Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Mood - Indifferent

So I was talking to the Italian Prime Minister today, and Silvio told me that the word "Republican" comes from the Latin word "Republici" which means easily fooled, or gullible (or gullable - it's spelled two different ways in the dictionary). Won't his face be red when I inform him that after looking through two dictionaries, two encyclopedias and all over the internet I found no proof that "Republican" means either "Gullible" or "easily fooled." Ha! Easily fooled... does he have any idea how much money it took to convince them to go to Iraq and re-elect me? Republicans aren't easily fooled, that kinda thing takes cash.

Silvio you old dog... fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times - you get added to the axis of evil my friend.

Monday, November 29, 2004

What the terrorists want, we won't give 'em...

Osama's right hand man (the equivalent of my Donny) left a taped message for America on TV yesterday.

"You can elect Bush, Kerry or Satan himself, it doesn't matter to us," Ayman al-Zawahiri said in a tape broadcast by the Arabic-language Al-Jazeera television network. "What's important to us is the U.S. policies toward Muslims."

So apparently the terrorists want fair treatment of Muslims... well we can't give them what they want because that would mean the terrorists have already won. So to err on the side of safety, I'm signing into law Executive order 9066 Version 2.0 - The imprisonment of all things brown. Nothing is more important to me than the safety of all non-brown Americans, because after all, isn't that what the founding fathers intended? If they wanted Muslims to have rights too they would have said something like "All men are created equal - including brown people." But they didn't. They obviously left that part of the birth of our nation open for interpretation.

(The imprisonment of all things brown - no exceptions)

Besides, let's face it people, brown = terrorists, there is even a website about it... http://www.brownequalsterrorist.com/. Seriously, we can all stop being PC about this crap and just come out and say it... we don't need darkies in our country anymore because the people of the South and Midwest have spoken semi-unanimously.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Next they'll want me to pardon the gravy...

If you weren’t aware, every Thanksgiving it is customary for the President to pardon at least one turkey. Well we usually have a large ceremony and then send the turkey to go live on a farm in Virginia, sparing it from being killed, cooked and eaten. But if you know me at all, you know pardoning ain’t my style, so I thought this year; couldn’t we pardon the turkey posthumously? We did it for General Robert E. Lee (and he was delicious). Yeah… screw this saving a turkey shit, I want my cake, and I want to eat it too! Besides, I have a record to maintain... the only pardons I give are for when I pass wind.

(this is a picture I just found from when I made it last year)

Sunday, November 21, 2004

They make Soccer Moms seem interesting...

You know what the best part of winning this election is? I don’t have to pretend to like Nascar or Nascar dads ever again. Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ people, if you’re going to choose a boring ass sport to watch, make it baseball. If I have to see another flamboyant ass car make it around the same circular track one more time without a crash, I think I’m going to shoot myself, or at least someone in the pit crew…or the guy who waves the flag… no, better yet, I’ll just link Nascar dads to terrorism and bomb the shit out of all of them.

Nascar dads give white trash a bad name.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

Multi-Level Marketing: The future of business…

I just signed up for this great new way to make buttloads of money with a minimal amount of effort! The company is called Vector Marketing, and they offer this awesome program where I get paid to sell knives to my friends and family. The trick to making lots of money, though, is by signing up more people to sell knives for Vector – easy as a pie baked by a woman! And every person they get to participate in the knife selling process means more money for me, and every person those people sign up means more money for me too, and so on and so forth for infinity - it’s like a pyramid of money making! If I sign up enough people, I won't even have to work and I'll earn millions of dollars!

Look at how sharp that knife is; they can literally cut through a tin can like it was a ripe tomato! So contact me if you want to get in on the ground floor of this awesome opportunity, but don't tell too many people, this is kind of on the DL until they talk to me.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Rapper accused in Vibe Awards stabbing surrenders:

My question is, why did they even let a rapist into the building? The VIBE awards show is bootylicious, you're just asking for trouble. I have a zero tolerance rule for that kind of thing; you rape a girl, you aren't allowed to go to any more awards shows. That should be a law.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004


OMG OMG OMG!! So I’ve totally been crushing on Condi for like months now, and yesterday I finally got the courage to send her a letter, and this morning she got back to me! Not only did she say yes, but check out what she drew at the bottom of the note!!

I can’t be for sure, but I think I can definitely say I have the will of the Condi!

Monday, November 15, 2004

Pssh, they don't have feelings anyway...

Well if you watch any of those liberal news stations like CNN or FOX you know what kind of shit storm I should be in, but this time around I have the will of the people, so it doesn't really matter what I do or say. That guy deserved it! I know he was supposedly "unarmed," and apparently "wounded," but those are just words - crazy ideals! They aren't tangible like Freedom, Liberty and Democracy. In the long run, that guy will be thankful we went in there and liberated him from Saddam. Hell, Saddam might have used bullets instead of freedom liberty and democracy, and that would have really hurt. So people of Iraq, there is no need to thank me, it was my pleasure.

(we are working on a prototype weapon that shoots Justice! all over the face of the unsuspecting terrorist)

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Hang in there Dick!

I’m sure you’ve all heard it reported in the news that earlier this week Dick Cheney was checked out by doctors for shortness of breath. We’ve known of this health concern for a while now, but unfortunately there is nothing we can do to stop it. Dick Cheney has been infected with the rare RAGE virus, which was brilliantly depicted in the 2002 zombie film 28 Days Later. For those of you unfamiliar with the film (awesome scary movie) a rare virus rapidly spreads throughout the world infecting each person it encounters – the victims are then turned into blood thirsty zombies that roam the streets looking for more people to hurt/infect. It’s just too bad a man like Dick was infected in the prime of his life… Luckily, Dick is a fighter, and although infected, he does not appear to be showing any signs of this debilitating disease…

Before Infection:

After Infection:

Hang in there Dick! Everyone at the White House is pulling for you!

Well it’s either that, or another heart attack. What do I know, I’m not a doctor.

Friday, November 12, 2004

Michael Moore is Asking For It

Michael Moore has apparently announced plans to film a sequel to his Fahrenheit 9/11 – in response; I’ve decided to invade another country. Your move Mr. Moore, your move.

I call my plan the War on Documentaries. We relentlessly invade another country every time a film maker shoots a discouraging film about me, that way the film industry will realize it is useless to argue and will give up - just as the terrorists will realize their struggle is useless, you know, once we kill enough of them. It’s all in the numbers. You kill one Middle Eastern person, you have one less Middle Eastern person angry at you. The trick is, to kill their whole family though, that way you don’t get upset sons and daughters calling a Jihad on your ass. Ironic thing about that though, is once you kill an entire family, they tend to have extended relatives and country men angry at you. It’s tricky but we’re getting the hang of it!

So Michael Moore, if you read my blog, just give up. Hollywood will crumble under the mighty power of America, eventually. Don’t drag this out like the terrorists are… you’re not a terrorist… are you Mr. Moore?

(the difference between Hollywood and the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln - Hollywood just isn't as dramatic)

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Ashcroft "Resigns"

Well Attorney General John Ashcroft will have to resign for my second term, partly because of his unwavering support for the Patriot Act, his extreme religious views and his strong anti-abortion stance, but mainly because of his controversial “No Child Left Behind Act.” I know what you’re thinking, but no, it is not in any way related to my education act of the same name; it is quite a bit more gruesome.

Ashcroft heard some rumors about a messiah born somewhere in the country and he was afraid religious nuts might start worshiping him and take away from our power; long story short, he pretty much wants to kill American children. I tried reasoning with him; I explained there were other ways to kill Americans – discreetly! The man is a little nutso for the religion – I say anyone who’s that into religion has some confidence problems… Well I hate to see him go, but at least it will be a little quieter around the White House without him.

Monday, November 08, 2004

just… too… damn… HOT

Just look at her *sigh*. If you think this is a good shot, you should see the view from the back. Daaaamn… Whenever I talk to her I immediately begin to stumble, trip and fall all over my words – I sound like Jethro Bodine from the Beverly Hillbillies, but without the 3rd grade education. It can be so embarrassing. Around anyone else, I’m a regular sweet talker, my words flow like honey, but you get Condi in the room… *sigh*

Sunday, November 07, 2004

A Postwar Plan for Iraq

The complaint I hear most often is that I never had a postwar plan for Iraq. Well I’ve always had a plan for Iraq, but to be completely honest, it was lost until just recently. You know, it’s always in the last place you’d ever look, in this case – sitting on my desk; conveniently used as a coaster. This image is not the original, but was transcribed from the napkin onto an aerial photograph of Baghdad to give it that extra touch of professionalism that the White House so often lacks.

So here it is; the post war Iraq plan…

(arrows indicate where things go)

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Possible Warning Signs of "Sadness"

It seems to me that the Democrats - Kerry in particular - are taking this loss pretty hard. The standard response appears to be uncontrollable sobbing followed by hours of inconsolable pain marked my long periods of silence and a gentle rocking motion. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I had a conversation with Kerry last night on instant messenger...

Poor guy seems all tuckered out.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

This time it's forealz!

I think there has never been a more appropriate time to say Boo Ya bitches! Yeah, you thought you’d be able to stop me by voting, but you were wrong as usual. Nothing stops Bush baby, I’m invincible! No amount of slander/truth can get me out of office or stop this blog.

The only downside I can see to this whole being the President thing is that it will definitely take time away from my real passion… the rodeo.

I wonder how Kerry is holding up, I should really IM him sometime…