Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Where's the Berlin Wall when you need it?

The Mexican government has been distributing pamphlets to all Mexican citizens who request them, which detail information on how to survive illegally crossing the US border. Can you believe the arrogance of those self righteous bastards? The Mexican government claims the pamphlets are only provided to curb the large number of deaths each year which can be accounted to border crossings, but we all know that the Mexican government is only interested in one thing… getting Mexicans out of their country. Hell, I don’t blame ‘em, so I’ve created a little pamphlet of my own, chock full of false information and neat little tricks sure to confuse, and/or, kill Mexicans crossing the border.

This gets me pissed off, because when my great, great grandfather illegally crossed the US border in the 1800s, he was white, and the bastards crossing our border now are clearly brown. Have they no respect… *shakes head indignantly*

“Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…” no where in our beautiful iconoclastic motto do I see the words, “and your spics, we take spics too.”

The Statue of Liberty is a symbol of freedom and hope to industrious white workers who came from Europe, not those dirty border hoppers who will work for below minimum wage… don’t they realize they are ruining our economy by taking such a severe pay cut!? Did they stop and think to themselves just once, “Hey, I might be earning barely enough to feed my family, but I’m also taking precious jobs away from the white trash of Texas who couldn’t afford to go to public school?” Fore shame! All those illegal immigrants can think about is themselves, and their families, and freedom. Disgusting.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Natural Gas Found on Saturn's Moon Titan

CNN reported that “scientists” have discovered Saturn’s moon Titan to be covered in Natural Gas… you know what that means. I’ve declared Saturn’s moon a threat to national security, placed it on the axis of evil and have begun preparations for a pre-emptive strike. Of course this is all just a precaution. We don’t know if the moon is actually harboring terrorists, or if it is just planning to build weapons of mass destruction – at this point we can only guess, but hell, that’s all we really need to do anyway, so prepare for Operation Titanium Freedom.

I’ve already sent the U.S.S. Destroyer to Saturn before we press the United Nations this week for invasion approval, which of course they will deny, and which of course we will ignore.

(we went ahead and pre-emptively retro-fitted the U.S.S. Destroyer with a Mission Accomplished banner, just to speed up the process)

Advisors and “scientists” keep insisting that Titan’s moon is uninhabitable, and an invasion would just result in massive casualties… goes to show what “scientists” know… The Middle East is damned near as uninhabitable as Saturn’s moon, but we invaded anyway and have only suffered heavy casualties… hardly massive.

To be honest, my only concern is that if the planet Saturn is half as diverse as the Saturn commercials, we’re in for a hell of a hard time singling out people based on the color their skin… but we’ll find away, we’re America, we always find a way.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Accountability, People!

So Rummy, Colin and I were out on the town this weekend getting our pre-funk on in preparation for the big blowout inaugural ball, when Rummy tells me we have to go check out a wicked party up on D Street. Well I’ve heard about D Street, and I just knew that this was going to be a major let down, but Rummy promised me there was going to be booze and women at that party. In his own words he said, “We know for a fact there are going to be hella bitches up there,” and on several occasions went so far as to claim, “I have no doubt we’re going to find big stores of malt liquor in his pantry.”

Lies. Every word of it was lies.

I can’t even begin to describe my disappointment with his lack of judgment. He flat out looked me in the eyes and told me there was going to be brew and bitches, and we spent all night up on D Street looking for that damn party. He continued to backpedal the entire time, too, until just about sunrise when he finally admitted the rumors he’d heard about the party might have been false. I don’t know if I can trust him ever again, to be honest.

I was spose to get tore up this weekend, too. I wonder how he sleeps at night.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Well, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is quickly approaching, and you all know what that means - the big mattress/furniture sales will be out in full force on Monday. And really, what better way is there to celebrate the life of a great leader than to dedicate an entire day worth of mattress sales in his name? I'm sure MLK is looking down from heaven right now with pride while the Big Guy goes on and on about how glad he is that one of his foot soldiers in righteousness has made such a reputable name for himself, and such low, low prices on all clearance items at the East St. Louis Furniture Emporium. God Bless you Martin Luther King, Jr., and God bless the United States of Spend Everything You Earn on Furniture for Your Apartment.

For more information on all the great mattress sales, visit -
It's worth checking out, if not for the message, than for the mattresses.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

2005 is going to suck

Ah, horse shit.

Only 12 days into the new year and I've already broken my New Year's resolution.

2005 is going to be a long year....

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Mood - Sulky

Remember in the first Ocean's 11 (the good Ocean's 11) when you thought everything was going great and according to plan and the world seemed right, then you found out everything was getting screwed up and the plan was crumbling apart, only to realize at the end of the film that that had been the plan all along and that nothing was ever getting screwed up, and the world was right again? Well that is what my life has felt like lately, except for that last part where everything goes right.

I need a hug.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Qatar - Pronounced "Dickless"

The Indian Ocean takes all the fun out of my unanimous election victory. I offered 35 million dollars in relief funds - almost as much as my entire inauguration party is going to cost - and the unprepared pricks called me stingy (it is going to be a huge party too; it'll be in a skating rink with cake and pinatas and even a small basketball hoop made out of gold). But I didn't cave into claims America was being cheap, I just didn't want to donate less than those bastards from Qatar. Who do they think they are? They're making us look bad. Mental note; bomb Qatar.

So I wrote out our 350 million dollar donation on the biggest damn check you've ever seen. It really got me in the giving mood, well not so much in the mood, but I wound up handing out oversized check after oversized check to all these different charities because Rumsfeld says it makes me look good... I think he's right too - plus it's a lot of fun. So I've decided to handle all of my purchases with oversized checks from now on. A gallon of milk might not cost a lot, but when you pay for it with a check the size of a small man... well it just makes you feel big.

(I bought an oversized hat with an oversized check! The novelty of it all makes me pee my pants just a little bit.)