Friday, October 22, 2004

Flair and Balanced

Douche bag John Kerry appeared on a talk show recently wearing an exaggeratedly oversized American flag lapel pin, as if to say he was more patriotic.

Well, not to be out done, I added more flair to my suit last week while working the bully pulpit, needless to say I look extremely proud to be an American.

Yet douche bag John Kerry fired back by wearing a ridiculous American Flag suit. Unfortunately for me, he looks strikingly similar to Uncle Sam, and I am therefore in a rush to find an even more flamboyant way to prove my patriotism to the American people.


Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Axis of Evil

How come the Axis of Evil has more countries than the Coalition of the Willing? What's with that?

(Coalition of the Willing - and just look how willing!)

(Axis of Evil - I couldn't find a nasty looking picture of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, that guy's always waving!)

C.O.W. - USA, UK, Poland, Italy and Australia
Axis of Evil - Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Tony Danza, Libya, Syria and Cuba

I'm seriously going to have to take one of those countries off the Axis altogether just to even things out. And whatever happened to "you're either with us or against us." According to my list, Germany is teetering dangerously close to being against our involvement in Iraq, and if they aren't on our side soon, they're going to be against us very soon.

This is a war on terror, people! We need to all work together! Iraq is a hotbed of terrorist activity! We had to kill 200 terrorists on the streets of Fallujah just yesterday!

Hell, half of America isn’t even with us, and that makes them against us, which makes them on the Axis of Evil. That’s it, I’m updating this list…

Washington, Oregon, California, New Mexico, Iowa, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Vermont, New York, New jersey, Delaware, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maine, Hawaii, and Rhode Island; you've just been added to the Axis of Evil. I hope you're happy.

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Another Terrorist Identified!

The noose is tightening around the evil doer’s of Al Qaeda. This is an image of terrorist leader Hamden ibn Zayad Al-Nayan, and another unidentified man who is of no relevance. Rest assured – we will hunt down these terrorists and anyone who aids or associates with them, then bring them to justice! Any country or individual who supplies terrorists with weapons is considered a threat and a part of the axis of evil. You know who you are!

Karl Rove Attempts Suicide...

I should have seen the warning signs...

(Senior Advisor Karl Rove lays down in front of Airforce One in an attempt to take his own life...)

I feel absolutely horrible... He even came to me a week ago and started offering me all his stuff. The part I feel worst about though, is that I took it all. Even his ipod, and I already have an ipod of my own. Does that make me a bad person? Now I have the awkward situation of deciding whether to give it back. I mean he gave it to me right, so technically it is mine, but at the same time, seeing as he is still alive and all, I suppose he might want some of it back. Well I will definitely give the ipod back, because I already have one and I believe it is the right thing to do (I have a very strong conscience).

He actually said that was why he tried to kill himself; he started listening to his conscience. But that's what the terrorists want us to do! If we start listening to our conscience, then the terrorists have already won...

That settles it, I'm keeping the ipod - not because I want or need it - but because the terrorists want me to give it back. That's not a bad idea for a new Doctrine... Do the Opposite of What the Terrorists Want, No Matter What Doctrine... Well I can think of a better name for it later.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

I'm Done Workin'... Kerry Can Have My Friggin' Job

Uhhhggg... do I have to hear about AIDS again? I have wars to plan and people to kill, and all they want me to work on is the AIDS epidemic in Africa. Reagan was right! This is a disease sent by God to punish the wicked for being Gays. I just didn't realize how fruity Africa was until just recently... over 30 million people in Africa have AIDS and are assumedly a Gay. Wait a minute... let me do the math real quick...

Whoa wait a second, 30 to 40 percent of the population of some of these countries are Gays with AIDS. That can't be right! Whatever, it is not the point. The point is people want me to solve this problem and I'm just one man... One man... What can I do?

Luckily I'm the President, so I don't have to think of things to do, I have people to do that for me - and in this case my people suggested I take a stance of abstinence. That makes sense, because abstinence works so well in American High Schools - it has to work in the middle of the friggin' desert.

Our only other option was to spend the 15 billion dollars set aside by congress to solve the problem with condoms, and we all know that condoms may prevent people from getting AIDS, but it doesn't prevent them from having sex out of wedlock - the real issue here. That's why I get paid the big bucks, cause I think outside the box.

So, help me stop the AIDS epidemic; by forcing 1/3 the population of Africa to stop "doin' it," as the kids like to say.


We could somehow contain the entire continent so as not to infect us...

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Terrorist Level: Fuschia

So there was like some sort of terrorist threat today immediately following the Presidential Debates, and I was rushed off to a "secret" city designed and used solely by government officials. I'll bet you can't guess where I am! Ok, I'll give you a few hints, but if you figure it out don't tell the axis of evil...

I'm nibblin' on sponge cake...

I've spent the entire day looking for my lost shaker of salt...

There's booze in my blender...

Still can't guess?! Well I guess it is a secret for a reason, and I suppose if you can't figure it out you probably shouldn't know; the government is like that sometimes. I've also brought along some close personal friends of mine, and I'll bet you'll have a hard time guessing who they are... Here are some more clues...

One of my friends' name rhymes with Prick Laney...

This other "friend" of mine was the real masterminded of the "War on Drugs," the "War on Terror," and the equally popular, but less mentioned "War on Fatties."

This special guest's name starts with an 'S', ends with an 'R' and has an 'chwarzenegge' in the middle...

If you must know, I've provided an answer key at the bottom...
Add up the points and see how you did:

- 0 out of 4 - not good, one of those was a giveaway!
- 1 out of 4 - congratulations, your GED is in the mail!
- 2 out of 4 - you belong in a mid-level federal government position!
- 3 out of 4 - you really know your leaders and their secret hide aways!
- 4 out of 4 - awesome! Have you considered working for the NSA?

Answer key:
A. Secret hide away - Margaritaville
B. Dick Cheney
C. Dad!
D. Condi Rice

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Electronic Voting

Some people are worried about Electronic Voting because they say my administration might take advantage of its flaws, but did you know that those Electronic Voting machines use the same reliable Windows Operating System which never crashes on your home computer? I wouldn't know, because I use a Mac, but I hear that Windows has had very few, if any, security breeches, so there is absolutely no chance whatsoever that some disgruntled twenty-something with nothing to lose and an enflamed ego, upset with the world and its current politics, will ever get past the impenetrable fortress that is – Windows.

Besides, what are the odds that voting could get screwed up two elections in a row? I trust the American people (every last one of them, even the 6.9 million Americans in prison or on parole [that’s only 3.2 % of the population!]), don’t you?

Well, I trust everyone except the Arab-Americans, because they come from the Fertile Crescent, and that sounds like an innuendo for a moon shaped vagina - which both confuses, and scares me.

(Fertile Crescent... or sideways vagina?)

Monday, October 11, 2004

Workin’ My Air Guitar to: Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen

Damn this song is awesome, makes me want to pump billions back into our aging space program! Well, billions more that is.

Slept in today, woke up at around 3 and realized I’d missed all my meetings. Welp, nothing I can do now. I love it how nobody ever asks me to explain where I’ve been. It’s like they all assume I’m completely infallible (which I practically am), and then everyone else tries to cover for me just to maintain that infallible image to justify the fact they supported someone who was wrong. But sometimes I wished they’d just talk to me, ya know? Like this whole Texas Air National Guard thing, accusations, accusations, accusations! Has anyone even asked me if I showed up for duty?! No! They always ask my press secretaries or my campaign headquarters. Hello, I have a phone! Write me a letter! Shoot me an email for Christ’s sake, but don’t go around making assumptions. If Dan Rather really wanted me to admit I didn’t show up for duty and that I only completed 300 of my 500 flight hours to satisfy my combat equivalency, he could have just asked. Hell, most of those records are public anyway; he could have read a book.

Now am I saying I want to be persecuted for all the crap I pulled while I was supposed to be in Vietnam – No! But when Clinton was President he got to do all sorts of Press meetings, and answer all sorts of questions, and he got the chance to lie and/or admit guilt publicly, a right which I have been denied! Now I know what all of those poor tortured prisoners in Iraq feel like. The ones under Saddam’s reign, not mine.

On the plus side, all this lying people do for me means less public speaking – always a plus. Well it’s almost bed time, better run down and hit up the masseuse before she heads home for the night.

Don’t stop me don’t stop me
Don’t stop me hey hey hey!
Don’t stop me don’t stop me ooh ooh ooh (I like it)
Don’t stop me don’t stop me
Have a good time good time
Don’t stop me don’t stop me ah!

I’m a rocket ship on my way to mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite I’m out of control
I am a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to
Oh oh oh oh oh explode

I’m burning through the sky yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That’s why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit
I’m trav’ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman of you


Friday, October 08, 2004

Who Would God Vote For?

If you have any doubt in your mind about who to vote for in the upcoming election, let me just say that I think I have one very valuable endorsement from a little guy known as the Big Guy upstairs.

(Michelangelo's Creation of Bush)

Now, I can’t be for sure (after all, the picture is something I did in Photoshop and not an authentic Michelangelo rendition of the Creation of Man), but I believe I can assume the Big Guy is in favor of me for several reasons.

First of all, I went to war (not in the sense that I fought in war, but that I sent others to fight in war), and when America goes to war, God is always in our favor – against the gooks, against the japs, against the nips, against the krauts, against the reds, against the tories, against the rebs, against the spics, against the reds again, and against the bugs (rent Starship Troopers, brilliant documentary about one of our finest intergalactic victories). God wanted them all to lose, and for the most part they did, except the tories the second time around and some of the gooks.

Second of all, John Kerry is a Catholic, and we all know Catholics have a tendency to die during their first term as President – another sign from God that Catholicism is the worst/wrong religion.

Finally, if God didn’t want me to be President, He would have said something already, or tried to kill me in some obscure fashion thereby leaving evidence of His will, but simultaneously shrouding it in such obscurity that doubt would still remain. For instance, if I choked on, let’s say; a piece of steak, fell while riding some impossibly stable transportation device, or formed grotesquely visible legions all over my skin. Now those would be clear indicators from God that He didn’t want me to be President. Obviously nothing like that has happened during my Presidency, so we can assume God likes my political stance on issues like the Right to Bear Arms in Heaven, or the right to keep Gays out of Heaven. God works in mysterious ways, and God wants Four More Years!

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Proof Saddam Considered Intending to Re-start Thinking about Re-Starting Iraqi Weapons Program!

All you liberal whackos out there who said Saddam wasn’t a threat to America? Well I have proof he was!

The CIA created a mind reading device (see photo)

which was placed on Saddam’s head late last night, and the results which came back were startling. Among the thoughts we extracted from his mind were these tasty unpatriotic, anti-American tidbits…

(Actual thoughts of Saddam)

“Man, what happened, this sucks.”

“I wish I was in Cuba.”

“Ya know, maybe I should have made weapons of mass destruction. Yes, in hindsight, if I knew they were going to invade me anyway, I would have made weapons. Damn, I should have been prepared. This is what I get for being optimistic.”

“I wish I knew that Osama Bin Laden guy right about now.”

“I have to admit, Bush did look very heroic in the weeks that followed September 11th; hanging out with those firefighters was a way better photo op than me shooting a shotgun from a balcony. I need to get that Scott McClellan guy. Hell, if i knew they'd invade me I would have helped Bin Laden with the attacks. I'm such a fool! Ah hell, I did everything wrong!”

“Is it potato, or potatoe?”

“Why me!?”

“I wonder if I could get that hot Abu Ghraib prison guard to come down here, strip me naked, and then walk me around on a leash again... what can I say, I have a thing for chicks with short hair in army clothes.”

So it looks like my doctrine of pre-emptive preemption based an assumptions was accurate… I dare anyone to dispute that!

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Who's to Blame for the Middle East Crisis -

& some insightful solutions

Any idiot could tell you that these suicide bombings in Israel have been going on for months now, and I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm the President of the most powerful nation in the world, perhaps I could do something." But before we solve this complicated and devastating situation, we must first understand it...

A wise man once said, “The answers to all of life’s questions are in the Bible.” My question is, “Who is to blame for the problem in the Middle East?” The answer to my question:


Now hear me out… None of this would have happened if Jesus had only shaved his beard, dressed like a woman, and moved to Afghanistan. Let me explain. Two thousand and four years ago, a man named Jesus was killed in front of a Jewish mob in Jerusalem. Nothing really happened after that for another 1,913 years except a lot of Jewish persecution, and possibly some sort of renaissance. But one year later, all hell broke loose when Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated. All of a sudden, everyone was enemies with everyone, and your mother. One guy said one thing, another snapped back, some things were said that people really didn’t mean, and the world went to shit.

When the dust… and bullets… and mortars… and grenades… and body parts settled, Europe looked worse than a Mike Tyson bachelor party (see photograph).

When America asked, “Who did this?” Europe replied in unison, “He started it,” gesturing wildly at everyone else on the continent. Unfortunately for Germany, a majority of the fingers were pointed in the direction of the man with the pointy hat eating the bratwurst, and so a lifetime of punitive damages was sentenced upon Germany, and Germany could not afford it with such high APR rates and an already sketchy credit history.

Meanwhile, Jesus was still dead.

A few years of rebuilding a devastated infrastructure and shattered economy followed, a pogrom here and there, maybe a nice little Jewish wedding and that brings us up to the mid- 1930’s. Now, you can understand the German people are not in the best place right now; they just lost a war, they are not allowed to build an army to defend themselves… and they are German. It was a tough time to be around. Then along comes a guy named Adolph who promises the German people power, money, funny mustaches! Adolph tells the people of Germany,

“Its not your fault life is so crummy; blame it on the inferior Jew! He killed Jesus! His hair is not blonde! He is responsible for your awful lot in life!”

The people of Germany believe it, and why not? It makes sense… I mean, they are inferior right… maybe the Jews did kill our prophet… I suppose their hair is not a beautiful shade of blonde. Lets face it Germany, how can you be expected to accept responsibility with hair as beautiful as yours?! The problem with humans starts with the fact that they can not take blame for their actions (which will tie in later to a man named Donald Rumsfeld, who still refuses to accept responsibility for taking a bite of my turkey sandwich I left in the fridge with my name on it, see photo).

So Adolph goes around killing Jews with the will of all of Germany. Long story short, the war ends and the Jews are freed back into a country that hates them as much as I do. Some of the Jewish people are hesitant to go back home to neighbors that in the preceding years were literally trying to kill them, and so the United Nations with not much more to do with their time in 1947, sent some of the Jewish people back to their roots; the place where that Jesus guy was executed; Jerusalem.

No more worries, right!

What the Hell? Who put people here? The following is actual dialogue from the first few days of the relocation of the Jewish people.

“Excuse me Jew, but I was living there.”
“I don’t see your name on it.”
“Uh, it is right there on that sign that says Palestine.”
“I believe the Jews were here first, pssh (does the hand thing).”
“No, you see Palestinians have been living here for the last few centuries."
“Well the Jews lived here several centuries before you, and I believe the Jewish people called Tapsies (Tapsies is Yiddish for Dibbsies).”

You can feel the tension in the conversation already, and that was before it got bad. Within a year of the UN’s relocation plan, Israel declared itself a state in what was originally British-controlled Palestine.

“Peace” existed for roughly 12 years until, in 1960; Gamal Nasser proclaimed that Egypt and the Arab world would never recognize a Jewish state. So began the preparations for the Six Days War (which was later declared in 1962 the worst name for a war ever), with the bombing of Israel from the Golan Heights by Syria. Once again a few words were exchanged, and again some people said some things they did not mean while simultaneously Egyptian troops moved towards the border of Israel at the Sinai Peninsula. On May 18, 1967, the Six Day War began when the UN emergency forces were expelled from protecting Israel, and the voice of the Arabs declared,

“As of today, there no longer exists an international emergency force to protect Israel. We shall exercise patience no more. We shall not complain any more to the UN about Israel. The sole method we shall apply against Israel is total war, which will result in the extermination of the Zionist existence. Also, as of today, the Bon Marche will be having blowout prices on all clothing in prepartion for the big back to school sale.”

Make another long story short; after the unsuccessful Six Day War ended the dust settled again and in a complete reversal Israel now controlled the Golan Heights, The Sinai Peninsula, the Gaza strip, and the West side of the Jordan river known as the West Bank. This total turn around in events has been compared to the Vietnamese success in the Vietnam War, but at least we did not lose Montana, Virginia, California, and parts of the Mississippi in the whole mix up. Despite the somewhat embarrassing defeat of the Arab people, “peace” existed for another five years until the UN ran out of things to do again, and adopted resolution 242 which created peace with Israel’s adjacent countries in exchange for the lands that were seized during the Six Day War. Problem solved, right?

For the last couple of decades, Israel and Palestine have been sharing the land… sort of. Israel controls it, but allows Palestinians to live in reservation type deals, similar to how we held up the Native Americans. Unfortunately for Israel, the old small pox infected blanket routine had been done to death, and the Palestinians were on to our game. So once again, Palestine is upset that they do not own their own land, and that they are a guest in occupied territory. In the immortal words of Met's announcer Bob Murphy,

"And heeerrrreeee coommee the suicide bombings"

Because that is the way to get things done! The whole idea of peace negotiations brings out the suicide bombers like insects to road kill, because their doctrine of kill and be killed is the only solution to wiping the other side off the planet. Hell, if those two don’t knock it off, I am about to come back there and give them something to bitch about. Hence the American involvement begins.

Like my father to disputes with my brothers, America stuck its big fat head into what really was not our problem to begin with. It seems that in trying to help out relocated, persecuted, bombed out Jews, we made more enemies by supplying the Israeli’s with our own weapons (by the way, my dad never gave us weapons to help my brother or myself during our fights. My dad spent his time giving weapons to the Iraqis when he worked as the director of the CIA, and then taking them away as President when he invaded that country later in 1991).

So there are only two solutions to the Middle East issue that America could execute without making enemies. We can either go back in time and kill that son of a God Jesus before that prick Pontius Pilot gets a chance at him, or settle the issue with the relocation of Palestinians… To Montana, because lets face it people, I’m not using it, are you? They can live happily ever after with the Asians for all I care. Problem solved.

Executive Order 9066 - Our Finest Hour

What’s the biggest problem in America today?


The problem with Asians is you can’t keep track of them; they’re like sand – they’re everywhere and they’re yellow. I have this Chinaman secretary, Ms. “Kitagawa,” and she has the slantiest eyes you’ve ever seen, sometimes I wonder if she can see me when I’m giving her orders, or if she’s even awake.

Now I realize it is impractical to simply stop them from getting married and scientists have informed me that they share the same genetic makeup we whites do; so a race specific disease is out of the question. I’m skeptical, but I guess we pay them to think for us right?

Anyway, this is my plan; a gentleman’s agreement if you will… We agree to educate their children already in our country, and they agree not to immigrate to our country ever again. If they break the rules, we ship them off to live in Montana, as far as my preliminary CIA intelligence reports suggest, no one else is living there currently so there shouldn’t be any problems.

Monday, October 04, 2004

Did you know?

The President of the United States has the power to launch Nuclear weapons without prior approval from congress? And to think, I wasted all that time convincing them to let me go to Iraq when I coulda just brought freedom and Democracy to them the quick way. At least I feel a little more comfortable knowing that I'm the only one who can launch those weapons, and not some irrational, ignorant, unpredictable, belligerent whack job from Hicktown, USA. Well, what's done is done, I'll just take this lesson and learn from it for next time. *Wink!*

(Iran, South Korea, France; I'm looking at you!)

Friday, October 01, 2004

The Debates...

Well. That went fairly well I think. Yeah, not too bad. Not the best. No. It could have been better. Ok, let’s be fair here; sure, I wasn’t on my game, in the zone, whatever, but I’ve got like 3 more debates anyway.

I did get one good point in; the blunt end of my glass of water.

Sonofabitch almost dodged that one too...

He’s a quick one that Kerry, you gotta give him that. Nonetheless I will stay the course, defeat the evildoers, bring freedom to Iraq with an Iron Fist if I have to (even if I have to kill every last Iraqi), honor the veterans, secure the homeland, September 11th, establish justice, promote the blessings of liberty, it’s a tough job we all know that, it’s gonna be tough, September 11th, Saddam Hussein was a bad man, the world is a safer place, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare an-n-n-d September 11th, September 11th and September 11th.

Son of a bitch! I mean come on! No one told me the damn debates were going to improvised let alone televised.

That John Adams was full of shit.