What the terrorists want, we won't give 'em...

Osama's right hand man (the equivalent of my Donny) left a taped message for America on TV yesterday.

"You can elect Bush, Kerry or Satan himself, it doesn't matter to us," Ayman al-Zawahiri said in a tape broadcast by the Arabic-language Al-Jazeera television network. "What's important to us is the U.S. policies toward Muslims."

So apparently the terrorists want fair treatment of Muslims... well we can't give them what they want because that would mean the terrorists have already won. So to err on the side of safety, I'm signing into law Executive order 9066 Version 2.0 - The imprisonment of all things brown. Nothing is more important to me than the safety of all non-brown Americans, because after all, isn't that what the founding fathers intended? If they wanted Muslims to have rights too they would have said something like "All men are created equal - including brown people." But they didn't. They obviously left that part of the birth of our nation open for interpretation.


(The imprisonment of all things brown - no exceptions)

Besides, let's face it people, brown = terrorists, there is even a website about it... http://www.brownequalsterrorist.com/. Seriously, we can all stop being PC about this crap and just come out and say it... we don't need darkies in our country anymore because the people of the South and Midwest have spoken semi-unanimously.

Possible Warning Signs of "Sadness"

It seems to me that the Democrats - Kerry in particular - are taking this loss pretty hard. The standard response appears to be uncontrollable sobbing followed by hours of inconsolable pain marked my long periods of silence and a gentle rocking motion. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I had a conversation with Kerry last night on instant messenger...


Poor guy seems all tuckered out.

This time it's forealz!

I think there has never been a more appropriate time to say Boo Ya bitches! Yeah, you thought you’d be able to stop me by voting, but you were wrong as usual. Nothing stops Bush baby, I’m invincible! No amount of slander/truth can get me out of office or stop this blog.

The only downside I can see to this whole being the President thing is that it will definitely take time away from my real passion… the rodeo.


I wonder how Kerry is holding up, I should really IM him sometime…

Flair and Balanced

Douche bag John Kerry appeared on a talk show recently wearing an exaggeratedly oversized American flag lapel pin, as if to say he was more patriotic.



Well, not to be out done, I added more flair to my suit last week while working the bully pulpit, needless to say I look extremely proud to be an American.



Yet douche bag John Kerry fired back by wearing a ridiculous American Flag suit. Unfortunately for me, he looks strikingly similar to Uncle Sam, and I am therefore in a rush to find an even more flamboyant way to prove my patriotism to the American people.



Perhaps...

I'm Done Workin'... Kerry Can Have My Friggin' Job

Uhhhggg... do I have to hear about AIDS again? I have wars to plan and people to kill, and all they want me to work on is the AIDS epidemic in Africa. Reagan was right! This is a disease sent by God to punish the wicked for being Gays. I just didn't realize how fruity Africa was until just recently... over 30 million people in Africa have AIDS and are assumedly a Gay. Wait a minute... let me do the math real quick...

Whoa wait a second, 30 to 40 percent of the population of some of these countries are Gays with AIDS. That can't be right! Whatever, it is not the point. The point is people want me to solve this problem and I'm just one man... One man... What can I do?

Luckily I'm the President, so I don't have to think of things to do, I have people to do that for me - and in this case my people suggested I take a stance of abstinence. That makes sense, because abstinence works so well in American High Schools - it has to work in the middle of the friggin' desert.

Our only other option was to spend the 15 billion dollars set aside by congress to solve the problem with condoms, and we all know that condoms may prevent people from getting AIDS, but it doesn't prevent them from having sex out of wedlock - the real issue here. That's why I get paid the big bucks, cause I think outside the box.

So, help me stop the AIDS epidemic; by forcing 1/3 the population of Africa to stop "doin' it," as the kids like to say.

Unless...

We could somehow contain the entire continent so as not to infect us...

Who Would God Vote For?

If you have any doubt in your mind about who to vote for in the upcoming election, let me just say that I think I have one very valuable endorsement from a little guy known as the Big Guy upstairs.


(Michelangelo's Creation of Bush)

Now, I can’t be for sure (after all, the picture is something I did in Photoshop and not an authentic Michelangelo rendition of the Creation of Man), but I believe I can assume the Big Guy is in favor of me for several reasons.

First of all, I went to war (not in the sense that I fought in war, but that I sent others to fight in war), and when America goes to war, God is always in our favor – against the gooks, against the japs, against the nips, against the krauts, against the reds, against the tories, against the rebs, against the spics, against the reds again, and against the bugs (rent Starship Troopers, brilliant documentary about one of our finest intergalactic victories). God wanted them all to lose, and for the most part they did, except the tories the second time around and some of the gooks.

Second of all, John Kerry is a Catholic, and we all know Catholics have a tendency to die during their first term as President – another sign from God that Catholicism is the worst/wrong religion.

Finally, if God didn’t want me to be President, He would have said something already, or tried to kill me in some obscure fashion thereby leaving evidence of His will, but simultaneously shrouding it in such obscurity that doubt would still remain. For instance, if I choked on, let’s say; a piece of steak, fell while riding some impossibly stable transportation device, or formed grotesquely visible legions all over my skin. Now those would be clear indicators from God that He didn’t want me to be President. Obviously nothing like that has happened during my Presidency, so we can assume God likes my political stance on issues like the Right to Bear Arms in Heaven, or the right to keep Gays out of Heaven. God works in mysterious ways, and God wants Four More Years!

The Debates...

Well. That went fairly well I think. Yeah, not too bad. Not the best. No. It could have been better. Ok, let’s be fair here; sure, I wasn’t on my game, in the zone, whatever, but I’ve got like 3 more debates anyway.

I did get one good point in; the blunt end of my glass of water.



Sonofabitch almost dodged that one too...

He’s a quick one that Kerry, you gotta give him that. Nonetheless I will stay the course, defeat the evildoers, bring freedom to Iraq with an Iron Fist if I have to (even if I have to kill every last Iraqi), honor the veterans, secure the homeland, September 11th, establish justice, promote the blessings of liberty, it’s a tough job we all know that, it’s gonna be tough, September 11th, Saddam Hussein was a bad man, the world is a safer place, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare an-n-n-d September 11th, September 11th and September 11th.

Son of a bitch! I mean come on! No one told me the damn debates were going to improvised let alone televised.

That John Adams was full of shit.

One of my better Photoshop projects...

I had some extra time today just sitting around the office, so I worked on this little masterpiece...


(Kerry as the devil; note horns, red eyes and fangs)

This kind of satire is genius and simple! All you have to do is use a red pen (or Photoshop), find a poster of your opponent and then satirize the crap out of them like they were your gimp. I feel like P.D. East or Monoculus poking fun at the devil.

To be completely fair, I stole the idea from a group of Georgetown college kids who posted a picture of me with similar horns, red eyes and fangs on a street lamp near their campus. I'll admit the idea was quite good, so I hope they don't mind I tweaked it a little. You really do have to wade through a lot of shitty political satire to find the good stuff, but when you catch lightning in a bottle like this little piece of work, you really have something special.

I am sooo grounded...

Ah Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ! My mom found out I have a weblog, and she read it, and now my life is practically over. Mom found the site somehow and read the part about Laura being on the rag, and how I get erections while thinking about Condi at meetings and now she's in the hospital with symptoms of a stroke. Now my mind is racing to figure out if I wrote anything about doing coke, or whores.

As embarrassing as this is, it's not as embarrassing as the time she caught me masturbating in the Lincoln bedroom during Dad's presidency. In my rush to cover up I grabbed an original copy of the Emancipation Proclamation and used it as cleanup; I have to hear about that every Juneteenth, let me tell you.

Speaking of embarrassing, check out this...

(to be fair, I added the vote for Bush part, with the American flag)

Kerry tried catching a baby and inadvertently showed the world he couldn't catch, thus substantiating my entitlement to the thrown. Some people say that to be President of the United States, one needs to know the names of foreign leaders, the names of key foreign countries or the names of all 50 states. Well I might not be able to do all that, but I sure as hell can catch a friggin' baby if thrown at me, which in my opinion is as, if not more important.

George Lucas Best Start Running

The law is a funny thing. As President of the United States, I am still under the scrutiny of the law. If I j-walk, I get a fine. If I threaten to kill someone, I can be charged with a felony and serve jail time. But since the Death Penalty is legal, I can technically say "I want George Lucas executed," and not get in trouble for anything. In fact, funny thing about the law, I can have George Lucas executed, and since I'm the Commander and Chief of the most powerful military in the world, I can pretty much do whatever I want.

Sooo... for crimes against humanity, and for crimes against the Star Wars series, I hereby replace Osama Bin Laden with George Suckass as the number one Most Wanted man on the FBI's top ten list. There is currently a $25,000,000 reward for the capture or execution of said criminal.


(George Lucas at the next RNC if he doesn't shape up his act)

For those who haven't heard:
George Lucas digitally added in Jar Jar Binks into the original Star Wars series, along with Hayden Christensen and other crap. He also removed the ewok's song at the end of Return of the Jedi, which was my favorite part of all the Star Wars films. Now I personally haven't seen the new DVDs, but my friend Colin was bitching about it earlier, and I agree. Besides; Lucas is probably a Hollywood Liberal anyway, so one more dead celebrity equals one less vote for Kerry.

Now we got three wars waging in America thanks to me and my dad; a war on drugs, a war on terrorism, and a war on crappy remakes of classic films. Rest assured; America will not give in to the will of mad men with video cameras, massive egos and large budgets. Freedom will prevail.

Plus this pretty much means I can stop focusing so hard on the war on terror like I did on the war on drugs. If, say in another 2 years, I haven’t captured or killed George Lucas, I can always start a new war on something else and forget about this one. We Americans are suckers that way.

Kerry is a Douche Bag

Yesterday Kerry attacked my lack of attendance with the Air National Guard... is nothing sacred Mr. Kerry? Is nothing sacred? This coming from a man who only fought in Vietnam for like 6 months and only won like 3 purple hearts. Please, my grandmother won more purple hearts than that; God Bless that woman for fighting so passionately in Korea.

Another thing; I started two friggin’ wars! How many wars have you started Mr. Kerry? Your war record isn’t looking so strong anymore, my dear sir!

Finally, Kerry questioned his own government’s actions in Vietnam. Now, I don’t know about you, but I find that just downright un-patriotic. Mr. Kerry had no right to question the decisions made by our honorable President Nixon. Our Presidents aren’t just men, they are kings among men, and I’m not just saying that because I am a President. Do you think we just make mistakes Mr. Kerry? No, sir; Presidents don’t just make mistakes like regular people. Most every decision made by a President is the right decision. No, all decisions are the right decisions. Except Japanese Internment and that whole Slavery thing, some argue that was a mistake. Oh, also the Bay of Pigs, and infecting the homeless with Gonorrhea, that was a mistake. Ok, like 99 percent of presidential decisions are accurate. That’s not the point! Whether it was right to go into Vietnam is irrelevant, the war was just. All wars are just. Well most wars are just. Vietnam was just just.

My country right or wrong!

Also, Condi if you’re reading this we’re having a PJ party tonight in the third room on the left down the hall on the second floor next to the oval office. Bring your own pillow.

Blah!

So The Passion of the Christ came out on DVD today and I went out to Best Buy and got a copy along with My Dog Skip because it was on sale (good flick, too!). I liked Braveheart, and I loved Braveheart II - the one about the Civil War - but man, this is by far his bloodiest movie ever! I'm such a girl too cause I would always flinch when Mel Gibson dislocated his shoulder in the Beverly Hills Cop series, but daaaaammmnnn, there was so much blood in The Passion. Actually I saw the movie like 3 months ago; I downloaded it when it first came out in theaters cause I really wanted to see it but I wasn't about to pay $10.00 for a ticket! It's ok though, cause I downloaded it on George's computer (George Tenet, not George Me), and if the RIAA ever found out they'd track it back to him! Hahaha... Man you should see George's face when I do things like that to him! He actually had to resign once, but I told him he could crash at my place if he wanted to, and besides, he doesn't know it was me anyway.

Had a big speech today, went alright I thought, I always get real nervous just before a speech, and then afterwards I feel pumped (I actually had to tweek the speech a little because I didn't realize it was just an acceptance speech for the Republican party's nomination). I called Kerry right afterwards and talked about it and he says that he gets the same way! For all of our differences, we actually have a lot in common, especially cause we're both running for the same position. It's a shame we have to be such enemies because we were really tight before all this election stuff. A while back we had shirts made out that said "World's Greatest Grandpa" and "World's Greatest Grandson" and we'd wear them together whenever we went to the mall or wherever and people would always be like, "Wuuuaah?" It was hilarious, but now we don't wear them together anymore. I wonder if he's still got his.

8 more days until I'm re-elected!

It's so close I can taste it! Every September 2nd, Americans across the globe will go to church and vote for me (finally no more campagining!) or, I suppose, Kerry. Well, I'm not worried about that, I am however worried about the state of our great nation.

Did you know gas prices are ridiculous lately? When did that happen? I don't usually get gas anymore, cause when I'm in Texas I either ride in my stretch limo or my stretch horse (they breed those now!), but I went to an Exxon the other day and paid like 2 dollars a friggin' gallon! This disturbs me greatly, and as President, I am going to do whatever I can to lower those prices. I hear that France has oil reserved in their ground - which really just means two birds with one stone if you know what I'm talking about, and I think you do! uhg, but enough politics, I've been dealing with campaign crap non stop since this afternoon and it is time for a break!

Busy day today, fed Barney my dog and then he threw up on my couch, took forever to get it out, but on the plus side I found like 3 quarters and a couple of dimes which I put straight into the "National Debt Jar" I keep on my desk. Everytime I find spare change I throw it in there, cause you know, every little bit helps. Anyway, that was about it for my day besides signing like six friggin' documents and taking a mid afternoon nap. Maybe things will get less hectic around here once the campaign is over and I can get back to what I really enjoy... jerking off to the Dixie Chicks. I kid dude, but seriuosly they are hot, I don't care what anyone says. Especially the chubby one.

Swift Boat Veterans for Truth

Whoa, talk about some good luck! These guys turned their back on Kerry for less than we spent on the TV "spot". "Spot" is an industry term for a commercial. I asked Donald what would happen if the Democrats found any of my old Air National Guard buddies, but he said they'd been "taken care of." Christ! He over uses those quotation marks. We're "going out to lunch," that pinko commie has "gone to his last political rally," and Iraq has "WMDs." Come on Donny, I'm a grown man, you can tell me what you're really talking about. I think I really need to talk to him about how I feel. He wouldn't even let me speak at the 9-11 commission's hearings without adding something or interupting me. Sometimes I just feel so bottled up ya know? I can't really express how I feel in words, so I wrote a poem, it's not any good, but it kind of expresses how I feel, and it's nothing big, it's just a little something I did during one of our White House briefings, and I only spent like 5 minutes on it anyway, so here it is...

trapped in a cage
all alone
can't express my rage
not even on the phone,

I try so hard,
I try so long,
but everyone always says...
I'm wrong.

why won't they listen
why can't I try?
hey who's in charge here?
you... or I?

It's got layers, and it's still a work in progress, and I know if I really tried it wouldn't be so bad, but it's just something I felt like writing so there it is.