Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Put down your stick of butter and read my post.

I have been dying to understand why Americans are so damn fat. I’m sorry, fat is a hurtful word, let’s use bloated. Bloated sounds too much like we’re dead, let’s use massive. Massive sounds too fat. Plump? No, turkey’s are plump, Americans are fat. Chunky? I used to have a friend who we called Chunky-style, I think that was probably hurtful too.

I digress, what I’m trying to get at here is that we as a nation have an eating problem. Not me, though, I’m for once not the cause of one of our problems. No this time it is you. After a little research I was able to create a nifty little pie chart, but pie is what got us into this problem in the first place. It’s too delicious looking, so instead I’ve divided the bloated human form into a colorful representation of the 8 major causes of obesity.

(props to Michael O. Leavitt for compiling these results for me)

The solution? A lot of people will tell you there is no easy solution, but they weren’t thinking hard enough. The solution is fad-diet after fad-diet until the obese American in question has lost those unsightly pounds. It takes work though, sorting through the thousands of weight loss programs available until our gorged American friend settles upon one that works for them instantly. It might even seem like the effort wasted on fad-diets pales in comparison to the effort put into healthy living and exercise, but don’t be led astray! Some doctors suggest that exercise might actually be the cause of obesity, leading to toned muscles which actually weigh more than fat!

Hang in there John Q. Fatty McFatkins, if washed up actress Kirsty Alley can try and fail on national television, so can you!

Monday, March 28, 2005

Let me win. But if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt.

Do you ever gamble with your buddies? Do you ever play poker in a garage or put a friendly wager on some sort of sporting event? If so, you know the kind of joy I share with friends and family when we innocently participate in this relatively harmless activity.

Then why is the Federal Government trying to stick its fat hand into my wallet/personal life, not to mention the fact that I’m the President of The United Freaking States of America. I have the freedom to throw my money around however I damn well please thank you very much, and Uncle Sam has no right to tell me how responsible or irresponsible I should be. I’m just now starting to realize who Uncle Sam is… he’s the creepy uncle you only see at weddings because if he didn’t get an invitation it would break poor grandma’s heart – the kind of uncle who thinks that he knows you because you’re some how related by blood, despite your deep concerns and probably accurate suspicions that he was adopted into the family. The kind of uncle that thinks he can tell you exactly what to do with your life as if he’s been soooo successful with his.

Uncle Sam needs to mind his own damned business!

For the record, just so you can’t say I didn’t tell you the whole story, I was caught betting on the Special Olympics. My horse came in 1st, but I had to forfeit all my winnings because Uncle Sam found out through a congressional audit, and claims that this kind of gambling is illegal. Right, like it’s somehow less wrong to find an Indian Reservation and blow all your money there.

(a true underdog, my bookie set him at 6 to 1)

Friday, March 25, 2005

A spring break ruined...

So there I am, living it up down on my ranch in Crawford, getting some sun, moving some brush, or whatever the hell it is my PR people make me do for the cameras, and those thumb suckers down in Congress call me back to “sign some important legislation.”

Now I’m thinking, oh boy, this must be important, we’re finally going to make some sort of difference. But nooooo! I’m called back to Washington so I can stop Terri Schiavo from dying. Do you know how many Americans died over my spring break? 45,276.92! That’s a lot of dead people, people! Why should I care about one? I’ll tell you why, because the American voters have lost sight of what is really important. Stopping roids in baseball.

If only there were a way to transfer all the roids used by baseball players to Terri Schiavo…

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

She thinks she's mature, but the image proves otherwise

Please excuse President Bush Jr. from doing anything presidential until April, he contracted mono because he touches himself at night.


George Bush, Sr.

That's pretty much the excuse my father wrote to my school for me in Junior High when I had to miss two weeks because I got mono. The more I think about it, the more I realize my father was a filthy liar who used every chance he could to tell the world I touched myself too much, I suppose in hopes that I would stop. Oddly enough the only thing that ever stopped me was Mom walking around wearing nothing but her granny panties.

I don't really have mono this time, that's just what I'm telling Congress while I go screw around on my ranch in Crawford.

See ya in April!

Monday, March 14, 2005

Soooo close...

(The clue is: A Saudi Arabian terrorist)

I just can't get this last crossword! It's impossible. I feel like I've been pretty close, but everytime I think I have it, my mind goes blank and I focus on something else, then when I go back to the word it's all jumbled up in my mind. I think I have dyslexia. I should ask for help, but at the same time I feel like this is MY crossword puzzle, and I owe it to myself to finish it alone or not finish it at all.

Oh hell, I just figured it out... Arab, terrorist, five letters: Sadam! For Christ's sake, that was so simple.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

What does bullshit taste like anyway?

Does anybody know who John Edwards is? Not the guy who ran for VP but the “psychic” John Edwards – see picture below.

He supposedly speaks with the dead and then relays the message onto the loved ones. But basically all he is doing is bullshitting the audience; an audience which is already pro-John Edwards to begin with (they’re all screened ahead of time). On top of that bullshit, he edits 4 hours worth of “readings” down to a conveniently “accurate” 1 hour show. He feeds them bullshit and they eat it up!

I should can that shit and sell it!

Am I taking crazy pills people? This guy spouts nothing but bullshit and Americans just willingly listen to him because that is what they want to hear. They want to believe in something so badly that they’ll listen to this moron, even though time after time it’s been proven he’s basically a lucky guesser, or a straight up liar.

In totally unrelated news – Scott Baio finally returned my letter I sent him back in 87’. He even included a signed photograph! That Scott Baio’s a stand up guy.

Thursday, March 10, 2005


Say hello to General Lee. Posted by Hello

I've been riding around in that hunk of junk Airforce One for 4 years now, so I decided it was time to pimp my ride. Ahhh yea, say hello to the new and improved General Lee, ala the Dukes of Hazzard! Boss Hogg and Sheriff Coltrane won't be able to catch up with me when I'm cruising in this bad boy. I'm bout to get myself into a whole heap of trouble!

Plus, just think about how this will stregthen relations between the Confederacy and the Union.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Did you know Afghanistan has a President?

I met a great connection for what sounds like some really high quality international dimplomacy while talking to my buddy last night on AIM.

Only problem is I get the distinct feeling he was coming on to me. Sometimes I curse the boyish good looks that got me into this office. Some people account my political success to my father, but they're just jealous of my baby blues.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

The 6th Sign of the Apocalypse!

Vin Diesel's The Pacifier tops the weekend box office! Everyone update your Apocalyspe score card!

Sign #7: OJ finds the real killer
Sign #6: Vin Diesel becomes respected actor!
Sign #5: Red Sox win World Series
Sign #3: Reality TV becomes cool
Sign #3: Women Given the Right to Vote
Sign #2: AOL Merges with Time Warner
Sign #1: Israeli homeland established

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Thoughts for a Tuesday

Bubble tea is delicious. Red and Blue states can come together over this issue, set aside their differences and sit down to some good ol' fashion Bubble tea... then just when the Blue states aren't looking I'll jab them in the eye with the unusually sturdy Bubble tea straw. But only after they have enjoyed their Bubble tea.