Sunday, February 27, 2005

Secret Service keep choosing retarded codenames

The Secret Service changed my codename yesterday to “Corky.” That’s the fifth time this month we’ve had to change my codename because someone keeps leaking it, freakin' A people, learn to keep a secret. Corky isn’t great, but at least it is better than the last codenames; Gump, Lennie, Childers, Bufford Blue or my least favorite, Carrot Top. The codename used to just be, “The Retarded Kid from Mercury Rising,” until I reminded them that the kid wasn’t retarded, he was autistic. There is a difference.

Personally I find it insulting that they won’t listen to my ideas for codenames; Megatron, Eagle One, Deepthroat or Blue Velvet are perfectly acceptable/cool names which sound even cooler over the walkie talkies. “Apparently” all of those names are reserved for other members of our parliament, but I think they’re just using that as an excuse because they are afraid to admit I am right.

Deepthroat, over and out.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Bumper Stickers; self expression or retardation?

You know who I can’t stand? Besides the gays? The people who drive around with these lame bumper stickers…

Those people just really piss me off. And not even because they hate our troops, but because they think they’re somehow making a difference by declaring to the world their sentiments towards soldiers through the medium of a friggin’ bumper sticker!

Ok we get it, you hate our troops, la-de-friggin’-da, now watch while I cut you off asshole. Seriously, you white trash, rednecked, gun-totting, sister-marrying, inbreeds can blow it out your exhaust pipes, because you know what? You’re not doing anything! You’re not supporting or undermining anybody! You’re just ruining a perfectly good F-350 “Super-Duty” bumper.

Then those morons make it a contest to see who “hates the troops more,” by seeing how many ribboned stickers they can jam onto their bumper. Just because you have 4 of them running across the back of your car does not mean you are the most unpatriotic American out there, it just makes you the dumbest.

As President, I approve this rant.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Is nothing sacred to the terrorists?

Osama Bin Laden has no respect, none whatsoever, not even on our most holy of holidays. I left a construction-paper mailbox on the edge of my desk in the Oval Office, and I received several delightfully pleasant valentines from some co-workers (even Condi!), but Osama has to go and ruin my day by defiling the sacred tradition of the construction-paper mailbox with a letter laced with Anthrax. Not cool, Osama, not cool.

(forensic scientists have analyzed the letter and identified 4 pieces of evidence that link the letter to Osama – the handwriting, the reference to 9/11, the Anthrax which is a rare strain found primarily in the Afghani regions suspected of harboring Osama, and he wrote his name on the bottom)

The only reason I’m not dead is because my secretary has been stealing candy from my desk for months, and I mistakenly accused Colin, effectively locking him out of the Oval Office, and locking her in. Just like the old tale of the farmer and the hungry rabbit! Needless to say she’s dead. Though, to be fair, she was being kind of a dick.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

On my ipod - N.E.R.D.

So I’m walking down the street yesterday and I tripped over a homeless guy. He was one of those crotchety old men who think that because they fought in a war before you were born that they somehow deserve something extra, like my respect. Then he has the audacity to ask me for spare change! Someone needs to do something about all the homeless people, so I’ve been brainstorming some ideas with Dick lately and I think we came up with some really good stuff…

Pros – they’re out of my way
Cons – they’re in someone else’s

Pros – they’re gone for good
Cons – semi-illegal, also disposal issues

Out-Reach Programs:
Pros – (nothing comes to mind, I’ll try to think of something later)
Cons – money, we all know the US government doesn't use money it doesn’t have

Then it dawned on me… what do hobos love least? Answer: being ridiculed and beaten unmercifully at the hands of police guided robots!

(This is an artist’s rendering [my rendering] of what the new state of the art Anti-Hobo Robots will look like in the process of beating and ridiculing the homeless…)

The hardest part of beating and ridiculing the homeless is locating them, that is why we will stage mock canned food drives to draw them close enough so that we can beat and ridicule them. I have also set aside several million dollars in US aid money to build homeless shelters, so that on cold winter nights the homeless can come to rest in our facilities, where we will then proceed to lock the doors and unmercifully beat and ridicule them.

The future is here...

Thursday, February 03, 2005

The Gay Conspiracy

Well I hate the gays as much as any Republican, but come on now, what’s the deal with Sponge Bob being bad because he was gay! He’s a cartoon character for Christ’s sake! He doesn’t even have genitalia! Besides, I grew up with homosexual Muppets and my mom never complained.

I'll be the first to admit it, but this is extremely petty even for us Republicans. In a complete reversal of my staunchly anti-homosexual record, I’m taking a stand with Sponge Bob on this one...

He’s here, he’s square, get used to it.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Iraq, or as I like to call it; Little America

In a stunning, yet not too unpredictable turn of events, it looks like I have won the election in Iraq! I will, however, have to look into the legality of being President of both America and Iraq, but I doubt these two great nations will have any conflict of interests.

(the Red represents districts where I had strong support, the Blue represents a district where any one of the other 723 candidates had strong support and/or violence was too strong to hold elections, and the Green represents districts showing strong support for the Rev. Al Sharpton)

Wow, I mean wow, this is seriously just amazing! I don’t know how I’m going to manage my time between America and Iraq! They’re both so demanding, on the one hand Americans want social justice and economic security, and on the other, I have to make myself look good by killing the rebels in Iraq. Naturally my attention will focus on Iraq for at least the first 2 years, but that whole predicament should settle down in time for me to start pretending like I give a crap about the National Debt or the environment in America. And I thought I was getting a lot of heat for focusing too much of my time in Iraq… wait till they hear about my “No Limb Left Behind Act;” comprehensive, time consuming, and economically impractical, but absolutely necessary to clean up the streets of our beloved Tikrit.