Wednesday, December 22, 2004

The W stands for Walker

Most American’s believe I am sent by God to run this country, but did you know I also speak to him? In fact the other day I was given a prophesy from our Lord and Savoir while masturbating on the can. A loud knock rapped my bathroom door and the Lord saideth unto me – “Bush, quit jerkin’ off with those nudie mags, I need to use the john after you.”

Our Lord was correct; masturbating with nudie mags was a sin of the past. That’s when it hit me – what gives American men hardons more than anything? Once upon a time it might have been Janet Jackson’s right boob, but in today’s modern world men don’t want to see breasts, vaginas, long legs or fallopian tubes, they want to see tanks and assault rifles shooting at other people, and perhaps, even killing them.

Remember when Pat Tillman died, and American men walked around with erections for like a whole week? That was super. Everyone was patriotic for like a whole month, and I realized, that’s what we need again. So in order to boost patriotism and erections, I’ve arranged for Chuck Norris’s bullet riddled body to appear on all the news stations next week.

Together we’ll all mourn the loss of this great hero, and fathers will sit down with sons and regale them with tales of when Walker Texas Ranger stopped an entire bus packed full of Mexican drug dealers aided only by his culturally diverse squad of Texas Rangers. If that doesn’t give you a hardon, then you’re probably a liberal with a fetish for naked women, and you should move to a coastal city where the other perverts live.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Why I hate my family...

My parents make it a point of bringing up the one officially evil thing I've ever done in my life. Ok, yes Mom and Dad - I got drunk and stole a Christmas tree. Yes it was wrong. Yes it was even a little bit evil, but I haven't done it since! It was the Winter of 1966, I was at Yale drinking too much Jaggie with the ol' college chums when I mentioned it would be hilarious/cheaper to steal an already decorated Christmas tree from someone's house instead of purchasing one at the local Christmas tree lot (still not the worst thing I've ever done...). Ever since then, Dad sends out the family Christmas card with this police sketch-artist's rendering which eventually lead to my arrest (See Photo)...

My Dad also never forgets to send the police description of me along with the Christmas Card, "Caucasian male - dark green skin, brown eyes, 5'11", medium build. Suspect George Walker Bush wanted for disorderly conduct, theft of a Christmas tree and public urination near the cities of New Haven and Whoville, Connecticut."

To be fair, I was only arrested for disorderly conduct, and the charges were eventually dropped. Nowadays when I want something illegal done, I just send the FBI to go do it for me. They balked the last time I asked them to steal a tree though...

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Time's Man of the Year

I'm a God - make that, the God!!

I'm now one of a very exclusive list of men who have been Time's Man of the Year twice, including great war leaders like Lyndon B. Johnson, Richard M. Nixon and Joseph Q. Stalin! As you might remember, all three men led our country as we struggled through the successful Vietnam Conflict, which makes me the first Man of the Year to struggle through my own! The greatest pride, however, is knowing that because of me future Presidents will be provided the chance to struggle through Iraq and join us on the great list of two timing Men of the Year. So Arnold, in advance - you're welcome.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Osama's new album goes platinum!

That's right. Osama released another audio tape this week, and this time he insulted the Saudi Royal family, a wonderful group of individuals who I at least consider allies in our war on terror. Now I'm starting to think he's doing this intentionally to piss me off, he's pressing my buttons because he knows it aggravates me. He thinks he can get away with making me look like a bumbling idiot who has thrice failed to capture him - good sir, you have gone too far by insulting my intelligence and capabilities! Just for that I won't rest until I do capture him... and the real killers of OJ Simpson's wife. Sure, I'll take time off for holidays and sick days, and the occasional personal day, but even OJ finds time to go golfing while he's fast on the trail of the real killers. OJ and I are a lone breed; relentless in our pursuits of bringing justice to innocent victims - we are true American heroes.

You may say OJ is taking his sweet time to find the real killers (to be fair, it has only been 3 or 4 years now and justice takes time), and some even say OJ is the real killer - but making accusations and slandering his good name bring him no closer to justice - delivering justice, that is. So for the victim's families' sake, don't blame him for anything he does because it only distracts the man from his one true, yet elusive goal of tracking down the evil doers. I await the glorious day when he graces the silver screen once again with his phenomenal comic timing, and life in America can return to normal.

As for my white whale - be patient, Osama will die one of these days. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, and maybe not even 30 years from now, but studies show men have a 1 in 6 chance of developing prostate cancer sometime in their life, and that ain't bad! Unless of course he pulls a Fidel Castro and outlives all his enemies, then I'd feel stupid for letting him go when I did.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Adam and the Beave - Not in MY neighborhood

Ehem people, has anybody read the amendments to the Constitution? Article IX (Roman numeral for Rocky 9) states, “The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.”

By allowing homosexuals the right to get married, the liberals infringe upon my right for them not to get married.

All we have to do is prove that homosexuals either hurt me physically or take away my rights by getting married. Easy –

They hurt my Christian sensibility, and they do irreparable damage to immature minds. Imagine children thinking about two lesbians doing it in their dorm rooms! They should not be exposed to such graphic images, and the only way to counter-act those images is by depicting manly heterosexual images… of war! Blood, violence, detached limbs etc.; Kid tested, mother approved.

My whole point is that people should not have to think about a man putting his *expletive deleted* in another man’s *expletive deleted*. Good old fashion sex - the way God likes it – is only when the man puts his *expletive deleted* in a woman’s *expletive deleted*, and only in her *expletive deleted*… unless the sex isn’t great and the couple agrees to experiment, then, and only then is it ok for a man to put his *expletive deleted* in the female’s *expletive deleted*, but to reiterate, never in the man’s *expletive deleted*. Also, oral sex is totally not cool with God, sorry ladies. Lesbians and straight women are just going to have to learn to get along without foreplay.

Just remember; God’s a perv, and he only likes straight porn.

(In the original story of Adam and Eve, Adam was delivering a pizza.)

Mood - Gassy

I lost my wallet, has anyone seen it? It's got like 18 bucks in it, no big deal, but I had some personal things in there I need back. credit cards, drivers license, some family pics, a trojan, and a security badge. Those last two are key... The badge kinda gets me into the Pentagon, the White House, and The Ministry of Love among other places.

(This is a picture of my wallet, it says Bad Mother... Oh my lord, I got scammed! Sheisty street vendors...)

If you have it, please mail to the guy who takes care of all my junk:
O'Brien - Room 101
1600 Pennsylvannia Avenue NW
Washington D.C., 20500

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Mood - Belligerent

You know what I hate? People who pawn off an experience/wisdom as intelligence. I had some guy tell me the other day that because I hadn’t fought in any wars, I had no right to have an opinion about war. Woopty-friggin’-doo mister; you killed in combat, I didn’t, what do you want? A friggin’ medal (besides the one you got for combat injuries)?

Since when has the only qualifier for intelligent global-political decisions been combat history? Just because you ran around other parts of the world killing our enemies doesn’t mean your opinions are somehow more intelligent – your opinions are just more personal. Personal experience does not equate to intelligence.

Does that mean women can’t have opinions about war because we exclude them from the front lines? Haha, trick question – women’s opinions aren’t worth anything anyway.

The point is if you go around flaunting your war experience as your only evidence for an argument, you’re an idiot.

Besides, I was in the Texas Air National Guard – and you people don’t know squat about protecting airspace. I rest my case. Feel free to debate these points… but only if you were in the Air National Guard.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Mood - Apathetic

As most of you probably already know, Ukraine is having their own little election fraud situation, igniting panic and insecurity around the country. There are also rumors Ukrainian presidential candidate Viktor Yushchenko was poisoned - and if you haven't seen already, the pictures are quite gruesome.

(Before and after poisoning)

Now certain news organizations are coming forward claiming that the American government was behind the alleged poisoning. Let me make myself absolutely clear, for the record - I never said I wanted Viktor Yushchenko poisoned. I said I wanted Viktor Yushchenko killed. The difference - Viktor Yushchenko would look less like Mr. Yuck and more like a dead man, thereby ruining his chances at winning the election. You see, there is no way on earth a dead man could ever beat out a non dead man in an election (except for when Ashcroft lost to that dead guy, but admittedly the dead man had an excellent budget reform plan).

We went with our usual hitman; Ex-cop from Chicago turned vigilante killer. But for some reason he didn't come through this time. I'm somewhat disappointed in our man's choice of lethal options. Bomb, knife, gun, why he chose drugs I'll never know -

(surveillance photo of our man on the job - he's the one in the trench coat on the left)

Friday, December 03, 2004


Knock "Meetin' the Who's the Boss Guy" off of my "To Do Before I Die" list!

(I'm on the left next to some nobody - Tony Danza is the one with the huge head)

This is so cool I met him at a time when a space is opening up in the Department of Homeland Security! Tony will bring some much needed diversity to our team - the only other washed up daytime TV star in my cabinet is Dustin Diamond as the Secretary of Agriculture.

The list Shortens everyday I'm President!
"To Do Before I Die":

Meet the "Who's the Boss" Guy
Capture Osama Bin Laden
Capture Saddam
Mud wrestle with Saddam
Pet a Giraffe
Kill a Giraffe
Pet a midget
Kill a midget
Pickup Laundry (Bring your ticket!!)
Solve energy crisis
Hate a gay
Unite (Don't divide!!)
Fix a cock fight (small dog disguised as cock!!)
Punch the guy who played "Webster"
Punch the guy who played "Corky" on Life Goes On
Write the great American novel