Hosni Mubarak Hates Brown People

Citizens. I swear to Gawd! You let a thousand of them drown in a national tragedy and they all of a sudden hate you, what’s the deal with that? I can totally relate to Egyptian President Mubarak right now, he must be feeling the pressure from those fickle pricks ever since that ferry tipped and about a thousand people died. To make matters worse, the captain of the ship was totally incompetent and fled the scene in the first lifeboat available… and just guess who the captain was… just guess!

(not me Jackass, the guy in the captain's hat trying to figure out where on the map he sunk his boat)

Former FEMA director, Brownie. I just knew appointing a man with a history of incompetence and zero experience behind the helm of a ferry was a mistake. But that is the price you pay for getting elected into office, you have to shell out the “spoils of war” to the people who helped you get elected… Then, when they screw up, you have to appoint them to a lower position overseas where the only people they can harm are foreigners.

Now before you get your panties in a bunch America, I just want you to remember… September 11^th. Remember what I did after September 11^th? Or have you forgotten?...

Wait, what did I do after September 11^th… I invaded Afghanistan and killed Osama… or wait, did I kill him? I forget now… I united the country! Or did it just kind of get united and patriotic on its own… I invaded Iraq… but I really don’t think we should bring that up right now… I’ve got it! I took away our Civil Liberties! And you haven’t seen a single terrorist attack since!

Except for that whole DC Sniper thing, and the anthrax thing, and the kid flying into the plane thing, and the series of attacks on embassies and US and UK interests overseas… well nuts. Why do people like me? Wait, I’m totally responsible for that thing where the guy was going to choke on a pretzel and die, and I stepped up and saved the day! If I can save just one life, then I have made it all worth it.

Oh, and if you think of anything else I did, please post a comment. I need someone to start writing this stuff down.

CIA report: Castro likely has Parkinson’s

One down, 34 dictators to go! At this rate, I could completely dismember the axis of evil in… one or two generations!

Now you may be saying, hey, Georgie-boy, it is highly unlikely you infected Castro with a disease which isn't contagious. You’d be wrong, stupid. The CIA has been trying to knock off that bastard for some 40 odd years now, and finally the sweet taste of revenge is in our grasps!

I’ve also infected Osama bin Laden with the debilitating brain disease, and in 30 to 40 years he should start showing symptoms, and after that, it’s only a matter of time before he’s dead! Sure, the Cold War is over, and in all likelihood the War on Terror will be over by the time Osama kicks off, but the point is he’ll be dead. These kinds of things take time; you don’t want to rush revenge.

Enemies of America beware! Like Castro, you too will be brought to justice. In time.

Soooo close...

(The clue is: A Saudi Arabian terrorist)

I just can't get this last crossword! It's impossible. I feel like I've been pretty close, but everytime I think I have it, my mind goes blank and I focus on something else, then when I go back to the word it's all jumbled up in my mind. I think I have dyslexia. I should ask for help, but at the same time I feel like this is MY crossword puzzle, and I owe it to myself to finish it alone or not finish it at all.

Oh hell, I just figured it out... Arab, terrorist, five letters: Sadam! For Christ's sake, that was so simple.

Is nothing sacred to the terrorists?

Osama Bin Laden has no respect, none whatsoever, not even on our most holy of holidays. I left a construction-paper mailbox on the edge of my desk in the Oval Office, and I received several delightfully pleasant valentines from some co-workers (even Condi!), but Osama has to go and ruin my day by defiling the sacred tradition of the construction-paper mailbox with a letter laced with Anthrax. Not cool, Osama, not cool.


(forensic scientists have analyzed the letter and identified 4 pieces of evidence that link the letter to Osama – the handwriting, the reference to 9/11, the Anthrax which is a rare strain found primarily in the Afghani regions suspected of harboring Osama, and he wrote his name on the bottom)

The only reason I’m not dead is because my secretary has been stealing candy from my desk for months, and I mistakenly accused Colin, effectively locking him out of the Oval Office, and locking her in. Just like the old tale of the farmer and the hungry rabbit! Needless to say she’s dead. Though, to be fair, she was being kind of a dick.

Osama's new album goes platinum!

That's right. Osama released another audio tape this week, and this time he insulted the Saudi Royal family, a wonderful group of individuals who I at least consider allies in our war on terror. Now I'm starting to think he's doing this intentionally to piss me off, he's pressing my buttons because he knows it aggravates me. He thinks he can get away with making me look like a bumbling idiot who has thrice failed to capture him - good sir, you have gone too far by insulting my intelligence and capabilities! Just for that I won't rest until I do capture him... and the real killers of OJ Simpson's wife. Sure, I'll take time off for holidays and sick days, and the occasional personal day, but even OJ finds time to go golfing while he's fast on the trail of the real killers. OJ and I are a lone breed; relentless in our pursuits of bringing justice to innocent victims - we are true American heroes.

You may say OJ is taking his sweet time to find the real killers (to be fair, it has only been 3 or 4 years now and justice takes time), and some even say OJ is the real killer - but making accusations and slandering his good name bring him no closer to justice - delivering justice, that is. So for the victim's families' sake, don't blame him for anything he does because it only distracts the man from his one true, yet elusive goal of tracking down the evil doers. I await the glorious day when he graces the silver screen once again with his phenomenal comic timing, and life in America can return to normal.

As for my white whale - be patient, Osama will die one of these days. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, and maybe not even 30 years from now, but studies show men have a 1 in 6 chance of developing prostate cancer sometime in their life, and that ain't bad! Unless of course he pulls a Fidel Castro and outlives all his enemies, then I'd feel stupid for letting him go when I did.

Wahoo!

Knock "Meetin' the Who's the Boss Guy" off of my "To Do Before I Die" list!


(I'm on the left next to some nobody - Tony Danza is the one with the huge head)

This is so cool I met him at a time when a space is opening up in the Department of Homeland Security! Tony will bring some much needed diversity to our team - the only other washed up daytime TV star in my cabinet is Dustin Diamond as the Secretary of Agriculture.

The list Shortens everyday I'm President!
"To Do Before I Die":

Meet the "Who's the Boss" Guy
Capture Osama Bin Laden
Capture Saddam
Mud wrestle with Saddam
Pet a Giraffe
Kill a Giraffe
Pet a midget
Kill a midget
Snorkle
Pickup Laundry (Bring your ticket!!)
Solve energy crisis
Hate a gay
Unite (Don't divide!!)
Fix a cock fight (small dog disguised as cock!!)
Punch the guy who played "Webster"
Punch the guy who played "Corky" on Life Goes On
Write the great American novel

Proof Saddam Considered Intending to Re-start Thinking about Re-Starting Iraqi Weapons Program!

All you liberal whackos out there who said Saddam wasn’t a threat to America? Well I have proof he was!

The CIA created a mind reading device (see photo)



which was placed on Saddam’s head late last night, and the results which came back were startling. Among the thoughts we extracted from his mind were these tasty unpatriotic, anti-American tidbits…

(Actual thoughts of Saddam)

“Man, what happened, this sucks.”

“I wish I was in Cuba.”

“Ya know, maybe I should have made weapons of mass destruction. Yes, in hindsight, if I knew they were going to invade me anyway, I would have made weapons. Damn, I should have been prepared. This is what I get for being optimistic.”

“I wish I knew that Osama Bin Laden guy right about now.”

“I have to admit, Bush did look very heroic in the weeks that followed September 11th; hanging out with those firefighters was a way better photo op than me shooting a shotgun from a balcony. I need to get that Scott McClellan guy. Hell, if i knew they'd invade me I would have helped Bin Laden with the attacks. I'm such a fool! Ah hell, I did everything wrong!”

“Is it potato, or potatoe?”

“Why me!?”

“I wonder if I could get that hot Abu Ghraib prison guard to come down here, strip me naked, and then walk me around on a leash again... what can I say, I have a thing for chicks with short hair in army clothes.”



So it looks like my doctrine of pre-emptive preemption based an assumptions was accurate… I dare anyone to dispute that!

George Lucas Best Start Running

The law is a funny thing. As President of the United States, I am still under the scrutiny of the law. If I j-walk, I get a fine. If I threaten to kill someone, I can be charged with a felony and serve jail time. But since the Death Penalty is legal, I can technically say "I want George Lucas executed," and not get in trouble for anything. In fact, funny thing about the law, I can have George Lucas executed, and since I'm the Commander and Chief of the most powerful military in the world, I can pretty much do whatever I want.

Sooo... for crimes against humanity, and for crimes against the Star Wars series, I hereby replace Osama Bin Laden with George Suckass as the number one Most Wanted man on the FBI's top ten list. There is currently a $25,000,000 reward for the capture or execution of said criminal.


(George Lucas at the next RNC if he doesn't shape up his act)

For those who haven't heard:
George Lucas digitally added in Jar Jar Binks into the original Star Wars series, along with Hayden Christensen and other crap. He also removed the ewok's song at the end of Return of the Jedi, which was my favorite part of all the Star Wars films. Now I personally haven't seen the new DVDs, but my friend Colin was bitching about it earlier, and I agree. Besides; Lucas is probably a Hollywood Liberal anyway, so one more dead celebrity equals one less vote for Kerry.

Now we got three wars waging in America thanks to me and my dad; a war on drugs, a war on terrorism, and a war on crappy remakes of classic films. Rest assured; America will not give in to the will of mad men with video cameras, massive egos and large budgets. Freedom will prevail.

Plus this pretty much means I can stop focusing so hard on the war on terror like I did on the war on drugs. If, say in another 2 years, I haven’t captured or killed George Lucas, I can always start a new war on something else and forget about this one. We Americans are suckers that way.

The whole Osama thing...

Ashcroft said I could pet Osama today. We keep him downstairs in the laundry room away from the tours through the White House. Ashcroft says we have to release him to the public in one month because of the election, so he is going to be transferred to a real prison pretty soon which is kind of a bummer. It has been three years, but we finally got him. I like it when the news reports talk about how poorly I’ve handled the war on terror seeing as I spent more time catching Saddam and it turns out he wasn’t even a threat to us, but they’ll all feel like total jerks when they find out I did catch the real threat.

If we have to put him down, I don’t want someone else killing him. He’s my arch nemesis, I’ll do it.