I'm on my knees!

Remember when you were in college and you had to call your mom up and ask for rent money? And she would say, “but I already gave you rent money this month, you need to stop spending it on beer!” And you would say, “Yea, but Mom, I’m so coked out of my mind right now, and I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t score some more white gold!” And she would say, “But that’s not what our hard earned money is for, plus you’re going to ruin your father’s chances at political office if you keep snorting up every last dime!” And you would say, “But mom, I’m already 15 grand in the hole and some guy named Mad Dog is going to ‘have intercourse with my excrement’ if I don’t get him the cash I owe him.” And she would say “Don’t use that language with me, how in God’s infinite mercy did you grow up in such a white neighborhood with that mouth?” And on and on and on…

Universal story, we’ve all been there. So you have to know how I feel when I say I made a mistake and invaded the wrong country and I need more money.

Iran ADMITS to trying to make WMDs, and now I feel like shit for making you guys spend all your time going over to Iraq back when we only THOUGHT they had WMDs. I was wrong; it takes a big man to admit that. Well, I’m not officially admitting guilt… once again I remind any reporters reading this blog that it is for friends and family only! These little posts should not be taken as actual White House policy. Ha! Lord if they did… Seriously, if I admit I’m wrong in Iraq, then people would want to pull out of there…

For the record: It is imperative that another President is forced to pull out of Iraq so I can save face. Come on, give me a break, I’ve been through enough in this presidency; it wouldn’t be fair to make me take the blame for losing this war and sending that poor nation into civil war. How could they even have a civil war! They don’t even own slaves!

To reiterate: Come on man! Help a brother out. Don’t stick me with this! I wanted to go down in the history books as the guy who didn’t screw up!

(How the history books would read if I wrote them)

This, by the way, is off the record

Alright, so I might not care about black people, but my mom’s a total bitch. She needs to learn to say "off the record" more often. She flat out told a reporter regarding Katrina refugees that…

"What I’m hearing which is sort of scary is they all want to stay in Texas. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this--this (she chuckles slightly) is working very well for them." CNN

Great work Mom, now in order to look… well, not racist, we have to adopt a black family and house them in my old room in Texas. They’re totally going to tear down all my posters and replace them with abominations like “Jay-Z” or “P-Diddy.”


Gene Simmons does not belong next to Fiddy Cent!!

Another thing the media’s done for my reputation is make it seem like I went out of my way to leave black people stranded in the Superdome, which is not true! I did not go out of my way to leave them stranded there; I just kind of let it happen. I did, however, go out of my way to save about 30 white people, but you hardly hear the US media talking about that! The BBC, on the other hand, picked up a report on the elaborate undercover military operation I ordered which rescued 30 British nationals. They even had the decency to post testimonials like Jenny Sachs on the BBC website which explains how hard it was for our men in uniform to pluck 30 pale faced foreigners out of a crowd of starving, desperate, angry black Americans. That is bravery… God bless our troops.

She thinks she's mature, but the image proves otherwise

Please excuse President Bush Jr. from doing anything presidential until April, he contracted mono because he touches himself at night.

Sincerely,

George Bush, Sr.

That's pretty much the excuse my father wrote to my school for me in Junior High when I had to miss two weeks because I got mono. The more I think about it, the more I realize my father was a filthy liar who used every chance he could to tell the world I touched myself too much, I suppose in hopes that I would stop. Oddly enough the only thing that ever stopped me was Mom walking around wearing nothing but her granny panties.


I don't really have mono this time, that's just what I'm telling Congress while I go screw around on my ranch in Crawford.

See ya in April!

The Gay Conspiracy

Well I hate the gays as much as any Republican, but come on now, what’s the deal with Sponge Bob being bad because he was gay! He’s a cartoon character for Christ’s sake! He doesn’t even have genitalia! Besides, I grew up with homosexual Muppets and my mom never complained.

I'll be the first to admit it, but this is extremely petty even for us Republicans. In a complete reversal of my staunchly anti-homosexual record, I’m taking a stand with Sponge Bob on this one...

He’s here, he’s square, get used to it.

Why I hate my family...

My parents make it a point of bringing up the one officially evil thing I've ever done in my life. Ok, yes Mom and Dad - I got drunk and stole a Christmas tree. Yes it was wrong. Yes it was even a little bit evil, but I haven't done it since! It was the Winter of 1966, I was at Yale drinking too much Jaggie with the ol' college chums when I mentioned it would be hilarious/cheaper to steal an already decorated Christmas tree from someone's house instead of purchasing one at the local Christmas tree lot (still not the worst thing I've ever done...). Ever since then, Dad sends out the family Christmas card with this police sketch-artist's rendering which eventually lead to my arrest (See Photo)...

My Dad also never forgets to send the police description of me along with the Christmas Card, "Caucasian male - dark green skin, brown eyes, 5'11", medium build. Suspect George Walker Bush wanted for disorderly conduct, theft of a Christmas tree and public urination near the cities of New Haven and Whoville, Connecticut."

To be fair, I was only arrested for disorderly conduct, and the charges were eventually dropped. Nowadays when I want something illegal done, I just send the FBI to go do it for me. They balked the last time I asked them to steal a tree though...

They make Soccer Moms seem interesting...

You know what the best part of winning this election is? I don’t have to pretend to like Nascar or Nascar dads ever again. Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ people, if you’re going to choose a boring ass sport to watch, make it baseball. If I have to see another flamboyant ass car make it around the same circular track one more time without a crash, I think I’m going to shoot myself, or at least someone in the pit crew…or the guy who waves the flag… no, better yet, I’ll just link Nascar dads to terrorism and bomb the shit out of all of them.



Nascar dads give white trash a bad name.

I am sooo grounded...

Ah Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ! My mom found out I have a weblog, and she read it, and now my life is practically over. Mom found the site somehow and read the part about Laura being on the rag, and how I get erections while thinking about Condi at meetings and now she's in the hospital with symptoms of a stroke. Now my mind is racing to figure out if I wrote anything about doing coke, or whores.

As embarrassing as this is, it's not as embarrassing as the time she caught me masturbating in the Lincoln bedroom during Dad's presidency. In my rush to cover up I grabbed an original copy of the Emancipation Proclamation and used it as cleanup; I have to hear about that every Juneteenth, let me tell you.

Speaking of embarrassing, check out this...

(to be fair, I added the vote for Bush part, with the American flag)

Kerry tried catching a baby and inadvertently showed the world he couldn't catch, thus substantiating my entitlement to the thrown. Some people say that to be President of the United States, one needs to know the names of foreign leaders, the names of key foreign countries or the names of all 50 states. Well I might not be able to do all that, but I sure as hell can catch a friggin' baby if thrown at me, which in my opinion is as, if not more important.

Hunting Trip

Yesterday I fulfilled a ten year long dream of hunting deer with an assault rifle.



Up until this week there was a ban on the sale of assault rifles because the liberals considered the practical use of them implausible. There are critics who say that hunting with an assault rifle is absurd; nobody in there right mind would do it. Well I got together with a bunch of the justices this weekend and we got our chance to prove them wrong. Hunting with assault rifles is not only an enormous amount of fun, but it is our God given right; handed down to us by our four fathers who in their infinite wisdom predicted the development of weapons with the power to knock down a whole heard of elk. This may be a leap, but I’m going to start working on legalizing the sale of rocket propelled grenades. In some places like Iraq and Iran, those things are legal! What freedom! I think I could seriously kill a heard of buffalo with a well positioned rocket propelled grenade.

Other than the hunting trip I didn’t get much done this weekend. Finally organized all my mp3s.

Oh, I did talk to my dad on the phone. He and mom are going to be stopping by my place sometime soon, which means I have to clean up. It’s not like the White House is a mess, it’s just that I know mom is going to be pointing out everything that’s wrong or different from how she’d like it. That also means me and Rummy can’t get too wasted for however long they stay over. That’s not a problem for me, I can control myself, but you put a bottle of booze anywhere near him and he goes from Donnie to Rummy in 2 seconds flat. Which brings me to a point; Rummy has a cool nickname; mine blows. You can’t change Bush to anything cool or funny unless it implies the female vagina. Which brings me to another point; all those lesbian protestors who get naked to protest “bush.” Do they have any idea how much I love that? Man, if I knew my controversial political views would get a bunch of lesbians naked back in my college days, I could have doubled the ass I got every week!