Friday, January 21, 2005

Natural Gas Found on Saturn's Moon Titan

CNN reported that “scientists” have discovered Saturn’s moon Titan to be covered in Natural Gas… you know what that means. I’ve declared Saturn’s moon a threat to national security, placed it on the axis of evil and have begun preparations for a pre-emptive strike. Of course this is all just a precaution. We don’t know if the moon is actually harboring terrorists, or if it is just planning to build weapons of mass destruction – at this point we can only guess, but hell, that’s all we really need to do anyway, so prepare for Operation Titanium Freedom.

I’ve already sent the U.S.S. Destroyer to Saturn before we press the United Nations this week for invasion approval, which of course they will deny, and which of course we will ignore.

(we went ahead and pre-emptively retro-fitted the U.S.S. Destroyer with a Mission Accomplished banner, just to speed up the process)

Advisors and “scientists” keep insisting that Titan’s moon is uninhabitable, and an invasion would just result in massive casualties… goes to show what “scientists” know… The Middle East is damned near as uninhabitable as Saturn’s moon, but we invaded anyway and have only suffered heavy casualties… hardly massive.

To be honest, my only concern is that if the planet Saturn is half as diverse as the Saturn commercials, we’re in for a hell of a hard time singling out people based on the color their skin… but we’ll find away, we’re America, we always find a way.


Anonymous said...

Mr. President,

While the spreading of Freedom and Liberty to Titan will be an honorable move on the part of the President of the United States of America, I’ll respectfully remind you yet again that if you break it you own it.

Oh fuck it. You always just do what the hell you’re gonna do anyways. Why dont ya put Condi on the 16 month voyage as an emissary? Her post is as good as vacant anyways. And dont call me, I’ll be busy writing the book that makes me rich.

See ya, monkeyface. I'm outta here!


Fuzzy Turtle said...

What about Jeb & Neil? They emit natural gas too at the barbecues.. are they axes of evil? (or axises as you would say...)

Anonymous said...

George, My Man, You are funny. You keep everything in perspective for me!! the banner is a nice touch!

Steve said...

I don't take no truck in no treehuggin' NASA scientist's high fallutin' discoveries. They faked the moon landing, after all.

We can't know for sure if there is natural gas on Titan, but I can guarantee that you'll find some on Uranus.

Tom Ledbetter said...

Don't be talkin' shit about barbecues!Barbecuing is the key to world peace.

Bella said...

Oh Georgie, the Lord will be right with ya on this one. I know you''d find somethin' up der. Hell, you might've declared that Iraq officially has no WMD's but you'll never know; they could have sent it up in space. If we do find 'em there, we all know who put it there, Iraq! You go, Georgie! I know'd you find somethin'.

Anonymous said...

black power down with the president he killing us all