'If you're not with me, you're my enemy…’

Ok, I don’t want to be nit picky, but that is my line! I am clearly the originator of that line, so when I was watching the third and final Star Wars this weekend in my massive underground movie theater below the White House, I was shocked to hear Darth Vader basically plagiarize from my war speeches. George Lucas, what are you trying to do? Are you trying to suggest that my speeches to the senate are as trite and hackneyed as the dialogue from your film? Or are you just so lazy you couldn’t come up with anything better to say?

Seriously, the odds of that line being symbolic of something are pretty slim, because I’ve thought and thought and thought about the Galactic Empire’s quest for control over the galaxy and their misguided attempts to bring democracy and freedom to the world, and I don’t see any parallels. Only plagiarism.

So, Lucas, if you’re reading this, I want credit where credit is due. Darth Vader’s awesome dialogue belongs to my speech writers.

Also, most of R2-D2’s dialogue was stolen from my speeches.

Reagan's Dream

If any of you have been watching the news lately, you know what kind of shit storm I’m in. They got a hold of this picture…



Now a lot of agencies are saying that I have been faking the entire Iraq war with special effects and stock footage of soldiers walking around and shooting at stuff. I guarantee you, the Iraq war is real! I swear I’m not lying this time. Yes, the whole “Why we went into the war” was bullshit, but the war itself is real. As for the dewback and storm trooper in the background, well they’re fake. I captured Lucas and before I was about to execute him, he pleaded for his life and convinced me that the Iraq war was missing something, a certain je ne se qua if you will. He argued that what the war needed was some new heroes; storm troopers! Needless to say, he sold me on the idea (don't worry, I still executed him).

I even get my very own black cape and death star in the deal, through which I will vicariously complete Reagan’s lifelong dream, albeit posthumously. He would have wanted it this way.

Speaking of which, I think this is the weekend we can finally raise the flags back to full mast. Reagan would have wanted us to have moved on by this time. Ya know I half expected him to resurrect three days later and take his seat at the right hand of the father, but life can’t always be like in the movies.

George Lucas Best Start Running

The law is a funny thing. As President of the United States, I am still under the scrutiny of the law. If I j-walk, I get a fine. If I threaten to kill someone, I can be charged with a felony and serve jail time. But since the Death Penalty is legal, I can technically say "I want George Lucas executed," and not get in trouble for anything. In fact, funny thing about the law, I can have George Lucas executed, and since I'm the Commander and Chief of the most powerful military in the world, I can pretty much do whatever I want.

Sooo... for crimes against humanity, and for crimes against the Star Wars series, I hereby replace Osama Bin Laden with George Suckass as the number one Most Wanted man on the FBI's top ten list. There is currently a $25,000,000 reward for the capture or execution of said criminal.


(George Lucas at the next RNC if he doesn't shape up his act)

For those who haven't heard:
George Lucas digitally added in Jar Jar Binks into the original Star Wars series, along with Hayden Christensen and other crap. He also removed the ewok's song at the end of Return of the Jedi, which was my favorite part of all the Star Wars films. Now I personally haven't seen the new DVDs, but my friend Colin was bitching about it earlier, and I agree. Besides; Lucas is probably a Hollywood Liberal anyway, so one more dead celebrity equals one less vote for Kerry.

Now we got three wars waging in America thanks to me and my dad; a war on drugs, a war on terrorism, and a war on crappy remakes of classic films. Rest assured; America will not give in to the will of mad men with video cameras, massive egos and large budgets. Freedom will prevail.

Plus this pretty much means I can stop focusing so hard on the war on terror like I did on the war on drugs. If, say in another 2 years, I haven’t captured or killed George Lucas, I can always start a new war on something else and forget about this one. We Americans are suckers that way.