Who Would God Vote For?

If you have any doubt in your mind about who to vote for in the upcoming election, let me just say that I think I have one very valuable endorsement from a little guy known as the Big Guy upstairs.


(Michelangelo's Creation of Bush)

Now, I can’t be for sure (after all, the picture is something I did in Photoshop and not an authentic Michelangelo rendition of the Creation of Man), but I believe I can assume the Big Guy is in favor of me for several reasons.

First of all, I went to war (not in the sense that I fought in war, but that I sent others to fight in war), and when America goes to war, God is always in our favor – against the gooks, against the japs, against the nips, against the krauts, against the reds, against the tories, against the rebs, against the spics, against the reds again, and against the bugs (rent Starship Troopers, brilliant documentary about one of our finest intergalactic victories). God wanted them all to lose, and for the most part they did, except the tories the second time around and some of the gooks.

Second of all, John Kerry is a Catholic, and we all know Catholics have a tendency to die during their first term as President – another sign from God that Catholicism is the worst/wrong religion.

Finally, if God didn’t want me to be President, He would have said something already, or tried to kill me in some obscure fashion thereby leaving evidence of His will, but simultaneously shrouding it in such obscurity that doubt would still remain. For instance, if I choked on, let’s say; a piece of steak, fell while riding some impossibly stable transportation device, or formed grotesquely visible legions all over my skin. Now those would be clear indicators from God that He didn’t want me to be President. Obviously nothing like that has happened during my Presidency, so we can assume God likes my political stance on issues like the Right to Bear Arms in Heaven, or the right to keep Gays out of Heaven. God works in mysterious ways, and God wants Four More Years!