100 days and counting until I'm outta here.
Wow. 8 years. That's 8 years of my life I will never get back. I kind of regret signing up for this job; it was a soul sucker.
If you'll notice, the poll on the right shows I have a commanding lead over John McCain. But honestly - I don't think I could take 4 more years of me.
Sure, you could write me in on your ballot, but in the immortal words of the late great Danny Glover - I'm getting too old for this shit.
So who should you vote for? Well I don't know why you're asking me, honestly. But I'll give you my two cents (but I'm going to need that 2 cents back when you're done with it... what with the economy and all).
John McCain - old, and grumpy. Eh. Not a lot going on there.
Barrack Obama - possible terrorist, but has really good economic policies, a pretty decent tax plan, and a killer jump shot.
Bob Barr/Ron Paul - Go ahead, throw your vote away.
The problem with voting for John McCain is that he's got an idiot for a VP. So if he passes on (And trust me people at 72 you're pushing it), well then we're stuck with a whack job as president. Someone who can't control the insanity that spills from her mouth, who can't form a single coherent English sentence, and who doesn't even read a single paper. Hell people, even I read Mad Magazine once and a while!
The problem with voting for Barrack Obama is that he'll try to fix all the stuff I spent 8 years doing. Do we really want that? Think about what will happen to my legacy!
In conclusion: If you go to the polls on November 4th (it hasn't changed, has it?) think about all the accomplishments of my administration, and think about what would happen if he "changed" everything I did.
My Accomplishments:
Gas prices
The economy
The War in Iraq
The War in Afghanistan
The Environment
Torture
The National Debt
Tony Danza's Career
9/11
Spying on Americans
Global Credibility
Stopped Stem Cell Research
Airline Bailout
Located Bin Laden (narrowed down to 1 or 2 countries)
Unemployment
Privatized Military
Patriot Act
I haven't seen the trailer to the new movie about me coming out next week - but I'll be it will be good. Check it out!
Showing posts with label Afghanistan War. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Afghanistan War. Show all posts
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Hosni Mubarak Hates Brown People
Citizens. I swear to Gawd! You let a thousand of them drown in a national tragedy and they all of a sudden hate you, what’s the deal with that? I can totally relate to Egyptian President Mubarak right now, he must be feeling the pressure from those fickle pricks ever since that ferry tipped and about a thousand people died. To make matters worse, the captain of the ship was totally incompetent and fled the scene in the first lifeboat available… and just guess who the captain was… just guess!
(not me Jackass, the guy in the captain's hat trying to figure out where on the map he sunk his boat)
Former FEMA director, Brownie. I just knew appointing a man with a history of incompetence and zero experience behind the helm of a ferry was a mistake. But that is the price you pay for getting elected into office, you have to shell out the “spoils of war” to the people who helped you get elected… Then, when they screw up, you have to appoint them to a lower position overseas where the only people they can harm are foreigners.
Now before you get your panties in a bunch
Wait, what did I do after September 11th… I invaded
Except for that whole DC Sniper thing, and the anthrax thing, and the kid flying into the plane thing, and the series of attacks on embassies and US and
Oh, and if you think of anything else I did, please post a comment. I need someone to start writing this stuff down.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Did you know Afghanistan has a President?
I met a great connection for what sounds like some really high quality international dimplomacy while talking to my buddy last night on AIM.
Only problem is I get the distinct feeling he was coming on to me. Sometimes I curse the boyish good looks that got me into this office. Some people account my political success to my father, but they're just jealous of my baby blues.
Only problem is I get the distinct feeling he was coming on to me. Sometimes I curse the boyish good looks that got me into this office. Some people account my political success to my father, but they're just jealous of my baby blues.
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
Who's to Blame for the Middle East Crisis -
& some insightful solutions
Any idiot could tell you that these suicide bombings in Israel have been going on for months now, and I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm the President of the most powerful nation in the world, perhaps I could do something." But before we solve this complicated and devastating situation, we must first understand it...
A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE WORLD:
A wise man once said, “The answers to all of life’s questions are in the Bible.” My question is, “Who is to blame for the problem in the Middle East?” The answer to my question:
Jesus.
Now hear me out… None of this would have happened if Jesus had only shaved his beard, dressed like a woman, and moved to Afghanistan. Let me explain. Two thousand and four years ago, a man named Jesus was killed in front of a Jewish mob in Jerusalem. Nothing really happened after that for another 1,913 years except a lot of Jewish persecution, and possibly some sort of renaissance. But one year later, all hell broke loose when Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated. All of a sudden, everyone was enemies with everyone, and your mother. One guy said one thing, another snapped back, some things were said that people really didn’t mean, and the world went to shit.
When the dust… and bullets… and mortars… and grenades… and body parts settled, Europe looked worse than a Mike Tyson bachelor party (see photograph).
When America asked, “Who did this?” Europe replied in unison, “He started it,” gesturing wildly at everyone else on the continent. Unfortunately for Germany, a majority of the fingers were pointed in the direction of the man with the pointy hat eating the bratwurst, and so a lifetime of punitive damages was sentenced upon Germany, and Germany could not afford it with such high APR rates and an already sketchy credit history.
Meanwhile, Jesus was still dead.
A few years of rebuilding a devastated infrastructure and shattered economy followed, a pogrom here and there, maybe a nice little Jewish wedding and that brings us up to the mid- 1930’s. Now, you can understand the German people are not in the best place right now; they just lost a war, they are not allowed to build an army to defend themselves… and they are German. It was a tough time to be around. Then along comes a guy named Adolph who promises the German people power, money, funny mustaches! Adolph tells the people of Germany,
“Its not your fault life is so crummy; blame it on the inferior Jew! He killed Jesus! His hair is not blonde! He is responsible for your awful lot in life!”
The people of Germany believe it, and why not? It makes sense… I mean, they are inferior right… maybe the Jews did kill our prophet… I suppose their hair is not a beautiful shade of blonde. Lets face it Germany, how can you be expected to accept responsibility with hair as beautiful as yours?! The problem with humans starts with the fact that they can not take blame for their actions (which will tie in later to a man named Donald Rumsfeld, who still refuses to accept responsibility for taking a bite of my turkey sandwich I left in the fridge with my name on it, see photo).
So Adolph goes around killing Jews with the will of all of Germany. Long story short, the war ends and the Jews are freed back into a country that hates them as much as I do. Some of the Jewish people are hesitant to go back home to neighbors that in the preceding years were literally trying to kill them, and so the United Nations with not much more to do with their time in 1947, sent some of the Jewish people back to their roots; the place where that Jesus guy was executed; Jerusalem.
No more worries, right!
EXCUSE ME SIR, I WAS LIVING THERE:
What the Hell? Who put people here? The following is actual dialogue from the first few days of the relocation of the Jewish people.
“Excuse me Jew, but I was living there.”
“I don’t see your name on it.”
“Uh, it is right there on that sign that says Palestine.”
“I believe the Jews were here first, pssh (does the hand thing).”
“No, you see Palestinians have been living here for the last few centuries."
“Well the Jews lived here several centuries before you, and I believe the Jewish people called Tapsies (Tapsies is Yiddish for Dibbsies).”
You can feel the tension in the conversation already, and that was before it got bad. Within a year of the UN’s relocation plan, Israel declared itself a state in what was originally British-controlled Palestine.
“Peace” existed for roughly 12 years until, in 1960; Gamal Nasser proclaimed that Egypt and the Arab world would never recognize a Jewish state. So began the preparations for the Six Days War (which was later declared in 1962 the worst name for a war ever), with the bombing of Israel from the Golan Heights by Syria. Once again a few words were exchanged, and again some people said some things they did not mean while simultaneously Egyptian troops moved towards the border of Israel at the Sinai Peninsula. On May 18, 1967, the Six Day War began when the UN emergency forces were expelled from protecting Israel, and the voice of the Arabs declared,
“As of today, there no longer exists an international emergency force to protect Israel. We shall exercise patience no more. We shall not complain any more to the UN about Israel. The sole method we shall apply against Israel is total war, which will result in the extermination of the Zionist existence. Also, as of today, the Bon Marche will be having blowout prices on all clothing in prepartion for the big back to school sale.”
Make another long story short; after the unsuccessful Six Day War ended the dust settled again and in a complete reversal Israel now controlled the Golan Heights, The Sinai Peninsula, the Gaza strip, and the West side of the Jordan river known as the West Bank. This total turn around in events has been compared to the Vietnamese success in the Vietnam War, but at least we did not lose Montana, Virginia, California, and parts of the Mississippi in the whole mix up. Despite the somewhat embarrassing defeat of the Arab people, “peace” existed for another five years until the UN ran out of things to do again, and adopted resolution 242 which created peace with Israel’s adjacent countries in exchange for the lands that were seized during the Six Day War. Problem solved, right?
THE CURRENT SITUATION:
For the last couple of decades, Israel and Palestine have been sharing the land… sort of. Israel controls it, but allows Palestinians to live in reservation type deals, similar to how we held up the Native Americans. Unfortunately for Israel, the old small pox infected blanket routine had been done to death, and the Palestinians were on to our game. So once again, Palestine is upset that they do not own their own land, and that they are a guest in occupied territory. In the immortal words of Met's announcer Bob Murphy,
"And heeerrrreeee coommee the suicide bombings"
Because that is the way to get things done! The whole idea of peace negotiations brings out the suicide bombers like insects to road kill, because their doctrine of kill and be killed is the only solution to wiping the other side off the planet. Hell, if those two don’t knock it off, I am about to come back there and give them something to bitch about. Hence the American involvement begins.
Like my father to disputes with my brothers, America stuck its big fat head into what really was not our problem to begin with. It seems that in trying to help out relocated, persecuted, bombed out Jews, we made more enemies by supplying the Israeli’s with our own weapons (by the way, my dad never gave us weapons to help my brother or myself during our fights. My dad spent his time giving weapons to the Iraqis when he worked as the director of the CIA, and then taking them away as President when he invaded that country later in 1991).
THE SOLUTION:
So there are only two solutions to the Middle East issue that America could execute without making enemies. We can either go back in time and kill that son of a God Jesus before that prick Pontius Pilot gets a chance at him, or settle the issue with the relocation of Palestinians… To Montana, because lets face it people, I’m not using it, are you? They can live happily ever after with the Asians for all I care. Problem solved.
Any idiot could tell you that these suicide bombings in Israel have been going on for months now, and I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm the President of the most powerful nation in the world, perhaps I could do something." But before we solve this complicated and devastating situation, we must first understand it...
A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE WORLD:
A wise man once said, “The answers to all of life’s questions are in the Bible.” My question is, “Who is to blame for the problem in the Middle East?” The answer to my question:
Jesus.
Now hear me out… None of this would have happened if Jesus had only shaved his beard, dressed like a woman, and moved to Afghanistan. Let me explain. Two thousand and four years ago, a man named Jesus was killed in front of a Jewish mob in Jerusalem. Nothing really happened after that for another 1,913 years except a lot of Jewish persecution, and possibly some sort of renaissance. But one year later, all hell broke loose when Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated. All of a sudden, everyone was enemies with everyone, and your mother. One guy said one thing, another snapped back, some things were said that people really didn’t mean, and the world went to shit.
When the dust… and bullets… and mortars… and grenades… and body parts settled, Europe looked worse than a Mike Tyson bachelor party (see photograph).
When America asked, “Who did this?” Europe replied in unison, “He started it,” gesturing wildly at everyone else on the continent. Unfortunately for Germany, a majority of the fingers were pointed in the direction of the man with the pointy hat eating the bratwurst, and so a lifetime of punitive damages was sentenced upon Germany, and Germany could not afford it with such high APR rates and an already sketchy credit history.
Meanwhile, Jesus was still dead.
A few years of rebuilding a devastated infrastructure and shattered economy followed, a pogrom here and there, maybe a nice little Jewish wedding and that brings us up to the mid- 1930’s. Now, you can understand the German people are not in the best place right now; they just lost a war, they are not allowed to build an army to defend themselves… and they are German. It was a tough time to be around. Then along comes a guy named Adolph who promises the German people power, money, funny mustaches! Adolph tells the people of Germany,
“Its not your fault life is so crummy; blame it on the inferior Jew! He killed Jesus! His hair is not blonde! He is responsible for your awful lot in life!”
The people of Germany believe it, and why not? It makes sense… I mean, they are inferior right… maybe the Jews did kill our prophet… I suppose their hair is not a beautiful shade of blonde. Lets face it Germany, how can you be expected to accept responsibility with hair as beautiful as yours?! The problem with humans starts with the fact that they can not take blame for their actions (which will tie in later to a man named Donald Rumsfeld, who still refuses to accept responsibility for taking a bite of my turkey sandwich I left in the fridge with my name on it, see photo).
So Adolph goes around killing Jews with the will of all of Germany. Long story short, the war ends and the Jews are freed back into a country that hates them as much as I do. Some of the Jewish people are hesitant to go back home to neighbors that in the preceding years were literally trying to kill them, and so the United Nations with not much more to do with their time in 1947, sent some of the Jewish people back to their roots; the place where that Jesus guy was executed; Jerusalem.
No more worries, right!
EXCUSE ME SIR, I WAS LIVING THERE:
What the Hell? Who put people here? The following is actual dialogue from the first few days of the relocation of the Jewish people.
“Excuse me Jew, but I was living there.”
“I don’t see your name on it.”
“Uh, it is right there on that sign that says Palestine.”
“I believe the Jews were here first, pssh (does the hand thing).”
“No, you see Palestinians have been living here for the last few centuries."
“Well the Jews lived here several centuries before you, and I believe the Jewish people called Tapsies (Tapsies is Yiddish for Dibbsies).”
You can feel the tension in the conversation already, and that was before it got bad. Within a year of the UN’s relocation plan, Israel declared itself a state in what was originally British-controlled Palestine.
“Peace” existed for roughly 12 years until, in 1960; Gamal Nasser proclaimed that Egypt and the Arab world would never recognize a Jewish state. So began the preparations for the Six Days War (which was later declared in 1962 the worst name for a war ever), with the bombing of Israel from the Golan Heights by Syria. Once again a few words were exchanged, and again some people said some things they did not mean while simultaneously Egyptian troops moved towards the border of Israel at the Sinai Peninsula. On May 18, 1967, the Six Day War began when the UN emergency forces were expelled from protecting Israel, and the voice of the Arabs declared,
“As of today, there no longer exists an international emergency force to protect Israel. We shall exercise patience no more. We shall not complain any more to the UN about Israel. The sole method we shall apply against Israel is total war, which will result in the extermination of the Zionist existence. Also, as of today, the Bon Marche will be having blowout prices on all clothing in prepartion for the big back to school sale.”
Make another long story short; after the unsuccessful Six Day War ended the dust settled again and in a complete reversal Israel now controlled the Golan Heights, The Sinai Peninsula, the Gaza strip, and the West side of the Jordan river known as the West Bank. This total turn around in events has been compared to the Vietnamese success in the Vietnam War, but at least we did not lose Montana, Virginia, California, and parts of the Mississippi in the whole mix up. Despite the somewhat embarrassing defeat of the Arab people, “peace” existed for another five years until the UN ran out of things to do again, and adopted resolution 242 which created peace with Israel’s adjacent countries in exchange for the lands that were seized during the Six Day War. Problem solved, right?
THE CURRENT SITUATION:
For the last couple of decades, Israel and Palestine have been sharing the land… sort of. Israel controls it, but allows Palestinians to live in reservation type deals, similar to how we held up the Native Americans. Unfortunately for Israel, the old small pox infected blanket routine had been done to death, and the Palestinians were on to our game. So once again, Palestine is upset that they do not own their own land, and that they are a guest in occupied territory. In the immortal words of Met's announcer Bob Murphy,
"And heeerrrreeee coommee the suicide bombings"
Because that is the way to get things done! The whole idea of peace negotiations brings out the suicide bombers like insects to road kill, because their doctrine of kill and be killed is the only solution to wiping the other side off the planet. Hell, if those two don’t knock it off, I am about to come back there and give them something to bitch about. Hence the American involvement begins.
Like my father to disputes with my brothers, America stuck its big fat head into what really was not our problem to begin with. It seems that in trying to help out relocated, persecuted, bombed out Jews, we made more enemies by supplying the Israeli’s with our own weapons (by the way, my dad never gave us weapons to help my brother or myself during our fights. My dad spent his time giving weapons to the Iraqis when he worked as the director of the CIA, and then taking them away as President when he invaded that country later in 1991).
THE SOLUTION:
So there are only two solutions to the Middle East issue that America could execute without making enemies. We can either go back in time and kill that son of a God Jesus before that prick Pontius Pilot gets a chance at him, or settle the issue with the relocation of Palestinians… To Montana, because lets face it people, I’m not using it, are you? They can live happily ever after with the Asians for all I care. Problem solved.
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