Children: Our Nation's Most Valuable Resource

Children really are our most valuable resource...

I never really appreciated the depth of this statement until I forced several of the brightest petroleum scientists from Exxon to explore the matter medically. Our children are rich in blood! Red Gold! Vampire Tea! Plasma!

For years, liberal politicians have been bullshitting their constituents with “children are this nation’s most valuable resource” garbage. As if children magically produced more kilojoules of heat energy than oil or coal, ha! But for once, the Democrats were finally right.

We're talking 50 dollars for a full head of hair, 200 dollars for a gallon of blood, and 800 dollars for a kidney! Just think about it, with 93,000 people on a waiting list for a kidney, my current ban on stem cell research, and a plasma shortage that borders on the absurd for a self proclaimed 1st world nation… our only solution is to roll into the ghettos with enormous armored ambulances disguised as ice cream trucks to harvest the weaker, poorer (ethnic) children!

I call this plan the NEW No Child Left Behind act. The OLD No Child Left Behind act failed miserably and left our schools in the worstest shape ever (my bad!). Naturally the most economical solution (and remember, I am an economic conservative) is to harvest their organs and reduce the enormous bureaucracy of our Public Schools. I guarantee you; our elite squadron of ex-navy seal organ-harvesting doctors will leave no child left behind. Not one.

You may say, "Hey, George, that sounds evil..."

Well yes. In a simultaneous announcement in conjunction with my "NEW No Child Left Behind” act, I will also be unveiling a comprehensive “NEW Axis of Evil” list. This one will include most nations, including America! We've been on the fence of evil for too long anyway, if we're going to catch the terrorists, we have to be evil like the terrorists (Cheney’s words, not mine). This way, our nation’s soldiers can regard the Geneva Convention as if it was written on toilet paper (little known fact; it actually was scrawled on high quality Charmin Ultra). No one can stop our terrorist torturing-fresh-out-of-high-school recruits, not even our courts!

Remember, we’re protecting our homeland from the terrorist so as to protect our children… and their precious, precious organs.


(Where you see a room full of future drop-outs, I see financial opportunity. While we're at it, we might as well collect from the teachers too.)

For an excellent commentary on the benefits of Organ Harvesting on the black market and the overall societal rewards, I recommend the Brazilian film Chronically Unfeasible.

On an entirely separate note… I need a kidney; if you are A positive, shoot me an email!

Revision - He's not dead.

Um, don't read my last post - I just checked the news and it is irrelevant now. Basically I forgot to mention that I wasn't anywhere near the incident, and I had nothing to do with it, I swear. Also, I have decided to move back to the White House. On a side note, does anybody know how to delete old posts from a blog?

Cheney Killed a Guy!

Oh God, Oh God! We’ve pulled some crazy shit in the past, but this is messed up!

I don’t have time to detail the entire event, cause I’m kind of in Mexico right now in a touristy internet café, but basically we were hunting and this bird pops up and Dick Cheney shot at it, and now our hunting partner is dead. I heard a shot, I heard a scream and I saw blood; lots and lots of blood. We didn’t stick around, we just saw the guy go down and then we booked it!

I have never run so fast in my life! The whole time I was thinking, “just don’t look back, keep running from this place until people forget your name,” and by the time I regained my senses we were more than a mile from where we killed the guy. By then we both knew it was too late and he had probably bled to death, so I told my pilot I had some urgent business in Tijuana and now I’m here.

Man this sucks! I really liked having power and stuff too. I guess since Cheney and I have fled the country that puts Dennis Haster and that crazy bastard Ted Stevens from Alaska in office. Horse shit! If people thought we were incompetent, just you wait.

Balls! I guess I better brush up on my Español.

(This is me working at my new seasonsal job for Signor Melquiades Estrada. I don't think I even need to mention why this is ironic)

Are you offended yet?

You know who I hate? The army reservists. They bitch even more than women! In some cases they are women! And just for that, I have decided to cut their budget. Why would I do that? Cause I’m a dick? No. Because I can, and to teach them a lesson.

“But we don’t have enough money to begin with!”

Well cry me a river girly girls. You should have signed up for the military because you love your country, not for the pay. Wait, you do love your country right?

“Oooh, but I’ve been in Iraq for more than a year.”

I don’t want to hear it, if I did, I would hold frank and honest discussions with key members of the military, but I don’t cause that’s how I roll. For instance, the other day the Pentagon tried to tell me that troop levels were dangerously low and that the army was at risk of having a “broke back." You know what I said? I told em straight.

“Screw you queers! I don’t want anything to do with homosexual cowboys in the military no matter how low troop levels get!”

Which brings me to another point… what’s with the 82nd airborne? Did you hear about how they posed for nude pictures on a gay website? I tell ya, I lost all respect for them right there. Sure, they risk their lives in battle conditions I’ve never witnessed and done braver things than all the straight guys I know, but come on. Sex in the butt is only for wimps. Real men have sex in another hole, because it is manly. Thank God I have the manly courage to stand up and discredit them in front of the whole nation, then give them a dishonorable discharge.

Annnnnd another thing! Did you hear about how Washington State passed a law that says you can’t discriminate against homosexuals in the work place? Does that mean the army has to stop discriminating against Washington troops too? I don’t think it is fair to hold the government to the same strict guidelines that, for instance, the good workers at Starbucks are held too. A barista there can make upwards of 8.25 an hour (minimum wage)! The government would be out of business if we paid our social workers or teachers that kind of dough!

To conclude, the only ones to blame for poor results in Iraq are the troops, and not the brave souls who planned the invasion. Plus, with the extra money I’ll save from cutting troop funding, I’ll be able to partially pay for the reinforcement of security at the White House in preparation for the Easter Egg Roll which the homosexuals plan on crashing.


(this is what the White House Easter Egg Roll would look like if we let the queers from the 82nd airborne and their families participate)

Is nothing sacred to the terrorists?

Osama Bin Laden has no respect, none whatsoever, not even on our most holy of holidays. I left a construction-paper mailbox on the edge of my desk in the Oval Office, and I received several delightfully pleasant valentines from some co-workers (even Condi!), but Osama has to go and ruin my day by defiling the sacred tradition of the construction-paper mailbox with a letter laced with Anthrax. Not cool, Osama, not cool.


(forensic scientists have analyzed the letter and identified 4 pieces of evidence that link the letter to Osama – the handwriting, the reference to 9/11, the Anthrax which is a rare strain found primarily in the Afghani regions suspected of harboring Osama, and he wrote his name on the bottom)

The only reason I’m not dead is because my secretary has been stealing candy from my desk for months, and I mistakenly accused Colin, effectively locking him out of the Oval Office, and locking her in. Just like the old tale of the farmer and the hungry rabbit! Needless to say she’s dead. Though, to be fair, she was being kind of a dick.

On my ipod - N.E.R.D.

So I’m walking down the street yesterday and I tripped over a homeless guy. He was one of those crotchety old men who think that because they fought in a war before you were born that they somehow deserve something extra, like my respect. Then he has the audacity to ask me for spare change! Someone needs to do something about all the homeless people, so I’ve been brainstorming some ideas with Dick lately and I think we came up with some really good stuff…

Relocation:
Pros – they’re out of my way
Cons – they’re in someone else’s

Extermination:
Pros – they’re gone for good
Cons – semi-illegal, also disposal issues

Out-Reach Programs:
Pros – (nothing comes to mind, I’ll try to think of something later)
Cons – money, we all know the US government doesn't use money it doesn’t have

Then it dawned on me… what do hobos love least? Answer: being ridiculed and beaten unmercifully at the hands of police guided robots!


(This is an artist’s rendering [my rendering] of what the new state of the art Anti-Hobo Robots will look like in the process of beating and ridiculing the homeless…)

The hardest part of beating and ridiculing the homeless is locating them, that is why we will stage mock canned food drives to draw them close enough so that we can beat and ridicule them. I have also set aside several million dollars in US aid money to build homeless shelters, so that on cold winter nights the homeless can come to rest in our facilities, where we will then proceed to lock the doors and unmercifully beat and ridicule them.

The future is here...

Hang in there Dick!

I’m sure you’ve all heard it reported in the news that earlier this week Dick Cheney was checked out by doctors for shortness of breath. We’ve known of this health concern for a while now, but unfortunately there is nothing we can do to stop it. Dick Cheney has been infected with the rare RAGE virus, which was brilliantly depicted in the 2002 zombie film 28 Days Later. For those of you unfamiliar with the film (awesome scary movie) a rare virus rapidly spreads throughout the world infecting each person it encounters – the victims are then turned into blood thirsty zombies that roam the streets looking for more people to hurt/infect. It’s just too bad a man like Dick was infected in the prime of his life… Luckily, Dick is a fighter, and although infected, he does not appear to be showing any signs of this debilitating disease…

Before Infection:


After Infection:


Hang in there Dick! Everyone at the White House is pulling for you!




Well it’s either that, or another heart attack. What do I know, I’m not a doctor.

Terrorist Level: Fuschia

So there was like some sort of terrorist threat today immediately following the Presidential Debates, and I was rushed off to a "secret" city designed and used solely by government officials. I'll bet you can't guess where I am! Ok, I'll give you a few hints, but if you figure it out don't tell the axis of evil...

I'm nibblin' on sponge cake...

I've spent the entire day looking for my lost shaker of salt...

There's booze in my blender...

Still can't guess?! Well I guess it is a secret for a reason, and I suppose if you can't figure it out you probably shouldn't know; the government is like that sometimes. I've also brought along some close personal friends of mine, and I'll bet you'll have a hard time guessing who they are... Here are some more clues...

One of my friends' name rhymes with Prick Laney...

This other "friend" of mine was the real masterminded of the "War on Drugs," the "War on Terror," and the equally popular, but less mentioned "War on Fatties."

This special guest's name starts with an 'S', ends with an 'R' and has an 'chwarzenegge' in the middle...

If you must know, I've provided an answer key at the bottom...
Add up the points and see how you did:

- 0 out of 4 - not good, one of those was a giveaway!
- 1 out of 4 - congratulations, your GED is in the mail!
- 2 out of 4 - you belong in a mid-level federal government position!
- 3 out of 4 - you really know your leaders and their secret hide aways!
- 4 out of 4 - awesome! Have you considered working for the NSA?

Answer key:
A. Secret hide away - Margaritaville
B. Dick Cheney
C. Dad!
D. Condi Rice

Mood: Mellow

I’ve been meaning to talk to her about this recently, but Condi’s got an unusually nappy kitchen. I don’t know if she’s just ignoring it like she doesn’t care, or if she just doesn’t realize it, but I get so distracted! I swear one of these days I’m just going to sneak up on her and shave it.

Other than that, I pretty much always get an erection when Condi starts talking. It’s something about her being so powerful that just turns me on. Don’t tell me none of you think power is sexy… cause it is. I want to do her while she launches nuclear missiles at other countries.

I don’t have these fantasies because I don’t love Laura, it is just that those meetings get so damn boring; I have to think about something. When things get heavy, my mind starts wondering and dick takes over. Hehe, I just thought of something funny to myself.

Dick Needs Braces.

Ban Rock Climbing and Free Ice Cream...

Dick said it was time we came up with some new campaign issues to gather steam and rally the country behind the Republican Party. Banning gays, he said, was out of the question because the Queer Eye show is too popular, and because banning gays could have complications with the ACLU. Regardless, I’ve been bouncing a couple of these controversial issues back and forth in my head…

A Constitutional Commandment Banning Rock Climbing,
Our Tentative Logo (check out the sweet Photoshop skills):

Now hear me out… rock climbers are hippies and smoke pot… if we get rid of rock climbing, we get rid of rock climbers and in the process get rid of hippies and weed. I did a little research about rock climbers on www.rockclimbing.com and found out that they are extremely bored people without jobs. They also don’t wear shirts very often…
Climbers banned = better, safer America.

Free Ice Cream Day:

We spend 87 billion dollars to buy every American ice cream one day in the middle of summer. 87 billion being an arbitrary number which could fluctuate plus or minus 50 billion dollars depending on whether Americans prefer Dove bars over ice cream sandwiches.

Resegregation:
Like desegregation, but the opposite.

White House Reality TV:
Now I’m still toying with this idea, and it’s not perfect yet... The White House is retrofitted with over 100 TV cameras, along with a small number of video cameras strapped to small mammals which will be allowed to roam the White House compound… Over the course of sweeps week, American viewers would be able to see how whacky the White House really is, which, coincidentally enough is what I would call the TV show… This Whacky White House / Wild and Whacky White House / Whacky Whitey or something to that effect.

I’m looking forward to getting some feed back on the issues, and to find out which issue the American people would really like to get behind.

On My MP3 Player: Jamiroquai

The NSA asked for my permission to set up a secret test facility for futuristic bombs in Virginia. I said sure cause does anybody really live in Virginia anyway? Besides, it's like a thousand miles away from me. They always have to ask for my permission now because of what happened in Michigan, that was a bitch to cover up let me tell you. Anyway, it's hush hush, but I have such a hard time keeping secrets. I always end up telling someone, and I did it again, I went and told one of the daily tours that was coming through the White House. Dick said I shouldn't worry about it because they wouldn't be talking anyway, Dick always has a great way of making me feel better about these kinds of things. Like a few weeks ago I met this guy who was a big important spy, well long story short he wound up floating face down in the Potomac like a week later and Tom (this guy I appointed to homeland security because he kept getting in my way, another long story) started bitching at me, telling me it was my fault, but Dick fixed everything. He told the news people a great story about a disgruntled government employee jumping from the Woodrow Wilson Bridge. He did however tell me he was going to start reading through my posts before I published them on this Blog. Well, maybe he will and maybe he won't. I have my secrets too, Dick!

PS: If you're reading this, don't tell Dick.

I finally started my blog!

Wow, what a rough 3 years! Well I wanted to start this blog at the beginning of my presidency, but you know how things are. Being President seems like a full time job some days. I probably chose the worst time to start this blog, seeing as the election is coming up and all, but I told myself if I don't start it now, I'd probably just get distracted with another war or the current one and never get the site started! Dick says I should focus on "more important things like the election," but they're pretty much doing it for me anyway, and it's not like Dick ever listens to any of my ideas.

Anyway! I just got a new imac, and Condi taught me how to use it so I should be able to post pretty frequently. I hope you check in to see how crazy things get around the white house!