Saturday, May 21, 2005

'If you're not with me, you're my enemy…’

Ok, I don’t want to be nit picky, but that is my line! I am clearly the originator of that line, so when I was watching the third and final Star Wars this weekend in my massive underground movie theater below the White House, I was shocked to hear Darth Vader basically plagiarize from my war speeches. George Lucas, what are you trying to do? Are you trying to suggest that my speeches to the senate are as trite and hackneyed as the dialogue from your film? Or are you just so lazy you couldn’t come up with anything better to say?

Seriously, the odds of that line being symbolic of something are pretty slim, because I’ve thought and thought and thought about the Galactic Empire’s quest for control over the galaxy and their misguided attempts to bring democracy and freedom to the world, and I don’t see any parallels. Only plagiarism.

So, Lucas, if you’re reading this, I want credit where credit is due. Darth Vader’s awesome dialogue belongs to my speech writers.

Also, most of R2-D2’s dialogue was stolen from my speeches.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

The Moral Game!

Do your morals fall in line with those of the Republican Party? If you said “Maybe, I dunno I didn’t really think about it, but I suppose they very well could,” or something similar, than take the Moral Game Challenge!

I will show you 4 pictures, and of those 4 pictures, you choose which one has a right to life, and which one does not.

A.) An Iraqi

B.) A Criminal

C.) A baby

D.) Queers

The correct answer was C.), the baby. The baby has a right to life because it is too young to make mistakes like an Iraqi, a Criminal or a homosexual. Remember, according to the Republican Party Code of Morals (the RPCM) and our Lord Jesus Christ; every life is sacred, until it makes a mistake, and then it is acceptable to kill it. God would do the punishing of the wicked for us, but in this fast paced age of information and technology, he is just too busy – so it is up to the government to decide who should live and who should die.

Monday, May 09, 2005

Georgia On My Mind?

So I just got back from visiting Georgia this weekend. Man alive! They are a bunch of backwater inbred hicks. I knew there were states out there that were below what I consider, ya know, intelligent, but they were the kind of states you don’t talk about and pretend aren’t there. Nebraska for instance. Nebraska is well meaning and good natured, but let’s face it, Nebraska ain’t gonna win no spelling contest.

Now that’s not to say Nebraska doesn’t have a lot to offer our great nation. Like landmass. Nebraska adds to the overall landmass of America and contributes to our statistical size in relation to other countries, so that’s nice. What else? Well I’m sure you could go on all day listing amazing facts like that, but the point is… what is the point? The point is Nebraska is dumb but not as dumb as Georgia. Georgia is so dumb they don’t even speak English. That’s right! They don’t even speak our own damn language!

California is understandable, with a mixed population of native born Americans and Latinos, a bilingual society makes sense. But Georgia is on the friggin’ interior of our damn country and borders nothing but water! It would make slightly more sense if they spoke mermaid, but we all know mermaid is a dead romance language and still would make little sense in this scenario.

And another thing! Why the hell did we have to fly for 14 hours to get to Georgia? My pilot must be from Georgia, because he’s the dumbest truck I’ve ever met if it took him 14 hours to fly south three states. And another thing, is Mikhail Saakashvili an idiot or an asshole? Cause he keeps addressing himself as President of Georgia. I can’t tell if he’s trying to piss me off, or if he’s that dumb that he doesn’t know he’s the governor. Idiots!