Put down your stick of butter and read my post.

I have been dying to understand why Americans are so damn fat. I’m sorry, fat is a hurtful word, let’s use bloated. Bloated sounds too much like we’re dead, let’s use massive. Massive sounds too fat. Plump? No, turkey’s are plump, Americans are fat. Chunky? I used to have a friend who we called Chunky-style, I think that was probably hurtful too.

I digress, what I’m trying to get at here is that we as a nation have an eating problem. Not me, though, I’m for once not the cause of one of our problems. No this time it is you. After a little research I was able to create a nifty little pie chart, but pie is what got us into this problem in the first place. It’s too delicious looking, so instead I’ve divided the bloated human form into a colorful representation of the 8 major causes of obesity.



(props to Michael O. Leavitt for compiling these results for me)

The solution? A lot of people will tell you there is no easy solution, but they weren’t thinking hard enough. The solution is fad-diet after fad-diet until the obese American in question has lost those unsightly pounds. It takes work though, sorting through the thousands of weight loss programs available until our gorged American friend settles upon one that works for them instantly. It might even seem like the effort wasted on fad-diets pales in comparison to the effort put into healthy living and exercise, but don’t be led astray! Some doctors suggest that exercise might actually be the cause of obesity, leading to toned muscles which actually weigh more than fat!

Hang in there John Q. Fatty McFatkins, if washed up actress Kirsty Alley can try and fail on national television, so can you!