Wednesday, December 22, 2004

The W stands for Walker

Most American’s believe I am sent by God to run this country, but did you know I also speak to him? In fact the other day I was given a prophesy from our Lord and Savoir while masturbating on the can. A loud knock rapped my bathroom door and the Lord saideth unto me – “Bush, quit jerkin’ off with those nudie mags, I need to use the john after you.”

Our Lord was correct; masturbating with nudie mags was a sin of the past. That’s when it hit me – what gives American men hardons more than anything? Once upon a time it might have been Janet Jackson’s right boob, but in today’s modern world men don’t want to see breasts, vaginas, long legs or fallopian tubes, they want to see tanks and assault rifles shooting at other people, and perhaps, even killing them.

Remember when Pat Tillman died, and American men walked around with erections for like a whole week? That was super. Everyone was patriotic for like a whole month, and I realized, that’s what we need again. So in order to boost patriotism and erections, I’ve arranged for Chuck Norris’s bullet riddled body to appear on all the news stations next week.



Together we’ll all mourn the loss of this great hero, and fathers will sit down with sons and regale them with tales of when Walker Texas Ranger stopped an entire bus packed full of Mexican drug dealers aided only by his culturally diverse squad of Texas Rangers. If that doesn’t give you a hardon, then you’re probably a liberal with a fetish for naked women, and you should move to a coastal city where the other perverts live.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Outrageous, How dare he say such blasphemy. I've got to do something.

Anonymous said...

But there's nothing you can do.

Anonymous said...

Well then, I guess I'll just have to develop a sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

I'm afraid you are wrong on this one, W. There is no way
in hell that Walker Texas Ranger could be stopped by just those wounds alone; not the man that has been known
to roundhouse kick R.P.Gs right out of the air.

Anonymous said...

and who could forget his tour de force, sidekicks, with that kid from ladybugs.

Anonymous said...

amen, he will be missed.

Anonymous said...

He will...?

Anonymous said...

"There is no way in hell that Walker Texas Ranger could be stopped by just those wounds"

Yea.. don't you remember how Brandon Lee caught the bullet in his teeth in "Rapid Fire"? Bullets don't stop those karate guys.. only regular people like Pat Tillman. :(

cmdrslappy said...

i just peed on myself from all the laughing. i'm gonna go wash up now.

rachel said...

Mr President,
Do you have any comments to make about the following photo shoot.

http://chicago.indymedia.org/media/all/display/13318/index.php

Anonymous said...

dude i love wackin off to ####, it rox

Anonymous said...

Didn't Brandon Lee die while filming "the Crow"?

Anonymous said...

Chicago, ILLINOIS?! Wasn't that a "red state?" Didn't the Bushes and Clinton appear somewhere?

Al said...

Ironically Brandon Lee died from a bullet, looks like he didnt catch that one with his teeth, just his face.