One of my better Photoshop projects...

I had some extra time today just sitting around the office, so I worked on this little masterpiece...


(Kerry as the devil; note horns, red eyes and fangs)

This kind of satire is genius and simple! All you have to do is use a red pen (or Photoshop), find a poster of your opponent and then satirize the crap out of them like they were your gimp. I feel like P.D. East or Monoculus poking fun at the devil.

To be completely fair, I stole the idea from a group of Georgetown college kids who posted a picture of me with similar horns, red eyes and fangs on a street lamp near their campus. I'll admit the idea was quite good, so I hope they don't mind I tweaked it a little. You really do have to wade through a lot of shitty political satire to find the good stuff, but when you catch lightning in a bottle like this little piece of work, you really have something special.

Reagan's Dream

If any of you have been watching the news lately, you know what kind of shit storm I’m in. They got a hold of this picture…



Now a lot of agencies are saying that I have been faking the entire Iraq war with special effects and stock footage of soldiers walking around and shooting at stuff. I guarantee you, the Iraq war is real! I swear I’m not lying this time. Yes, the whole “Why we went into the war” was bullshit, but the war itself is real. As for the dewback and storm trooper in the background, well they’re fake. I captured Lucas and before I was about to execute him, he pleaded for his life and convinced me that the Iraq war was missing something, a certain je ne se qua if you will. He argued that what the war needed was some new heroes; storm troopers! Needless to say, he sold me on the idea (don't worry, I still executed him).

I even get my very own black cape and death star in the deal, through which I will vicariously complete Reagan’s lifelong dream, albeit posthumously. He would have wanted it this way.

Speaking of which, I think this is the weekend we can finally raise the flags back to full mast. Reagan would have wanted us to have moved on by this time. Ya know I half expected him to resurrect three days later and take his seat at the right hand of the father, but life can’t always be like in the movies.

I am sooo grounded...

Ah Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ! My mom found out I have a weblog, and she read it, and now my life is practically over. Mom found the site somehow and read the part about Laura being on the rag, and how I get erections while thinking about Condi at meetings and now she's in the hospital with symptoms of a stroke. Now my mind is racing to figure out if I wrote anything about doing coke, or whores.

As embarrassing as this is, it's not as embarrassing as the time she caught me masturbating in the Lincoln bedroom during Dad's presidency. In my rush to cover up I grabbed an original copy of the Emancipation Proclamation and used it as cleanup; I have to hear about that every Juneteenth, let me tell you.

Speaking of embarrassing, check out this...

(to be fair, I added the vote for Bush part, with the American flag)

Kerry tried catching a baby and inadvertently showed the world he couldn't catch, thus substantiating my entitlement to the thrown. Some people say that to be President of the United States, one needs to know the names of foreign leaders, the names of key foreign countries or the names of all 50 states. Well I might not be able to do all that, but I sure as hell can catch a friggin' baby if thrown at me, which in my opinion is as, if not more important.

George Lucas Best Start Running

The law is a funny thing. As President of the United States, I am still under the scrutiny of the law. If I j-walk, I get a fine. If I threaten to kill someone, I can be charged with a felony and serve jail time. But since the Death Penalty is legal, I can technically say "I want George Lucas executed," and not get in trouble for anything. In fact, funny thing about the law, I can have George Lucas executed, and since I'm the Commander and Chief of the most powerful military in the world, I can pretty much do whatever I want.

Sooo... for crimes against humanity, and for crimes against the Star Wars series, I hereby replace Osama Bin Laden with George Suckass as the number one Most Wanted man on the FBI's top ten list. There is currently a $25,000,000 reward for the capture or execution of said criminal.


(George Lucas at the next RNC if he doesn't shape up his act)

For those who haven't heard:
George Lucas digitally added in Jar Jar Binks into the original Star Wars series, along with Hayden Christensen and other crap. He also removed the ewok's song at the end of Return of the Jedi, which was my favorite part of all the Star Wars films. Now I personally haven't seen the new DVDs, but my friend Colin was bitching about it earlier, and I agree. Besides; Lucas is probably a Hollywood Liberal anyway, so one more dead celebrity equals one less vote for Kerry.

Now we got three wars waging in America thanks to me and my dad; a war on drugs, a war on terrorism, and a war on crappy remakes of classic films. Rest assured; America will not give in to the will of mad men with video cameras, massive egos and large budgets. Freedom will prevail.

Plus this pretty much means I can stop focusing so hard on the war on terror like I did on the war on drugs. If, say in another 2 years, I haven’t captured or killed George Lucas, I can always start a new war on something else and forget about this one. We Americans are suckers that way.

Two Easy Steps to Dodge the Draft (not that I'm planning on re-instating it... yet, muhaha)

I tried those new Crest Whitestrips the other day (product plug!) and all I got was a stomach ache. They went down fine, but round bout 15 minutes later I felt like throwing up – Price I pay for not taking the time to read warning labels/instruction manuals.

Finally got a Gmail account! Sonovabush@gmail.com

I gotta give the good people at Google my next war contract. They can help rebuild the infrastructure of Iran when I bomb the shit out of them. I suppose I’m getting ahead of myself because that’s not until after the election. Must be bad luck or something to start another war right before an election, everyone is telling me to hold my horses, but damn I just wanna get in there and knock down some more statues. Feels like my old frat days; except less draft dodging. Hehe, I kid, I didn’t dodge the draft, it dodged me.

But seriously, I can’t wait to start drafting kids again. But I bet just saying the word “draft” gets half the American people’s panties in a bunch. Really there is nothing to be worried about, if someone really does not want to fight there are ways to get around it like faking your own death, or you could kill an American, cause that’s illegal and will get you sent to jail for 3 years. Loopholes – you just gotta look for them! It’s the trickle down effect; if you don’t fight, someone else will be there to take your place. We got millions of poor kids who don’t have any futures, the military and this war is the best thing that will ever happen to them. They go to war, get injured, come back heroes with medals and bright futures of working at Wal-mart; and they have great management opportunities.

It’s the circle of life…

Ingonyama bagithi baba!
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama!!
Siyo Nqoba!
Ingonyama nengw’enamabala!!!

From the day we arrive on the planet
And blinking, step into the sun
There's more to be seen than can ever be seen
More to do than can ever be done!!

-Elton John and some African chick from the lion king


(one of my favorite films)

Hunting Trip

Yesterday I fulfilled a ten year long dream of hunting deer with an assault rifle.



Up until this week there was a ban on the sale of assault rifles because the liberals considered the practical use of them implausible. There are critics who say that hunting with an assault rifle is absurd; nobody in there right mind would do it. Well I got together with a bunch of the justices this weekend and we got our chance to prove them wrong. Hunting with assault rifles is not only an enormous amount of fun, but it is our God given right; handed down to us by our four fathers who in their infinite wisdom predicted the development of weapons with the power to knock down a whole heard of elk. This may be a leap, but I’m going to start working on legalizing the sale of rocket propelled grenades. In some places like Iraq and Iran, those things are legal! What freedom! I think I could seriously kill a heard of buffalo with a well positioned rocket propelled grenade.

Other than the hunting trip I didn’t get much done this weekend. Finally organized all my mp3s.

Oh, I did talk to my dad on the phone. He and mom are going to be stopping by my place sometime soon, which means I have to clean up. It’s not like the White House is a mess, it’s just that I know mom is going to be pointing out everything that’s wrong or different from how she’d like it. That also means me and Rummy can’t get too wasted for however long they stay over. That’s not a problem for me, I can control myself, but you put a bottle of booze anywhere near him and he goes from Donnie to Rummy in 2 seconds flat. Which brings me to a point; Rummy has a cool nickname; mine blows. You can’t change Bush to anything cool or funny unless it implies the female vagina. Which brings me to another point; all those lesbian protestors who get naked to protest “bush.” Do they have any idea how much I love that? Man, if I knew my controversial political views would get a bunch of lesbians naked back in my college days, I could have doubled the ass I got every week!

Art Dealers in the Park

A lot of people assume that because I’m from Texas, I wouldn’t understand or appreciate fine art. Well today I proved them wrong. I purchased two Edvard Munch pieces from a couple of Norwegian guys I met in Lafayette Park who said I was a perfect match for the paintings because they were so hard to move. They were right, those things weighed like 15 lbs each, and they were extremely bulky and awkward (they went so far as to say I was the only one who could move them; well I seriously doubt that, it was probably just flattery), but nonetheless I moved them.

I’m going to give them to this rib joint down in Crawford, Texas because they’ve always given me free ribs every time I’ve gone in. It’s actually a really classy place because the bar is in a separate area from most of the dinner tables and there is even a fire place and live country music on Ladies night. I think it will go nicely in the men’s room because the owner is always talking about how he wants to make that part of the restaurant presentable. Well here’s his chance, he’s going to be excited!

The best part about our deal is the Norwegians didn’t even want cash; they just wanted to have a private viewing of our Declaration of Independence. How lame is that? Well they seemed trustworthy, and it was such a killer deal, I had them made an extra set of keys to the National Archives. The Norwegians are good people; a simple folk, but decent people.

Conversation with a North Korean Dictator

Sometimes Kim makes me wish I was a North Korean Dictator

They Shut Off My Internet to Silence Me

Good news! I figured out a way to steal wireless internet! Wahoo! Just point my antenna out the Oval office window towards the Treasury Department and... Voila! Free internet! Best part about it is if they ever catch me downloading illegal music, the lawsuit gets sent to the Treasury – and they have a butt load of money so no worries.

Now, you might be saying, “Hey, Bush, you’re the president of the United Friggin States of America, most powerful man in the entire world; why do you need to steal internet?” Tom Ridge and National Security, that’s why! That sonofabiatch has been out to get me from day one, and I’ve just about put up with all the crap a man can take. He seriously needs to get up out of my grill before I beat his ass.

See the thing is he found out about my weBlog a little while back and has since then had a stick up his butt. He goes around telling people that I am endangering lives by discussing maters of States on the internet, and that this is a “childish endeavor” which can only lead to a breach of national security. Apparently on September 7th I accidentally released enough information on my weBlog post which would allow terrorists to decipher some of the nuclear launch codes, (I made a mental note to change the codes but had a brain fart, I’m human give me a friggin’ break!) blah blah blah, point of the story is, Tom Ridge has no right to read my Blog and then judge me on it. This is a private thing for friends and family or whoever, and he is abusing the privilege.

So the jackass shut off my internet to stop my weBlog. But what he doesn’t know is that I’m Bush baby! I’m invincible!

Mood: Mellow

I’ve been meaning to talk to her about this recently, but Condi’s got an unusually nappy kitchen. I don’t know if she’s just ignoring it like she doesn’t care, or if she just doesn’t realize it, but I get so distracted! I swear one of these days I’m just going to sneak up on her and shave it.

Other than that, I pretty much always get an erection when Condi starts talking. It’s something about her being so powerful that just turns me on. Don’t tell me none of you think power is sexy… cause it is. I want to do her while she launches nuclear missiles at other countries.

I don’t have these fantasies because I don’t love Laura, it is just that those meetings get so damn boring; I have to think about something. When things get heavy, my mind starts wondering and dick takes over. Hehe, I just thought of something funny to myself.

Today I purchased my very first slave...

Joining in the tradition of a dozen of my fellow US Presidents, I too am now a slave owner! I purchased my African from this website: http://www.worldvision.org/



My slave’s name is Denis, and he lives in Uganda.

This was actually Laura’s idea (and I thought she was against slavery!), she came to me and asked if I wanted to sponsor one, and at first I was a little hesitant, but once I saw the picture, I knew he would be a strong worker. Slavery is illegal in the States, but if you keep the child working in Africa, the World Vision people send us a check. At least that is how I suppose this arrangement works out; I leave that stuff up to Laura.

For just $30 a month, Laura and I sponsor this slave. Now $30 dollars might seem like a lot, but I estimate that if he works 12 hours a day for us, at a minimum wage of, let’s say $5, he would make us… $1,800 a month which equals… $21,600 a year! We only have to fork out $360 a year and in return we get this huge payoff!

Plus, you get the added bonus of knowing you’re helping someone else; that is priceless. I highly recommend sponsoring a child, the payout is awesome!

An apology...

In my haste to post a topic earlier today, I apparently inadvertently insulted a large number of my constituency in the South by indirectly calling them stupid (according to the emails I got). For that, I apologize; I would never intentionally insult someone who is going to vote for me.

The truth is we as a nation need slower minded people voting, and holding office. Imagine what things would be like if all voters/government officials were informed! Anarchy, people! A country of citizens voting on what was best for them, with disregard for looks, character and attitude (or as I have; bad-itude). Would you want Stephen Hawking as President, even if he was a genius? He’d probably spend more time solving the mysteries of the universe than he would invading other countries. How safe would our country really be if we had geniuses running it? I say, America, embrace your ignorance!


(the only way Hawking could invade Iraq)

So people of the South, my people, my brothers… I apologize. Solidarity in Stupidity!

Prezbush@email.com

Lately I've been getting a lot of, well what I would call, "negative" feedback in the emails people send me. Which is fine! But please, write responsibly and coherently.

I know a lot of you seem to have a problem with the content of this blog, or possibly my stance on gay rights, or even my handling of the war in Iraq. Whatever your beef is, there seems to be an overwhelming trend of illiteracy in America. Many of you are probably from the South where the education system has failed you. Believe me I know all about it, I can’t help but feel partially responsible! But that does not mean you are too dumb to use spell check.

I'm assuming if you're on the internet, you probably have a computer, and if that is true you can at least take the time to use spell-check. If I have assumed too much, please respond with an email to Prezbush@email.com. Also, positive feedback is greatly appreciated, and I usually respond faster.

George W. Bush, President ;)

Christmas tomorrow...

My Christmas comes early this year as the ten year ban on automatic assault weapons ends tomorrow!

But seriously, I can't wait to get my gun. I've had an AK-47 on back order for about 8 months now, and I hear the new TEC-9 improvements are awesome! You'd think that because I am the President of the United States of America, and Commander and Chief of the armed forces I would have access to any assault rifle I wanted, right? Well that's what I thought too, but the guy behind the counter at Wal-Mart disagreed.

Next weekend I get to go hunting in West Virginia with some of the Justices of the Supreme Court. Ginsburg wanted to go too, but I had to explain to her that she was a girl, and probably wouldn’t be able to hold an assault rifle properly. I was so embarrassed! Turns out Ruth is a dude. We both had a good laugh despite the awkward situation. He took it pretty well; I guess he gets that a lot. I feel bad for Clarence who has a thing for white women and supposedly had a drunken fling with Ruth at the Christmas party. I’ll have a talk with him later about that.


My old, crappy, non automatic, non assault weapon; good for hunting smaller animals like bear.

The whole Osama thing...

Ashcroft said I could pet Osama today. We keep him downstairs in the laundry room away from the tours through the White House. Ashcroft says we have to release him to the public in one month because of the election, so he is going to be transferred to a real prison pretty soon which is kind of a bummer. It has been three years, but we finally got him. I like it when the news reports talk about how poorly I’ve handled the war on terror seeing as I spent more time catching Saddam and it turns out he wasn’t even a threat to us, but they’ll all feel like total jerks when they find out I did catch the real threat.

If we have to put him down, I don’t want someone else killing him. He’s my arch nemesis, I’ll do it.

Why bother...

People think that because I'm the President I should always be happy, well it's all a façade . I haven't gotten anything done today. Pfft. So it goes. My mind is like a bunch of nothing. I haven't been up to much these days. Today was a complete loss.
Current Mood: :(

Is France retarded, or just the French?

I'm not sure who is responsible for this Hurricane Frances, but I can take a guess... I've always been famous for "Don't Mess with Texas;" a term I invented several years ago, but my brother is also famous for this little maxim; “Don’t Mess with Florida Either, Bitch.” A little crude, but nonetheless intimidating! The point is, whether or not France is directly involved in these hurricanes, you know Gosh Darn well that they are in favor of them.

Which brings me to my question, is France retarded, or just the French? Or is it that it's not just the French, but everyone. Sometimes I wonder how so many people can be so stupid all at the same time.

Kerry is a Douche Bag

Yesterday Kerry attacked my lack of attendance with the Air National Guard... is nothing sacred Mr. Kerry? Is nothing sacred? This coming from a man who only fought in Vietnam for like 6 months and only won like 3 purple hearts. Please, my grandmother won more purple hearts than that; God Bless that woman for fighting so passionately in Korea.

Another thing; I started two friggin’ wars! How many wars have you started Mr. Kerry? Your war record isn’t looking so strong anymore, my dear sir!

Finally, Kerry questioned his own government’s actions in Vietnam. Now, I don’t know about you, but I find that just downright un-patriotic. Mr. Kerry had no right to question the decisions made by our honorable President Nixon. Our Presidents aren’t just men, they are kings among men, and I’m not just saying that because I am a President. Do you think we just make mistakes Mr. Kerry? No, sir; Presidents don’t just make mistakes like regular people. Most every decision made by a President is the right decision. No, all decisions are the right decisions. Except Japanese Internment and that whole Slavery thing, some argue that was a mistake. Oh, also the Bay of Pigs, and infecting the homeless with Gonorrhea, that was a mistake. Ok, like 99 percent of presidential decisions are accurate. That’s not the point! Whether it was right to go into Vietnam is irrelevant, the war was just. All wars are just. Well most wars are just. Vietnam was just just.

My country right or wrong!

Also, Condi if you’re reading this we’re having a PJ party tonight in the third room on the left down the hall on the second floor next to the oval office. Bring your own pillow.

On My ipod: The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

Cleaned my room today, blah! It is kind of disturbing to sleep in a room that has been slept in by about 40 other dead white guys. While cleaning I found a used condom under the rug, and we all know who left that there... that slut Jefferson. Ah who am I calling a slut? I know if I had a hot slave girl I'd be sleeping with her too.

So funny story...
Every month I'm given a new set of 10 digit launch codes for our nuclear missiles (IE: 83-6927-7328), and yesterday I realized that there are 10 numbers in the launch codes, and 10 digits in a long distance phone number... soooo I thought it would be funny to get on my phone and see who I reach. Well it worked! I ended up calling some guy named Andrew Lawson in Seattle, Washington. Needless to say we both had a good laugh over the whole coincidence; he even told me he was honored to have a phone number which was a nuclear launch code.

He did, however, seem a little concerned and suggested I have them change this month’s launch code just as a precaution, which I absolutely agree with. I’ve got to remember to write that down in my palm pilot so I don’t forget to do that soon.

Smeared black ink... your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening to last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering
What’s buried underneath where I am?

-The Postal Service, the District Sleeps Alone Tonight

Dick Needs Braces.

That's better...

Haha, no this is better!

Ban Rock Climbing and Free Ice Cream...

Dick said it was time we came up with some new campaign issues to gather steam and rally the country behind the Republican Party. Banning gays, he said, was out of the question because the Queer Eye show is too popular, and because banning gays could have complications with the ACLU. Regardless, I’ve been bouncing a couple of these controversial issues back and forth in my head…

A Constitutional Commandment Banning Rock Climbing,
Our Tentative Logo (check out the sweet Photoshop skills):

Now hear me out… rock climbers are hippies and smoke pot… if we get rid of rock climbing, we get rid of rock climbers and in the process get rid of hippies and weed. I did a little research about rock climbers on www.rockclimbing.com and found out that they are extremely bored people without jobs. They also don’t wear shirts very often…
Climbers banned = better, safer America.

Free Ice Cream Day:

We spend 87 billion dollars to buy every American ice cream one day in the middle of summer. 87 billion being an arbitrary number which could fluctuate plus or minus 50 billion dollars depending on whether Americans prefer Dove bars over ice cream sandwiches.

Resegregation:
Like desegregation, but the opposite.

White House Reality TV:
Now I’m still toying with this idea, and it’s not perfect yet... The White House is retrofitted with over 100 TV cameras, along with a small number of video cameras strapped to small mammals which will be allowed to roam the White House compound… Over the course of sweeps week, American viewers would be able to see how whacky the White House really is, which, coincidentally enough is what I would call the TV show… This Whacky White House / Wild and Whacky White House / Whacky Whitey or something to that effect.

I’m looking forward to getting some feed back on the issues, and to find out which issue the American people would really like to get behind.

Another Ambush...

Well Camp David sucked. I got there and met with some leaders from other countries and turns out I didn't even get to spend the night. It was just meetings, no camping. Then to make matters worse, I get back on AIM to vent some anger to some of my friends and I get ambushed again by some so called "Friends."



Assholes.

Bill Clinton

It turns out Bill Clinton is having quadruple bypass surgery pretty soon, and last night on Larry King Live, Bill Clinton said this about me...

"Let me just say this: the Republicans aren't the only people who want four more years here,"

For the record, I never said I wanted him to live another four more years, he put those words in my mouth and totally took everything anyone said out of context. I have made it clear that I want four more years in office. I don't give a rats ass how his surgery goes despite what he says about me. Some people have no pride; they just lie, lie, lie all day long without regard for others. Anyway I sent him an email but he hasn't responded back yet.

On the plus side, Rummy says we're going to Camp David tomorrow! I got my sleeping bag out of the garage and I'm going to look for the tent as soon as dinner is over. Unfortunately I won't be able to keep everyone updated on how my week is going through this blog until Wednesday... :(

Welp, I hope nothing important happens while I'm gone, it'd suck to have to leave camp early or find out I have more work to do when I get back home. Until then - keep it reeaal real folks.

bad day

sometimes I hate myself so much I just want to cry...

Conversation with a French "President"

So I get on AIM for like the first time in a month and I'm just chattin' it up with some buds when out of no where I get ambushed by someone for whom I don't particularly get along with too well. Anyway, I saved the conversation so you can judge who was out of line...



for the record I had been blocking his French ass!

Blah!

So The Passion of the Christ came out on DVD today and I went out to Best Buy and got a copy along with My Dog Skip because it was on sale (good flick, too!). I liked Braveheart, and I loved Braveheart II - the one about the Civil War - but man, this is by far his bloodiest movie ever! I'm such a girl too cause I would always flinch when Mel Gibson dislocated his shoulder in the Beverly Hills Cop series, but daaaaammmnnn, there was so much blood in The Passion. Actually I saw the movie like 3 months ago; I downloaded it when it first came out in theaters cause I really wanted to see it but I wasn't about to pay $10.00 for a ticket! It's ok though, cause I downloaded it on George's computer (George Tenet, not George Me), and if the RIAA ever found out they'd track it back to him! Hahaha... Man you should see George's face when I do things like that to him! He actually had to resign once, but I told him he could crash at my place if he wanted to, and besides, he doesn't know it was me anyway.

Had a big speech today, went alright I thought, I always get real nervous just before a speech, and then afterwards I feel pumped (I actually had to tweek the speech a little because I didn't realize it was just an acceptance speech for the Republican party's nomination). I called Kerry right afterwards and talked about it and he says that he gets the same way! For all of our differences, we actually have a lot in common, especially cause we're both running for the same position. It's a shame we have to be such enemies because we were really tight before all this election stuff. A while back we had shirts made out that said "World's Greatest Grandpa" and "World's Greatest Grandson" and we'd wear them together whenever we went to the mall or wherever and people would always be like, "Wuuuaah?" It was hilarious, but now we don't wear them together anymore. I wonder if he's still got his.

Not cool dude...

I have a secretary of agriculture, commerce, justice, defense, labor, education, housing and urban development, state, energy, transportation, treasury, health and human services, interior, homeland security, and veterans affairs... and not one of them was able to correct my calendar to inform me that the election wasn't until November. All someone had to do was go into my office, open up my Garfield day calendar and mark down November 2nd, but no, I do it myself and I accidentally mark down September 2nd. Now I have to wait another 2 months, which is going to kill me! I had a hard enough time this week! Uhg! Why did we even have that damn convention if the election is so far away.

I'm just going to go home, make some tea and bite my pillow.

Election Day: T-minus tomorrow!

Tomorrow's the big day! I've got a new suit all picked out, and I'm going to wear a cowboy hat, and then I'm going to take the whole gang out to Red Robin's to celebrate! Oh lord I'll be happy when this is over. I couldn't sleep all last night because I was so giddy. To make this whole week worse, Laura's been on the rag which is not helping my anxiety. I talked to Tommy T. to see if he could recommend any pills I could slip into her drink to make her less cranky, but he told me that Laura has already gone through menopause and that she can't menstruate anymore. He thinks that because he's the secretary of health and human services he's soooo smart, so you know what I told him, "You try living with her then!" Zing! He's gonna think twice about offering up fake advice after a scorching comeback like that one.

Mood: Hopeful, a lil' irritated, excited, gassy, happy and glad