Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Children: Our Nation's Most Valuable Resource

Children really are our most valuable resource...

I never really appreciated the depth of this statement until I forced several of the brightest petroleum scientists from Exxon to explore the matter medically. Our children are rich in blood! Red Gold! Vampire Tea! Plasma!

For years, liberal politicians have been bullshitting their constituents with “children are this nation’s most valuable resource” garbage. As if children magically produced more kilojoules of heat energy than oil or coal, ha! But for once, the Democrats were finally right.

We're talking 50 dollars for a full head of hair, 200 dollars for a gallon of blood, and 800 dollars for a kidney! Just think about it, with 93,000 people on a waiting list for a kidney, my current ban on stem cell research, and a plasma shortage that borders on the absurd for a self proclaimed 1st world nation… our only solution is to roll into the ghettos with enormous armored ambulances disguised as ice cream trucks to harvest the weaker, poorer (ethnic) children!

I call this plan the NEW No Child Left Behind act. The OLD No Child Left Behind act failed miserably and left our schools in the worstest shape ever (my bad!). Naturally the most economical solution (and remember, I am an economic conservative) is to harvest their organs and reduce the enormous bureaucracy of our Public Schools. I guarantee you; our elite squadron of ex-navy seal organ-harvesting doctors will leave no child left behind. Not one.

You may say, "Hey, George, that sounds evil..."

Well yes. In a simultaneous announcement in conjunction with my "NEW No Child Left Behind” act, I will also be unveiling a comprehensive “NEW Axis of Evil” list. This one will include most nations, including America! We've been on the fence of evil for too long anyway, if we're going to catch the terrorists, we have to be evil like the terrorists (Cheney’s words, not mine). This way, our nation’s soldiers can regard the Geneva Convention as if it was written on toilet paper (little known fact; it actually was scrawled on high quality Charmin Ultra). No one can stop our terrorist torturing-fresh-out-of-high-school recruits, not even our courts!

Remember, we’re protecting our homeland from the terrorist so as to protect our children… and their precious, precious organs.

(Where you see a room full of future drop-outs, I see financial opportunity. While we're at it, we might as well collect from the teachers too.)

For an excellent commentary on the benefits of Organ Harvesting on the black market and the overall societal rewards, I recommend the Brazilian film Chronically Unfeasible.

On an entirely separate note… I need a kidney; if you are A positive, shoot me an email!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

God damn anti-war neo-nazi skinhead democrats

I’ve got the distinct feeling there is too much partisanship going on lately. Look at the news on any given day and you’ll see divisive issues tearing this country apart, and it seems to be down party lines.

I for one, have been doing my best (particularly on this blog) to reconnect Democrats and Republicans through open discussion and mature dialogue – take a look at any of my previous posts and you’ll see what I mean.

But leave it to the Democrats (or should I say, Demolition-crats… no, that’s not even really very funny) to attempt to destroy any bipartisan efforts made by our convivial Republican brethren. One of the latest examples of their irresponsible partisan behavior was when they rallied together to block our Republican attempts to keep minimum wage at Wal-Mart low levels! In the process of fighting for an absurd cause like raising the minimum wage, they stalled important legislation that would have increased congress’ pay.

Did you know that congressmen make less than the average-minimum wage of a dictator from a corrupt third world country? Appalling isn’t it? We’re talking about subsistence-luxury living in the mansions of Washington, DC.

My point is their partisan actions have put them more in line with Nazis than Americans. That’s right, I said it. Democrats partisanship has made them worse than Nazis. Donnie Rumsfeld was right to go out on a limb last week and compare Americans who spoke out against the Iraq war to Nazi sympathizers. And if the Democrats (or should I say, Demon-crats? Is that really even better or did I make it worse?) don’t hop on board the bipartisan movement… well then, they’re worse than Hitler.

During WWII, Hitler was opposed to invading Iraq because it was, and I quote, “No threat (to Germany), particularly during a time when (Germany) was involved in so many other conflicts around the globe.”

Sound familiar? I hear the distinct echo of dove Democrats (or should I say, the demogaogues… actually I’m not completely sure I know what that word means, so let’s just leave it at democrats).

So if you’re opposed to the War in Iraq, then you might as well vote for the Third Reich party this year, because that’s what Hitler would have wanted. No war in Iraq.

(Anti-war neo-nazi skinhead Democrats at the Democratic National Convention, espousing their biggoted message of non-violence)