'If you're not with me, you're my enemy…’

Ok, I don’t want to be nit picky, but that is my line! I am clearly the originator of that line, so when I was watching the third and final Star Wars this weekend in my massive underground movie theater below the White House, I was shocked to hear Darth Vader basically plagiarize from my war speeches. George Lucas, what are you trying to do? Are you trying to suggest that my speeches to the senate are as trite and hackneyed as the dialogue from your film? Or are you just so lazy you couldn’t come up with anything better to say?

Seriously, the odds of that line being symbolic of something are pretty slim, because I’ve thought and thought and thought about the Galactic Empire’s quest for control over the galaxy and their misguided attempts to bring democracy and freedom to the world, and I don’t see any parallels. Only plagiarism.

So, Lucas, if you’re reading this, I want credit where credit is due. Darth Vader’s awesome dialogue belongs to my speech writers.

Also, most of R2-D2’s dialogue was stolen from my speeches.

The Moral Game!

Do your morals fall in line with those of the Republican Party? If you said “Maybe, I dunno I didn’t really think about it, but I suppose they very well could,” or something similar, than take the Moral Game Challenge!

I will show you 4 pictures, and of those 4 pictures, you choose which one has a right to life, and which one does not.

A.) An Iraqi

B.) A Criminal

C.) A baby

D.) Queers


The correct answer was C.), the baby. The baby has a right to life because it is too young to make mistakes like an Iraqi, a Criminal or a homosexual. Remember, according to the Republican Party Code of Morals (the RPCM) and our Lord Jesus Christ; every life is sacred, until it makes a mistake, and then it is acceptable to kill it. God would do the punishing of the wicked for us, but in this fast paced age of information and technology, he is just too busy – so it is up to the government to decide who should live and who should die.

Georgia On My Mind?

So I just got back from visiting Georgia this weekend. Man alive! They are a bunch of backwater inbred hicks. I knew there were states out there that were below what I consider, ya know, intelligent, but they were the kind of states you don’t talk about and pretend aren’t there. Nebraska for instance. Nebraska is well meaning and good natured, but let’s face it, Nebraska ain’t gonna win no spelling contest.

Now that’s not to say Nebraska doesn’t have a lot to offer our great nation. Like landmass. Nebraska adds to the overall landmass of America and contributes to our statistical size in relation to other countries, so that’s nice. What else? Well I’m sure you could go on all day listing amazing facts like that, but the point is… what is the point? The point is Nebraska is dumb but not as dumb as Georgia. Georgia is so dumb they don’t even speak English. That’s right! They don’t even speak our own damn language!

California is understandable, with a mixed population of native born Americans and Latinos, a bilingual society makes sense. But Georgia is on the friggin’ interior of our damn country and borders nothing but water! It would make slightly more sense if they spoke mermaid, but we all know mermaid is a dead romance language and still would make little sense in this scenario.

And another thing! Why the hell did we have to fly for 14 hours to get to Georgia? My pilot must be from Georgia, because he’s the dumbest truck I’ve ever met if it took him 14 hours to fly south three states. And another thing, is Mikhail Saakashvili an idiot or an asshole? Cause he keeps addressing himself as President of Georgia. I can’t tell if he’s trying to piss me off, or if he’s that dumb that he doesn’t know he’s the governor. Idiots!

Send Food!

I’m so hungry right now - I would eat a cow if it walked into the oval office, died, was ground into small portions, cooked, and then placed between two buns. I’ve basically been on my own since Laura went out of town, and let me just tell you the state of the Union is hungry. Who would have guessed that placing top ramen into a bowl of water and heating in the microwave was so damn complicated? Those Chinese are cleverer than they look. I’m sorry, that was offensive. Those Chinese-Americans are cleverer than they look.

(A breakdown of what I've resorted to eating since Laura left.)

Papa!

Oh Pope. If you’re so infallible, why are you dead? Just throwing that out there.

In all seriousness though, I understand the gravity of the situation, and I don’t want to poke fun at a man who will be remembered, if for nothing else, than for his treasure map which he bestowed upon me from the grave. Without giving away too much, let me just tell you how I stumbled upon his posthumous puzzle.

I was genuflecting before the Pope’s lifeless corpse when I instinctively noticed something peculiar. His hat was unusually shaped, much too much like an arrow, and not enough like a hat. It wasn’t long before I was ripping through the priceless art work cleverly positioned to disguise the location of the treasure map. Needless to say, the Holy Father understood that the layperson would be too dull witted to notice such a clever marker, but was aware that I would be attending his funeral and would easily crack the enigma.

Though finding the map was easy, deciphering it will prove difficult, as it has been written in a dead language I can barely comprehend. I believe scholars call it cursive.

Put down your stick of butter and read my post.

I have been dying to understand why Americans are so damn fat. I’m sorry, fat is a hurtful word, let’s use bloated. Bloated sounds too much like we’re dead, let’s use massive. Massive sounds too fat. Plump? No, turkey’s are plump, Americans are fat. Chunky? I used to have a friend who we called Chunky-style, I think that was probably hurtful too.

I digress, what I’m trying to get at here is that we as a nation have an eating problem. Not me, though, I’m for once not the cause of one of our problems. No this time it is you. After a little research I was able to create a nifty little pie chart, but pie is what got us into this problem in the first place. It’s too delicious looking, so instead I’ve divided the bloated human form into a colorful representation of the 8 major causes of obesity.



(props to Michael O. Leavitt for compiling these results for me)

The solution? A lot of people will tell you there is no easy solution, but they weren’t thinking hard enough. The solution is fad-diet after fad-diet until the obese American in question has lost those unsightly pounds. It takes work though, sorting through the thousands of weight loss programs available until our gorged American friend settles upon one that works for them instantly. It might even seem like the effort wasted on fad-diets pales in comparison to the effort put into healthy living and exercise, but don’t be led astray! Some doctors suggest that exercise might actually be the cause of obesity, leading to toned muscles which actually weigh more than fat!

Hang in there John Q. Fatty McFatkins, if washed up actress Kirsty Alley can try and fail on national television, so can you!

Let me win. But if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt.

Do you ever gamble with your buddies? Do you ever play poker in a garage or put a friendly wager on some sort of sporting event? If so, you know the kind of joy I share with friends and family when we innocently participate in this relatively harmless activity.

Then why is the Federal Government trying to stick its fat hand into my wallet/personal life, not to mention the fact that I’m the President of The United Freaking States of America. I have the freedom to throw my money around however I damn well please thank you very much, and Uncle Sam has no right to tell me how responsible or irresponsible I should be. I’m just now starting to realize who Uncle Sam is… he’s the creepy uncle you only see at weddings because if he didn’t get an invitation it would break poor grandma’s heart – the kind of uncle who thinks that he knows you because you’re some how related by blood, despite your deep concerns and probably accurate suspicions that he was adopted into the family. The kind of uncle that thinks he can tell you exactly what to do with your life as if he’s been soooo successful with his.

Uncle Sam needs to mind his own damned business!

For the record, just so you can’t say I didn’t tell you the whole story, I was caught betting on the Special Olympics. My horse came in 1st, but I had to forfeit all my winnings because Uncle Sam found out through a congressional audit, and claims that this kind of gambling is illegal. Right, like it’s somehow less wrong to find an Indian Reservation and blow all your money there.



(a true underdog, my bookie set him at 6 to 1)

A spring break ruined...

So there I am, living it up down on my ranch in Crawford, getting some sun, moving some brush, or whatever the hell it is my PR people make me do for the cameras, and those thumb suckers down in Congress call me back to “sign some important legislation.”

Now I’m thinking, oh boy, this must be important, we’re finally going to make some sort of difference. But nooooo! I’m called back to Washington so I can stop Terri Schiavo from dying. Do you know how many Americans died over my spring break? 45,276.92! That’s a lot of dead people, people! Why should I care about one? I’ll tell you why, because the American voters have lost sight of what is really important. Stopping roids in baseball.

If only there were a way to transfer all the roids used by baseball players to Terri Schiavo…

She thinks she's mature, but the image proves otherwise

Please excuse President Bush Jr. from doing anything presidential until April, he contracted mono because he touches himself at night.

Sincerely,

George Bush, Sr.

That's pretty much the excuse my father wrote to my school for me in Junior High when I had to miss two weeks because I got mono. The more I think about it, the more I realize my father was a filthy liar who used every chance he could to tell the world I touched myself too much, I suppose in hopes that I would stop. Oddly enough the only thing that ever stopped me was Mom walking around wearing nothing but her granny panties.


I don't really have mono this time, that's just what I'm telling Congress while I go screw around on my ranch in Crawford.

See ya in April!

Soooo close...

(The clue is: A Saudi Arabian terrorist)

I just can't get this last crossword! It's impossible. I feel like I've been pretty close, but everytime I think I have it, my mind goes blank and I focus on something else, then when I go back to the word it's all jumbled up in my mind. I think I have dyslexia. I should ask for help, but at the same time I feel like this is MY crossword puzzle, and I owe it to myself to finish it alone or not finish it at all.

Oh hell, I just figured it out... Arab, terrorist, five letters: Sadam! For Christ's sake, that was so simple.

What does bullshit taste like anyway?

Does anybody know who John Edwards is? Not the guy who ran for VP but the “psychic” John Edwards – see picture below.



He supposedly speaks with the dead and then relays the message onto the loved ones. But basically all he is doing is bullshitting the audience; an audience which is already pro-John Edwards to begin with (they’re all screened ahead of time). On top of that bullshit, he edits 4 hours worth of “readings” down to a conveniently “accurate” 1 hour show. He feeds them bullshit and they eat it up!



I should can that shit and sell it!

Am I taking crazy pills people? This guy spouts nothing but bullshit and Americans just willingly listen to him because that is what they want to hear. They want to believe in something so badly that they’ll listen to this moron, even though time after time it’s been proven he’s basically a lucky guesser, or a straight up liar.

In totally unrelated news – Scott Baio finally returned my letter I sent him back in 87’. He even included a signed photograph! That Scott Baio’s a stand up guy.

YEEEEE-HAAAAAA

Say hello to General Lee. 


I've been riding around in that hunk of junk Airforce One for 4 years now, so I decided it was time to pimp my ride. Ahhh yea, say hello to the new and improved General Lee, ala the Dukes of Hazzard! Boss Hogg and Sheriff Coltrane won't be able to catch up with me when I'm cruising in this bad boy. I'm bout to get myself into a whole heap of trouble!

Plus, just think about how this will stregthen relations between the Confederacy and the Union.

Did you know Afghanistan has a President?

I met a great connection for what sounds like some really high quality international dimplomacy while talking to my buddy last night on AIM.



Only problem is I get the distinct feeling he was coming on to me. Sometimes I curse the boyish good looks that got me into this office. Some people account my political success to my father, but they're just jealous of my baby blues.

The 6th Sign of the Apocalypse!

Vin Diesel's The Pacifier tops the weekend box office! Everyone update your Apocalyspe score card!

Sign #7: OJ finds the real killer
Sign #6: Vin Diesel becomes respected actor!
Sign #5: Red Sox win World Series
Sign #3: Reality TV becomes cool
Sign #3: Women Given the Right to Vote
Sign #2: AOL Merges with Time Warner
Sign #1: Israeli homeland established

Thoughts for a Tuesday

Bubble tea is delicious. Red and Blue states can come together over this issue, set aside their differences and sit down to some good ol' fashion Bubble tea... then just when the Blue states aren't looking I'll jab them in the eye with the unusually sturdy Bubble tea straw. But only after they have enjoyed their Bubble tea.

Secret Service keep choosing retarded codenames

The Secret Service changed my codename yesterday to “Corky.” That’s the fifth time this month we’ve had to change my codename because someone keeps leaking it, freakin' A people, learn to keep a secret. Corky isn’t great, but at least it is better than the last codenames; Gump, Lennie, Childers, Bufford Blue or my least favorite, Carrot Top. The codename used to just be, “The Retarded Kid from Mercury Rising,” until I reminded them that the kid wasn’t retarded, he was autistic. There is a difference.

Personally I find it insulting that they won’t listen to my ideas for codenames; Megatron, Eagle One, Deepthroat or Blue Velvet are perfectly acceptable/cool names which sound even cooler over the walkie talkies. “Apparently” all of those names are reserved for other members of our parliament, but I think they’re just using that as an excuse because they are afraid to admit I am right.

Deepthroat, over and out.

Bumper Stickers; self expression or retardation?

You know who I can’t stand? Besides the gays? The people who drive around with these lame bumper stickers…



Those people just really piss me off. And not even because they hate our troops, but because they think they’re somehow making a difference by declaring to the world their sentiments towards soldiers through the medium of a friggin’ bumper sticker!

Ok we get it, you hate our troops, la-de-friggin’-da, now watch while I cut you off asshole. Seriously, you white trash, rednecked, gun-totting, sister-marrying, inbreeds can blow it out your exhaust pipes, because you know what? You’re not doing anything! You’re not supporting or undermining anybody! You’re just ruining a perfectly good F-350 “Super-Duty” bumper.

Then those morons make it a contest to see who “hates the troops more,” by seeing how many ribboned stickers they can jam onto their bumper. Just because you have 4 of them running across the back of your car does not mean you are the most unpatriotic American out there, it just makes you the dumbest.

As President, I approve this rant.

Is nothing sacred to the terrorists?

Osama Bin Laden has no respect, none whatsoever, not even on our most holy of holidays. I left a construction-paper mailbox on the edge of my desk in the Oval Office, and I received several delightfully pleasant valentines from some co-workers (even Condi!), but Osama has to go and ruin my day by defiling the sacred tradition of the construction-paper mailbox with a letter laced with Anthrax. Not cool, Osama, not cool.


(forensic scientists have analyzed the letter and identified 4 pieces of evidence that link the letter to Osama – the handwriting, the reference to 9/11, the Anthrax which is a rare strain found primarily in the Afghani regions suspected of harboring Osama, and he wrote his name on the bottom)

The only reason I’m not dead is because my secretary has been stealing candy from my desk for months, and I mistakenly accused Colin, effectively locking him out of the Oval Office, and locking her in. Just like the old tale of the farmer and the hungry rabbit! Needless to say she’s dead. Though, to be fair, she was being kind of a dick.

On my ipod - N.E.R.D.

So I’m walking down the street yesterday and I tripped over a homeless guy. He was one of those crotchety old men who think that because they fought in a war before you were born that they somehow deserve something extra, like my respect. Then he has the audacity to ask me for spare change! Someone needs to do something about all the homeless people, so I’ve been brainstorming some ideas with Dick lately and I think we came up with some really good stuff…

Relocation:
Pros – they’re out of my way
Cons – they’re in someone else’s

Extermination:
Pros – they’re gone for good
Cons – semi-illegal, also disposal issues

Out-Reach Programs:
Pros – (nothing comes to mind, I’ll try to think of something later)
Cons – money, we all know the US government doesn't use money it doesn’t have

Then it dawned on me… what do hobos love least? Answer: being ridiculed and beaten unmercifully at the hands of police guided robots!


(This is an artist’s rendering [my rendering] of what the new state of the art Anti-Hobo Robots will look like in the process of beating and ridiculing the homeless…)

The hardest part of beating and ridiculing the homeless is locating them, that is why we will stage mock canned food drives to draw them close enough so that we can beat and ridicule them. I have also set aside several million dollars in US aid money to build homeless shelters, so that on cold winter nights the homeless can come to rest in our facilities, where we will then proceed to lock the doors and unmercifully beat and ridicule them.

The future is here...

The Gay Conspiracy

Well I hate the gays as much as any Republican, but come on now, what’s the deal with Sponge Bob being bad because he was gay! He’s a cartoon character for Christ’s sake! He doesn’t even have genitalia! Besides, I grew up with homosexual Muppets and my mom never complained.

I'll be the first to admit it, but this is extremely petty even for us Republicans. In a complete reversal of my staunchly anti-homosexual record, I’m taking a stand with Sponge Bob on this one...

He’s here, he’s square, get used to it.

Iraq, or as I like to call it; Little America

In a stunning, yet not too unpredictable turn of events, it looks like I have won the election in Iraq! I will, however, have to look into the legality of being President of both America and Iraq, but I doubt these two great nations will have any conflict of interests.

(the Red represents districts where I had strong support, the Blue represents a district where any one of the other 723 candidates had strong support and/or violence was too strong to hold elections, and the Green represents districts showing strong support for the Rev. Al Sharpton)

Wow, I mean wow, this is seriously just amazing! I don’t know how I’m going to manage my time between America and Iraq! They’re both so demanding, on the one hand Americans want social justice and economic security, and on the other, I have to make myself look good by killing the rebels in Iraq. Naturally my attention will focus on Iraq for at least the first 2 years, but that whole predicament should settle down in time for me to start pretending like I give a crap about the National Debt or the environment in America. And I thought I was getting a lot of heat for focusing too much of my time in Iraq… wait till they hear about my “No Limb Left Behind Act;” comprehensive, time consuming, and economically impractical, but absolutely necessary to clean up the streets of our beloved Tikrit.

Where's the Berlin Wall when you need it?

The Mexican government has been distributing pamphlets to all Mexican citizens who request them, which detail information on how to survive illegally crossing the US border. Can you believe the arrogance of those self righteous bastards? The Mexican government claims the pamphlets are only provided to curb the large number of deaths each year which can be accounted to border crossings, but we all know that the Mexican government is only interested in one thing… getting Mexicans out of their country. Hell, I don’t blame ‘em, so I’ve created a little pamphlet of my own, chock full of false information and neat little tricks sure to confuse, and/or, kill Mexicans crossing the border.


This gets me pissed off, because when my great, great grandfather illegally crossed the US border in the 1800s, he was white, and the bastards crossing our border now are clearly brown. Have they no respect… *shakes head indignantly*

“Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…” no where in our beautiful iconoclastic motto do I see the words, “and your spics, we take spics too.”

The Statue of Liberty is a symbol of freedom and hope to industrious white workers who came from Europe, not those dirty border hoppers who will work for below minimum wage… don’t they realize they are ruining our economy by taking such a severe pay cut!? Did they stop and think to themselves just once, “Hey, I might be earning barely enough to feed my family, but I’m also taking precious jobs away from the white trash of Texas who couldn’t afford to go to public school?” Fore shame! All those illegal immigrants can think about is themselves, and their families, and freedom. Disgusting.

Natural Gas Found on Saturn's Moon Titan

CNN reported that “scientists” have discovered Saturn’s moon Titan to be covered in Natural Gas… you know what that means. I’ve declared Saturn’s moon a threat to national security, placed it on the axis of evil and have begun preparations for a pre-emptive strike. Of course this is all just a precaution. We don’t know if the moon is actually harboring terrorists, or if it is just planning to build weapons of mass destruction – at this point we can only guess, but hell, that’s all we really need to do anyway, so prepare for Operation Titanium Freedom.

I’ve already sent the U.S.S. Destroyer to Saturn before we press the United Nations this week for invasion approval, which of course they will deny, and which of course we will ignore.


(we went ahead and pre-emptively retro-fitted the U.S.S. Destroyer with a Mission Accomplished banner, just to speed up the process)

Advisors and “scientists” keep insisting that Titan’s moon is uninhabitable, and an invasion would just result in massive casualties… goes to show what “scientists” know… The Middle East is damned near as uninhabitable as Saturn’s moon, but we invaded anyway and have only suffered heavy casualties… hardly massive.

To be honest, my only concern is that if the planet Saturn is half as diverse as the Saturn commercials, we’re in for a hell of a hard time singling out people based on the color their skin… but we’ll find away, we’re America, we always find a way.

Accountability, People!

So Rummy, Colin and I were out on the town this weekend getting our pre-funk on in preparation for the big blowout inaugural ball, when Rummy tells me we have to go check out a wicked party up on D Street. Well I’ve heard about D Street, and I just knew that this was going to be a major let down, but Rummy promised me there was going to be booze and women at that party. In his own words he said, “We know for a fact there are going to be hella bitches up there,” and on several occasions went so far as to claim, “I have no doubt we’re going to find big stores of malt liquor in his pantry.”

Lies. Every word of it was lies.

I can’t even begin to describe my disappointment with his lack of judgment. He flat out looked me in the eyes and told me there was going to be brew and bitches, and we spent all night up on D Street looking for that damn party. He continued to backpedal the entire time, too, until just about sunrise when he finally admitted the rumors he’d heard about the party might have been false. I don’t know if I can trust him ever again, to be honest.

I was spose to get tore up this weekend, too. I wonder how he sleeps at night.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Well, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is quickly approaching, and you all know what that means - the big mattress/furniture sales will be out in full force on Monday. And really, what better way is there to celebrate the life of a great leader than to dedicate an entire day worth of mattress sales in his name? I'm sure MLK is looking down from heaven right now with pride while the Big Guy goes on and on about how glad he is that one of his foot soldiers in righteousness has made such a reputable name for himself, and such low, low prices on all clearance items at the East St. Louis Furniture Emporium. God Bless you Martin Luther King, Jr., and God bless the United States of Spend Everything You Earn on Furniture for Your Apartment.


For more information on all the great mattress sales, visit - http://www.mlkmemorial.org/index.htm
It's worth checking out, if not for the message, than for the mattresses.

2005 is going to suck

Ah, horse shit.

Only 12 days into the new year and I've already broken my New Year's resolution.

2005 is going to be a long year....

Mood - Sulky

Remember in the first Ocean's 11 (the good Ocean's 11) when you thought everything was going great and according to plan and the world seemed right, then you found out everything was getting screwed up and the plan was crumbling apart, only to realize at the end of the film that that had been the plan all along and that nothing was ever getting screwed up, and the world was right again? Well that is what my life has felt like lately, except for that last part where everything goes right.

I need a hug.

Qatar - Pronounced "Dickless"

The Indian Ocean takes all the fun out of my unanimous election victory. I offered 35 million dollars in relief funds - almost as much as my entire inauguration party is going to cost - and the unprepared pricks called me stingy (it is going to be a huge party too; it'll be in a skating rink with cake and pinatas and even a small basketball hoop made out of gold). But I didn't cave into claims America was being cheap, I just didn't want to donate less than those bastards from Qatar. Who do they think they are? They're making us look bad. Mental note; bomb Qatar.

So I wrote out our 350 million dollar donation on the biggest damn check you've ever seen. It really got me in the giving mood, well not so much in the mood, but I wound up handing out oversized check after oversized check to all these different charities because Rumsfeld says it makes me look good... I think he's right too - plus it's a lot of fun. So I've decided to handle all of my purchases with oversized checks from now on. A gallon of milk might not cost a lot, but when you pay for it with a check the size of a small man... well it just makes you feel big.


(I bought an oversized hat with an oversized check! The novelty of it all makes me pee my pants just a little bit.)

The W stands for Walker

Most American’s believe I am sent by God to run this country, but did you know I also speak to him? In fact the other day I was given a prophesy from our Lord and Savoir while masturbating on the can. A loud knock rapped my bathroom door and the Lord saideth unto me – “Bush, quit jerkin’ off with those nudie mags, I need to use the john after you.”

Our Lord was correct; masturbating with nudie mags was a sin of the past. That’s when it hit me – what gives American men hardons more than anything? Once upon a time it might have been Janet Jackson’s right boob, but in today’s modern world men don’t want to see breasts, vaginas, long legs or fallopian tubes, they want to see tanks and assault rifles shooting at other people, and perhaps, even killing them.

Remember when Pat Tillman died, and American men walked around with erections for like a whole week? That was super. Everyone was patriotic for like a whole month, and I realized, that’s what we need again. So in order to boost patriotism and erections, I’ve arranged for Chuck Norris’s bullet riddled body to appear on all the news stations next week.



Together we’ll all mourn the loss of this great hero, and fathers will sit down with sons and regale them with tales of when Walker Texas Ranger stopped an entire bus packed full of Mexican drug dealers aided only by his culturally diverse squad of Texas Rangers. If that doesn’t give you a hardon, then you’re probably a liberal with a fetish for naked women, and you should move to a coastal city where the other perverts live.

Why I hate my family...

My parents make it a point of bringing up the one officially evil thing I've ever done in my life. Ok, yes Mom and Dad - I got drunk and stole a Christmas tree. Yes it was wrong. Yes it was even a little bit evil, but I haven't done it since! It was the Winter of 1966, I was at Yale drinking too much Jaggie with the ol' college chums when I mentioned it would be hilarious/cheaper to steal an already decorated Christmas tree from someone's house instead of purchasing one at the local Christmas tree lot (still not the worst thing I've ever done...). Ever since then, Dad sends out the family Christmas card with this police sketch-artist's rendering which eventually lead to my arrest (See Photo)...

My Dad also never forgets to send the police description of me along with the Christmas Card, "Caucasian male - dark green skin, brown eyes, 5'11", medium build. Suspect George Walker Bush wanted for disorderly conduct, theft of a Christmas tree and public urination near the cities of New Haven and Whoville, Connecticut."

To be fair, I was only arrested for disorderly conduct, and the charges were eventually dropped. Nowadays when I want something illegal done, I just send the FBI to go do it for me. They balked the last time I asked them to steal a tree though...

Time's Man of the Year

I'm a God - make that, the God!!

I'm now one of a very exclusive list of men who have been Time's Man of the Year twice, including great war leaders like Lyndon B. Johnson, Richard M. Nixon and Joseph Q. Stalin! As you might remember, all three men led our country as we struggled through the successful Vietnam Conflict, which makes me the first Man of the Year to struggle through my own! The greatest pride, however, is knowing that because of me future Presidents will be provided the chance to struggle through Iraq and join us on the great list of two timing Men of the Year. So Arnold, in advance - you're welcome.

Osama's new album goes platinum!

That's right. Osama released another audio tape this week, and this time he insulted the Saudi Royal family, a wonderful group of individuals who I at least consider allies in our war on terror. Now I'm starting to think he's doing this intentionally to piss me off, he's pressing my buttons because he knows it aggravates me. He thinks he can get away with making me look like a bumbling idiot who has thrice failed to capture him - good sir, you have gone too far by insulting my intelligence and capabilities! Just for that I won't rest until I do capture him... and the real killers of OJ Simpson's wife. Sure, I'll take time off for holidays and sick days, and the occasional personal day, but even OJ finds time to go golfing while he's fast on the trail of the real killers. OJ and I are a lone breed; relentless in our pursuits of bringing justice to innocent victims - we are true American heroes.

You may say OJ is taking his sweet time to find the real killers (to be fair, it has only been 3 or 4 years now and justice takes time), and some even say OJ is the real killer - but making accusations and slandering his good name bring him no closer to justice - delivering justice, that is. So for the victim's families' sake, don't blame him for anything he does because it only distracts the man from his one true, yet elusive goal of tracking down the evil doers. I await the glorious day when he graces the silver screen once again with his phenomenal comic timing, and life in America can return to normal.

As for my white whale - be patient, Osama will die one of these days. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, and maybe not even 30 years from now, but studies show men have a 1 in 6 chance of developing prostate cancer sometime in their life, and that ain't bad! Unless of course he pulls a Fidel Castro and outlives all his enemies, then I'd feel stupid for letting him go when I did.

Adam and the Beave - Not in MY neighborhood

Ehem people, has anybody read the amendments to the Constitution? Article IX (Roman numeral for Rocky 9) states, “The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.”

By allowing homosexuals the right to get married, the liberals infringe upon my right for them not to get married.

All we have to do is prove that homosexuals either hurt me physically or take away my rights by getting married. Easy –

They hurt my Christian sensibility, and they do irreparable damage to immature minds. Imagine children thinking about two lesbians doing it in their dorm rooms! They should not be exposed to such graphic images, and the only way to counter-act those images is by depicting manly heterosexual images… of war! Blood, violence, detached limbs etc.; Kid tested, mother approved.

My whole point is that people should not have to think about a man putting his *expletive deleted* in another man’s *expletive deleted*. Good old fashion sex - the way God likes it – is only when the man puts his *expletive deleted* in a woman’s *expletive deleted*, and only in her *expletive deleted*… unless the sex isn’t great and the couple agrees to experiment, then, and only then is it ok for a man to put his *expletive deleted* in the female’s *expletive deleted*, but to reiterate, never in the man’s *expletive deleted*. Also, oral sex is totally not cool with God, sorry ladies. Lesbians and straight women are just going to have to learn to get along without foreplay.

Just remember; God’s a perv, and he only likes straight porn.

(In the original story of Adam and Eve, Adam was delivering a pizza.)

Mood - Gassy

I lost my wallet, has anyone seen it? It's got like 18 bucks in it, no big deal, but I had some personal things in there I need back. credit cards, drivers license, some family pics, a trojan, and a security badge. Those last two are key... The badge kinda gets me into the Pentagon, the White House, and The Ministry of Love among other places.

(This is a picture of my wallet, it says Bad Mother... Oh my lord, I got scammed! Sheisty street vendors...)

If you have it, please mail to the guy who takes care of all my junk:
O'Brien - Room 101
1600 Pennsylvannia Avenue NW
Washington D.C., 20500

Mood - Belligerent

You know what I hate? People who pawn off an experience/wisdom as intelligence. I had some guy tell me the other day that because I hadn’t fought in any wars, I had no right to have an opinion about war. Woopty-friggin’-doo mister; you killed in combat, I didn’t, what do you want? A friggin’ medal (besides the one you got for combat injuries)?

Since when has the only qualifier for intelligent global-political decisions been combat history? Just because you ran around other parts of the world killing our enemies doesn’t mean your opinions are somehow more intelligent – your opinions are just more personal. Personal experience does not equate to intelligence.

Does that mean women can’t have opinions about war because we exclude them from the front lines? Haha, trick question – women’s opinions aren’t worth anything anyway.

The point is if you go around flaunting your war experience as your only evidence for an argument, you’re an idiot.

Besides, I was in the Texas Air National Guard – and you people don’t know squat about protecting airspace. I rest my case. Feel free to debate these points… but only if you were in the Air National Guard.

Mood - Apathetic

As most of you probably already know, Ukraine is having their own little election fraud situation, igniting panic and insecurity around the country. There are also rumors Ukrainian presidential candidate Viktor Yushchenko was poisoned - and if you haven't seen already, the pictures are quite gruesome.


(Before and after poisoning)

Now certain news organizations are coming forward claiming that the American government was behind the alleged poisoning. Let me make myself absolutely clear, for the record - I never said I wanted Viktor Yushchenko poisoned. I said I wanted Viktor Yushchenko killed. The difference - Viktor Yushchenko would look less like Mr. Yuck and more like a dead man, thereby ruining his chances at winning the election. You see, there is no way on earth a dead man could ever beat out a non dead man in an election (except for when Ashcroft lost to that dead guy, but admittedly the dead man had an excellent budget reform plan).

We went with our usual hitman; Ex-cop from Chicago turned vigilante killer. But for some reason he didn't come through this time. I'm somewhat disappointed in our man's choice of lethal options. Bomb, knife, gun, why he chose drugs I'll never know -


(surveillance photo of our man on the job - he's the one in the trench coat on the left)

Wahoo!

Knock "Meetin' the Who's the Boss Guy" off of my "To Do Before I Die" list!


(I'm on the left next to some nobody - Tony Danza is the one with the huge head)

This is so cool I met him at a time when a space is opening up in the Department of Homeland Security! Tony will bring some much needed diversity to our team - the only other washed up daytime TV star in my cabinet is Dustin Diamond as the Secretary of Agriculture.

The list Shortens everyday I'm President!
"To Do Before I Die":

Meet the "Who's the Boss" Guy
Capture Osama Bin Laden
Capture Saddam
Mud wrestle with Saddam
Pet a Giraffe
Kill a Giraffe
Pet a midget
Kill a midget
Snorkle
Pickup Laundry (Bring your ticket!!)
Solve energy crisis
Hate a gay
Unite (Don't divide!!)
Fix a cock fight (small dog disguised as cock!!)
Punch the guy who played "Webster"
Punch the guy who played "Corky" on Life Goes On
Write the great American novel

Mood - Indifferent

So I was talking to the Italian Prime Minister today, and Silvio told me that the word "Republican" comes from the Latin word "Republici" which means easily fooled, or gullible (or gullable - it's spelled two different ways in the dictionary). Won't his face be red when I inform him that after looking through two dictionaries, two encyclopedias and all over the internet I found no proof that "Republican" means either "Gullible" or "easily fooled." Ha! Easily fooled... does he have any idea how much money it took to convince them to go to Iraq and re-elect me? Republicans aren't easily fooled, that kinda thing takes cash.

Silvio you old dog... fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times - you get added to the axis of evil my friend.

What the terrorists want, we won't give 'em...

Osama's right hand man (the equivalent of my Donny) left a taped message for America on TV yesterday.

"You can elect Bush, Kerry or Satan himself, it doesn't matter to us," Ayman al-Zawahiri said in a tape broadcast by the Arabic-language Al-Jazeera television network. "What's important to us is the U.S. policies toward Muslims."

So apparently the terrorists want fair treatment of Muslims... well we can't give them what they want because that would mean the terrorists have already won. So to err on the side of safety, I'm signing into law Executive order 9066 Version 2.0 - The imprisonment of all things brown. Nothing is more important to me than the safety of all non-brown Americans, because after all, isn't that what the founding fathers intended? If they wanted Muslims to have rights too they would have said something like "All men are created equal - including brown people." But they didn't. They obviously left that part of the birth of our nation open for interpretation.


(The imprisonment of all things brown - no exceptions)

Besides, let's face it people, brown = terrorists, there is even a website about it... http://www.brownequalsterrorist.com/. Seriously, we can all stop being PC about this crap and just come out and say it... we don't need darkies in our country anymore because the people of the South and Midwest have spoken semi-unanimously.

Next they'll want me to pardon the gravy...

If you weren’t aware, every Thanksgiving it is customary for the President to pardon at least one turkey. Well we usually have a large ceremony and then send the turkey to go live on a farm in Virginia, sparing it from being killed, cooked and eaten. But if you know me at all, you know pardoning ain’t my style, so I thought this year; couldn’t we pardon the turkey posthumously? We did it for General Robert E. Lee (and he was delicious). Yeah… screw this saving a turkey shit, I want my cake, and I want to eat it too! Besides, I have a record to maintain... the only pardons I give are for when I pass wind.



(this is a picture I just found from when I made it last year)

They make Soccer Moms seem interesting...

You know what the best part of winning this election is? I don’t have to pretend to like Nascar or Nascar dads ever again. Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ people, if you’re going to choose a boring ass sport to watch, make it baseball. If I have to see another flamboyant ass car make it around the same circular track one more time without a crash, I think I’m going to shoot myself, or at least someone in the pit crew…or the guy who waves the flag… no, better yet, I’ll just link Nascar dads to terrorism and bomb the shit out of all of them.



Nascar dads give white trash a bad name.

Multi-Level Marketing: The future of business…

I just signed up for this great new way to make buttloads of money with a minimal amount of effort! The company is called Vector Marketing, and they offer this awesome program where I get paid to sell knives to my friends and family. The trick to making lots of money, though, is by signing up more people to sell knives for Vector – easy as a pie baked by a woman! And every person they get to participate in the knife selling process means more money for me, and every person those people sign up means more money for me too, and so on and so forth for infinity - it’s like a pyramid of money making! If I sign up enough people, I won't even have to work and I'll earn millions of dollars!



Look at how sharp that knife is; they can literally cut through a tin can like it was a ripe tomato! So contact me if you want to get in on the ground floor of this awesome opportunity, but don't tell too many people, this is kind of on the DL until they talk to me.

Rapper accused in Vibe Awards stabbing surrenders:

My question is, why did they even let a rapist into the building? The VIBE awards show is bootylicious, you're just asking for trouble. I have a zero tolerance rule for that kind of thing; you rape a girl, you aren't allowed to go to any more awards shows. That should be a law.

Breakthrough!!

OMG OMG OMG!! So I’ve totally been crushing on Condi for like months now, and yesterday I finally got the courage to send her a letter, and this morning she got back to me! Not only did she say yes, but check out what she drew at the bottom of the note!!



I can’t be for sure, but I think I can definitely say I have the will of the Condi!

Pssh, they don't have feelings anyway...

Well if you watch any of those liberal news stations like CNN or FOX you know what kind of shit storm I should be in, but this time around I have the will of the people, so it doesn't really matter what I do or say. That guy deserved it! I know he was supposedly "unarmed," and apparently "wounded," but those are just words - crazy ideals! They aren't tangible like Freedom, Liberty and Democracy. In the long run, that guy will be thankful we went in there and liberated him from Saddam. Hell, Saddam might have used bullets instead of freedom liberty and democracy, and that would have really hurt. So people of Iraq, there is no need to thank me, it was my pleasure.


(we are working on a prototype weapon that shoots Justice! all over the face of the unsuspecting terrorist)

Hang in there Dick!

I’m sure you’ve all heard it reported in the news that earlier this week Dick Cheney was checked out by doctors for shortness of breath. We’ve known of this health concern for a while now, but unfortunately there is nothing we can do to stop it. Dick Cheney has been infected with the rare RAGE virus, which was brilliantly depicted in the 2002 zombie film 28 Days Later. For those of you unfamiliar with the film (awesome scary movie) a rare virus rapidly spreads throughout the world infecting each person it encounters – the victims are then turned into blood thirsty zombies that roam the streets looking for more people to hurt/infect. It’s just too bad a man like Dick was infected in the prime of his life… Luckily, Dick is a fighter, and although infected, he does not appear to be showing any signs of this debilitating disease…

Before Infection:


After Infection:


Hang in there Dick! Everyone at the White House is pulling for you!




Well it’s either that, or another heart attack. What do I know, I’m not a doctor.

Michael Moore is Asking For It

Michael Moore has apparently announced plans to film a sequel to his Fahrenheit 9/11 – in response; I’ve decided to invade another country. Your move Mr. Moore, your move.

I call my plan the War on Documentaries. We relentlessly invade another country every time a film maker shoots a discouraging film about me, that way the film industry will realize it is useless to argue and will give up - just as the terrorists will realize their struggle is useless, you know, once we kill enough of them. It’s all in the numbers. You kill one Middle Eastern person, you have one less Middle Eastern person angry at you. The trick is, to kill their whole family though, that way you don’t get upset sons and daughters calling a Jihad on your ass. Ironic thing about that though, is once you kill an entire family, they tend to have extended relatives and country men angry at you. It’s tricky but we’re getting the hang of it!

So Michael Moore, if you read my blog, just give up. Hollywood will crumble under the mighty power of America, eventually. Don’t drag this out like the terrorists are… you’re not a terrorist… are you Mr. Moore?


(the difference between Hollywood and the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln - Hollywood just isn't as dramatic)

Ashcroft "Resigns"

Well Attorney General John Ashcroft will have to resign for my second term, partly because of his unwavering support for the Patriot Act, his extreme religious views and his strong anti-abortion stance, but mainly because of his controversial “No Child Left Behind Act.” I know what you’re thinking, but no, it is not in any way related to my education act of the same name; it is quite a bit more gruesome.



Ashcroft heard some rumors about a messiah born somewhere in the country and he was afraid religious nuts might start worshiping him and take away from our power; long story short, he pretty much wants to kill American children. I tried reasoning with him; I explained there were other ways to kill Americans – discreetly! The man is a little nutso for the religion – I say anyone who’s that into religion has some confidence problems… Well I hate to see him go, but at least it will be a little quieter around the White House without him.

just… too… damn… HOT

Just look at her *sigh*. If you think this is a good shot, you should see the view from the back. Daaaamn… Whenever I talk to her I immediately begin to stumble, trip and fall all over my words – I sound like Jethro Bodine from the Beverly Hillbillies, but without the 3rd grade education. It can be so embarrassing. Around anyone else, I’m a regular sweet talker, my words flow like honey, but you get Condi in the room… *sigh*

A Postwar Plan for Iraq

The complaint I hear most often is that I never had a postwar plan for Iraq. Well I’ve always had a plan for Iraq, but to be completely honest, it was lost until just recently. You know, it’s always in the last place you’d ever look, in this case – sitting on my desk; conveniently used as a coaster. This image is not the original, but was transcribed from the napkin onto an aerial photograph of Baghdad to give it that extra touch of professionalism that the White House so often lacks.

So here it is; the post war Iraq plan…


(arrows indicate where things go)

Possible Warning Signs of "Sadness"

It seems to me that the Democrats - Kerry in particular - are taking this loss pretty hard. The standard response appears to be uncontrollable sobbing followed by hours of inconsolable pain marked my long periods of silence and a gentle rocking motion. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I had a conversation with Kerry last night on instant messenger...


Poor guy seems all tuckered out.

This time it's forealz!

I think there has never been a more appropriate time to say Boo Ya bitches! Yeah, you thought you’d be able to stop me by voting, but you were wrong as usual. Nothing stops Bush baby, I’m invincible! No amount of slander/truth can get me out of office or stop this blog.

The only downside I can see to this whole being the President thing is that it will definitely take time away from my real passion… the rodeo.


I wonder how Kerry is holding up, I should really IM him sometime…