Ethics in the White House

I sent out a memo this Friday to everyone at the White House instructing them to attend Ethics Classes in light of the recent high-level indictments at the White House, and I made it very clear in the memo there will be, “No exceptions.” Well, except for me. And Laura. And my dog Barney. That’d just be ridiculous (yet adorable)! Can you imagine! A dog, taking ethics classes! Ha! Adorable!

On a totally unrelated note, can anybody give me an example of irony? I've got this bet with this friend and we're trying to come up with the most ironic thing we can possibly think of, so if anybody stumbles upon an ironic situation or news event, please forward it along to me.

xoxo,
The President

The Way Stupid Americans Make-a-Me Feel

What does the Michael Jackson court case prove?

That no matter how evil you are, and no matter how much evidence there is to prove you wrong, the American people will always take sides with the man with money, as long as you’ve won the hearts and minds of the retarded half of America. That’s right, I said it. There are two kinds of Americans; the stupid American who relies on “good feelings,” flashy presentations and high hopes vs. the logical American who relies on evidence, reasoning and common sense. You know who controls America right now? The stupid Americans – at least that’s how I feel after watching the results of such a horrendous train wreck.

Now I’m not about to say I have any idea what goes on in a “Court Case,” but one thing I do know is that there are millions of Americans who saw and heard Michael Jackson say that it is appropriate for young children to sleep with a 45 year old man accused of child molestation, and there are millions of Americans who came out and supported Michael Jackson beat a cancer patient in a criminal trial.

Do Americans care anymore? They see, hear and comprehend one truth, and react an entirely different way. Do you know how easy it would be for me as President if Americans saw the kind of shit I did, heard the kind of shit I said, comprehended the kind of shit I pulled – then voted on gut instinct anyway?! My approval rating would be through the freakin’ roof - maybe as high as 52 or 53 percent! I could drop a deuce on Mother Theresa’s freaking tombstone, call it a freedom nugget, then sit back and watch as everyone defended my good honor! If only all Americans were that stupid all the time.

On a side note, Jackson is innocent. Maybe he slept with those boys, or maybe he just slept with those boys. Either way, it’s better that ten guilty persons escape than that one innocent suffer, as William Blackstone said - and I’ll stand by that.

But come on, innocent or not, would you let your kids sleep with that guy? Well I wouldn't, but I don't have a choice because my daughters are a couple of sluts. Laura hates it when I call them that, but how will they ever learn without constant verbal reinforcement?

Send Food!

I’m so hungry right now - I would eat a cow if it walked into the oval office, died, was ground into small portions, cooked, and then placed between two buns. I’ve basically been on my own since Laura went out of town, and let me just tell you the state of the Union is hungry. Who would have guessed that placing top ramen into a bowl of water and heating in the microwave was so damn complicated? Those Chinese are cleverer than they look. I’m sorry, that was offensive. Those Chinese-Americans are cleverer than they look.

(A breakdown of what I've resorted to eating since Laura left.)

I am sooo grounded...

Ah Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ! My mom found out I have a weblog, and she read it, and now my life is practically over. Mom found the site somehow and read the part about Laura being on the rag, and how I get erections while thinking about Condi at meetings and now she's in the hospital with symptoms of a stroke. Now my mind is racing to figure out if I wrote anything about doing coke, or whores.

As embarrassing as this is, it's not as embarrassing as the time she caught me masturbating in the Lincoln bedroom during Dad's presidency. In my rush to cover up I grabbed an original copy of the Emancipation Proclamation and used it as cleanup; I have to hear about that every Juneteenth, let me tell you.

Speaking of embarrassing, check out this...

(to be fair, I added the vote for Bush part, with the American flag)

Kerry tried catching a baby and inadvertently showed the world he couldn't catch, thus substantiating my entitlement to the thrown. Some people say that to be President of the United States, one needs to know the names of foreign leaders, the names of key foreign countries or the names of all 50 states. Well I might not be able to do all that, but I sure as hell can catch a friggin' baby if thrown at me, which in my opinion is as, if not more important.

Mood: Mellow

I’ve been meaning to talk to her about this recently, but Condi’s got an unusually nappy kitchen. I don’t know if she’s just ignoring it like she doesn’t care, or if she just doesn’t realize it, but I get so distracted! I swear one of these days I’m just going to sneak up on her and shave it.

Other than that, I pretty much always get an erection when Condi starts talking. It’s something about her being so powerful that just turns me on. Don’t tell me none of you think power is sexy… cause it is. I want to do her while she launches nuclear missiles at other countries.

I don’t have these fantasies because I don’t love Laura, it is just that those meetings get so damn boring; I have to think about something. When things get heavy, my mind starts wondering and dick takes over. Hehe, I just thought of something funny to myself.

Today I purchased my very first slave...

Joining in the tradition of a dozen of my fellow US Presidents, I too am now a slave owner! I purchased my African from this website: http://www.worldvision.org/



My slave’s name is Denis, and he lives in Uganda.

This was actually Laura’s idea (and I thought she was against slavery!), she came to me and asked if I wanted to sponsor one, and at first I was a little hesitant, but once I saw the picture, I knew he would be a strong worker. Slavery is illegal in the States, but if you keep the child working in Africa, the World Vision people send us a check. At least that is how I suppose this arrangement works out; I leave that stuff up to Laura.

For just $30 a month, Laura and I sponsor this slave. Now $30 dollars might seem like a lot, but I estimate that if he works 12 hours a day for us, at a minimum wage of, let’s say $5, he would make us… $1,800 a month which equals… $21,600 a year! We only have to fork out $360 a year and in return we get this huge payoff!

Plus, you get the added bonus of knowing you’re helping someone else; that is priceless. I highly recommend sponsoring a child, the payout is awesome!

Election Day: T-minus tomorrow!

Tomorrow's the big day! I've got a new suit all picked out, and I'm going to wear a cowboy hat, and then I'm going to take the whole gang out to Red Robin's to celebrate! Oh lord I'll be happy when this is over. I couldn't sleep all last night because I was so giddy. To make this whole week worse, Laura's been on the rag which is not helping my anxiety. I talked to Tommy T. to see if he could recommend any pills I could slip into her drink to make her less cranky, but he told me that Laura has already gone through menopause and that she can't menstruate anymore. He thinks that because he's the secretary of health and human services he's soooo smart, so you know what I told him, "You try living with her then!" Zing! He's gonna think twice about offering up fake advice after a scorching comeback like that one.

Mood: Hopeful, a lil' irritated, excited, gassy, happy and glad

Question of the Day: Do puppies go to heaven?

Well we all know that full grown dogs go to heaven, but do puppies who are too young to have made the choice between good and evil go to heaven? What about dogs who have been put down, according to the bible I don't think those dogs would get in... Also, is puppy abortion moral? What if the puppy is retarded, or not as cute as most puppies - is it ok then?

I bring it up because Barney had puppies with a mut out of wedlock and Laura thought we should put down the puppies. Now I'm all for abortion, despite what my official stance is. Hell, according to my official stance I'm pro women's rights, but come on. If it weren't for abortion, Laura and I wouldn't have been able to force Jenna to stop herself from making a huge mistake last summer.

So, do those puppies I had the secret service run over with a truck go to heaven? Or do they just rot in the dumpster behind the Treasury? I'd like to think they go to heaven, but my beliefs tell me they don't. What a shame. Sometimes I wish I weren't tied down to believing one thing absolutely and unequivocally (Greenspan taught me that word!), sometimes I wish I was able to make up my own opinion, but then again, at least this way I don't have to worry about thinking it up.