Sorry?

100 days and counting until I'm outta here.

Wow. 8 years. That's 8 years of my life I will never get back. I kind of regret signing up for this job; it was a soul sucker.

If you'll notice, the poll on the right shows I have a commanding lead over John McCain. But honestly - I don't think I could take 4 more years of me.

Sure, you could write me in on your ballot, but in the immortal words of the late great Danny Glover - I'm getting too old for this shit.

So who should you vote for? Well I don't know why you're asking me, honestly. But I'll give you my two cents (but I'm going to need that 2 cents back when you're done with it... what with the economy and all).

John McCain - old, and grumpy. Eh. Not a lot going on there.

Barrack Obama - possible terrorist, but has really good economic policies, a pretty decent tax plan, and a killer jump shot.

Bob Barr/Ron Paul - Go ahead, throw your vote away.

The problem with voting for John McCain is that he's got an idiot for a VP. So if he passes on (And trust me people at 72 you're pushing it), well then we're stuck with a whack job as president. Someone who can't control the insanity that spills from her mouth, who can't form a single coherent English sentence, and who doesn't even read a single paper. Hell people, even I read Mad Magazine once and a while!

The problem with voting for Barrack Obama is that he'll try to fix all the stuff I spent 8 years doing. Do we really want that? Think about what will happen to my legacy!

In conclusion: If you go to the polls on November 4th (it hasn't changed, has it?) think about all the accomplishments of my administration, and think about what would happen if he "changed" everything I did.

My Accomplishments:
Gas prices
The economy
The War in Iraq
The War in Afghanistan
The Environment
Torture
The National Debt
Tony Danza's Career
9/11
Spying on Americans
Global Credibility
Stopped Stem Cell Research
Airline Bailout
Located Bin Laden (narrowed down to 1 or 2 countries)
Unemployment
Privatized Military
Patriot Act

I haven't seen the trailer to the new movie about me coming out next week - but I'll be it will be good. Check it out!

How does a double amputee run in a senate race?

Poorly! HAHAHA.... cause she has no legs.

This weekend, Republican Peter Roskam stood up against one of the dirtiest tricks from a Democrat this year. If you haven’t already heard, the Dems put a female double amputee Iraq War veteran in a state congressional race in Illinois. How low can they get? What a cheap ploy! I mean, come on, we all know women can’t hold office!

But Republican Peter Roskam called their bluff and rightly asserted that Tammy Duckworth (the legless woman) was going to “cut and run” in Iraq. True story! He actually told the Iraq war vet she would cut and run with her prosthetic legs… man, even I don’t have balls that big! Damn! I mean, damn… I once hit a blind man with my car at a crosswalk and told him to watch where he was going, but damn! Cut and run… hahaha… Arguably, it would be a slow run, probably more of a crawl as she clawed her way across the sand, dragging two lifeless stumps behind her, but it would be a run nonetheless. Hahaha… *sigh,* had I known this war would have had such hilarious side effects, I would have started it earlier and with more countries.

Peter Roskam, you sir, are a gentleman and a scholar. Please, everyone, contact Peter Roskam and tell him how hilariously outrageous you think he is, and remind him to keep up the good work. Way to go Pete, you’ve taken politics to a new level!


(Just look at that smug sense of satisfaction oozing from his receding hairline; that's the look of a man who knows he's a class act politician.)

On a separate note, what do you think of the new blog look? I thought this administration could use a little shake up, so I'm starting with the blog and I'll work from there.

Children: Our Nation's Most Valuable Resource

Children really are our most valuable resource...

I never really appreciated the depth of this statement until I forced several of the brightest petroleum scientists from Exxon to explore the matter medically. Our children are rich in blood! Red Gold! Vampire Tea! Plasma!

For years, liberal politicians have been bullshitting their constituents with “children are this nation’s most valuable resource” garbage. As if children magically produced more kilojoules of heat energy than oil or coal, ha! But for once, the Democrats were finally right.

We're talking 50 dollars for a full head of hair, 200 dollars for a gallon of blood, and 800 dollars for a kidney! Just think about it, with 93,000 people on a waiting list for a kidney, my current ban on stem cell research, and a plasma shortage that borders on the absurd for a self proclaimed 1st world nation… our only solution is to roll into the ghettos with enormous armored ambulances disguised as ice cream trucks to harvest the weaker, poorer (ethnic) children!

I call this plan the NEW No Child Left Behind act. The OLD No Child Left Behind act failed miserably and left our schools in the worstest shape ever (my bad!). Naturally the most economical solution (and remember, I am an economic conservative) is to harvest their organs and reduce the enormous bureaucracy of our Public Schools. I guarantee you; our elite squadron of ex-navy seal organ-harvesting doctors will leave no child left behind. Not one.

You may say, "Hey, George, that sounds evil..."

Well yes. In a simultaneous announcement in conjunction with my "NEW No Child Left Behind” act, I will also be unveiling a comprehensive “NEW Axis of Evil” list. This one will include most nations, including America! We've been on the fence of evil for too long anyway, if we're going to catch the terrorists, we have to be evil like the terrorists (Cheney’s words, not mine). This way, our nation’s soldiers can regard the Geneva Convention as if it was written on toilet paper (little known fact; it actually was scrawled on high quality Charmin Ultra). No one can stop our terrorist torturing-fresh-out-of-high-school recruits, not even our courts!

Remember, we’re protecting our homeland from the terrorist so as to protect our children… and their precious, precious organs.


(Where you see a room full of future drop-outs, I see financial opportunity. While we're at it, we might as well collect from the teachers too.)

For an excellent commentary on the benefits of Organ Harvesting on the black market and the overall societal rewards, I recommend the Brazilian film Chronically Unfeasible.

On an entirely separate note… I need a kidney; if you are A positive, shoot me an email!

God damn anti-war neo-nazi skinhead democrats

I’ve got the distinct feeling there is too much partisanship going on lately. Look at the news on any given day and you’ll see divisive issues tearing this country apart, and it seems to be down party lines.

I for one, have been doing my best (particularly on this blog) to reconnect Democrats and Republicans through open discussion and mature dialogue – take a look at any of my previous posts and you’ll see what I mean.

But leave it to the Democrats (or should I say, Demolition-crats… no, that’s not even really very funny) to attempt to destroy any bipartisan efforts made by our convivial Republican brethren. One of the latest examples of their irresponsible partisan behavior was when they rallied together to block our Republican attempts to keep minimum wage at Wal-Mart low levels! In the process of fighting for an absurd cause like raising the minimum wage, they stalled important legislation that would have increased congress’ pay.

Did you know that congressmen make less than the average-minimum wage of a dictator from a corrupt third world country? Appalling isn’t it? We’re talking about subsistence-luxury living in the mansions of Washington, DC.

My point is their partisan actions have put them more in line with Nazis than Americans. That’s right, I said it. Democrats partisanship has made them worse than Nazis. Donnie Rumsfeld was right to go out on a limb last week and compare Americans who spoke out against the Iraq war to Nazi sympathizers. And if the Democrats (or should I say, Demon-crats? Is that really even better or did I make it worse?) don’t hop on board the bipartisan movement… well then, they’re worse than Hitler.

During WWII, Hitler was opposed to invading Iraq because it was, and I quote, “No threat (to Germany), particularly during a time when (Germany) was involved in so many other conflicts around the globe.”

Sound familiar? I hear the distinct echo of dove Democrats (or should I say, the demogaogues… actually I’m not completely sure I know what that word means, so let’s just leave it at democrats).

So if you’re opposed to the War in Iraq, then you might as well vote for the Third Reich party this year, because that’s what Hitler would have wanted. No war in Iraq.

(Anti-war neo-nazi skinhead Democrats at the Democratic National Convention, espousing their biggoted message of non-violence)

Why Comcast is Quite Possibly the Most Evil and Corrupt Organization in the History of Things, and Why I, a Loyal Customer Keep Falling for their Lies

Why is it that we Americans faithfully return like an abused puppy or a bruised girlfriend to the source of all our troubles? Why is it that we remain so loyal to a Group Of Pricks that repeatedly abuses our trust (probably intentionally)?

I’m talking about Comcast of course. Every year they promise to lower rates, and provide better, less complicated service. Instead, they sucker you in with low promotional rates, and then they crush you with charges and hidden rate hikes at every corner. And they say they’re about small business, and they say they are less intrusive in our every day lives than the competition. Yet they’ll figure out any and every reason to barge into your house to “check your modem,” or they will monitor your internet downloading activities and allow the RIAA to catch you downloading a shitty (can I repeat shitty?) version of Snakes on a Plane which was obviously filmed in a theater and sucked anyway. I digress.

My point is; they are the opposite of everything they say they are. They aren’t small. They aren’t committed to my privacy. Their rates are awful after the first month. And they definitely aren’t telling me the truth, EVER. Yet I come back to them, time and time again.

Every time I cancel my internet subscription and vow “Never again,” and every time I return. It’s like I’m sadomasochistic.

My friends always rave about their internet service, and what a great job they are doing and how they never have outages or hidden fees. I should just switch over, but instead, I defend my STUPID decision like a stubborn ass.

“Oh, I’ve never had them charge me for a modem I didn’t order.”

Or

“Oh, Comcast has pretty fair prices, and they’re committed to decreasing my monthly bill.”

Or

“Oh, Comcast has never put its penis in my rectum and committed acts of forced sodomy.”

I lie. I lie to cover up my mistakes, and my repeated subservience to a Group Of Pricks who do not have my best interests in my mind.

Can anyone tell me why we Americans so readily swallow their semenesque lies despite the fact it’s not in our best interests?

(The shadowy figure of the man from Comcast who came to take my money, but left with my dignity.)

V-DAY!

Al-Zarqawi is dead! We did it! We beat the war on terror!

Man, thank Jesus that’s over.

Jimmy Hoffa Found, Reunited with Family

I wake up in the morning, flip it to Fox News and am immediately barraged with a sea of bad news and slanderous opinions typical of the liberal media at that station. They’re always on my back about our intelligence capabilities. Sure, Fox News has never publicly denounced any of our wiretapping or phone trolling operations, and sure, they’ve even gone so far as to defend it as a necessary evil in our nation… but they chose to report it when they could have just looked the other way. Homocommiejizzbags.

But finally! The pinko queers in charge of the liberal media at FOX have finally begun reporting on something our intelligence community actually did right!

Now the FBI hasn’t divulged all the facts yet, and I don’t want to be premature here… but I feel like a teen again, with my hand down the panties of America and I can’t stop myself from secreting the trut… OOHHH GOD! WE FOUND HIM! WE FOUND JIMMY HOFFA! Ohhh lord, does anybody have a Kleenex?

Yes, 31 years after his disappearance, the FBI got to the bottom of Jimmy Hoffa’s case. Well, not officially, but he is as good as found. Watch out Mr. Number 1 on the FBI’s most wanted… we’re starting from the bottom and working our way up the list to crack all those unsolved crimes. Who is number 1 on that list anyway? Is it still MLK?

(Now that the riddle of Hoffa�s body has been solved, the FBI is seeking information on the where-abouts of members of the Showaddywaddy gang in attempts to finally uncover who put the bop in the bop-sh-bop-sh-bop. Have you ever seen a more suspicious looking group? My bet is we�ll have the black guy in prison in less than 24 hours.)

If George Clooney is mad, it MUST be important

A lot of people have been asking me to "please do something about the genocide in Darfur." But what can I do? They're in an entirely different country on what I suspect is an entirely different continent. And I'm just one man... one. man. Believe me, I wish we could just go over there, stop the genocide, and then install a democracy, but that's not what we do!

The best strategy is to sit back and wait until the time is right and all those Sudanese boys are dead. Then, several years after that when the Sudanese government has started to cooperate with the UN, and the President has reformed his ways... we strike. Then dig up the mass graves, promise never again, and try the President in a mock trial until he has a heart attack and dies of old age.

Some of you may be saying to yourselves, "Hey, that's just dumb." But I argue it is the most politically advantageous action we can take to assure a majority seat holding in the senate in 10 years.

The President of Sudan will be sitting in his spiderhole many years from now saying, "What the truck? Why did they strike now?" He'll be totally confused. And that's the best form of revenge.

We need to send a message to the evildoers that if you commit a crime, we might not stop you, but we sure as hell will not forget your atrocities during the next midterm election.

(normally this is where I put a hilariously photoshopped image of the Sudanese President doing something whacky… but this shit is just too depressing to mock. Instead, please enjoy Davy the upside turtle.)

(it beats the crap out of what's going on in Sudan)

Oh, and for all of you bitching about Darfur and the lost boys, quit your crabbing. Sudan sucks, but it ain't even the worst place in Africa... besides, shouldn't you be worried about your gas prices or something important like that?

Land of the Free and Home of the Afraid of Everything

I believe it was the late great Richard Nixon who said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Well that’s bullshit. Here is a list of things the government thinks you should be afraid of:

Iraqis
Terrorism
Homosexuals
Immigrants
Losing shit job to illegal immigrants
Other Americans
Zombie Jesus
Taxes
Terrorists
Intellectuals
Terrorists posing as intellectuals
New Yorkers
Coloreds
God’s Wrath
Terror
Zombie aborted fetuses
Rock and/or Roll
Rap
Gangs, but not guns
The sex out of wedlock
Tainted moral fiber
SAN FRANCISCO

Some say the Republican Party has turned America into a bunch of whimpering paranoid pussies, but I like to think we’ve made the American people more aware of the unheard of dangers that lurk in every single shado - LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! Hehe, just keeping you on your toes. Remember this country is not, and never has been safe from anything ever. Don’t let the democrats convince you that you shouldn’t be afraid, because if you aren’t, the - OH MY GOD YOU’RE GOING TO DIE! Scared yet?

I'm on my knees!

Remember when you were in college and you had to call your mom up and ask for rent money? And she would say, “but I already gave you rent money this month, you need to stop spending it on beer!” And you would say, “Yea, but Mom, I’m so coked out of my mind right now, and I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t score some more white gold!” And she would say, “But that’s not what our hard earned money is for, plus you’re going to ruin your father’s chances at political office if you keep snorting up every last dime!” And you would say, “But mom, I’m already 15 grand in the hole and some guy named Mad Dog is going to ‘have intercourse with my excrement’ if I don’t get him the cash I owe him.” And she would say “Don’t use that language with me, how in God’s infinite mercy did you grow up in such a white neighborhood with that mouth?” And on and on and on…

Universal story, we’ve all been there. So you have to know how I feel when I say I made a mistake and invaded the wrong country and I need more money.

Iran ADMITS to trying to make WMDs, and now I feel like shit for making you guys spend all your time going over to Iraq back when we only THOUGHT they had WMDs. I was wrong; it takes a big man to admit that. Well, I’m not officially admitting guilt… once again I remind any reporters reading this blog that it is for friends and family only! These little posts should not be taken as actual White House policy. Ha! Lord if they did… Seriously, if I admit I’m wrong in Iraq, then people would want to pull out of there…

For the record: It is imperative that another President is forced to pull out of Iraq so I can save face. Come on, give me a break, I’ve been through enough in this presidency; it wouldn’t be fair to make me take the blame for losing this war and sending that poor nation into civil war. How could they even have a civil war! They don’t even own slaves!

To reiterate: Come on man! Help a brother out. Don’t stick me with this! I wanted to go down in the history books as the guy who didn’t screw up!

(How the history books would read if I wrote them)

Responsible Spending

You ever see Richard Pryor in that movie Brewster’s Millions and think to yourself, “Man how in the world would I spend 30 million dollars in 30 days? That’s a million dollars a day!” Well I’ve officially spent 1.5 million dollars a day on PR alone since 2003! I rock!

You know how Super Bowl commercials cost a million dollars? I’ve made it Super Bowl Sunday everyday for 3 years! I totally rock!

John Candy was in Brewster’s Millions… for 1.6 billion dollars I could have invented some technology to bring him back from the crypt to go around telling everybody what a cool dude I am, but instead we wasted it trying to sugar-coat a bunch of shit that I’m not ashamed of. Like when we got rid of all the poor people in New Orleans, or when we shot that dude, or when we lied about WMDs… that takes skills! I rock so hard!

Man, a zombie John Candy would totally rock even harder… I get the feeling he would be way worth his money compared to that chubby S.O.B working for me now.

(Now I would pay 1.6 billion dollars to see that any day. Look out Scott! Someone wants your job!)

Revision - He's not dead.

Um, don't read my last post - I just checked the news and it is irrelevant now. Basically I forgot to mention that I wasn't anywhere near the incident, and I had nothing to do with it, I swear. Also, I have decided to move back to the White House. On a side note, does anybody know how to delete old posts from a blog?

Cheney Killed a Guy!

Oh God, Oh God! We’ve pulled some crazy shit in the past, but this is messed up!

I don’t have time to detail the entire event, cause I’m kind of in Mexico right now in a touristy internet café, but basically we were hunting and this bird pops up and Dick Cheney shot at it, and now our hunting partner is dead. I heard a shot, I heard a scream and I saw blood; lots and lots of blood. We didn’t stick around, we just saw the guy go down and then we booked it!

I have never run so fast in my life! The whole time I was thinking, “just don’t look back, keep running from this place until people forget your name,” and by the time I regained my senses we were more than a mile from where we killed the guy. By then we both knew it was too late and he had probably bled to death, so I told my pilot I had some urgent business in Tijuana and now I’m here.

Man this sucks! I really liked having power and stuff too. I guess since Cheney and I have fled the country that puts Dennis Haster and that crazy bastard Ted Stevens from Alaska in office. Horse shit! If people thought we were incompetent, just you wait.

Balls! I guess I better brush up on my Español.

(This is me working at my new seasonsal job for Signor Melquiades Estrada. I don't think I even need to mention why this is ironic)

Hosni Mubarak Hates Brown People

Citizens. I swear to Gawd! You let a thousand of them drown in a national tragedy and they all of a sudden hate you, what’s the deal with that? I can totally relate to Egyptian President Mubarak right now, he must be feeling the pressure from those fickle pricks ever since that ferry tipped and about a thousand people died. To make matters worse, the captain of the ship was totally incompetent and fled the scene in the first lifeboat available… and just guess who the captain was… just guess!

(not me Jackass, the guy in the captain's hat trying to figure out where on the map he sunk his boat)

Former FEMA director, Brownie. I just knew appointing a man with a history of incompetence and zero experience behind the helm of a ferry was a mistake. But that is the price you pay for getting elected into office, you have to shell out the “spoils of war” to the people who helped you get elected… Then, when they screw up, you have to appoint them to a lower position overseas where the only people they can harm are foreigners.

Now before you get your panties in a bunch America, I just want you to remember… September 11^th. Remember what I did after September 11^th? Or have you forgotten?...

Wait, what did I do after September 11^th… I invaded Afghanistan and killed Osama… or wait, did I kill him? I forget now… I united the country! Or did it just kind of get united and patriotic on its own… I invaded Iraq… but I really don’t think we should bring that up right now… I’ve got it! I took away our Civil Liberties! And you haven’t seen a single terrorist attack since!

Except for that whole DC Sniper thing, and the anthrax thing, and the kid flying into the plane thing, and the series of attacks on embassies and US and UK interests overseas… well nuts. Why do people like me? Wait, I’m totally responsible for that thing where the guy was going to choke on a pretzel and die, and I stepped up and saved the day! If I can save just one life, then I have made it all worth it.

Oh, and if you think of anything else I did, please post a comment. I need someone to start writing this stuff down.

Can you blame me?

Who does Cindy Sheehan think she is? My secret service guys had to arrest her just before my State of the Union address because she was wearing an anti-war T-Shirt. I’m sorry, but you can’t just go around saying and doing and thinking whatever you want! A democracy isn’t about dissent, and angry grieving mothers defending their right to speak!

Democracy is about the pomp and circumstance of a speech! It’s about traditions, like wearing a suit and a tie, standing, applauding, sitting down again, and being a white male.

Now I don’t purport to know everything… haha, Lord knows I’m not the brightest cookie in the tool shed, hell, I barely passed my Harvard entrance exam. Well hell, now that we’re being honest, I barely got through Harvard. To be really honest, there are a number of professors who are better off today than they were before they met me simply because I needed a passing grade in some Podunk general education requirement course!

God it feels good to be honest once and a while!

Well I completely forgot what I was talking about, but when it comes down to it, what more is there to say? Throwing her in jail for expressing her first amendment right is not illegal. The real crime would have been letting a woman with a face like a a slapped donkey be seen on television at the State of the Union. I did my part for my country.


(I don't mean to be mean or anything but... WOOF)

Are you offended yet?

You know who I hate? The army reservists. They bitch even more than women! In some cases they are women! And just for that, I have decided to cut their budget. Why would I do that? Cause I’m a dick? No. Because I can, and to teach them a lesson.

“But we don’t have enough money to begin with!”

Well cry me a river girly girls. You should have signed up for the military because you love your country, not for the pay. Wait, you do love your country right?

“Oooh, but I’ve been in Iraq for more than a year.”

I don’t want to hear it, if I did, I would hold frank and honest discussions with key members of the military, but I don’t cause that’s how I roll. For instance, the other day the Pentagon tried to tell me that troop levels were dangerously low and that the army was at risk of having a “broke back." You know what I said? I told em straight.

“Screw you queers! I don’t want anything to do with homosexual cowboys in the military no matter how low troop levels get!”

Which brings me to another point… what’s with the 82nd airborne? Did you hear about how they posed for nude pictures on a gay website? I tell ya, I lost all respect for them right there. Sure, they risk their lives in battle conditions I’ve never witnessed and done braver things than all the straight guys I know, but come on. Sex in the butt is only for wimps. Real men have sex in another hole, because it is manly. Thank God I have the manly courage to stand up and discredit them in front of the whole nation, then give them a dishonorable discharge.

Annnnnd another thing! Did you hear about how Washington State passed a law that says you can’t discriminate against homosexuals in the work place? Does that mean the army has to stop discriminating against Washington troops too? I don’t think it is fair to hold the government to the same strict guidelines that, for instance, the good workers at Starbucks are held too. A barista there can make upwards of 8.25 an hour (minimum wage)! The government would be out of business if we paid our social workers or teachers that kind of dough!

To conclude, the only ones to blame for poor results in Iraq are the troops, and not the brave souls who planned the invasion. Plus, with the extra money I’ll save from cutting troop funding, I’ll be able to partially pay for the reinforcement of security at the White House in preparation for the Easter Egg Roll which the homosexuals plan on crashing.


(this is what the White House Easter Egg Roll would look like if we let the queers from the 82nd airborne and their families participate)

Excuses, excuses, excuses...

I have a good excuse for not posting in over a month... I was at Crawford - tons of brush to clear. That, and I've got tons of shit to cover up.

Hollywood's idea of wasting billions of dollars: A movie with no end.

I rented Batman Begins last night, that new batman movie with Christen Bale, and excuse me, but I don’t understand why everyone thinks batman is such a stand up dude. He rampages through a city destroying everything in his path just to bring to justice one insane criminal.

ONE insane criminal who killed maybe, I dunno, like a couple hundred people. But he didn’t even kill them onscreen, his cronies killed them offscreen. His cronies! In the process of bringing this insane criminal to justice, Batman probably murdered, I dunno, I’m going to take a wild guess here, maybe like, 30,000 people! That estimate may even be low, it’s not the point. The point is; what good is a superhero if he destroys cities and accidentally kills the people he’s trying to protect?

The movie is retarded, it is so fictional it makes me want to puke. That stuff couldn’t happen in real life, it’s not even remotely grounded in reality. If an insane vigilante do-gooder tried to bring insane criminals to justice with a kill ratio like Batman’s, he’d be strung up by the neck and dragged through the streets. The movie is just retarded. And it had no end! If a movie is going to suck, it should at least suck quickly.

Thank god its fiction.

('the tumbler' - Batman's ridiculously over-armored, ridiculously overpriced car of choice terrorizing the streets of Gotham City in Christian Bale's new action packed thriller Batman Begins.)

CIA report: Castro likely has Parkinson’s

One down, 34 dictators to go! At this rate, I could completely dismember the axis of evil in… one or two generations!

Now you may be saying, hey, Georgie-boy, it is highly unlikely you infected Castro with a disease which isn't contagious. You’d be wrong, stupid. The CIA has been trying to knock off that bastard for some 40 odd years now, and finally the sweet taste of revenge is in our grasps!

I’ve also infected Osama bin Laden with the debilitating brain disease, and in 30 to 40 years he should start showing symptoms, and after that, it’s only a matter of time before he’s dead! Sure, the Cold War is over, and in all likelihood the War on Terror will be over by the time Osama kicks off, but the point is he’ll be dead. These kinds of things take time; you don’t want to rush revenge.

Enemies of America beware! Like Castro, you too will be brought to justice. In time.

Ethics in the White House

I sent out a memo this Friday to everyone at the White House instructing them to attend Ethics Classes in light of the recent high-level indictments at the White House, and I made it very clear in the memo there will be, “No exceptions.” Well, except for me. And Laura. And my dog Barney. That’d just be ridiculous (yet adorable)! Can you imagine! A dog, taking ethics classes! Ha! Adorable!

On a totally unrelated note, can anybody give me an example of irony? I've got this bet with this friend and we're trying to come up with the most ironic thing we can possibly think of, so if anybody stumbles upon an ironic situation or news event, please forward it along to me.

xoxo,
The President