Sunday, February 27, 2005
Secret Service keep choosing retarded codenames
Personally I find it insulting that they won’t listen to my ideas for codenames; Megatron, Eagle One, Deepthroat or Blue Velvet are perfectly acceptable/cool names which sound even cooler over the walkie talkies. “Apparently” all of those names are reserved for other members of our parliament, but I think they’re just using that as an excuse because they are afraid to admit I am right.
Deepthroat, over and out.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Bumper Stickers; self expression or retardation?
Those people just really piss me off. And not even because they hate our troops, but because they think they’re somehow making a difference by declaring to the world their sentiments towards soldiers through the medium of a friggin’ bumper sticker!
Ok we get it, you hate our troops, la-de-friggin’-da, now watch while I cut you off asshole. Seriously, you white trash, rednecked, gun-totting, sister-marrying, inbreeds can blow it out your exhaust pipes, because you know what? You’re not doing anything! You’re not supporting or undermining anybody! You’re just ruining a perfectly good F-350 “Super-Duty” bumper.
Then those morons make it a contest to see who “hates the troops more,” by seeing how many ribboned stickers they can jam onto their bumper. Just because you have 4 of them running across the back of your car does not mean you are the most unpatriotic American out there, it just makes you the dumbest.
As President, I approve this rant.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Is nothing sacred to the terrorists?
(forensic scientists have analyzed the letter and identified 4 pieces of evidence that link the letter to Osama – the handwriting, the reference to 9/11, the Anthrax which is a rare strain found primarily in the Afghani regions suspected of harboring Osama, and he wrote his name on the bottom)
The only reason I’m not dead is because my secretary has been stealing candy from my desk for months, and I mistakenly accused Colin, effectively locking him out of the Oval Office, and locking her in. Just like the old tale of the farmer and the hungry rabbit! Needless to say she’s dead. Though, to be fair, she was being kind of a dick.
Tuesday, February 08, 2005
On my ipod - N.E.R.D.
Relocation:
Pros – they’re out of my way
Cons – they’re in someone else’s
Extermination:
Pros – they’re gone for good
Cons – semi-illegal, also disposal issues
Out-Reach Programs:
Pros – (nothing comes to mind, I’ll try to think of something later)
Cons – money, we all know the US government doesn't use money it doesn’t have
Then it dawned on me… what do hobos love least? Answer: being ridiculed and beaten unmercifully at the hands of police guided robots!
(This is an artist’s rendering [my rendering] of what the new state of the art Anti-Hobo Robots will look like in the process of beating and ridiculing the homeless…)
The hardest part of beating and ridiculing the homeless is locating them, that is why we will stage mock canned food drives to draw them close enough so that we can beat and ridicule them. I have also set aside several million dollars in US aid money to build homeless shelters, so that on cold winter nights the homeless can come to rest in our facilities, where we will then proceed to lock the doors and unmercifully beat and ridicule them.
The future is here...
Thursday, February 03, 2005
The Gay Conspiracy
I'll be the first to admit it, but this is extremely petty even for us Republicans. In a complete reversal of my staunchly anti-homosexual record, I’m taking a stand with Sponge Bob on this one...
He’s here, he’s square, get used to it.
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Iraq, or as I like to call it; Little America
(the Red represents districts where I had strong support, the Blue represents a district where any one of the other 723 candidates had strong support and/or violence was too strong to hold elections, and the Green represents districts showing strong support for the Rev. Al Sharpton)
Wow, I mean wow, this is seriously just amazing! I don’t know how I’m going to manage my time between