Al-Zarqawi is dead! We did it! We beat the war on terror!
Man, thank Jesus that’s over.
Showing posts with label Jesus H. Christ. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus H. Christ. Show all posts
Thursday, June 08, 2006
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Land of the Free and Home of the Afraid of Everything
I believe it was the late great Richard Nixon who said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Well that’s bullshit. Here is a list of things the government thinks you should be afraid of:
Iraqis
Terrorism
Homosexuals
Immigrants
Losing shit job to illegal immigrants
Other Americans
Zombie Jesus
Taxes
Terrorists
Intellectuals
Terrorists posing as intellectuals
New Yorkers
Coloreds
God’s Wrath
Terror
Zombie aborted fetuses
Rock and/or Roll
Rap
Gangs, but not guns
The sex out of wedlock
Tainted moral fiber
Some say the Republican Party has turned
Sunday, June 05, 2005
New Jesus Stud Calendar a Disappointment
(Jesus - October spread)
(Jesus - March Spread)
I usually approve of just about anything Jesus does, but I think his new “stud calendar” is just tasteless. It objectifies our Lord and Savoir Jesus Christ as nothing more than a piece of meat, no matter how good he might look.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Jesus, and I’m pretty sure he loves me, but is taking off your top and greasing yourself up really the best way to promote religion and raise a little money? It’s a slippery slope. First you allow divorce, then you allow goodly ladies to reveal their ankles, next thing you know we’re all dancing naked in the street and Jesus is posing nude in a calendar! Morals are not flexible. What was righteous and decent then is righteous and decent now. Sometimes I wish we could go back to a time when religion dictated everything we do so that we weren’t so immoral now.
As President and spokesperson for every man, woman and child in this country, I think the government should intervene… just a little!... so that religion doesn’t head down that slippery slope of impropriety any longer. By religion I mean Christianity (because let’s face it, there’s only one way to get to heaven, and I’ve got the key). So look out Episcopalians, I’ve had my eye on your left wing hippie nonsense for a while now…
Thursday, May 19, 2005
The Moral Game!
Do your morals fall in line with those of the Republican Party? If you said “Maybe, I dunno I didn’t really think about it, but I suppose they very well could,” or something similar, than take the Moral Game Challenge!
I will show you 4 pictures, and of those 4 pictures, you choose which one has a right to life, and which one does not.
A.) An Iraqi
B.) A Criminal
C.) A baby
D.) Queers
The correct answer was C.), the baby. The baby has a right to life because it is too young to make mistakes like an Iraqi, a Criminal or a homosexual. Remember, according to the Republican Party Code of Morals (the RPCM) and our Lord Jesus Christ; every life is sacred, until it makes a mistake, and then it is acceptable to kill it. God would do the punishing of the wicked for us, but in this fast paced age of information and technology, he is just too busy – so it is up to the government to decide who should live and who should die.
I will show you 4 pictures, and of those 4 pictures, you choose which one has a right to life, and which one does not.
A.) An Iraqi
B.) A Criminal
C.) A baby
D.) Queers
The correct answer was C.), the baby. The baby has a right to life because it is too young to make mistakes like an Iraqi, a Criminal or a homosexual. Remember, according to the Republican Party Code of Morals (the RPCM) and our Lord Jesus Christ; every life is sacred, until it makes a mistake, and then it is acceptable to kill it. God would do the punishing of the wicked for us, but in this fast paced age of information and technology, he is just too busy – so it is up to the government to decide who should live and who should die.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
They make Soccer Moms seem interesting...
You know what the best part of winning this election is? I don’t have to pretend to like Nascar or Nascar dads ever again. Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ people, if you’re going to choose a boring ass sport to watch, make it baseball. If I have to see another flamboyant ass car make it around the same circular track one more time without a crash, I think I’m going to shoot myself, or at least someone in the pit crew…or the guy who waves the flag… no, better yet, I’ll just link Nascar dads to terrorism and bomb the shit out of all of them.
Nascar dads give white trash a bad name.
Nascar dads give white trash a bad name.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Who's to Blame for the Middle East Crisis -
& some insightful solutions
Any idiot could tell you that these suicide bombings in Israel have been going on for months now, and I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm the President of the most powerful nation in the world, perhaps I could do something." But before we solve this complicated and devastating situation, we must first understand it...
A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE WORLD:
A wise man once said, “The answers to all of life’s questions are in the Bible.” My question is, “Who is to blame for the problem in the Middle East?” The answer to my question:
Jesus.
Now hear me out… None of this would have happened if Jesus had only shaved his beard, dressed like a woman, and moved to Afghanistan. Let me explain. Two thousand and four years ago, a man named Jesus was killed in front of a Jewish mob in Jerusalem. Nothing really happened after that for another 1,913 years except a lot of Jewish persecution, and possibly some sort of renaissance. But one year later, all hell broke loose when Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated. All of a sudden, everyone was enemies with everyone, and your mother. One guy said one thing, another snapped back, some things were said that people really didn’t mean, and the world went to shit.
When the dust… and bullets… and mortars… and grenades… and body parts settled, Europe looked worse than a Mike Tyson bachelor party (see photograph).
When America asked, “Who did this?” Europe replied in unison, “He started it,” gesturing wildly at everyone else on the continent. Unfortunately for Germany, a majority of the fingers were pointed in the direction of the man with the pointy hat eating the bratwurst, and so a lifetime of punitive damages was sentenced upon Germany, and Germany could not afford it with such high APR rates and an already sketchy credit history.
Meanwhile, Jesus was still dead.
A few years of rebuilding a devastated infrastructure and shattered economy followed, a pogrom here and there, maybe a nice little Jewish wedding and that brings us up to the mid- 1930’s. Now, you can understand the German people are not in the best place right now; they just lost a war, they are not allowed to build an army to defend themselves… and they are German. It was a tough time to be around. Then along comes a guy named Adolph who promises the German people power, money, funny mustaches! Adolph tells the people of Germany,
“Its not your fault life is so crummy; blame it on the inferior Jew! He killed Jesus! His hair is not blonde! He is responsible for your awful lot in life!”
The people of Germany believe it, and why not? It makes sense… I mean, they are inferior right… maybe the Jews did kill our prophet… I suppose their hair is not a beautiful shade of blonde. Lets face it Germany, how can you be expected to accept responsibility with hair as beautiful as yours?! The problem with humans starts with the fact that they can not take blame for their actions (which will tie in later to a man named Donald Rumsfeld, who still refuses to accept responsibility for taking a bite of my turkey sandwich I left in the fridge with my name on it, see photo).
So Adolph goes around killing Jews with the will of all of Germany. Long story short, the war ends and the Jews are freed back into a country that hates them as much as I do. Some of the Jewish people are hesitant to go back home to neighbors that in the preceding years were literally trying to kill them, and so the United Nations with not much more to do with their time in 1947, sent some of the Jewish people back to their roots; the place where that Jesus guy was executed; Jerusalem.
No more worries, right!
EXCUSE ME SIR, I WAS LIVING THERE:
What the Hell? Who put people here? The following is actual dialogue from the first few days of the relocation of the Jewish people.
“Excuse me Jew, but I was living there.”
“I don’t see your name on it.”
“Uh, it is right there on that sign that says Palestine.”
“I believe the Jews were here first, pssh (does the hand thing).”
“No, you see Palestinians have been living here for the last few centuries."
“Well the Jews lived here several centuries before you, and I believe the Jewish people called Tapsies (Tapsies is Yiddish for Dibbsies).”
You can feel the tension in the conversation already, and that was before it got bad. Within a year of the UN’s relocation plan, Israel declared itself a state in what was originally British-controlled Palestine.
“Peace” existed for roughly 12 years until, in 1960; Gamal Nasser proclaimed that Egypt and the Arab world would never recognize a Jewish state. So began the preparations for the Six Days War (which was later declared in 1962 the worst name for a war ever), with the bombing of Israel from the Golan Heights by Syria. Once again a few words were exchanged, and again some people said some things they did not mean while simultaneously Egyptian troops moved towards the border of Israel at the Sinai Peninsula. On May 18, 1967, the Six Day War began when the UN emergency forces were expelled from protecting Israel, and the voice of the Arabs declared,
“As of today, there no longer exists an international emergency force to protect Israel. We shall exercise patience no more. We shall not complain any more to the UN about Israel. The sole method we shall apply against Israel is total war, which will result in the extermination of the Zionist existence. Also, as of today, the Bon Marche will be having blowout prices on all clothing in prepartion for the big back to school sale.”
Make another long story short; after the unsuccessful Six Day War ended the dust settled again and in a complete reversal Israel now controlled the Golan Heights, The Sinai Peninsula, the Gaza strip, and the West side of the Jordan river known as the West Bank. This total turn around in events has been compared to the Vietnamese success in the Vietnam War, but at least we did not lose Montana, Virginia, California, and parts of the Mississippi in the whole mix up. Despite the somewhat embarrassing defeat of the Arab people, “peace” existed for another five years until the UN ran out of things to do again, and adopted resolution 242 which created peace with Israel’s adjacent countries in exchange for the lands that were seized during the Six Day War. Problem solved, right?
THE CURRENT SITUATION:
For the last couple of decades, Israel and Palestine have been sharing the land… sort of. Israel controls it, but allows Palestinians to live in reservation type deals, similar to how we held up the Native Americans. Unfortunately for Israel, the old small pox infected blanket routine had been done to death, and the Palestinians were on to our game. So once again, Palestine is upset that they do not own their own land, and that they are a guest in occupied territory. In the immortal words of Met's announcer Bob Murphy,
"And heeerrrreeee coommee the suicide bombings"
Because that is the way to get things done! The whole idea of peace negotiations brings out the suicide bombers like insects to road kill, because their doctrine of kill and be killed is the only solution to wiping the other side off the planet. Hell, if those two don’t knock it off, I am about to come back there and give them something to bitch about. Hence the American involvement begins.
Like my father to disputes with my brothers, America stuck its big fat head into what really was not our problem to begin with. It seems that in trying to help out relocated, persecuted, bombed out Jews, we made more enemies by supplying the Israeli’s with our own weapons (by the way, my dad never gave us weapons to help my brother or myself during our fights. My dad spent his time giving weapons to the Iraqis when he worked as the director of the CIA, and then taking them away as President when he invaded that country later in 1991).
THE SOLUTION:
So there are only two solutions to the Middle East issue that America could execute without making enemies. We can either go back in time and kill that son of a God Jesus before that prick Pontius Pilot gets a chance at him, or settle the issue with the relocation of Palestinians… To Montana, because lets face it people, I’m not using it, are you? They can live happily ever after with the Asians for all I care. Problem solved.
Any idiot could tell you that these suicide bombings in Israel have been going on for months now, and I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm the President of the most powerful nation in the world, perhaps I could do something." But before we solve this complicated and devastating situation, we must first understand it...
A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE WORLD:
A wise man once said, “The answers to all of life’s questions are in the Bible.” My question is, “Who is to blame for the problem in the Middle East?” The answer to my question:
Jesus.
Now hear me out… None of this would have happened if Jesus had only shaved his beard, dressed like a woman, and moved to Afghanistan. Let me explain. Two thousand and four years ago, a man named Jesus was killed in front of a Jewish mob in Jerusalem. Nothing really happened after that for another 1,913 years except a lot of Jewish persecution, and possibly some sort of renaissance. But one year later, all hell broke loose when Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated. All of a sudden, everyone was enemies with everyone, and your mother. One guy said one thing, another snapped back, some things were said that people really didn’t mean, and the world went to shit.
When the dust… and bullets… and mortars… and grenades… and body parts settled, Europe looked worse than a Mike Tyson bachelor party (see photograph).
When America asked, “Who did this?” Europe replied in unison, “He started it,” gesturing wildly at everyone else on the continent. Unfortunately for Germany, a majority of the fingers were pointed in the direction of the man with the pointy hat eating the bratwurst, and so a lifetime of punitive damages was sentenced upon Germany, and Germany could not afford it with such high APR rates and an already sketchy credit history.
Meanwhile, Jesus was still dead.
A few years of rebuilding a devastated infrastructure and shattered economy followed, a pogrom here and there, maybe a nice little Jewish wedding and that brings us up to the mid- 1930’s. Now, you can understand the German people are not in the best place right now; they just lost a war, they are not allowed to build an army to defend themselves… and they are German. It was a tough time to be around. Then along comes a guy named Adolph who promises the German people power, money, funny mustaches! Adolph tells the people of Germany,
“Its not your fault life is so crummy; blame it on the inferior Jew! He killed Jesus! His hair is not blonde! He is responsible for your awful lot in life!”
The people of Germany believe it, and why not? It makes sense… I mean, they are inferior right… maybe the Jews did kill our prophet… I suppose their hair is not a beautiful shade of blonde. Lets face it Germany, how can you be expected to accept responsibility with hair as beautiful as yours?! The problem with humans starts with the fact that they can not take blame for their actions (which will tie in later to a man named Donald Rumsfeld, who still refuses to accept responsibility for taking a bite of my turkey sandwich I left in the fridge with my name on it, see photo).
So Adolph goes around killing Jews with the will of all of Germany. Long story short, the war ends and the Jews are freed back into a country that hates them as much as I do. Some of the Jewish people are hesitant to go back home to neighbors that in the preceding years were literally trying to kill them, and so the United Nations with not much more to do with their time in 1947, sent some of the Jewish people back to their roots; the place where that Jesus guy was executed; Jerusalem.
No more worries, right!
EXCUSE ME SIR, I WAS LIVING THERE:
What the Hell? Who put people here? The following is actual dialogue from the first few days of the relocation of the Jewish people.
“Excuse me Jew, but I was living there.”
“I don’t see your name on it.”
“Uh, it is right there on that sign that says Palestine.”
“I believe the Jews were here first, pssh (does the hand thing).”
“No, you see Palestinians have been living here for the last few centuries."
“Well the Jews lived here several centuries before you, and I believe the Jewish people called Tapsies (Tapsies is Yiddish for Dibbsies).”
You can feel the tension in the conversation already, and that was before it got bad. Within a year of the UN’s relocation plan, Israel declared itself a state in what was originally British-controlled Palestine.
“Peace” existed for roughly 12 years until, in 1960; Gamal Nasser proclaimed that Egypt and the Arab world would never recognize a Jewish state. So began the preparations for the Six Days War (which was later declared in 1962 the worst name for a war ever), with the bombing of Israel from the Golan Heights by Syria. Once again a few words were exchanged, and again some people said some things they did not mean while simultaneously Egyptian troops moved towards the border of Israel at the Sinai Peninsula. On May 18, 1967, the Six Day War began when the UN emergency forces were expelled from protecting Israel, and the voice of the Arabs declared,
“As of today, there no longer exists an international emergency force to protect Israel. We shall exercise patience no more. We shall not complain any more to the UN about Israel. The sole method we shall apply against Israel is total war, which will result in the extermination of the Zionist existence. Also, as of today, the Bon Marche will be having blowout prices on all clothing in prepartion for the big back to school sale.”
Make another long story short; after the unsuccessful Six Day War ended the dust settled again and in a complete reversal Israel now controlled the Golan Heights, The Sinai Peninsula, the Gaza strip, and the West side of the Jordan river known as the West Bank. This total turn around in events has been compared to the Vietnamese success in the Vietnam War, but at least we did not lose Montana, Virginia, California, and parts of the Mississippi in the whole mix up. Despite the somewhat embarrassing defeat of the Arab people, “peace” existed for another five years until the UN ran out of things to do again, and adopted resolution 242 which created peace with Israel’s adjacent countries in exchange for the lands that were seized during the Six Day War. Problem solved, right?
THE CURRENT SITUATION:
For the last couple of decades, Israel and Palestine have been sharing the land… sort of. Israel controls it, but allows Palestinians to live in reservation type deals, similar to how we held up the Native Americans. Unfortunately for Israel, the old small pox infected blanket routine had been done to death, and the Palestinians were on to our game. So once again, Palestine is upset that they do not own their own land, and that they are a guest in occupied territory. In the immortal words of Met's announcer Bob Murphy,
"And heeerrrreeee coommee the suicide bombings"
Because that is the way to get things done! The whole idea of peace negotiations brings out the suicide bombers like insects to road kill, because their doctrine of kill and be killed is the only solution to wiping the other side off the planet. Hell, if those two don’t knock it off, I am about to come back there and give them something to bitch about. Hence the American involvement begins.
Like my father to disputes with my brothers, America stuck its big fat head into what really was not our problem to begin with. It seems that in trying to help out relocated, persecuted, bombed out Jews, we made more enemies by supplying the Israeli’s with our own weapons (by the way, my dad never gave us weapons to help my brother or myself during our fights. My dad spent his time giving weapons to the Iraqis when he worked as the director of the CIA, and then taking them away as President when he invaded that country later in 1991).
THE SOLUTION:
So there are only two solutions to the Middle East issue that America could execute without making enemies. We can either go back in time and kill that son of a God Jesus before that prick Pontius Pilot gets a chance at him, or settle the issue with the relocation of Palestinians… To Montana, because lets face it people, I’m not using it, are you? They can live happily ever after with the Asians for all I care. Problem solved.
Monday, September 27, 2004
I am sooo grounded...
Ah Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ! My mom found out I have a weblog, and she read it, and now my life is practically over. Mom found the site somehow and read the part about Laura being on the rag, and how I get erections while thinking about Condi at meetings and now she's in the hospital with symptoms of a stroke. Now my mind is racing to figure out if I wrote anything about doing coke, or whores.
As embarrassing as this is, it's not as embarrassing as the time she caught me masturbating in the Lincoln bedroom during Dad's presidency. In my rush to cover up I grabbed an original copy of the Emancipation Proclamation and used it as cleanup; I have to hear about that every Juneteenth, let me tell you.
Speaking of embarrassing, check out this...
(to be fair, I added the vote for Bush part, with the American flag)
Kerry tried catching a baby and inadvertently showed the world he couldn't catch, thus substantiating my entitlement to the thrown. Some people say that to be President of the United States, one needs to know the names of foreign leaders, the names of key foreign countries or the names of all 50 states. Well I might not be able to do all that, but I sure as hell can catch a friggin' baby if thrown at me, which in my opinion is as, if not more important.
As embarrassing as this is, it's not as embarrassing as the time she caught me masturbating in the Lincoln bedroom during Dad's presidency. In my rush to cover up I grabbed an original copy of the Emancipation Proclamation and used it as cleanup; I have to hear about that every Juneteenth, let me tell you.
Speaking of embarrassing, check out this...
(to be fair, I added the vote for Bush part, with the American flag)
Kerry tried catching a baby and inadvertently showed the world he couldn't catch, thus substantiating my entitlement to the thrown. Some people say that to be President of the United States, one needs to know the names of foreign leaders, the names of key foreign countries or the names of all 50 states. Well I might not be able to do all that, but I sure as hell can catch a friggin' baby if thrown at me, which in my opinion is as, if not more important.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Michael Moore
A lot of people assume I must hate Michael Moore because he's so mean to me in his movies. I didn't see Fahrenheit 9-11, but I hear it was pretty good. Siskel and the other one who's not dead gave it two thumbs up, so you know it's at least worth seeing right?
What a lot of people don't understand about me is that I am a compassionate conservative which means I am like Jesus. We both help the homeless, we both love all of Gods creatures, we both turn the other cheek when somebody else threatens or attacks us, we like wine, we both own large ranches and most importantly we forgive others. Now I forgive Michael Moore and everything, but seriously, if he had a problem why didn't he come to me in the first place? Like why does he have to go behind my back ya know? How would he like it if the Republicans criticized him, called him names, and then made up lies? Let me tell you how he'd feel; just like I did when I first heard about the film... I felt hurt. Anyway, I think things are cool now cause I'm pushing for this new anti-gay commandment, and I hear most people are like Jesus and myself - we enjoy homosexually "hip" TV shows, but we can't stand the people themselves.
What a lot of people don't understand about me is that I am a compassionate conservative which means I am like Jesus. We both help the homeless, we both love all of Gods creatures, we both turn the other cheek when somebody else threatens or attacks us, we like wine, we both own large ranches and most importantly we forgive others. Now I forgive Michael Moore and everything, but seriously, if he had a problem why didn't he come to me in the first place? Like why does he have to go behind my back ya know? How would he like it if the Republicans criticized him, called him names, and then made up lies? Let me tell you how he'd feel; just like I did when I first heard about the film... I felt hurt. Anyway, I think things are cool now cause I'm pushing for this new anti-gay commandment, and I hear most people are like Jesus and myself - we enjoy homosexually "hip" TV shows, but we can't stand the people themselves.
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