Jimmy Hoffa Found, Reunited with Family

I wake up in the morning, flip it to Fox News and am immediately barraged with a sea of bad news and slanderous opinions typical of the liberal media at that station. They’re always on my back about our intelligence capabilities. Sure, Fox News has never publicly denounced any of our wiretapping or phone trolling operations, and sure, they’ve even gone so far as to defend it as a necessary evil in our nation… but they chose to report it when they could have just looked the other way. Homocommiejizzbags.

But finally! The pinko queers in charge of the liberal media at FOX have finally begun reporting on something our intelligence community actually did right!

Now the FBI hasn’t divulged all the facts yet, and I don’t want to be premature here… but I feel like a teen again, with my hand down the panties of America and I can’t stop myself from secreting the trut… OOHHH GOD! WE FOUND HIM! WE FOUND JIMMY HOFFA! Ohhh lord, does anybody have a Kleenex?

Yes, 31 years after his disappearance, the FBI got to the bottom of Jimmy Hoffa’s case. Well, not officially, but he is as good as found. Watch out Mr. Number 1 on the FBI’s most wanted… we’re starting from the bottom and working our way up the list to crack all those unsolved crimes. Who is number 1 on that list anyway? Is it still MLK?

(Now that the riddle of Hoffa�s body has been solved, the FBI is seeking information on the where-abouts of members of the Showaddywaddy gang in attempts to finally uncover who put the bop in the bop-sh-bop-sh-bop. Have you ever seen a more suspicious looking group? My bet is we�ll have the black guy in prison in less than 24 hours.)

Pssh, they don't have feelings anyway...

Well if you watch any of those liberal news stations like CNN or FOX you know what kind of shit storm I should be in, but this time around I have the will of the people, so it doesn't really matter what I do or say. That guy deserved it! I know he was supposedly "unarmed," and apparently "wounded," but those are just words - crazy ideals! They aren't tangible like Freedom, Liberty and Democracy. In the long run, that guy will be thankful we went in there and liberated him from Saddam. Hell, Saddam might have used bullets instead of freedom liberty and democracy, and that would have really hurt. So people of Iraq, there is no need to thank me, it was my pleasure.


(we are working on a prototype weapon that shoots Justice! all over the face of the unsuspecting terrorist)

Liberal Media

When I get re-elected my first job will be to get rid of all these darn liberal media folks. First of all, the liberals are unpatriotic and anti-war which pretty much means they want another country to invade America and take us over because they don't like America and they want it to end. Second of all, the so called "Fair and Balanced Coverage" is hardly fair or balanced. Those darn liberals at Fox are constantly talking bad about me. I was watching the other day and Bill O'Reilly "reported" that I should take a firmer stand in the middle east and take out Iran because their citizens hate American principles too. Please Bill, like a pussy Democrat would do a better job at killing Arabs? Besides, Iran is on my TO DO list, and I thought of invading them way before Bill O'freaking-Reilly ever did. In fact, I'm planning to invade all of them, but the liberals down at Fox would love to see me fail. All they talk about is finishing the job in Iraq this and sending more troops to Iraq that.

Remember when I landed on the carrier, how cool that was? I was gonna take the troops out that week and call it quits, but noooooo! The liberals at Fox kept pointing out to the American people how screwed up it is - and so I had to keep more troops in, and soon I'm gonna end up sending more just to protect the ones that are already there.

If I keep all our troops in Iraq, how are we going to turn the rest of the middle east into a democracy?

That's another thing. If the Iraqi's aren't willing to die for freedom and democracy, why should we? Why didn't they do the job of getting Saddam out themselves if they hated it so bad? Why? Because they're a bunch of liberal pussies.

It's almost a good thing the liberals are such pussies cause I know they will never try to start a war to get me out of office. I could take a crap on the American flag and all they would say is, "he has the right to do whatever he wants." Ah hell no I don't! If I was President I would throw me in one of our secret prisons for doing that! We don't have the right to do whatever we feel like, cause if we did, things would just go crazy and everyone would go around enjoying themselves too much.

The only real reason the Democrats wouldn't invade the middle east is cause they're afraid of getting too much sand in their vaginas. That and the American people didn't really wanna go there either, but as I always say, WWGD. What Would George Do. Whatever I feel like.

Don't mess with Texas.