Sorry?

100 days and counting until I'm outta here.

Wow. 8 years. That's 8 years of my life I will never get back. I kind of regret signing up for this job; it was a soul sucker.

If you'll notice, the poll on the right shows I have a commanding lead over John McCain. But honestly - I don't think I could take 4 more years of me.

Sure, you could write me in on your ballot, but in the immortal words of the late great Danny Glover - I'm getting too old for this shit.

So who should you vote for? Well I don't know why you're asking me, honestly. But I'll give you my two cents (but I'm going to need that 2 cents back when you're done with it... what with the economy and all).

John McCain - old, and grumpy. Eh. Not a lot going on there.

Barrack Obama - possible terrorist, but has really good economic policies, a pretty decent tax plan, and a killer jump shot.

Bob Barr/Ron Paul - Go ahead, throw your vote away.

The problem with voting for John McCain is that he's got an idiot for a VP. So if he passes on (And trust me people at 72 you're pushing it), well then we're stuck with a whack job as president. Someone who can't control the insanity that spills from her mouth, who can't form a single coherent English sentence, and who doesn't even read a single paper. Hell people, even I read Mad Magazine once and a while!

The problem with voting for Barrack Obama is that he'll try to fix all the stuff I spent 8 years doing. Do we really want that? Think about what will happen to my legacy!

In conclusion: If you go to the polls on November 4th (it hasn't changed, has it?) think about all the accomplishments of my administration, and think about what would happen if he "changed" everything I did.

My Accomplishments:
Gas prices
The economy
The War in Iraq
The War in Afghanistan
The Environment
Torture
The National Debt
Tony Danza's Career
9/11
Spying on Americans
Global Credibility
Stopped Stem Cell Research
Airline Bailout
Located Bin Laden (narrowed down to 1 or 2 countries)
Unemployment
Privatized Military
Patriot Act

I haven't seen the trailer to the new movie about me coming out next week - but I'll be it will be good. Check it out!

How does a double amputee run in a senate race?

Poorly! HAHAHA.... cause she has no legs.

This weekend, Republican Peter Roskam stood up against one of the dirtiest tricks from a Democrat this year. If you haven’t already heard, the Dems put a female double amputee Iraq War veteran in a state congressional race in Illinois. How low can they get? What a cheap ploy! I mean, come on, we all know women can’t hold office!

But Republican Peter Roskam called their bluff and rightly asserted that Tammy Duckworth (the legless woman) was going to “cut and run” in Iraq. True story! He actually told the Iraq war vet she would cut and run with her prosthetic legs… man, even I don’t have balls that big! Damn! I mean, damn… I once hit a blind man with my car at a crosswalk and told him to watch where he was going, but damn! Cut and run… hahaha… Arguably, it would be a slow run, probably more of a crawl as she clawed her way across the sand, dragging two lifeless stumps behind her, but it would be a run nonetheless. Hahaha… *sigh,* had I known this war would have had such hilarious side effects, I would have started it earlier and with more countries.

Peter Roskam, you sir, are a gentleman and a scholar. Please, everyone, contact Peter Roskam and tell him how hilariously outrageous you think he is, and remind him to keep up the good work. Way to go Pete, you’ve taken politics to a new level!


(Just look at that smug sense of satisfaction oozing from his receding hairline; that's the look of a man who knows he's a class act politician.)

On a separate note, what do you think of the new blog look? I thought this administration could use a little shake up, so I'm starting with the blog and I'll work from there.

God damn anti-war neo-nazi skinhead democrats

I’ve got the distinct feeling there is too much partisanship going on lately. Look at the news on any given day and you’ll see divisive issues tearing this country apart, and it seems to be down party lines.

I for one, have been doing my best (particularly on this blog) to reconnect Democrats and Republicans through open discussion and mature dialogue – take a look at any of my previous posts and you’ll see what I mean.

But leave it to the Democrats (or should I say, Demolition-crats… no, that’s not even really very funny) to attempt to destroy any bipartisan efforts made by our convivial Republican brethren. One of the latest examples of their irresponsible partisan behavior was when they rallied together to block our Republican attempts to keep minimum wage at Wal-Mart low levels! In the process of fighting for an absurd cause like raising the minimum wage, they stalled important legislation that would have increased congress’ pay.

Did you know that congressmen make less than the average-minimum wage of a dictator from a corrupt third world country? Appalling isn’t it? We’re talking about subsistence-luxury living in the mansions of Washington, DC.

My point is their partisan actions have put them more in line with Nazis than Americans. That’s right, I said it. Democrats partisanship has made them worse than Nazis. Donnie Rumsfeld was right to go out on a limb last week and compare Americans who spoke out against the Iraq war to Nazi sympathizers. And if the Democrats (or should I say, Demon-crats? Is that really even better or did I make it worse?) don’t hop on board the bipartisan movement… well then, they’re worse than Hitler.

During WWII, Hitler was opposed to invading Iraq because it was, and I quote, “No threat (to Germany), particularly during a time when (Germany) was involved in so many other conflicts around the globe.”

Sound familiar? I hear the distinct echo of dove Democrats (or should I say, the demogaogues… actually I’m not completely sure I know what that word means, so let’s just leave it at democrats).

So if you’re opposed to the War in Iraq, then you might as well vote for the Third Reich party this year, because that’s what Hitler would have wanted. No war in Iraq.

(Anti-war neo-nazi skinhead Democrats at the Democratic National Convention, espousing their biggoted message of non-violence)

I'm on my knees!

Remember when you were in college and you had to call your mom up and ask for rent money? And she would say, “but I already gave you rent money this month, you need to stop spending it on beer!” And you would say, “Yea, but Mom, I’m so coked out of my mind right now, and I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t score some more white gold!” And she would say, “But that’s not what our hard earned money is for, plus you’re going to ruin your father’s chances at political office if you keep snorting up every last dime!” And you would say, “But mom, I’m already 15 grand in the hole and some guy named Mad Dog is going to ‘have intercourse with my excrement’ if I don’t get him the cash I owe him.” And she would say “Don’t use that language with me, how in God’s infinite mercy did you grow up in such a white neighborhood with that mouth?” And on and on and on…

Universal story, we’ve all been there. So you have to know how I feel when I say I made a mistake and invaded the wrong country and I need more money.

Iran ADMITS to trying to make WMDs, and now I feel like shit for making you guys spend all your time going over to Iraq back when we only THOUGHT they had WMDs. I was wrong; it takes a big man to admit that. Well, I’m not officially admitting guilt… once again I remind any reporters reading this blog that it is for friends and family only! These little posts should not be taken as actual White House policy. Ha! Lord if they did… Seriously, if I admit I’m wrong in Iraq, then people would want to pull out of there…

For the record: It is imperative that another President is forced to pull out of Iraq so I can save face. Come on, give me a break, I’ve been through enough in this presidency; it wouldn’t be fair to make me take the blame for losing this war and sending that poor nation into civil war. How could they even have a civil war! They don’t even own slaves!

To reiterate: Come on man! Help a brother out. Don’t stick me with this! I wanted to go down in the history books as the guy who didn’t screw up!

(How the history books would read if I wrote them)

Hosni Mubarak Hates Brown People

Citizens. I swear to Gawd! You let a thousand of them drown in a national tragedy and they all of a sudden hate you, what’s the deal with that? I can totally relate to Egyptian President Mubarak right now, he must be feeling the pressure from those fickle pricks ever since that ferry tipped and about a thousand people died. To make matters worse, the captain of the ship was totally incompetent and fled the scene in the first lifeboat available… and just guess who the captain was… just guess!

(not me Jackass, the guy in the captain's hat trying to figure out where on the map he sunk his boat)

Former FEMA director, Brownie. I just knew appointing a man with a history of incompetence and zero experience behind the helm of a ferry was a mistake. But that is the price you pay for getting elected into office, you have to shell out the “spoils of war” to the people who helped you get elected… Then, when they screw up, you have to appoint them to a lower position overseas where the only people they can harm are foreigners.

Now before you get your panties in a bunch America, I just want you to remember… September 11^th. Remember what I did after September 11^th? Or have you forgotten?...

Wait, what did I do after September 11^th… I invaded Afghanistan and killed Osama… or wait, did I kill him? I forget now… I united the country! Or did it just kind of get united and patriotic on its own… I invaded Iraq… but I really don’t think we should bring that up right now… I’ve got it! I took away our Civil Liberties! And you haven’t seen a single terrorist attack since!

Except for that whole DC Sniper thing, and the anthrax thing, and the kid flying into the plane thing, and the series of attacks on embassies and US and UK interests overseas… well nuts. Why do people like me? Wait, I’m totally responsible for that thing where the guy was going to choke on a pretzel and die, and I stepped up and saved the day! If I can save just one life, then I have made it all worth it.

Oh, and if you think of anything else I did, please post a comment. I need someone to start writing this stuff down.

Are you offended yet?

You know who I hate? The army reservists. They bitch even more than women! In some cases they are women! And just for that, I have decided to cut their budget. Why would I do that? Cause I’m a dick? No. Because I can, and to teach them a lesson.

“But we don’t have enough money to begin with!”

Well cry me a river girly girls. You should have signed up for the military because you love your country, not for the pay. Wait, you do love your country right?

“Oooh, but I’ve been in Iraq for more than a year.”

I don’t want to hear it, if I did, I would hold frank and honest discussions with key members of the military, but I don’t cause that’s how I roll. For instance, the other day the Pentagon tried to tell me that troop levels were dangerously low and that the army was at risk of having a “broke back." You know what I said? I told em straight.

“Screw you queers! I don’t want anything to do with homosexual cowboys in the military no matter how low troop levels get!”

Which brings me to another point… what’s with the 82nd airborne? Did you hear about how they posed for nude pictures on a gay website? I tell ya, I lost all respect for them right there. Sure, they risk their lives in battle conditions I’ve never witnessed and done braver things than all the straight guys I know, but come on. Sex in the butt is only for wimps. Real men have sex in another hole, because it is manly. Thank God I have the manly courage to stand up and discredit them in front of the whole nation, then give them a dishonorable discharge.

Annnnnd another thing! Did you hear about how Washington State passed a law that says you can’t discriminate against homosexuals in the work place? Does that mean the army has to stop discriminating against Washington troops too? I don’t think it is fair to hold the government to the same strict guidelines that, for instance, the good workers at Starbucks are held too. A barista there can make upwards of 8.25 an hour (minimum wage)! The government would be out of business if we paid our social workers or teachers that kind of dough!

To conclude, the only ones to blame for poor results in Iraq are the troops, and not the brave souls who planned the invasion. Plus, with the extra money I’ll save from cutting troop funding, I’ll be able to partially pay for the reinforcement of security at the White House in preparation for the Easter Egg Roll which the homosexuals plan on crashing.


(this is what the White House Easter Egg Roll would look like if we let the queers from the 82nd airborne and their families participate)

Does anybody else smell sulfur?

Massive tsunami kills 275,000
Death toll from Hurricanes Katrina and Rita tops 1,000
Subway bombing in London kills 40
Pandemic bird flu kills hundreds and threatens the world
Earthquake in Pakistan kills 40,000
Gas prices skyrocket and kill my polls
Chief Justice Rehnquist dies, at least one dead
CBS picks up Ted Danson for another season

I get the distinct feeling something bad is about to happen to the people of earth, or that something bad is happening to the people of earth. It seems like everyday things just keep getting worse and worse, and now “scientists” are predicting the bird flu pandemic could soon begin spreading from person to person with a kill ratio of 1 in 2. I just… I just get the distinct feeling God might be trying to punish us for our arrogant ways… or maybe he’s trying to punish us for not being arrogant enough. I’ll have one of my secretaries look into that.


(alongside unusually warm weather patterns in the last decade, I’ve been noticing an increased number of horsemen running through my front yard, which white house aid Stephen Johnson has assured me is attributed to the Earth's natural fluxuation in horsemen)

At least the Iraq insurgency has been quelled and American service men have stopped dieing.

In Regards to Recent Concerns about the Increasing Costs and the Growing Insurgency in Iraq:

Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la. Lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa, laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala! Lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la. Lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalala. Lalala lala lalalaalaalaa lalala laaa, lala laaalaa lalala lalalaaa? La. Lalalalalala. Lalalalala. I’m not listening! Lalalalala. Lalalala lala lala lalalalalaa laalalala lalalla. Lalalala lala lalaala lalal laalala lalalal; lalalala lalal lala lalalalalal lalaalala. Lalalala lalalala lalal, lalalalal lalalalalal, lalalla lalallalala llalal lalal lalalalalal. Lalalalala, lalalala lalal laalaaa lalaaa. Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la. Lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalala. Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la. Lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalala. Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la. Lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalala.

Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la. Lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa, laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala! Lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la. Lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalala. Lalala lala lalalaalaalaa lalala laaa, lala laaalaa lalala lalalaaa? La. I can’t hear you! Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la. Lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa, laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala! Lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la. Lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalala. Lalala lala lalalaalaalaa lalala laaa, lala laaalaa lalala lalalaaa? La.

I thought I had made myself clear about the situation in Iraq, but the media continues to ask the same questions, so for the last time... lalalalaa. I hope this clarifies things.

Do the Iraqis really want us in Iraq?

We sent a team of 200 pollsters door to door in Iraq to find out, and the response was overwhelming. 58 of the nearly 59 pollsters who returned said that support for our troops in Iraq is high!

Tom Tancredo of Colorado says we should bomb Mecca if terrorists use a nuclear weapon against our cities… stick with me here, this may get a little hard to follow…

Question: Who is Godzilla?

Answer: The Japanese cinematic manifestation of nuclear destruction…

My point is; what would scare the shit out of our Islamic enemies more than nuclear weapons and a threat to blow up their most holy of holy sites?


Answer: Mecca Godzilla. Need I say more?

Bumper Stickers; self expression or retardation?

You know who I can’t stand? Besides the gays? The people who drive around with these lame bumper stickers…



Those people just really piss me off. And not even because they hate our troops, but because they think they’re somehow making a difference by declaring to the world their sentiments towards soldiers through the medium of a friggin’ bumper sticker!

Ok we get it, you hate our troops, la-de-friggin’-da, now watch while I cut you off asshole. Seriously, you white trash, rednecked, gun-totting, sister-marrying, inbreeds can blow it out your exhaust pipes, because you know what? You’re not doing anything! You’re not supporting or undermining anybody! You’re just ruining a perfectly good F-350 “Super-Duty” bumper.

Then those morons make it a contest to see who “hates the troops more,” by seeing how many ribboned stickers they can jam onto their bumper. Just because you have 4 of them running across the back of your car does not mean you are the most unpatriotic American out there, it just makes you the dumbest.

As President, I approve this rant.

Iraq, or as I like to call it; Little America

In a stunning, yet not too unpredictable turn of events, it looks like I have won the election in Iraq! I will, however, have to look into the legality of being President of both America and Iraq, but I doubt these two great nations will have any conflict of interests.

(the Red represents districts where I had strong support, the Blue represents a district where any one of the other 723 candidates had strong support and/or violence was too strong to hold elections, and the Green represents districts showing strong support for the Rev. Al Sharpton)

Wow, I mean wow, this is seriously just amazing! I don’t know how I’m going to manage my time between America and Iraq! They’re both so demanding, on the one hand Americans want social justice and economic security, and on the other, I have to make myself look good by killing the rebels in Iraq. Naturally my attention will focus on Iraq for at least the first 2 years, but that whole predicament should settle down in time for me to start pretending like I give a crap about the National Debt or the environment in America. And I thought I was getting a lot of heat for focusing too much of my time in Iraq… wait till they hear about my “No Limb Left Behind Act;” comprehensive, time consuming, and economically impractical, but absolutely necessary to clean up the streets of our beloved Tikrit.

Time's Man of the Year

I'm a God - make that, the God!!

I'm now one of a very exclusive list of men who have been Time's Man of the Year twice, including great war leaders like Lyndon B. Johnson, Richard M. Nixon and Joseph Q. Stalin! As you might remember, all three men led our country as we struggled through the successful Vietnam Conflict, which makes me the first Man of the Year to struggle through my own! The greatest pride, however, is knowing that because of me future Presidents will be provided the chance to struggle through Iraq and join us on the great list of two timing Men of the Year. So Arnold, in advance - you're welcome.

Mood - Indifferent

So I was talking to the Italian Prime Minister today, and Silvio told me that the word "Republican" comes from the Latin word "Republici" which means easily fooled, or gullible (or gullable - it's spelled two different ways in the dictionary). Won't his face be red when I inform him that after looking through two dictionaries, two encyclopedias and all over the internet I found no proof that "Republican" means either "Gullible" or "easily fooled." Ha! Easily fooled... does he have any idea how much money it took to convince them to go to Iraq and re-elect me? Republicans aren't easily fooled, that kinda thing takes cash.

Silvio you old dog... fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times - you get added to the axis of evil my friend.

Pssh, they don't have feelings anyway...

Well if you watch any of those liberal news stations like CNN or FOX you know what kind of shit storm I should be in, but this time around I have the will of the people, so it doesn't really matter what I do or say. That guy deserved it! I know he was supposedly "unarmed," and apparently "wounded," but those are just words - crazy ideals! They aren't tangible like Freedom, Liberty and Democracy. In the long run, that guy will be thankful we went in there and liberated him from Saddam. Hell, Saddam might have used bullets instead of freedom liberty and democracy, and that would have really hurt. So people of Iraq, there is no need to thank me, it was my pleasure.


(we are working on a prototype weapon that shoots Justice! all over the face of the unsuspecting terrorist)

A Postwar Plan for Iraq

The complaint I hear most often is that I never had a postwar plan for Iraq. Well I’ve always had a plan for Iraq, but to be completely honest, it was lost until just recently. You know, it’s always in the last place you’d ever look, in this case – sitting on my desk; conveniently used as a coaster. This image is not the original, but was transcribed from the napkin onto an aerial photograph of Baghdad to give it that extra touch of professionalism that the White House so often lacks.

So here it is; the post war Iraq plan…


(arrows indicate where things go)

Axis of Evil

How come the Axis of Evil has more countries than the Coalition of the Willing? What's with that?


(Coalition of the Willing - and just look how willing!)


(Axis of Evil - I couldn't find a nasty looking picture of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, that guy's always waving!)

C.O.W. - USA, UK, Poland, Italy and Australia
Axis of Evil - Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Tony Danza, Libya, Syria and Cuba

I'm seriously going to have to take one of those countries off the Axis altogether just to even things out. And whatever happened to "you're either with us or against us." According to my list, Germany is teetering dangerously close to being against our involvement in Iraq, and if they aren't on our side soon, they're going to be against us very soon.

This is a war on terror, people! We need to all work together! Iraq is a hotbed of terrorist activity! We had to kill 200 terrorists on the streets of Fallujah just yesterday!

Hell, half of America isn’t even with us, and that makes them against us, which makes them on the Axis of Evil. That’s it, I’m updating this list…

Washington, Oregon, California, New Mexico, Iowa, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Vermont, New York, New jersey, Delaware, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maine, Hawaii, and Rhode Island; you've just been added to the Axis of Evil. I hope you're happy.

Workin’ My Air Guitar to: Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen

Damn this song is awesome, makes me want to pump billions back into our aging space program! Well, billions more that is.

Slept in today, woke up at around 3 and realized I’d missed all my meetings. Welp, nothing I can do now. I love it how nobody ever asks me to explain where I’ve been. It’s like they all assume I’m completely infallible (which I practically am), and then everyone else tries to cover for me just to maintain that infallible image to justify the fact they supported someone who was wrong. But sometimes I wished they’d just talk to me, ya know? Like this whole Texas Air National Guard thing, accusations, accusations, accusations! Has anyone even asked me if I showed up for duty?! No! They always ask my press secretaries or my campaign headquarters. Hello, I have a phone! Write me a letter! Shoot me an email for Christ’s sake, but don’t go around making assumptions. If Dan Rather really wanted me to admit I didn’t show up for duty and that I only completed 300 of my 500 flight hours to satisfy my combat equivalency, he could have just asked. Hell, most of those records are public anyway; he could have read a book.

Now am I saying I want to be persecuted for all the crap I pulled while I was supposed to be in Vietnam – No! But when Clinton was President he got to do all sorts of Press meetings, and answer all sorts of questions, and he got the chance to lie and/or admit guilt publicly, a right which I have been denied! Now I know what all of those poor tortured prisoners in Iraq feel like. The ones under Saddam’s reign, not mine.

On the plus side, all this lying people do for me means less public speaking – always a plus. Well it’s almost bed time, better run down and hit up the masseuse before she heads home for the night.

Don’t stop me don’t stop me
Don’t stop me hey hey hey!
Don’t stop me don’t stop me ooh ooh ooh (I like it)
Don’t stop me don’t stop me
Have a good time good time
Don’t stop me don’t stop me ah!

I’m a rocket ship on my way to mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite I’m out of control
I am a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to
Oh oh oh oh oh explode

I’m burning through the sky yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That’s why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit
I’m trav’ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman of you

-Queen

Did you know?

The President of the United States has the power to launch Nuclear weapons without prior approval from congress? And to think, I wasted all that time convincing them to let me go to Iraq when I coulda just brought freedom and Democracy to them the quick way. At least I feel a little more comfortable knowing that I'm the only one who can launch those weapons, and not some irrational, ignorant, unpredictable, belligerent whack job from Hicktown, USA. Well, what's done is done, I'll just take this lesson and learn from it for next time. *Wink!*


(Iran, South Korea, France; I'm looking at you!)

The Debates...

Well. That went fairly well I think. Yeah, not too bad. Not the best. No. It could have been better. Ok, let’s be fair here; sure, I wasn’t on my game, in the zone, whatever, but I’ve got like 3 more debates anyway.

I did get one good point in; the blunt end of my glass of water.



Sonofabitch almost dodged that one too...

He’s a quick one that Kerry, you gotta give him that. Nonetheless I will stay the course, defeat the evildoers, bring freedom to Iraq with an Iron Fist if I have to (even if I have to kill every last Iraqi), honor the veterans, secure the homeland, September 11th, establish justice, promote the blessings of liberty, it’s a tough job we all know that, it’s gonna be tough, September 11th, Saddam Hussein was a bad man, the world is a safer place, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare an-n-n-d September 11th, September 11th and September 11th.

Son of a bitch! I mean come on! No one told me the damn debates were going to improvised let alone televised.

That John Adams was full of shit.

Reagan's Dream

If any of you have been watching the news lately, you know what kind of shit storm I’m in. They got a hold of this picture…



Now a lot of agencies are saying that I have been faking the entire Iraq war with special effects and stock footage of soldiers walking around and shooting at stuff. I guarantee you, the Iraq war is real! I swear I’m not lying this time. Yes, the whole “Why we went into the war” was bullshit, but the war itself is real. As for the dewback and storm trooper in the background, well they’re fake. I captured Lucas and before I was about to execute him, he pleaded for his life and convinced me that the Iraq war was missing something, a certain je ne se qua if you will. He argued that what the war needed was some new heroes; storm troopers! Needless to say, he sold me on the idea (don't worry, I still executed him).

I even get my very own black cape and death star in the deal, through which I will vicariously complete Reagan’s lifelong dream, albeit posthumously. He would have wanted it this way.

Speaking of which, I think this is the weekend we can finally raise the flags back to full mast. Reagan would have wanted us to have moved on by this time. Ya know I half expected him to resurrect three days later and take his seat at the right hand of the father, but life can’t always be like in the movies.