I'm Done Workin'... Kerry Can Have My Friggin' Job

Uhhhggg... do I have to hear about AIDS again? I have wars to plan and people to kill, and all they want me to work on is the AIDS epidemic in Africa. Reagan was right! This is a disease sent by God to punish the wicked for being Gays. I just didn't realize how fruity Africa was until just recently... over 30 million people in Africa have AIDS and are assumedly a Gay. Wait a minute... let me do the math real quick...

Whoa wait a second, 30 to 40 percent of the population of some of these countries are Gays with AIDS. That can't be right! Whatever, it is not the point. The point is people want me to solve this problem and I'm just one man... One man... What can I do?

Luckily I'm the President, so I don't have to think of things to do, I have people to do that for me - and in this case my people suggested I take a stance of abstinence. That makes sense, because abstinence works so well in American High Schools - it has to work in the middle of the friggin' desert.

Our only other option was to spend the 15 billion dollars set aside by congress to solve the problem with condoms, and we all know that condoms may prevent people from getting AIDS, but it doesn't prevent them from having sex out of wedlock - the real issue here. That's why I get paid the big bucks, cause I think outside the box.

So, help me stop the AIDS epidemic; by forcing 1/3 the population of Africa to stop "doin' it," as the kids like to say.

Unless...

We could somehow contain the entire continent so as not to infect us...