Monday, June 13, 2005

The Way Stupid Americans Make-a-Me Feel

What does the Michael Jackson court case prove?

That no matter how evil you are, and no matter how much evidence there is to prove you wrong, the American people will always take sides with the man with money, as long as you’ve won the hearts and minds of the retarded half of America. That’s right, I said it. There are two kinds of Americans; the stupid American who relies on “good feelings,” flashy presentations and high hopes vs. the logical American who relies on evidence, reasoning and common sense. You know who controls America right now? The stupid Americans – at least that’s how I feel after watching the results of such a horrendous train wreck.

Now I’m not about to say I have any idea what goes on in a “Court Case,” but one thing I do know is that there are millions of Americans who saw and heard Michael Jackson say that it is appropriate for young children to sleep with a 45 year old man accused of child molestation, and there are millions of Americans who came out and supported Michael Jackson beat a cancer patient in a criminal trial.

Do Americans care anymore? They see, hear and comprehend one truth, and react an entirely different way. Do you know how easy it would be for me as President if Americans saw the kind of shit I did, heard the kind of shit I said, comprehended the kind of shit I pulled – then voted on gut instinct anyway?! My approval rating would be through the freakin’ roof - maybe as high as 52 or 53 percent! I could drop a deuce on Mother Theresa’s freaking tombstone, call it a freedom nugget, then sit back and watch as everyone defended my good honor! If only all Americans were that stupid all the time.

On a side note, Jackson is innocent. Maybe he slept with those boys, or maybe he just slept with those boys. Either way, it’s better that ten guilty persons escape than that one innocent suffer, as William Blackstone said - and I’ll stand by that.

But come on, innocent or not, would you let your kids sleep with that guy? Well I wouldn't, but I don't have a choice because my daughters are a couple of sluts. Laura hates it when I call them that, but how will they ever learn without constant verbal reinforcement?

Sunday, June 05, 2005

New Jesus Stud Calendar a Disappointment

(Jesus - October spread)

(Jesus - March Spread)

I usually approve of just about anything Jesus does, but I think his new “stud calendar” is just tasteless. It objectifies our Lord and Savoir Jesus Christ as nothing more than a piece of meat, no matter how good he might look.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Jesus, and I’m pretty sure he loves me, but is taking off your top and greasing yourself up really the best way to promote religion and raise a little money? It’s a slippery slope. First you allow divorce, then you allow goodly ladies to reveal their ankles, next thing you know we’re all dancing naked in the street and Jesus is posing nude in a calendar! Morals are not flexible. What was righteous and decent then is righteous and decent now. Sometimes I wish we could go back to a time when religion dictated everything we do so that we weren’t so immoral now.

As President and spokesperson for every man, woman and child in this country, I think the government should intervene… just a little!... so that religion doesn’t head down that slippery slope of impropriety any longer. By religion I mean Christianity (because let’s face it, there’s only one way to get to heaven, and I’ve got the key). So look out Episcopalians, I’ve had my eye on your left wing hippie nonsense for a while now…