Thursday, August 31, 2006

Why Comcast is Quite Possibly the Most Evil and Corrupt Organization in the History of Things, and Why I, a Loyal Customer Keep Falling for their Lies

Why is it that we Americans faithfully return like an abused puppy or a bruised girlfriend to the source of all our troubles? Why is it that we remain so loyal to a Group Of Pricks that repeatedly abuses our trust (probably intentionally)?

I’m talking about Comcast of course. Every year they promise to lower rates, and provide better, less complicated service. Instead, they sucker you in with low promotional rates, and then they crush you with charges and hidden rate hikes at every corner. And they say they’re about small business, and they say they are less intrusive in our every day lives than the competition. Yet they’ll figure out any and every reason to barge into your house to “check your modem,” or they will monitor your internet downloading activities and allow the RIAA to catch you downloading a shitty (can I repeat shitty?) version of Snakes on a Plane which was obviously filmed in a theater and sucked anyway. I digress.

My point is; they are the opposite of everything they say they are. They aren’t small. They aren’t committed to my privacy. Their rates are awful after the first month. And they definitely aren’t telling me the truth, EVER. Yet I come back to them, time and time again.

Every time I cancel my internet subscription and vow “Never again,” and every time I return. It’s like I’m sadomasochistic.

My friends always rave about their internet service, and what a great job they are doing and how they never have outages or hidden fees. I should just switch over, but instead, I defend my STUPID decision like a stubborn ass.

“Oh, I’ve never had them charge me for a modem I didn’t order.”

Or

“Oh, Comcast has pretty fair prices, and they’re committed to decreasing my monthly bill.”

Or

“Oh, Comcast has never put its penis in my rectum and committed acts of forced sodomy.”

I lie. I lie to cover up my mistakes, and my repeated subservience to a Group Of Pricks who do not have my best interests in my mind.

Can anyone tell me why we Americans so readily swallow their semenesque lies despite the fact it’s not in our best interests?


(The shadowy figure of the man from Comcast who came to take my money, but left with my dignity.)

3 comments:

Beelzebabe said...

The internets are expensive. Try subscribing to only one. I thought Jesus would have told you this?

Danny said...

Some people like getting fucked in the ass.

David Roman said...

You should sign up with Homer Simpson, he sells the interweb