Hosni Mubarak Hates Brown People

Citizens. I swear to Gawd! You let a thousand of them drown in a national tragedy and they all of a sudden hate you, what’s the deal with that? I can totally relate to Egyptian President Mubarak right now, he must be feeling the pressure from those fickle pricks ever since that ferry tipped and about a thousand people died. To make matters worse, the captain of the ship was totally incompetent and fled the scene in the first lifeboat available… and just guess who the captain was… just guess!

(not me Jackass, the guy in the captain's hat trying to figure out where on the map he sunk his boat)

Former FEMA director, Brownie. I just knew appointing a man with a history of incompetence and zero experience behind the helm of a ferry was a mistake. But that is the price you pay for getting elected into office, you have to shell out the “spoils of war” to the people who helped you get elected… Then, when they screw up, you have to appoint them to a lower position overseas where the only people they can harm are foreigners.

Now before you get your panties in a bunch America, I just want you to remember… September 11^th. Remember what I did after September 11^th? Or have you forgotten?...

Wait, what did I do after September 11^th… I invaded Afghanistan and killed Osama… or wait, did I kill him? I forget now… I united the country! Or did it just kind of get united and patriotic on its own… I invaded Iraq… but I really don’t think we should bring that up right now… I’ve got it! I took away our Civil Liberties! And you haven’t seen a single terrorist attack since!

Except for that whole DC Sniper thing, and the anthrax thing, and the kid flying into the plane thing, and the series of attacks on embassies and US and UK interests overseas… well nuts. Why do people like me? Wait, I’m totally responsible for that thing where the guy was going to choke on a pretzel and die, and I stepped up and saved the day! If I can save just one life, then I have made it all worth it.

Oh, and if you think of anything else I did, please post a comment. I need someone to start writing this stuff down.