Wednesday, November 16, 2005

CIA report: Castro likely has Parkinson’s

One down, 34 dictators to go! At this rate, I could completely dismember the axis of evil in… one or two generations!

Now you may be saying, hey, Georgie-boy, it is highly unlikely you infected Castro with a disease which isn't contagious. You’d be wrong, stupid. The CIA has been trying to knock off that bastard for some 40 odd years now, and finally the sweet taste of revenge is in our grasps!

I’ve also infected Osama bin Laden with the debilitating brain disease, and in 30 to 40 years he should start showing symptoms, and after that, it’s only a matter of time before he’s dead! Sure, the Cold War is over, and in all likelihood the War on Terror will be over by the time Osama kicks off, but the point is he’ll be dead. These kinds of things take time; you don’t want to rush revenge.

Enemies of America beware! Like Castro, you too will be brought to justice. In time.

Sunday, November 06, 2005

Ethics in the White House

I sent out a memo this Friday to everyone at the White House instructing them to attend Ethics Classes in light of the recent high-level indictments at the White House, and I made it very clear in the memo there will be, “No exceptions.” Well, except for me. And Laura. And my dog Barney. That’d just be ridiculous (yet adorable)! Can you imagine! A dog, taking ethics classes! Ha! Adorable!

On a totally unrelated note, can anybody give me an example of irony? I've got this bet with this friend and we're trying to come up with the most ironic thing we can possibly think of, so if anybody stumbles upon an ironic situation or news event, please forward it along to me.

The President

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Spies Like Us

What I’m about to say is kind of confidential, and I don’t want you people spreading this personal anecdote around the internet, ok?

My father was in the CIA.

(my father in disguise with an unidentified man)

I’m not lying! He was an honest to God spook for the Central Intelligence Agency. This is how I found out…

I did a Google search for the words “CIA” and “President Bush” because I was trying to figure out what this whole Valerie Plame thing is about, and what it has to do with me (Cheney’s been keeping me out of the loop lately, and the New York Times is too wordy). So I clicked on ‘I’m feeling lucky’ and what do you know… George H. W. Bush: Director of the CIA. Dad! How come he never told me!

Now, this is exciting news; my dad was a spy! But I need you people to keep it secret. Remember, this is a personal Blog for friends and family, not for terrorists! Don’t go around publishing news articles or something stupid like that because it could compromise his secret identity as an average citizen/former President of the United States.

Can you imagine the amount of terror a spy would go through upon discovering that he/she had been outed? Not only is it a felony, but it is an abomination, and a breach of national security! Whosoever sinks low enough in life to divulge the secret identity of a spy is verily an asshole. I dare say I would rank them as low as the terrorists.

So. Back to my google search. In the mean time, if anyone wants to tell me what’s going on with the whole Valeria Plame thing, please, send a message my way. Cause I am so in the dark, it is ridiculous.

Email: (will trade National Secrets for a brief 2 to 3 page summary; double spaced, times new roman – my name at the top of the page on the left hand side along with date and subject)