Monday, April 18, 2005

Send Food!

I’m so hungry right now - I would eat a cow if it walked into the oval office, died, was ground into small portions, cooked, and then placed between two buns. I’ve basically been on my own since Laura went out of town, and let me just tell you the state of the Union is hungry. Who would have guessed that placing top ramen into a bowl of water and heating in the microwave was so damn complicated? Those Chinese are cleverer than they look. I’m sorry, that was offensive. Those Chinese-Americans are cleverer than they look.

(A breakdown of what I've resorted to eating since Laura left.)

Tuesday, April 12, 2005


Oh Pope. If you’re so infallible, why are you dead? Just throwing that out there.

In all seriousness though, I understand the gravity of the situation, and I don’t want to poke fun at a man who will be remembered, if for nothing else, than for his treasure map which he bestowed upon me from the grave. Without giving away too much, let me just tell you how I stumbled upon his posthumous puzzle.

I was genuflecting before the Pope’s lifeless corpse when I instinctively noticed something peculiar. His hat was unusually shaped, much too much like an arrow, and not enough like a hat. It wasn’t long before I was ripping through the priceless art work cleverly positioned to disguise the location of the treasure map. Needless to say, the Holy Father understood that the layperson would be too dull witted to notice such a clever marker, but was aware that I would be attending his funeral and would easily crack the enigma.

Though finding the map was easy, deciphering it will prove difficult, as it has been written in a dead language I can barely comprehend. I believe scholars call it cursive.