Jimmy Hoffa Found, Reunited with Family

I wake up in the morning, flip it to Fox News and am immediately barraged with a sea of bad news and slanderous opinions typical of the liberal media at that station. They’re always on my back about our intelligence capabilities. Sure, Fox News has never publicly denounced any of our wiretapping or phone trolling operations, and sure, they’ve even gone so far as to defend it as a necessary evil in our nation… but they chose to report it when they could have just looked the other way. Homocommiejizzbags.

But finally! The pinko queers in charge of the liberal media at FOX have finally begun reporting on something our intelligence community actually did right!

Now the FBI hasn’t divulged all the facts yet, and I don’t want to be premature here… but I feel like a teen again, with my hand down the panties of America and I can’t stop myself from secreting the trut… OOHHH GOD! WE FOUND HIM! WE FOUND JIMMY HOFFA! Ohhh lord, does anybody have a Kleenex?

Yes, 31 years after his disappearance, the FBI got to the bottom of Jimmy Hoffa’s case. Well, not officially, but he is as good as found. Watch out Mr. Number 1 on the FBI’s most wanted… we’re starting from the bottom and working our way up the list to crack all those unsolved crimes. Who is number 1 on that list anyway? Is it still MLK?

(Now that the riddle of Hoffa�s body has been solved, the FBI is seeking information on the where-abouts of members of the Showaddywaddy gang in attempts to finally uncover who put the bop in the bop-sh-bop-sh-bop. Have you ever seen a more suspicious looking group? My bet is we�ll have the black guy in prison in less than 24 hours.)

If George Clooney is mad, it MUST be important

A lot of people have been asking me to "please do something about the genocide in Darfur." But what can I do? They're in an entirely different country on what I suspect is an entirely different continent. And I'm just one man... one. man. Believe me, I wish we could just go over there, stop the genocide, and then install a democracy, but that's not what we do!

The best strategy is to sit back and wait until the time is right and all those Sudanese boys are dead. Then, several years after that when the Sudanese government has started to cooperate with the UN, and the President has reformed his ways... we strike. Then dig up the mass graves, promise never again, and try the President in a mock trial until he has a heart attack and dies of old age.

Some of you may be saying to yourselves, "Hey, that's just dumb." But I argue it is the most politically advantageous action we can take to assure a majority seat holding in the senate in 10 years.

The President of Sudan will be sitting in his spiderhole many years from now saying, "What the truck? Why did they strike now?" He'll be totally confused. And that's the best form of revenge.

We need to send a message to the evildoers that if you commit a crime, we might not stop you, but we sure as hell will not forget your atrocities during the next midterm election.

(normally this is where I put a hilariously photoshopped image of the Sudanese President doing something whacky… but this shit is just too depressing to mock. Instead, please enjoy Davy the upside turtle.)

(it beats the crap out of what's going on in Sudan)

Oh, and for all of you bitching about Darfur and the lost boys, quit your crabbing. Sudan sucks, but it ain't even the worst place in Africa... besides, shouldn't you be worried about your gas prices or something important like that?