Jimmy Hoffa Found, Reunited with Family

I wake up in the morning, flip it to Fox News and am immediately barraged with a sea of bad news and slanderous opinions typical of the liberal media at that station. They’re always on my back about our intelligence capabilities. Sure, Fox News has never publicly denounced any of our wiretapping or phone trolling operations, and sure, they’ve even gone so far as to defend it as a necessary evil in our nation… but they chose to report it when they could have just looked the other way. Homocommiejizzbags.

But finally! The pinko queers in charge of the liberal media at FOX have finally begun reporting on something our intelligence community actually did right!

Now the FBI hasn’t divulged all the facts yet, and I don’t want to be premature here… but I feel like a teen again, with my hand down the panties of America and I can’t stop myself from secreting the trut… OOHHH GOD! WE FOUND HIM! WE FOUND JIMMY HOFFA! Ohhh lord, does anybody have a Kleenex?

Yes, 31 years after his disappearance, the FBI got to the bottom of Jimmy Hoffa’s case. Well, not officially, but he is as good as found. Watch out Mr. Number 1 on the FBI’s most wanted… we’re starting from the bottom and working our way up the list to crack all those unsolved crimes. Who is number 1 on that list anyway? Is it still MLK?

(Now that the riddle of Hoffa�s body has been solved, the FBI is seeking information on the where-abouts of members of the Showaddywaddy gang in attempts to finally uncover who put the bop in the bop-sh-bop-sh-bop. Have you ever seen a more suspicious looking group? My bet is we�ll have the black guy in prison in less than 24 hours.)

Land of the Free and Home of the Afraid of Everything

I believe it was the late great Richard Nixon who said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Well that’s bullshit. Here is a list of things the government thinks you should be afraid of:

Iraqis
Terrorism
Homosexuals
Immigrants
Losing shit job to illegal immigrants
Other Americans
Zombie Jesus
Taxes
Terrorists
Intellectuals
Terrorists posing as intellectuals
New Yorkers
Coloreds
God’s Wrath
Terror
Zombie aborted fetuses
Rock and/or Roll
Rap
Gangs, but not guns
The sex out of wedlock
Tainted moral fiber
SAN FRANCISCO

Some say the Republican Party has turned America into a bunch of whimpering paranoid pussies, but I like to think we’ve made the American people more aware of the unheard of dangers that lurk in every single shado - LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! Hehe, just keeping you on your toes. Remember this country is not, and never has been safe from anything ever. Don’t let the democrats convince you that you shouldn’t be afraid, because if you aren’t, the - OH MY GOD YOU’RE GOING TO DIE! Scared yet?

Are you offended yet?

You know who I hate? The army reservists. They bitch even more than women! In some cases they are women! And just for that, I have decided to cut their budget. Why would I do that? Cause I’m a dick? No. Because I can, and to teach them a lesson.

“But we don’t have enough money to begin with!”

Well cry me a river girly girls. You should have signed up for the military because you love your country, not for the pay. Wait, you do love your country right?

“Oooh, but I’ve been in Iraq for more than a year.”

I don’t want to hear it, if I did, I would hold frank and honest discussions with key members of the military, but I don’t cause that’s how I roll. For instance, the other day the Pentagon tried to tell me that troop levels were dangerously low and that the army was at risk of having a “broke back." You know what I said? I told em straight.

“Screw you queers! I don’t want anything to do with homosexual cowboys in the military no matter how low troop levels get!”

Which brings me to another point… what’s with the 82nd airborne? Did you hear about how they posed for nude pictures on a gay website? I tell ya, I lost all respect for them right there. Sure, they risk their lives in battle conditions I’ve never witnessed and done braver things than all the straight guys I know, but come on. Sex in the butt is only for wimps. Real men have sex in another hole, because it is manly. Thank God I have the manly courage to stand up and discredit them in front of the whole nation, then give them a dishonorable discharge.

Annnnnd another thing! Did you hear about how Washington State passed a law that says you can’t discriminate against homosexuals in the work place? Does that mean the army has to stop discriminating against Washington troops too? I don’t think it is fair to hold the government to the same strict guidelines that, for instance, the good workers at Starbucks are held too. A barista there can make upwards of 8.25 an hour (minimum wage)! The government would be out of business if we paid our social workers or teachers that kind of dough!

To conclude, the only ones to blame for poor results in Iraq are the troops, and not the brave souls who planned the invasion. Plus, with the extra money I’ll save from cutting troop funding, I’ll be able to partially pay for the reinforcement of security at the White House in preparation for the Easter Egg Roll which the homosexuals plan on crashing.


(this is what the White House Easter Egg Roll would look like if we let the queers from the 82nd airborne and their families participate)

The Moral Game!

Do your morals fall in line with those of the Republican Party? If you said “Maybe, I dunno I didn’t really think about it, but I suppose they very well could,” or something similar, than take the Moral Game Challenge!

I will show you 4 pictures, and of those 4 pictures, you choose which one has a right to life, and which one does not.

A.) An Iraqi

B.) A Criminal

C.) A baby

D.) Queers


The correct answer was C.), the baby. The baby has a right to life because it is too young to make mistakes like an Iraqi, a Criminal or a homosexual. Remember, according to the Republican Party Code of Morals (the RPCM) and our Lord Jesus Christ; every life is sacred, until it makes a mistake, and then it is acceptable to kill it. God would do the punishing of the wicked for us, but in this fast paced age of information and technology, he is just too busy – so it is up to the government to decide who should live and who should die.

The Gay Conspiracy

Well I hate the gays as much as any Republican, but come on now, what’s the deal with Sponge Bob being bad because he was gay! He’s a cartoon character for Christ’s sake! He doesn’t even have genitalia! Besides, I grew up with homosexual Muppets and my mom never complained.

I'll be the first to admit it, but this is extremely petty even for us Republicans. In a complete reversal of my staunchly anti-homosexual record, I’m taking a stand with Sponge Bob on this one...

He’s here, he’s square, get used to it.

Adam and the Beave - Not in MY neighborhood

Ehem people, has anybody read the amendments to the Constitution? Article IX (Roman numeral for Rocky 9) states, “The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.”

By allowing homosexuals the right to get married, the liberals infringe upon my right for them not to get married.

All we have to do is prove that homosexuals either hurt me physically or take away my rights by getting married. Easy –

They hurt my Christian sensibility, and they do irreparable damage to immature minds. Imagine children thinking about two lesbians doing it in their dorm rooms! They should not be exposed to such graphic images, and the only way to counter-act those images is by depicting manly heterosexual images… of war! Blood, violence, detached limbs etc.; Kid tested, mother approved.

My whole point is that people should not have to think about a man putting his *expletive deleted* in another man’s *expletive deleted*. Good old fashion sex - the way God likes it – is only when the man puts his *expletive deleted* in a woman’s *expletive deleted*, and only in her *expletive deleted*… unless the sex isn’t great and the couple agrees to experiment, then, and only then is it ok for a man to put his *expletive deleted* in the female’s *expletive deleted*, but to reiterate, never in the man’s *expletive deleted*. Also, oral sex is totally not cool with God, sorry ladies. Lesbians and straight women are just going to have to learn to get along without foreplay.

Just remember; God’s a perv, and he only likes straight porn.

(In the original story of Adam and Eve, Adam was delivering a pizza.)

Wahoo!

Knock "Meetin' the Who's the Boss Guy" off of my "To Do Before I Die" list!


(I'm on the left next to some nobody - Tony Danza is the one with the huge head)

This is so cool I met him at a time when a space is opening up in the Department of Homeland Security! Tony will bring some much needed diversity to our team - the only other washed up daytime TV star in my cabinet is Dustin Diamond as the Secretary of Agriculture.

The list Shortens everyday I'm President!
"To Do Before I Die":

Meet the "Who's the Boss" Guy
Capture Osama Bin Laden
Capture Saddam
Mud wrestle with Saddam
Pet a Giraffe
Kill a Giraffe
Pet a midget
Kill a midget
Snorkle
Pickup Laundry (Bring your ticket!!)
Solve energy crisis
Hate a gay
Unite (Don't divide!!)
Fix a cock fight (small dog disguised as cock!!)
Punch the guy who played "Webster"
Punch the guy who played "Corky" on Life Goes On
Write the great American novel

I'm Done Workin'... Kerry Can Have My Friggin' Job

Uhhhggg... do I have to hear about AIDS again? I have wars to plan and people to kill, and all they want me to work on is the AIDS epidemic in Africa. Reagan was right! This is a disease sent by God to punish the wicked for being Gays. I just didn't realize how fruity Africa was until just recently... over 30 million people in Africa have AIDS and are assumedly a Gay. Wait a minute... let me do the math real quick...

Whoa wait a second, 30 to 40 percent of the population of some of these countries are Gays with AIDS. That can't be right! Whatever, it is not the point. The point is people want me to solve this problem and I'm just one man... One man... What can I do?

Luckily I'm the President, so I don't have to think of things to do, I have people to do that for me - and in this case my people suggested I take a stance of abstinence. That makes sense, because abstinence works so well in American High Schools - it has to work in the middle of the friggin' desert.

Our only other option was to spend the 15 billion dollars set aside by congress to solve the problem with condoms, and we all know that condoms may prevent people from getting AIDS, but it doesn't prevent them from having sex out of wedlock - the real issue here. That's why I get paid the big bucks, cause I think outside the box.

So, help me stop the AIDS epidemic; by forcing 1/3 the population of Africa to stop "doin' it," as the kids like to say.

Unless...

We could somehow contain the entire continent so as not to infect us...

Prezbush@email.com

Lately I've been getting a lot of, well what I would call, "negative" feedback in the emails people send me. Which is fine! But please, write responsibly and coherently.

I know a lot of you seem to have a problem with the content of this blog, or possibly my stance on gay rights, or even my handling of the war in Iraq. Whatever your beef is, there seems to be an overwhelming trend of illiteracy in America. Many of you are probably from the South where the education system has failed you. Believe me I know all about it, I can’t help but feel partially responsible! But that does not mean you are too dumb to use spell check.

I'm assuming if you're on the internet, you probably have a computer, and if that is true you can at least take the time to use spell-check. If I have assumed too much, please respond with an email to Prezbush@email.com. Also, positive feedback is greatly appreciated, and I usually respond faster.

George W. Bush, President ;)

Ban Rock Climbing and Free Ice Cream...

Dick said it was time we came up with some new campaign issues to gather steam and rally the country behind the Republican Party. Banning gays, he said, was out of the question because the Queer Eye show is too popular, and because banning gays could have complications with the ACLU. Regardless, I’ve been bouncing a couple of these controversial issues back and forth in my head…

A Constitutional Commandment Banning Rock Climbing,
Our Tentative Logo (check out the sweet Photoshop skills):

Now hear me out… rock climbers are hippies and smoke pot… if we get rid of rock climbing, we get rid of rock climbers and in the process get rid of hippies and weed. I did a little research about rock climbers on www.rockclimbing.com and found out that they are extremely bored people without jobs. They also don’t wear shirts very often…
Climbers banned = better, safer America.

Free Ice Cream Day:

We spend 87 billion dollars to buy every American ice cream one day in the middle of summer. 87 billion being an arbitrary number which could fluctuate plus or minus 50 billion dollars depending on whether Americans prefer Dove bars over ice cream sandwiches.

Resegregation:
Like desegregation, but the opposite.

White House Reality TV:
Now I’m still toying with this idea, and it’s not perfect yet... The White House is retrofitted with over 100 TV cameras, along with a small number of video cameras strapped to small mammals which will be allowed to roam the White House compound… Over the course of sweeps week, American viewers would be able to see how whacky the White House really is, which, coincidentally enough is what I would call the TV show… This Whacky White House / Wild and Whacky White House / Whacky Whitey or something to that effect.

I’m looking forward to getting some feed back on the issues, and to find out which issue the American people would really like to get behind.

Michael Moore

A lot of people assume I must hate Michael Moore because he's so mean to me in his movies. I didn't see Fahrenheit 9-11, but I hear it was pretty good. Siskel and the other one who's not dead gave it two thumbs up, so you know it's at least worth seeing right?

What a lot of people don't understand about me is that I am a compassionate conservative which means I am like Jesus. We both help the homeless, we both love all of Gods creatures, we both turn the other cheek when somebody else threatens or attacks us, we like wine, we both own large ranches and most importantly we forgive others. Now I forgive Michael Moore and everything, but seriously, if he had a problem why didn't he come to me in the first place? Like why does he have to go behind my back ya know? How would he like it if the Republicans criticized him, called him names, and then made up lies? Let me tell you how he'd feel; just like I did when I first heard about the film... I felt hurt. Anyway, I think things are cool now cause I'm pushing for this new anti-gay commandment, and I hear most people are like Jesus and myself - we enjoy homosexually "hip" TV shows, but we can't stand the people themselves.