Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Children: Our Nation's Most Valuable Resource

Children really are our most valuable resource...

I never really appreciated the depth of this statement until I forced several of the brightest petroleum scientists from Exxon to explore the matter medically. Our children are rich in blood! Red Gold! Vampire Tea! Plasma!

For years, liberal politicians have been bullshitting their constituents with “children are this nation’s most valuable resource” garbage. As if children magically produced more kilojoules of heat energy than oil or coal, ha! But for once, the Democrats were finally right.

We're talking 50 dollars for a full head of hair, 200 dollars for a gallon of blood, and 800 dollars for a kidney! Just think about it, with 93,000 people on a waiting list for a kidney, my current ban on stem cell research, and a plasma shortage that borders on the absurd for a self proclaimed 1st world nation… our only solution is to roll into the ghettos with enormous armored ambulances disguised as ice cream trucks to harvest the weaker, poorer (ethnic) children!

I call this plan the NEW No Child Left Behind act. The OLD No Child Left Behind act failed miserably and left our schools in the worstest shape ever (my bad!). Naturally the most economical solution (and remember, I am an economic conservative) is to harvest their organs and reduce the enormous bureaucracy of our Public Schools. I guarantee you; our elite squadron of ex-navy seal organ-harvesting doctors will leave no child left behind. Not one.

You may say, "Hey, George, that sounds evil..."

Well yes. In a simultaneous announcement in conjunction with my "NEW No Child Left Behind” act, I will also be unveiling a comprehensive “NEW Axis of Evil” list. This one will include most nations, including America! We've been on the fence of evil for too long anyway, if we're going to catch the terrorists, we have to be evil like the terrorists (Cheney’s words, not mine). This way, our nation’s soldiers can regard the Geneva Convention as if it was written on toilet paper (little known fact; it actually was scrawled on high quality Charmin Ultra). No one can stop our terrorist torturing-fresh-out-of-high-school recruits, not even our courts!

Remember, we’re protecting our homeland from the terrorist so as to protect our children… and their precious, precious organs.


(Where you see a room full of future drop-outs, I see financial opportunity. While we're at it, we might as well collect from the teachers too.)

For an excellent commentary on the benefits of Organ Harvesting on the black market and the overall societal rewards, I recommend the Brazilian film Chronically Unfeasible.

On an entirely separate note… I need a kidney; if you are A positive, shoot me an email!

8 comments:

Mary said...

It's about time those lazy kids start pulling their weight. My son's always like "Mom, give me stuff!" "How about you give me your liver, Junior?!"

Danny said...

I got 2 kids therefore 2 spare livers. I should drink more.

Anonymous said...

yeah i agree also, but hey i need the money so drop me an email pres and ill gladly give you my kidney. me and my husband are both a positive lindamusick@peoplepc.com

Anonymous said...

Oh wow that so was funny. It was twisted and cynical but comical nonetheless. Ahh wouldn’t it be scary if people, especially powerful people, like the president, started or did think like that. The sad irony in all of this is there probably are people who think like that even if it’s just a joke it’s so messed up. Are all those facts true though?? I mean about how much organs are worth and how many people need organ transplants or blood transfusions? Ahh I can’t get over how awful and funny that was!! Oh and to those other people who commented you I really hope your kidding.

Anonymous said...

Oh wow that was funny. It was twisted and cynical but comical nonetheless. Ahh wouldn’t it be scary if people, especially powerful people, like the president, started or did think like that. The sad irony in all of this is there probably are people who think like that even if it’s just a joke it’s so messed up. Are all those facts true though?? I mean about how much organs are worth and how many people need organ transplants or blood transfusions? Ahh I can’t get over how awful and funny that was!! Oh and to those other people who commented you I really hope your kidding.

George Bush said...

Oh, it is entirely factual, I guarantee. Well most of it. The part about organs at least, and most of paragraph four. Not to mention the link to Cheney. And yes, I actually DO need a kidney, or at least it couldn't hurt to have an extra around.

Anonymous said...

I hate President George Bush, he Has ruined our country and i can't wait untill he is out of office, maybe Hilliary will wim and Bush Can't rig this election for a change.

Anonymous said...

You guys are all DAME GROSS! (except the last anonymous, the one behind me)! And I agree, Bush has ruined America, a sure hope the new president can change the disaster he made!!!