Friday, February 24, 2006

Responsible Spending

You ever see Richard Pryor in that movie Brewster’s Millions and think to yourself, “Man how in the world would I spend 30 million dollars in 30 days? That’s a million dollars a day!” Well I’ve officially spent 1.5 million dollars a day on PR alone since 2003! I rock!

You know how Super Bowl commercials cost a million dollars? I’ve made it Super Bowl Sunday everyday for 3 years! I totally rock!

John Candy was in Brewster’s Millions… for 1.6 billion dollars I could have invented some technology to bring him back from the crypt to go around telling everybody what a cool dude I am, but instead we wasted it trying to sugar-coat a bunch of shit that I’m not ashamed of. Like when we got rid of all the poor people in New Orleans, or when we shot that dude, or when we lied about WMDs… that takes skills! I rock so hard!

Man, a zombie John Candy would totally rock even harder… I get the feeling he would be way worth his money compared to that chubby S.O.B working for me now.

(Now I would pay 1.6 billion dollars to see that any day. Look out Scott! Someone wants your job!)

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Revision - He's not dead.

Um, don't read my last post - I just checked the news and it is irrelevant now. Basically I forgot to mention that I wasn't anywhere near the incident, and I had nothing to do with it, I swear. Also, I have decided to move back to the White House. On a side note, does anybody know how to delete old posts from a blog?

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Cheney Killed a Guy!

Oh God, Oh God! We’ve pulled some crazy shit in the past, but this is messed up!

I don’t have time to detail the entire event, cause I’m kind of in Mexico right now in a touristy internet café, but basically we were hunting and this bird pops up and Dick Cheney shot at it, and now our hunting partner is dead. I heard a shot, I heard a scream and I saw blood; lots and lots of blood. We didn’t stick around, we just saw the guy go down and then we booked it!

I have never run so fast in my life! The whole time I was thinking, “just don’t look back, keep running from this place until people forget your name,” and by the time I regained my senses we were more than a mile from where we killed the guy. By then we both knew it was too late and he had probably bled to death, so I told my pilot I had some urgent business in Tijuana and now I’m here.

Man this sucks! I really liked having power and stuff too. I guess since Cheney and I have fled the country that puts Dennis Haster and that crazy bastard Ted Stevens from Alaska in office. Horse shit! If people thought we were incompetent, just you wait.

Balls! I guess I better brush up on my Español.

(This is me working at my new seasonsal job for Signor Melquiades Estrada. I don't think I even need to mention why this is ironic)

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Hosni Mubarak Hates Brown People

Citizens. I swear to Gawd! You let a thousand of them drown in a national tragedy and they all of a sudden hate you, what’s the deal with that? I can totally relate to Egyptian President Mubarak right now, he must be feeling the pressure from those fickle pricks ever since that ferry tipped and about a thousand people died. To make matters worse, the captain of the ship was totally incompetent and fled the scene in the first lifeboat available… and just guess who the captain was… just guess!

(not me Jackass, the guy in the captain's hat trying to figure out where on the map he sunk his boat)

Former FEMA director, Brownie. I just knew appointing a man with a history of incompetence and zero experience behind the helm of a ferry was a mistake. But that is the price you pay for getting elected into office, you have to shell out the “spoils of war” to the people who helped you get elected… Then, when they screw up, you have to appoint them to a lower position overseas where the only people they can harm are foreigners.

Now before you get your panties in a bunch America, I just want you to remember… September 11th. Remember what I did after September 11th? Or have you forgotten?...

Wait, what did I do after September 11th… I invaded Afghanistan and killed Osama… or wait, did I kill him? I forget now… I united the country! Or did it just kind of get united and patriotic on its own… I invaded Iraq… but I really don’t think we should bring that up right now… I’ve got it! I took away our Civil Liberties! And you haven’t seen a single terrorist attack since!

Except for that whole DC Sniper thing, and the anthrax thing, and the kid flying into the plane thing, and the series of attacks on embassies and US and UK interests overseas… well nuts. Why do people like me? Wait, I’m totally responsible for that thing where the guy was going to choke on a pretzel and die, and I stepped up and saved the day! If I can save just one life, then I have made it all worth it.

Oh, and if you think of anything else I did, please post a comment. I need someone to start writing this stuff down.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Can you blame me?

Who does Cindy Sheehan think she is? My secret service guys had to arrest her just before my State of the Union address because she was wearing an anti-war T-Shirt. I’m sorry, but you can’t just go around saying and doing and thinking whatever you want! A democracy isn’t about dissent, and angry grieving mothers defending their right to speak!

Democracy is about the pomp and circumstance of a speech! It’s about traditions, like wearing a suit and a tie, standing, applauding, sitting down again, and being a white male.

Now I don’t purport to know everything… haha, Lord knows I’m not the brightest cookie in the tool shed, hell, I barely passed my Harvard entrance exam. Well hell, now that we’re being honest, I barely got through Harvard. To be really honest, there are a number of professors who are better off today than they were before they met me simply because I needed a passing grade in some Podunk general education requirement course!

God it feels good to be honest once and a while!

Well I completely forgot what I was talking about, but when it comes down to it, what more is there to say? Throwing her in jail for expressing her first amendment right is not illegal. The real crime would have been letting a woman with a face like a a slapped donkey be seen on television at the State of the Union. I did my part for my country.

(I don't mean to be mean or anything but... WOOF)