Which brings me to a point; Rummy has a cool nickname; mine blows. You can’t change Bush to anything cool or funny unless it implies the female vagina. Which brings me to another point; all those lesbian protestors who get naked to protest “bush.” Do they have any idea how much I love that? Man, if I knew my controversial political views would get a bunch of lesbians naked back in my college days, I could have doubled the ass I got every week!
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Art Dealers in the Park
A lot of people assume that because I’m from Texas, I wouldn’t understand or appreciate fine art. Well today I proved them wrong. I purchased two Edvard Munch pieces from a couple of Norwegian guys I met in Lafayette Park who said I was a perfect match for the paintings because they were so hard to move. They were right, those things weighed like 15 lbs each, and they were extremely bulky and awkward (they went so far as to say I was the only one who could move them; well I seriously doubt that, it was probably just flattery), but nonetheless I moved them.
I’m going to give them to this rib joint down in Crawford, Texas because they’ve always given me free ribs every time I’ve gone in. It’s actually a really classy place because the bar is in a separate area from most of the dinner tables and there is even a fire place and live country music on Ladies night. I think it will go nicely in the men’s room because the owner is always talking about how he wants to make that part of the restaurant presentable. Well here’s his chance, he’s going to be excited!
The best part about our deal is the Norwegians didn’t even want cash; they just wanted to have a private viewing of our Declaration of Independence. How lame is that? Well they seemed trustworthy, and it was such a killer deal, I had them made an extra set of keys to the National Archives. The Norwegians are good people; a simple folk, but decent people.
I’m going to give them to this rib joint down in Crawford, Texas because they’ve always given me free ribs every time I’ve gone in. It’s actually a really classy place because the bar is in a separate area from most of the dinner tables and there is even a fire place and live country music on Ladies night. I think it will go nicely in the men’s room because the owner is always talking about how he wants to make that part of the restaurant presentable. Well here’s his chance, he’s going to be excited!
The best part about our deal is the Norwegians didn’t even want cash; they just wanted to have a private viewing of our Declaration of Independence. How lame is that? Well they seemed trustworthy, and it was such a killer deal, I had them made an extra set of keys to the National Archives. The Norwegians are good people; a simple folk, but decent people.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
They Shut Off My Internet to Silence Me
Good news! I figured out a way to steal wireless internet! Wahoo! Just point my antenna out the Oval office window towards the Treasury Department and... Voila! Free internet! Best part about it is if they ever catch me downloading illegal music, the lawsuit gets sent to the Treasury – and they have a butt load of money so no worries.
Now, you might be saying, “Hey, Bush, you’re the president of the United Friggin States of America, most powerful man in the entire world; why do you need to steal internet?” Tom Ridge and National Security, that’s why! That sonofabiatch has been out to get me from day one, and I’ve just about put up with all the crap a man can take. He seriously needs to get up out of my grill before I beat his ass.
See the thing is he found out about my weBlog a little while back and has since then had a stick up his butt. He goes around telling people that I am endangering lives by discussing maters of States on the internet, and that this is a “childish endeavor” which can only lead to a breach of national security. Apparently on September 7th I accidentally released enough information on my weBlog post which would allow terrorists to decipher some of the nuclear launch codes, (I made a mental note to change the codes but had a brain fart, I’m human give me a friggin’ break!) blah blah blah, point of the story is, Tom Ridge has no right to read my Blog and then judge me on it. This is a private thing for friends and family or whoever, and he is abusing the privilege.
So the jackass shut off my internet to stop my weBlog. But what he doesn’t know is that I’m Bush baby! I’m invincible!
Now, you might be saying, “Hey, Bush, you’re the president of the United Friggin States of America, most powerful man in the entire world; why do you need to steal internet?” Tom Ridge and National Security, that’s why! That sonofabiatch has been out to get me from day one, and I’ve just about put up with all the crap a man can take. He seriously needs to get up out of my grill before I beat his ass.
See the thing is he found out about my weBlog a little while back and has since then had a stick up his butt. He goes around telling people that I am endangering lives by discussing maters of States on the internet, and that this is a “childish endeavor” which can only lead to a breach of national security. Apparently on September 7th I accidentally released enough information on my weBlog post which would allow terrorists to decipher some of the nuclear launch codes, (I made a mental note to change the codes but had a brain fart, I’m human give me a friggin’ break!) blah blah blah, point of the story is, Tom Ridge has no right to read my Blog and then judge me on it. This is a private thing for friends and family or whoever, and he is abusing the privilege.
So the jackass shut off my internet to stop my weBlog. But what he doesn’t know is that I’m Bush baby! I’m invincible!
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Mood: Mellow
I’ve been meaning to talk to her about this recently, but Condi’s got an unusually nappy kitchen. I don’t know if she’s just ignoring it like she doesn’t care, or if she just doesn’t realize it, but I get so distracted! I swear one of these days I’m just going to sneak up on her and shave it.
Other than that, I pretty much always get an erection when Condi starts talking. It’s something about her being so powerful that just turns me on. Don’t tell me none of you think power is sexy… cause it is. I want to do her while she launches nuclear missiles at other countries.
I don’t have these fantasies because I don’t love Laura, it is just that those meetings get so damn boring; I have to think about something. When things get heavy, my mind starts wondering and dick takes over. Hehe, I just thought of something funny to myself.
Other than that, I pretty much always get an erection when Condi starts talking. It’s something about her being so powerful that just turns me on. Don’t tell me none of you think power is sexy… cause it is. I want to do her while she launches nuclear missiles at other countries.
I don’t have these fantasies because I don’t love Laura, it is just that those meetings get so damn boring; I have to think about something. When things get heavy, my mind starts wondering and dick takes over. Hehe, I just thought of something funny to myself.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Today I purchased my very first slave...
Joining in the tradition of a dozen of my fellow US Presidents, I too am now a slave owner! I purchased my African from this website: http://www.worldvision.org/
My slave’s name is Denis, and he lives in Uganda.
This was actually Laura’s idea (and I thought she was against slavery!), she came to me and asked if I wanted to sponsor one, and at first I was a little hesitant, but once I saw the picture, I knew he would be a strong worker. Slavery is illegal in the States, but if you keep the child working in Africa, the World Vision people send us a check. At least that is how I suppose this arrangement works out; I leave that stuff up to Laura.
For just $30 a month, Laura and I sponsor this slave. Now $30 dollars might seem like a lot, but I estimate that if he works 12 hours a day for us, at a minimum wage of, let’s say $5, he would make us… $1,800 a month which equals… $21,600 a year! We only have to fork out $360 a year and in return we get this huge payoff!
Plus, you get the added bonus of knowing you’re helping someone else; that is priceless. I highly recommend sponsoring a child, the payout is awesome!
My slave’s name is Denis, and he lives in Uganda.
This was actually Laura’s idea (and I thought she was against slavery!), she came to me and asked if I wanted to sponsor one, and at first I was a little hesitant, but once I saw the picture, I knew he would be a strong worker. Slavery is illegal in the States, but if you keep the child working in Africa, the World Vision people send us a check. At least that is how I suppose this arrangement works out; I leave that stuff up to Laura.
For just $30 a month, Laura and I sponsor this slave. Now $30 dollars might seem like a lot, but I estimate that if he works 12 hours a day for us, at a minimum wage of, let’s say $5, he would make us… $1,800 a month which equals… $21,600 a year! We only have to fork out $360 a year and in return we get this huge payoff!
Plus, you get the added bonus of knowing you’re helping someone else; that is priceless. I highly recommend sponsoring a child, the payout is awesome!
Monday, September 13, 2004
An apology...
In my haste to post a topic earlier today, I apparently inadvertently insulted a large number of my constituency in the South by indirectly calling them stupid (according to the emails I got). For that, I apologize; I would never intentionally insult someone who is going to vote for me.
The truth is we as a nation need slower minded people voting, and holding office. Imagine what things would be like if all voters/government officials were informed! Anarchy, people! A country of citizens voting on what was best for them, with disregard for looks, character and attitude (or as I have; bad-itude). Would you want Stephen Hawking as President, even if he was a genius? He’d probably spend more time solving the mysteries of the universe than he would invading other countries. How safe would our country really be if we had geniuses running it? I say, America, embrace your ignorance!
(the only way Hawking could invade Iraq)
So people of the South, my people, my brothers… I apologize. Solidarity in Stupidity!
The truth is we as a nation need slower minded people voting, and holding office. Imagine what things would be like if all voters/government officials were informed! Anarchy, people! A country of citizens voting on what was best for them, with disregard for looks, character and attitude (or as I have; bad-itude). Would you want Stephen Hawking as President, even if he was a genius? He’d probably spend more time solving the mysteries of the universe than he would invading other countries. How safe would our country really be if we had geniuses running it? I say, America, embrace your ignorance!
(the only way Hawking could invade Iraq)
So people of the South, my people, my brothers… I apologize. Solidarity in Stupidity!
Prezbush@email.com
Lately I've been getting a lot of, well what I would call, "negative" feedback in the emails people send me. Which is fine! But please, write responsibly and coherently.
I know a lot of you seem to have a problem with the content of this blog, or possibly my stance on gay rights, or even my handling of the war in Iraq. Whatever your beef is, there seems to be an overwhelming trend of illiteracy in America. Many of you are probably from the South where the education system has failed you. Believe me I know all about it, I can’t help but feel partially responsible! But that does not mean you are too dumb to use spell check.
I'm assuming if you're on the internet, you probably have a computer, and if that is true you can at least take the time to use spell-check. If I have assumed too much, please respond with an email to Prezbush@email.com. Also, positive feedback is greatly appreciated, and I usually respond faster.
George W. Bush, President ;)
I know a lot of you seem to have a problem with the content of this blog, or possibly my stance on gay rights, or even my handling of the war in Iraq. Whatever your beef is, there seems to be an overwhelming trend of illiteracy in America. Many of you are probably from the South where the education system has failed you. Believe me I know all about it, I can’t help but feel partially responsible! But that does not mean you are too dumb to use spell check.
I'm assuming if you're on the internet, you probably have a computer, and if that is true you can at least take the time to use spell-check. If I have assumed too much, please respond with an email to Prezbush@email.com. Also, positive feedback is greatly appreciated, and I usually respond faster.
George W. Bush, President ;)
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Christmas tomorrow...
My Christmas comes early this year as the ten year ban on automatic assault weapons ends tomorrow!
But seriously, I can't wait to get my gun. I've had an AK-47 on back order for about 8 months now, and I hear the new TEC-9 improvements are awesome! You'd think that because I am the President of the United States of America, and Commander and Chief of the armed forces I would have access to any assault rifle I wanted, right? Well that's what I thought too, but the guy behind the counter at Wal-Mart disagreed.
Next weekend I get to go hunting in West Virginia with some of the Justices of the Supreme Court. Ginsburg wanted to go too, but I had to explain to her that she was a girl, and probably wouldn’t be able to hold an assault rifle properly. I was so embarrassed! Turns out Ruth is a dude. We both had a good laugh despite the awkward situation. He took it pretty well; I guess he gets that a lot. I feel bad for Clarence who has a thing for white women and supposedly had a drunken fling with Ruth at the Christmas party. I’ll have a talk with him later about that.
My old, crappy, non automatic, non assault weapon; good for hunting smaller animals like bear.
But seriously, I can't wait to get my gun. I've had an AK-47 on back order for about 8 months now, and I hear the new TEC-9 improvements are awesome! You'd think that because I am the President of the United States of America, and Commander and Chief of the armed forces I would have access to any assault rifle I wanted, right? Well that's what I thought too, but the guy behind the counter at Wal-Mart disagreed.
Next weekend I get to go hunting in West Virginia with some of the Justices of the Supreme Court. Ginsburg wanted to go too, but I had to explain to her that she was a girl, and probably wouldn’t be able to hold an assault rifle properly. I was so embarrassed! Turns out Ruth is a dude. We both had a good laugh despite the awkward situation. He took it pretty well; I guess he gets that a lot. I feel bad for Clarence who has a thing for white women and supposedly had a drunken fling with Ruth at the Christmas party. I’ll have a talk with him later about that.
My old, crappy, non automatic, non assault weapon; good for hunting smaller animals like bear.
Saturday, September 11, 2004
The whole Osama thing...
Ashcroft said I could pet Osama today. We keep him downstairs in the laundry room away from the tours through the White House. Ashcroft says we have to release him to the public in one month because of the election, so he is going to be transferred to a real prison pretty soon which is kind of a bummer. It has been three years, but we finally got him. I like it when the news reports talk about how poorly I’ve handled the war on terror seeing as I spent more time catching Saddam and it turns out he wasn’t even a threat to us, but they’ll all feel like total jerks when they find out I did catch the real threat.
If we have to put him down, I don’t want someone else killing him. He’s my arch nemesis, I’ll do it.
If we have to put him down, I don’t want someone else killing him. He’s my arch nemesis, I’ll do it.
Friday, September 10, 2004
Why bother...
People think that because I'm the President I should always be happy, well it's all a façade . I haven't gotten anything done today. Pfft. So it goes. My mind is like a bunch of nothing. I haven't been up to much these days. Today was a complete loss.
Current Mood: :(
Current Mood: :(
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Is France retarded, or just the French?
I'm not sure who is responsible for this Hurricane Frances, but I can take a guess... I've always been famous for "Don't Mess with Texas;" a term I invented several years ago, but my brother is also famous for this little maxim; “Don’t Mess with Florida Either, Bitch.” A little crude, but nonetheless intimidating! The point is, whether or not France is directly involved in these hurricanes, you know Gosh Darn well that they are in favor of them.
Which brings me to my question, is France retarded, or just the French? Or is it that it's not just the French, but everyone. Sometimes I wonder how so many people can be so stupid all at the same time.
Wednesday, September 08, 2004
Kerry is a Douche Bag
Yesterday Kerry attacked my lack of attendance with the Air National Guard... is nothing sacred Mr. Kerry? Is nothing sacred? This coming from a man who only fought in Vietnam for like 6 months and only won like 3 purple hearts. Please, my grandmother won more purple hearts than that; God Bless that woman for fighting so passionately in Korea.
Another thing; I started two friggin’ wars! How many wars have you started Mr. Kerry? Your war record isn’t looking so strong anymore, my dear sir!
Finally, Kerry questioned his own government’s actions in Vietnam. Now, I don’t know about you, but I find that just downright un-patriotic. Mr. Kerry had no right to question the decisions made by our honorable President Nixon. Our Presidents aren’t just men, they are kings among men, and I’m not just saying that because I am a President. Do you think we just make mistakes Mr. Kerry? No, sir; Presidents don’t just make mistakes like regular people. Most every decision made by a President is the right decision. No, all decisions are the right decisions. Except Japanese Internment and that whole Slavery thing, some argue that was a mistake. Oh, also the Bay of Pigs, and infecting the homeless with Gonorrhea, that was a mistake. Ok, like 99 percent of presidential decisions are accurate. That’s not the point! Whether it was right to go into Vietnam is irrelevant, the war was just. All wars are just. Well most wars are just. Vietnam was just just.
My country right or wrong!
Also, Condi if you’re reading this we’re having a PJ party tonight in the third room on the left down the hall on the second floor next to the oval office. Bring your own pillow.
Another thing; I started two friggin’ wars! How many wars have you started Mr. Kerry? Your war record isn’t looking so strong anymore, my dear sir!
Finally, Kerry questioned his own government’s actions in Vietnam. Now, I don’t know about you, but I find that just downright un-patriotic. Mr. Kerry had no right to question the decisions made by our honorable President Nixon. Our Presidents aren’t just men, they are kings among men, and I’m not just saying that because I am a President. Do you think we just make mistakes Mr. Kerry? No, sir; Presidents don’t just make mistakes like regular people. Most every decision made by a President is the right decision. No, all decisions are the right decisions. Except Japanese Internment and that whole Slavery thing, some argue that was a mistake. Oh, also the Bay of Pigs, and infecting the homeless with Gonorrhea, that was a mistake. Ok, like 99 percent of presidential decisions are accurate. That’s not the point! Whether it was right to go into Vietnam is irrelevant, the war was just. All wars are just. Well most wars are just. Vietnam was just just.
My country right or wrong!
Also, Condi if you’re reading this we’re having a PJ party tonight in the third room on the left down the hall on the second floor next to the oval office. Bring your own pillow.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
On My ipod: The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight
Cleaned my room today, blah! It is kind of disturbing to sleep in a room that has been slept in by about 40 other dead white guys. While cleaning I found a used condom under the rug, and we all know who left that there... that slut Jefferson. Ah who am I calling a slut? I know if I had a hot slave girl I'd be sleeping with her too.
So funny story...
Every month I'm given a new set of 10 digit launch codes for our nuclear missiles (IE: 83-6927-7328), and yesterday I realized that there are 10 numbers in the launch codes, and 10 digits in a long distance phone number... soooo I thought it would be funny to get on my phone and see who I reach. Well it worked! I ended up calling some guy named Andrew Lawson in Seattle, Washington. Needless to say we both had a good laugh over the whole coincidence; he even told me he was honored to have a phone number which was a nuclear launch code.
He did, however, seem a little concerned and suggested I have them change this month’s launch code just as a precaution, which I absolutely agree with. I’ve got to remember to write that down in my palm pilot so I don’t forget to do that soon.
Smeared black ink... your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening to last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering
What’s buried underneath where I am?
-The Postal Service, the District Sleeps Alone Tonight
So funny story...
Every month I'm given a new set of 10 digit launch codes for our nuclear missiles (IE: 83-6927-7328), and yesterday I realized that there are 10 numbers in the launch codes, and 10 digits in a long distance phone number... soooo I thought it would be funny to get on my phone and see who I reach. Well it worked! I ended up calling some guy named Andrew Lawson in Seattle, Washington. Needless to say we both had a good laugh over the whole coincidence; he even told me he was honored to have a phone number which was a nuclear launch code.
He did, however, seem a little concerned and suggested I have them change this month’s launch code just as a precaution, which I absolutely agree with. I’ve got to remember to write that down in my palm pilot so I don’t forget to do that soon.
Smeared black ink... your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening to last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering
What’s buried underneath where I am?
-The Postal Service, the District Sleeps Alone Tonight
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