How does a double amputee run in a senate race?

Poorly! HAHAHA.... cause she has no legs.

This weekend, Republican Peter Roskam stood up against one of the dirtiest tricks from a Democrat this year. If you haven’t already heard, the Dems put a female double amputee Iraq War veteran in a state congressional race in Illinois. How low can they get? What a cheap ploy! I mean, come on, we all know women can’t hold office!

But Republican Peter Roskam called their bluff and rightly asserted that Tammy Duckworth (the legless woman) was going to “cut and run” in Iraq. True story! He actually told the Iraq war vet she would cut and run with her prosthetic legs… man, even I don’t have balls that big! Damn! I mean, damn… I once hit a blind man with my car at a crosswalk and told him to watch where he was going, but damn! Cut and run… hahaha… Arguably, it would be a slow run, probably more of a crawl as she clawed her way across the sand, dragging two lifeless stumps behind her, but it would be a run nonetheless. Hahaha… *sigh,* had I known this war would have had such hilarious side effects, I would have started it earlier and with more countries.

Peter Roskam, you sir, are a gentleman and a scholar. Please, everyone, contact Peter Roskam and tell him how hilariously outrageous you think he is, and remind him to keep up the good work. Way to go Pete, you’ve taken politics to a new level!


(Just look at that smug sense of satisfaction oozing from his receding hairline; that's the look of a man who knows he's a class act politician.)

On a separate note, what do you think of the new blog look? I thought this administration could use a little shake up, so I'm starting with the blog and I'll work from there.

Children: Our Nation's Most Valuable Resource

Children really are our most valuable resource...

I never really appreciated the depth of this statement until I forced several of the brightest petroleum scientists from Exxon to explore the matter medically. Our children are rich in blood! Red Gold! Vampire Tea! Plasma!

For years, liberal politicians have been bullshitting their constituents with “children are this nation’s most valuable resource” garbage. As if children magically produced more kilojoules of heat energy than oil or coal, ha! But for once, the Democrats were finally right.

We're talking 50 dollars for a full head of hair, 200 dollars for a gallon of blood, and 800 dollars for a kidney! Just think about it, with 93,000 people on a waiting list for a kidney, my current ban on stem cell research, and a plasma shortage that borders on the absurd for a self proclaimed 1st world nation… our only solution is to roll into the ghettos with enormous armored ambulances disguised as ice cream trucks to harvest the weaker, poorer (ethnic) children!

I call this plan the NEW No Child Left Behind act. The OLD No Child Left Behind act failed miserably and left our schools in the worstest shape ever (my bad!). Naturally the most economical solution (and remember, I am an economic conservative) is to harvest their organs and reduce the enormous bureaucracy of our Public Schools. I guarantee you; our elite squadron of ex-navy seal organ-harvesting doctors will leave no child left behind. Not one.

You may say, "Hey, George, that sounds evil..."

Well yes. In a simultaneous announcement in conjunction with my "NEW No Child Left Behind” act, I will also be unveiling a comprehensive “NEW Axis of Evil” list. This one will include most nations, including America! We've been on the fence of evil for too long anyway, if we're going to catch the terrorists, we have to be evil like the terrorists (Cheney’s words, not mine). This way, our nation’s soldiers can regard the Geneva Convention as if it was written on toilet paper (little known fact; it actually was scrawled on high quality Charmin Ultra). No one can stop our terrorist torturing-fresh-out-of-high-school recruits, not even our courts!

Remember, we’re protecting our homeland from the terrorist so as to protect our children… and their precious, precious organs.


(Where you see a room full of future drop-outs, I see financial opportunity. While we're at it, we might as well collect from the teachers too.)

For an excellent commentary on the benefits of Organ Harvesting on the black market and the overall societal rewards, I recommend the Brazilian film Chronically Unfeasible.

On an entirely separate note… I need a kidney; if you are A positive, shoot me an email!

God damn anti-war neo-nazi skinhead democrats

I’ve got the distinct feeling there is too much partisanship going on lately. Look at the news on any given day and you’ll see divisive issues tearing this country apart, and it seems to be down party lines.

I for one, have been doing my best (particularly on this blog) to reconnect Democrats and Republicans through open discussion and mature dialogue – take a look at any of my previous posts and you’ll see what I mean.

But leave it to the Democrats (or should I say, Demolition-crats… no, that’s not even really very funny) to attempt to destroy any bipartisan efforts made by our convivial Republican brethren. One of the latest examples of their irresponsible partisan behavior was when they rallied together to block our Republican attempts to keep minimum wage at Wal-Mart low levels! In the process of fighting for an absurd cause like raising the minimum wage, they stalled important legislation that would have increased congress’ pay.

Did you know that congressmen make less than the average-minimum wage of a dictator from a corrupt third world country? Appalling isn’t it? We’re talking about subsistence-luxury living in the mansions of Washington, DC.

My point is their partisan actions have put them more in line with Nazis than Americans. That’s right, I said it. Democrats partisanship has made them worse than Nazis. Donnie Rumsfeld was right to go out on a limb last week and compare Americans who spoke out against the Iraq war to Nazi sympathizers. And if the Democrats (or should I say, Demon-crats? Is that really even better or did I make it worse?) don’t hop on board the bipartisan movement… well then, they’re worse than Hitler.

During WWII, Hitler was opposed to invading Iraq because it was, and I quote, “No threat (to Germany), particularly during a time when (Germany) was involved in so many other conflicts around the globe.”

Sound familiar? I hear the distinct echo of dove Democrats (or should I say, the demogaogues… actually I’m not completely sure I know what that word means, so let’s just leave it at democrats).

So if you’re opposed to the War in Iraq, then you might as well vote for the Third Reich party this year, because that’s what Hitler would have wanted. No war in Iraq.

(Anti-war neo-nazi skinhead Democrats at the Democratic National Convention, espousing their biggoted message of non-violence)

Land of the Free and Home of the Afraid of Everything

I believe it was the late great Richard Nixon who said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Well that’s bullshit. Here is a list of things the government thinks you should be afraid of:

Iraqis
Terrorism
Homosexuals
Immigrants
Losing shit job to illegal immigrants
Other Americans
Zombie Jesus
Taxes
Terrorists
Intellectuals
Terrorists posing as intellectuals
New Yorkers
Coloreds
God’s Wrath
Terror
Zombie aborted fetuses
Rock and/or Roll
Rap
Gangs, but not guns
The sex out of wedlock
Tainted moral fiber
SAN FRANCISCO

Some say the Republican Party has turned America into a bunch of whimpering paranoid pussies, but I like to think we’ve made the American people more aware of the unheard of dangers that lurk in every single shado - LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! Hehe, just keeping you on your toes. Remember this country is not, and never has been safe from anything ever. Don’t let the democrats convince you that you shouldn’t be afraid, because if you aren’t, the - OH MY GOD YOU’RE GOING TO DIE! Scared yet?

Possible Warning Signs of "Sadness"

It seems to me that the Democrats - Kerry in particular - are taking this loss pretty hard. The standard response appears to be uncontrollable sobbing followed by hours of inconsolable pain marked my long periods of silence and a gentle rocking motion. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I had a conversation with Kerry last night on instant messenger...


Poor guy seems all tuckered out.

Never forget...

I hate to say this, but the other day... I almost forgot. I was sitting there thinking to myself, Man isn't it glorious that America has never been humbled by a major terrorist attack, isn't it great that we've always had the Terror Alert System - color coded for maximum efficiency, and then I remembered... September 11th. They always say, "Never forget" and you think to yourself, "Uh yeah, thanks, I'm not going to forget... jackass." But it is true; it is extremely easy to forget if you aren't reminded all the time. And you know the news doesn't mention it hardly enough.

That is what makes the Republican National Convention so awesome; our understanding that the American People are too stupid to remember a national tragedy that is less than 3 years old. The Democrats just assume the American People are going to remember four planes crashing simultaneously across the country because the media burned the image into our heads for 6 straight months, but what the Democrats don't know is going to hurt them:

The image of the twin towers falling down is an easily forgettable event that must be exploited.

That is why I am proposing a bill that will make all TV shows flash an image of the twin towers falling down every 3 minutes, along with an image of me at ground zero heroically supporting the firefighters. So the American people will never forget the events of September 11th and my stunning display of leadership in the weeks that followed, even if they get down on their knees and beg God to wipe the memories from their tortured minds, they won't be able to forget how awful life was on that day.

Can you imagine how it would have been if Al Gore was appointed President? He would have gone down to ground zero and peed on the debris, then he would have told the firefighters to go fuck themselves because he has no understanding of how the American People really are. He wouldn't have spent weeks taking photo ops at the site of the accident, or secretly dismantling basic American liberties which could be exploited by terrorists. If it was up to him, colored people would still be allowed to have their rights read to them while being arrested. Next thing you know, the terrorists and gang members would be asking for lawyers! The Democrats are so retarded and gutless it makes me want to invade them and force them to start thinking the way I want them to.

Annnnyway, I told Andy Jr. about my idea and asked if he could help me, but he said there were a number of problems. First off he's the chief of staff, and I guess that's not what he does... Second off he told me I was the President, and making bills is not what I do... I explained to him that I've signed like an infinity of bills already, but he just doesn't understand my job apparently. Well I'll keep trying, and hopefully no one will ever forget again.

Liberal Media

When I get re-elected my first job will be to get rid of all these darn liberal media folks. First of all, the liberals are unpatriotic and anti-war which pretty much means they want another country to invade America and take us over because they don't like America and they want it to end. Second of all, the so called "Fair and Balanced Coverage" is hardly fair or balanced. Those darn liberals at Fox are constantly talking bad about me. I was watching the other day and Bill O'Reilly "reported" that I should take a firmer stand in the middle east and take out Iran because their citizens hate American principles too. Please Bill, like a pussy Democrat would do a better job at killing Arabs? Besides, Iran is on my TO DO list, and I thought of invading them way before Bill O'freaking-Reilly ever did. In fact, I'm planning to invade all of them, but the liberals down at Fox would love to see me fail. All they talk about is finishing the job in Iraq this and sending more troops to Iraq that.

Remember when I landed on the carrier, how cool that was? I was gonna take the troops out that week and call it quits, but noooooo! The liberals at Fox kept pointing out to the American people how screwed up it is - and so I had to keep more troops in, and soon I'm gonna end up sending more just to protect the ones that are already there.

If I keep all our troops in Iraq, how are we going to turn the rest of the middle east into a democracy?

That's another thing. If the Iraqi's aren't willing to die for freedom and democracy, why should we? Why didn't they do the job of getting Saddam out themselves if they hated it so bad? Why? Because they're a bunch of liberal pussies.

It's almost a good thing the liberals are such pussies cause I know they will never try to start a war to get me out of office. I could take a crap on the American flag and all they would say is, "he has the right to do whatever he wants." Ah hell no I don't! If I was President I would throw me in one of our secret prisons for doing that! We don't have the right to do whatever we feel like, cause if we did, things would just go crazy and everyone would go around enjoying themselves too much.

The only real reason the Democrats wouldn't invade the middle east is cause they're afraid of getting too much sand in their vaginas. That and the American people didn't really wanna go there either, but as I always say, WWGD. What Would George Do. Whatever I feel like.

Don't mess with Texas.

My Lunch with Condi

Condi invited me to lunch today, and I was so excited! Finally some one on one time with her, and I was really interested in pitching my idea for getting rid of the gays.

I ordered a ham sandwhich and a cherry italian soda with whipped cream, and the waitress said I could keep the glass!

So anyway, we're sitting there just talking and it turns out she had something to tell me. It turns out she wanted to talk to me about this blog. She says it is a bad idea to be talking about presidential stuff on a blog. I can't really tell, but I'm willing to bet Donald had something to do with our little talk. She said that some people in the White House were worried I could accidentally leak secrets, or give the Democrats information which they could use against me.

But I told Condi that this blog wasn't for them! it's not like I'm writing this for Al-Kayda or the Democrats! It's just a blog for friends and family and whoever wants to check in. Sometimes all this political stuff gets way too out of hand. Everybody is worried about what others will think, but this is the internet; a safe place for me to express my opinions, doubts, and fears free from judgement. Sometimes I think nobody even understands.

Swift Boat Veterans for Truth

Whoa, talk about some good luck! These guys turned their back on Kerry for less than we spent on the TV "spot". "Spot" is an industry term for a commercial. I asked Donald what would happen if the Democrats found any of my old Air National Guard buddies, but he said they'd been "taken care of." Christ! He over uses those quotation marks. We're "going out to lunch," that pinko commie has "gone to his last political rally," and Iraq has "WMDs." Come on Donny, I'm a grown man, you can tell me what you're really talking about. I think I really need to talk to him about how I feel. He wouldn't even let me speak at the 9-11 commission's hearings without adding something or interupting me. Sometimes I just feel so bottled up ya know? I can't really express how I feel in words, so I wrote a poem, it's not any good, but it kind of expresses how I feel, and it's nothing big, it's just a little something I did during one of our White House briefings, and I only spent like 5 minutes on it anyway, so here it is...

trapped in a cage
all alone
can't express my rage
not even on the phone,

I try so hard,
I try so long,
but everyone always says...
I'm wrong.

why won't they listen
why can't I try?
hey who's in charge here?
you... or I?

It's got layers, and it's still a work in progress, and I know if I really tried it wouldn't be so bad, but it's just something I felt like writing so there it is.