God damn anti-war neo-nazi skinhead democrats

I’ve got the distinct feeling there is too much partisanship going on lately. Look at the news on any given day and you’ll see divisive issues tearing this country apart, and it seems to be down party lines.

I for one, have been doing my best (particularly on this blog) to reconnect Democrats and Republicans through open discussion and mature dialogue – take a look at any of my previous posts and you’ll see what I mean.

But leave it to the Democrats (or should I say, Demolition-crats… no, that’s not even really very funny) to attempt to destroy any bipartisan efforts made by our convivial Republican brethren. One of the latest examples of their irresponsible partisan behavior was when they rallied together to block our Republican attempts to keep minimum wage at Wal-Mart low levels! In the process of fighting for an absurd cause like raising the minimum wage, they stalled important legislation that would have increased congress’ pay.

Did you know that congressmen make less than the average-minimum wage of a dictator from a corrupt third world country? Appalling isn’t it? We’re talking about subsistence-luxury living in the mansions of Washington, DC.

My point is their partisan actions have put them more in line with Nazis than Americans. That’s right, I said it. Democrats partisanship has made them worse than Nazis. Donnie Rumsfeld was right to go out on a limb last week and compare Americans who spoke out against the Iraq war to Nazi sympathizers. And if the Democrats (or should I say, Demon-crats? Is that really even better or did I make it worse?) don’t hop on board the bipartisan movement… well then, they’re worse than Hitler.

During WWII, Hitler was opposed to invading Iraq because it was, and I quote, “No threat (to Germany), particularly during a time when (Germany) was involved in so many other conflicts around the globe.”

Sound familiar? I hear the distinct echo of dove Democrats (or should I say, the demogaogues… actually I’m not completely sure I know what that word means, so let’s just leave it at democrats).

So if you’re opposed to the War in Iraq, then you might as well vote for the Third Reich party this year, because that’s what Hitler would have wanted. No war in Iraq.

(Anti-war neo-nazi skinhead Democrats at the Democratic National Convention, espousing their biggoted message of non-violence)

What the terrorists want, we won't give 'em...

Osama's right hand man (the equivalent of my Donny) left a taped message for America on TV yesterday.

"You can elect Bush, Kerry or Satan himself, it doesn't matter to us," Ayman al-Zawahiri said in a tape broadcast by the Arabic-language Al-Jazeera television network. "What's important to us is the U.S. policies toward Muslims."

So apparently the terrorists want fair treatment of Muslims... well we can't give them what they want because that would mean the terrorists have already won. So to err on the side of safety, I'm signing into law Executive order 9066 Version 2.0 - The imprisonment of all things brown. Nothing is more important to me than the safety of all non-brown Americans, because after all, isn't that what the founding fathers intended? If they wanted Muslims to have rights too they would have said something like "All men are created equal - including brown people." But they didn't. They obviously left that part of the birth of our nation open for interpretation.


(The imprisonment of all things brown - no exceptions)

Besides, let's face it people, brown = terrorists, there is even a website about it... http://www.brownequalsterrorist.com/. Seriously, we can all stop being PC about this crap and just come out and say it... we don't need darkies in our country anymore because the people of the South and Midwest have spoken semi-unanimously.

Who's to Blame for the Middle East Crisis -

& some insightful solutions

Any idiot could tell you that these suicide bombings in Israel have been going on for months now, and I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm the President of the most powerful nation in the world, perhaps I could do something." But before we solve this complicated and devastating situation, we must first understand it...

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE WORLD:
A wise man once said, “The answers to all of life’s questions are in the Bible.” My question is, “Who is to blame for the problem in the Middle East?” The answer to my question:

Jesus.

Now hear me out… None of this would have happened if Jesus had only shaved his beard, dressed like a woman, and moved to Afghanistan. Let me explain. Two thousand and four years ago, a man named Jesus was killed in front of a Jewish mob in Jerusalem. Nothing really happened after that for another 1,913 years except a lot of Jewish persecution, and possibly some sort of renaissance. But one year later, all hell broke loose when Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated. All of a sudden, everyone was enemies with everyone, and your mother. One guy said one thing, another snapped back, some things were said that people really didn’t mean, and the world went to shit.

When the dust… and bullets… and mortars… and grenades… and body parts settled, Europe looked worse than a Mike Tyson bachelor party (see photograph).



When America asked, “Who did this?” Europe replied in unison, “He started it,” gesturing wildly at everyone else on the continent. Unfortunately for Germany, a majority of the fingers were pointed in the direction of the man with the pointy hat eating the bratwurst, and so a lifetime of punitive damages was sentenced upon Germany, and Germany could not afford it with such high APR rates and an already sketchy credit history.

Meanwhile, Jesus was still dead.



A few years of rebuilding a devastated infrastructure and shattered economy followed, a pogrom here and there, maybe a nice little Jewish wedding and that brings us up to the mid- 1930’s. Now, you can understand the German people are not in the best place right now; they just lost a war, they are not allowed to build an army to defend themselves… and they are German. It was a tough time to be around. Then along comes a guy named Adolph who promises the German people power, money, funny mustaches! Adolph tells the people of Germany,

“Its not your fault life is so crummy; blame it on the inferior Jew! He killed Jesus! His hair is not blonde! He is responsible for your awful lot in life!”

The people of Germany believe it, and why not? It makes sense… I mean, they are inferior right… maybe the Jews did kill our prophet… I suppose their hair is not a beautiful shade of blonde. Lets face it Germany, how can you be expected to accept responsibility with hair as beautiful as yours?! The problem with humans starts with the fact that they can not take blame for their actions (which will tie in later to a man named Donald Rumsfeld, who still refuses to accept responsibility for taking a bite of my turkey sandwich I left in the fridge with my name on it, see photo).



So Adolph goes around killing Jews with the will of all of Germany. Long story short, the war ends and the Jews are freed back into a country that hates them as much as I do. Some of the Jewish people are hesitant to go back home to neighbors that in the preceding years were literally trying to kill them, and so the United Nations with not much more to do with their time in 1947, sent some of the Jewish people back to their roots; the place where that Jesus guy was executed; Jerusalem.

No more worries, right!

EXCUSE ME SIR, I WAS LIVING THERE:
What the Hell? Who put people here? The following is actual dialogue from the first few days of the relocation of the Jewish people.

“Excuse me Jew, but I was living there.”
“I don’t see your name on it.”
“Uh, it is right there on that sign that says Palestine.”
“I believe the Jews were here first, pssh (does the hand thing).”
“No, you see Palestinians have been living here for the last few centuries."
“Well the Jews lived here several centuries before you, and I believe the Jewish people called Tapsies (Tapsies is Yiddish for Dibbsies).”



You can feel the tension in the conversation already, and that was before it got bad. Within a year of the UN’s relocation plan, Israel declared itself a state in what was originally British-controlled Palestine.

“Peace” existed for roughly 12 years until, in 1960; Gamal Nasser proclaimed that Egypt and the Arab world would never recognize a Jewish state. So began the preparations for the Six Days War (which was later declared in 1962 the worst name for a war ever), with the bombing of Israel from the Golan Heights by Syria. Once again a few words were exchanged, and again some people said some things they did not mean while simultaneously Egyptian troops moved towards the border of Israel at the Sinai Peninsula. On May 18, 1967, the Six Day War began when the UN emergency forces were expelled from protecting Israel, and the voice of the Arabs declared,

“As of today, there no longer exists an international emergency force to protect Israel. We shall exercise patience no more. We shall not complain any more to the UN about Israel. The sole method we shall apply against Israel is total war, which will result in the extermination of the Zionist existence. Also, as of today, the Bon Marche will be having blowout prices on all clothing in prepartion for the big back to school sale.”

Make another long story short; after the unsuccessful Six Day War ended the dust settled again and in a complete reversal Israel now controlled the Golan Heights, The Sinai Peninsula, the Gaza strip, and the West side of the Jordan river known as the West Bank. This total turn around in events has been compared to the Vietnamese success in the Vietnam War, but at least we did not lose Montana, Virginia, California, and parts of the Mississippi in the whole mix up. Despite the somewhat embarrassing defeat of the Arab people, “peace” existed for another five years until the UN ran out of things to do again, and adopted resolution 242 which created peace with Israel’s adjacent countries in exchange for the lands that were seized during the Six Day War. Problem solved, right?

THE CURRENT SITUATION:
For the last couple of decades, Israel and Palestine have been sharing the land… sort of. Israel controls it, but allows Palestinians to live in reservation type deals, similar to how we held up the Native Americans. Unfortunately for Israel, the old small pox infected blanket routine had been done to death, and the Palestinians were on to our game. So once again, Palestine is upset that they do not own their own land, and that they are a guest in occupied territory. In the immortal words of Met's announcer Bob Murphy,

"And heeerrrreeee coommee the suicide bombings"

Because that is the way to get things done! The whole idea of peace negotiations brings out the suicide bombers like insects to road kill, because their doctrine of kill and be killed is the only solution to wiping the other side off the planet. Hell, if those two don’t knock it off, I am about to come back there and give them something to bitch about. Hence the American involvement begins.

Like my father to disputes with my brothers, America stuck its big fat head into what really was not our problem to begin with. It seems that in trying to help out relocated, persecuted, bombed out Jews, we made more enemies by supplying the Israeli’s with our own weapons (by the way, my dad never gave us weapons to help my brother or myself during our fights. My dad spent his time giving weapons to the Iraqis when he worked as the director of the CIA, and then taking them away as President when he invaded that country later in 1991).

THE SOLUTION:
So there are only two solutions to the Middle East issue that America could execute without making enemies. We can either go back in time and kill that son of a God Jesus before that prick Pontius Pilot gets a chance at him, or settle the issue with the relocation of Palestinians… To Montana, because lets face it people, I’m not using it, are you? They can live happily ever after with the Asians for all I care. Problem solved.

Hunting Trip

Yesterday I fulfilled a ten year long dream of hunting deer with an assault rifle.



Up until this week there was a ban on the sale of assault rifles because the liberals considered the practical use of them implausible. There are critics who say that hunting with an assault rifle is absurd; nobody in there right mind would do it. Well I got together with a bunch of the justices this weekend and we got our chance to prove them wrong. Hunting with assault rifles is not only an enormous amount of fun, but it is our God given right; handed down to us by our four fathers who in their infinite wisdom predicted the development of weapons with the power to knock down a whole heard of elk. This may be a leap, but I’m going to start working on legalizing the sale of rocket propelled grenades. In some places like Iraq and Iran, those things are legal! What freedom! I think I could seriously kill a heard of buffalo with a well positioned rocket propelled grenade.

Other than the hunting trip I didn’t get much done this weekend. Finally organized all my mp3s.

Oh, I did talk to my dad on the phone. He and mom are going to be stopping by my place sometime soon, which means I have to clean up. It’s not like the White House is a mess, it’s just that I know mom is going to be pointing out everything that’s wrong or different from how she’d like it. That also means me and Rummy can’t get too wasted for however long they stay over. That’s not a problem for me, I can control myself, but you put a bottle of booze anywhere near him and he goes from Donnie to Rummy in 2 seconds flat. Which brings me to a point; Rummy has a cool nickname; mine blows. You can’t change Bush to anything cool or funny unless it implies the female vagina. Which brings me to another point; all those lesbian protestors who get naked to protest “bush.” Do they have any idea how much I love that? Man, if I knew my controversial political views would get a bunch of lesbians naked back in my college days, I could have doubled the ass I got every week!

My Lunch with Condi

Condi invited me to lunch today, and I was so excited! Finally some one on one time with her, and I was really interested in pitching my idea for getting rid of the gays.

I ordered a ham sandwhich and a cherry italian soda with whipped cream, and the waitress said I could keep the glass!

So anyway, we're sitting there just talking and it turns out she had something to tell me. It turns out she wanted to talk to me about this blog. She says it is a bad idea to be talking about presidential stuff on a blog. I can't really tell, but I'm willing to bet Donald had something to do with our little talk. She said that some people in the White House were worried I could accidentally leak secrets, or give the Democrats information which they could use against me.

But I told Condi that this blog wasn't for them! it's not like I'm writing this for Al-Kayda or the Democrats! It's just a blog for friends and family and whoever wants to check in. Sometimes all this political stuff gets way too out of hand. Everybody is worried about what others will think, but this is the internet; a safe place for me to express my opinions, doubts, and fears free from judgement. Sometimes I think nobody even understands.

Swift Boat Veterans for Truth

Whoa, talk about some good luck! These guys turned their back on Kerry for less than we spent on the TV "spot". "Spot" is an industry term for a commercial. I asked Donald what would happen if the Democrats found any of my old Air National Guard buddies, but he said they'd been "taken care of." Christ! He over uses those quotation marks. We're "going out to lunch," that pinko commie has "gone to his last political rally," and Iraq has "WMDs." Come on Donny, I'm a grown man, you can tell me what you're really talking about. I think I really need to talk to him about how I feel. He wouldn't even let me speak at the 9-11 commission's hearings without adding something or interupting me. Sometimes I just feel so bottled up ya know? I can't really express how I feel in words, so I wrote a poem, it's not any good, but it kind of expresses how I feel, and it's nothing big, it's just a little something I did during one of our White House briefings, and I only spent like 5 minutes on it anyway, so here it is...

trapped in a cage
all alone
can't express my rage
not even on the phone,

I try so hard,
I try so long,
but everyone always says...
I'm wrong.

why won't they listen
why can't I try?
hey who's in charge here?
you... or I?

It's got layers, and it's still a work in progress, and I know if I really tried it wouldn't be so bad, but it's just something I felt like writing so there it is.