Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Never forget...

I hate to say this, but the other day... I almost forgot. I was sitting there thinking to myself, Man isn't it glorious that America has never been humbled by a major terrorist attack, isn't it great that we've always had the Terror Alert System - color coded for maximum efficiency, and then I remembered... September 11th. They always say, "Never forget" and you think to yourself, "Uh yeah, thanks, I'm not going to forget... jackass." But it is true; it is extremely easy to forget if you aren't reminded all the time. And you know the news doesn't mention it hardly enough.

That is what makes the Republican National Convention so awesome; our understanding that the American People are too stupid to remember a national tragedy that is less than 3 years old. The Democrats just assume the American People are going to remember four planes crashing simultaneously across the country because the media burned the image into our heads for 6 straight months, but what the Democrats don't know is going to hurt them:

The image of the twin towers falling down is an easily forgettable event that must be exploited.

That is why I am proposing a bill that will make all TV shows flash an image of the twin towers falling down every 3 minutes, along with an image of me at ground zero heroically supporting the firefighters. So the American people will never forget the events of September 11th and my stunning display of leadership in the weeks that followed, even if they get down on their knees and beg God to wipe the memories from their tortured minds, they won't be able to forget how awful life was on that day.

Can you imagine how it would have been if Al Gore was appointed President? He would have gone down to ground zero and peed on the debris, then he would have told the firefighters to go fuck themselves because he has no understanding of how the American People really are. He wouldn't have spent weeks taking photo ops at the site of the accident, or secretly dismantling basic American liberties which could be exploited by terrorists. If it was up to him, colored people would still be allowed to have their rights read to them while being arrested. Next thing you know, the terrorists and gang members would be asking for lawyers! The Democrats are so retarded and gutless it makes me want to invade them and force them to start thinking the way I want them to.

Annnnyway, I told Andy Jr. about my idea and asked if he could help me, but he said there were a number of problems. First off he's the chief of staff, and I guess that's not what he does... Second off he told me I was the President, and making bills is not what I do... I explained to him that I've signed like an infinity of bills already, but he just doesn't understand my job apparently. Well I'll keep trying, and hopefully no one will ever forget again.

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Rockin' Out To: Me First and the Gimmie Gimmies

My friend Rod Paige is really good at Photoshop, and look what he taught me to do (I'm the one on the far right next to Franklin D. Roosevelt)...

I think my next project is to make a similar picture with him in it... keep your eyes open for the next post, Rod!

Saturday, August 28, 2004

Question of the Day: Do puppies go to heaven?

Well we all know that full grown dogs go to heaven, but do puppies who are too young to have made the choice between good and evil go to heaven? What about dogs who have been put down, according to the bible I don't think those dogs would get in... Also, is puppy abortion moral? What if the puppy is retarded, or not as cute as most puppies - is it ok then?

I bring it up because Barney had puppies with a mut out of wedlock and Laura thought we should put down the puppies. Now I'm all for abortion, despite what my official stance is. Hell, according to my official stance I'm pro women's rights, but come on. If it weren't for abortion, Laura and I wouldn't have been able to force Jenna to stop herself from making a huge mistake last summer.

So, do those puppies I had the secret service run over with a truck go to heaven? Or do they just rot in the dumpster behind the Treasury? I'd like to think they go to heaven, but my beliefs tell me they don't. What a shame. Sometimes I wish I weren't tied down to believing one thing absolutely and unequivocally (Greenspan taught me that word!), sometimes I wish I was able to make up my own opinion, but then again, at least this way I don't have to worry about thinking it up.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

8 more days until I'm re-elected!

It's so close I can taste it! Every September 2nd, Americans across the globe will go to church and vote for me (finally no more campagining!) or, I suppose, Kerry. Well, I'm not worried about that, I am however worried about the state of our great nation.

Did you know gas prices are ridiculous lately? When did that happen? I don't usually get gas anymore, cause when I'm in Texas I either ride in my stretch limo or my stretch horse (they breed those now!), but I went to an Exxon the other day and paid like 2 dollars a friggin' gallon! This disturbs me greatly, and as President, I am going to do whatever I can to lower those prices. I hear that France has oil reserved in their ground - which really just means two birds with one stone if you know what I'm talking about, and I think you do! uhg, but enough politics, I've been dealing with campaign crap non stop since this afternoon and it is time for a break!

Busy day today, fed Barney my dog and then he threw up on my couch, took forever to get it out, but on the plus side I found like 3 quarters and a couple of dimes which I put straight into the "National Debt Jar" I keep on my desk. Everytime I find spare change I throw it in there, cause you know, every little bit helps. Anyway, that was about it for my day besides signing like six friggin' documents and taking a mid afternoon nap. Maybe things will get less hectic around here once the campaign is over and I can get back to what I really enjoy... jerking off to the Dixie Chicks. I kid dude, but seriuosly they are hot, I don't care what anyone says. Especially the chubby one.

Friday, August 20, 2004

On My MP3 Player: Jamiroquai

The NSA asked for my permission to set up a secret test facility for futuristic bombs in Virginia. I said sure cause does anybody really live in Virginia anyway? Besides, it's like a thousand miles away from me. They always have to ask for my permission now because of what happened in Michigan, that was a bitch to cover up let me tell you. Anyway, it's hush hush, but I have such a hard time keeping secrets. I always end up telling someone, and I did it again, I went and told one of the daily tours that was coming through the White House. Dick said I shouldn't worry about it because they wouldn't be talking anyway, Dick always has a great way of making me feel better about these kinds of things. Like a few weeks ago I met this guy who was a big important spy, well long story short he wound up floating face down in the Potomac like a week later and Tom (this guy I appointed to homeland security because he kept getting in my way, another long story) started bitching at me, telling me it was my fault, but Dick fixed everything. He told the news people a great story about a disgruntled government employee jumping from the Woodrow Wilson Bridge. He did however tell me he was going to start reading through my posts before I published them on this Blog. Well, maybe he will and maybe he won't. I have my secrets too, Dick!

PS: If you're reading this, don't tell Dick.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Liberal Media

When I get re-elected my first job will be to get rid of all these darn liberal media folks. First of all, the liberals are unpatriotic and anti-war which pretty much means they want another country to invade America and take us over because they don't like America and they want it to end. Second of all, the so called "Fair and Balanced Coverage" is hardly fair or balanced. Those darn liberals at Fox are constantly talking bad about me. I was watching the other day and Bill O'Reilly "reported" that I should take a firmer stand in the middle east and take out Iran because their citizens hate American principles too. Please Bill, like a pussy Democrat would do a better job at killing Arabs? Besides, Iran is on my TO DO list, and I thought of invading them way before Bill O'freaking-Reilly ever did. In fact, I'm planning to invade all of them, but the liberals down at Fox would love to see me fail. All they talk about is finishing the job in Iraq this and sending more troops to Iraq that.

Remember when I landed on the carrier, how cool that was? I was gonna take the troops out that week and call it quits, but noooooo! The liberals at Fox kept pointing out to the American people how screwed up it is - and so I had to keep more troops in, and soon I'm gonna end up sending more just to protect the ones that are already there.

If I keep all our troops in Iraq, how are we going to turn the rest of the middle east into a democracy?

That's another thing. If the Iraqi's aren't willing to die for freedom and democracy, why should we? Why didn't they do the job of getting Saddam out themselves if they hated it so bad? Why? Because they're a bunch of liberal pussies.

It's almost a good thing the liberals are such pussies cause I know they will never try to start a war to get me out of office. I could take a crap on the American flag and all they would say is, "he has the right to do whatever he wants." Ah hell no I don't! If I was President I would throw me in one of our secret prisons for doing that! We don't have the right to do whatever we feel like, cause if we did, things would just go crazy and everyone would go around enjoying themselves too much.

The only real reason the Democrats wouldn't invade the middle east is cause they're afraid of getting too much sand in their vaginas. That and the American people didn't really wanna go there either, but as I always say, WWGD. What Would George Do. Whatever I feel like.

Don't mess with Texas.

Thursday, August 12, 2004

My Lunch with Condi

Condi invited me to lunch today, and I was so excited! Finally some one on one time with her, and I was really interested in pitching my idea for getting rid of the gays.

I ordered a ham sandwhich and a cherry italian soda with whipped cream, and the waitress said I could keep the glass!

So anyway, we're sitting there just talking and it turns out she had something to tell me. It turns out she wanted to talk to me about this blog. She says it is a bad idea to be talking about presidential stuff on a blog. I can't really tell, but I'm willing to bet Donald had something to do with our little talk. She said that some people in the White House were worried I could accidentally leak secrets, or give the Democrats information which they could use against me.

But I told Condi that this blog wasn't for them! it's not like I'm writing this for Al-Kayda or the Democrats! It's just a blog for friends and family and whoever wants to check in. Sometimes all this political stuff gets way too out of hand. Everybody is worried about what others will think, but this is the internet; a safe place for me to express my opinions, doubts, and fears free from judgement. Sometimes I think nobody even understands.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Swift Boat Veterans for Truth

Whoa, talk about some good luck! These guys turned their back on Kerry for less than we spent on the TV "spot". "Spot" is an industry term for a commercial. I asked Donald what would happen if the Democrats found any of my old Air National Guard buddies, but he said they'd been "taken care of." Christ! He over uses those quotation marks. We're "going out to lunch," that pinko commie has "gone to his last political rally," and Iraq has "WMDs." Come on Donny, I'm a grown man, you can tell me what you're really talking about. I think I really need to talk to him about how I feel. He wouldn't even let me speak at the 9-11 commission's hearings without adding something or interupting me. Sometimes I just feel so bottled up ya know? I can't really express how I feel in words, so I wrote a poem, it's not any good, but it kind of expresses how I feel, and it's nothing big, it's just a little something I did during one of our White House briefings, and I only spent like 5 minutes on it anyway, so here it is...

trapped in a cage
all alone
can't express my rage
not even on the phone,

I try so hard,
I try so long,
but everyone always says...
I'm wrong.

why won't they listen
why can't I try?
hey who's in charge here?
you... or I?

It's got layers, and it's still a work in progress, and I know if I really tried it wouldn't be so bad, but it's just something I felt like writing so there it is.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Michael Moore

A lot of people assume I must hate Michael Moore because he's so mean to me in his movies. I didn't see Fahrenheit 9-11, but I hear it was pretty good. Siskel and the other one who's not dead gave it two thumbs up, so you know it's at least worth seeing right?

What a lot of people don't understand about me is that I am a compassionate conservative which means I am like Jesus. We both help the homeless, we both love all of Gods creatures, we both turn the other cheek when somebody else threatens or attacks us, we like wine, we both own large ranches and most importantly we forgive others. Now I forgive Michael Moore and everything, but seriously, if he had a problem why didn't he come to me in the first place? Like why does he have to go behind my back ya know? How would he like it if the Republicans criticized him, called him names, and then made up lies? Let me tell you how he'd feel; just like I did when I first heard about the film... I felt hurt. Anyway, I think things are cool now cause I'm pushing for this new anti-gay commandment, and I hear most people are like Jesus and myself - we enjoy homosexually "hip" TV shows, but we can't stand the people themselves.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

Important Day!

Today I met with a secret operative from the CIA who's codename is Switchblade, but he said I could just call him Norris... Switchblade! What a cool codename! I asked Colin if i could change my name to something cool like Cut-Throat or Deep-Blue. Colin said we'd talk about it later, which usually means NO. Anyway, I got a picture of me and Norris when Colin wasn't looking. Colin would be extra pissed off if he found out I have this.

Mr. Norris is sitting in between Colin and I. He does top secret stuff, like killing people and infiltrating spy cell networks. He knows everything too! I can see why they make him so secret. I found out he lives in Georgetown, just up the street from me, so I think I will pay him a visit someday. If you're reading this Norris, your secret is safe with me, my dad was the director of the CIA for a bunch of years, so I know all about keeping things on the DL.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Listening to: Beastie Boys - Sabotage

I hate Thursdays. So close to Friday which is so close to Saturday. *Sigh* Spent the afternoon signing papers, met with another president from another country then had to sit through a speech given by young african american scholars... blah blah blah... so boring. I also spent about an hour shredding documents in the oval office. Ashcroft said if anyone found out we had secretly tried to abolish the first commandment we could be in serious trouble. Our founding fathers were smart guys, but some of those commandments are just ridiculous liberal wish wash. At least that's what Ashcroft said. He seems like a pretty smart fella, so I agree with him alot. If you don't, you have to hear more explanations... blah blah blah...

Highlight of the day: the airforce one pilot let me wear his headphones and talk on his radio!

For all the crap I put up with, those little perks are what make running for a second term worth it.

Monday, August 02, 2004

I think this is a funny picture of me taken by Karl, he's a wisecracker! Anyway, I'm using it for my profile Posted by Hello

Sunday, August 01, 2004

National Debt: not my problem, yours.

There is a lot of talk about how my spending has increased the national debt. We are currently trillion dollars in debt according to the Treasury Department. Now some of you may say, "Hey, we should fix this." Well you know what, screw you, I'll be dead long before it becomes a problem. Good luck with that.

I finally started my blog!

Wow, what a rough 3 years! Well I wanted to start this blog at the beginning of my presidency, but you know how things are. Being President seems like a full time job some days. I probably chose the worst time to start this blog, seeing as the election is coming up and all, but I told myself if I don't start it now, I'd probably just get distracted with another war or the current one and never get the site started! Dick says I should focus on "more important things like the election," but they're pretty much doing it for me anyway, and it's not like Dick ever listens to any of my ideas.

Anyway! I just got a new imac, and Condi taught me how to use it so I should be able to post pretty frequently. I hope you check in to see how crazy things get around the white house!