Is nothing sacred to the terrorists?

Osama Bin Laden has no respect, none whatsoever, not even on our most holy of holidays. I left a construction-paper mailbox on the edge of my desk in the Oval Office, and I received several delightfully pleasant valentines from some co-workers (even Condi!), but Osama has to go and ruin my day by defiling the sacred tradition of the construction-paper mailbox with a letter laced with Anthrax. Not cool, Osama, not cool.


(forensic scientists have analyzed the letter and identified 4 pieces of evidence that link the letter to Osama – the handwriting, the reference to 9/11, the Anthrax which is a rare strain found primarily in the Afghani regions suspected of harboring Osama, and he wrote his name on the bottom)

The only reason I’m not dead is because my secretary has been stealing candy from my desk for months, and I mistakenly accused Colin, effectively locking him out of the Oval Office, and locking her in. Just like the old tale of the farmer and the hungry rabbit! Needless to say she’s dead. Though, to be fair, she was being kind of a dick.

Breakthrough!!

OMG OMG OMG!! So I’ve totally been crushing on Condi for like months now, and yesterday I finally got the courage to send her a letter, and this morning she got back to me! Not only did she say yes, but check out what she drew at the bottom of the note!!



I can’t be for sure, but I think I can definitely say I have the will of the Condi!

just… too… damn… HOT

Just look at her *sigh*. If you think this is a good shot, you should see the view from the back. Daaaamn… Whenever I talk to her I immediately begin to stumble, trip and fall all over my words – I sound like Jethro Bodine from the Beverly Hillbillies, but without the 3rd grade education. It can be so embarrassing. Around anyone else, I’m a regular sweet talker, my words flow like honey, but you get Condi in the room… *sigh*

Terrorist Level: Fuschia

So there was like some sort of terrorist threat today immediately following the Presidential Debates, and I was rushed off to a "secret" city designed and used solely by government officials. I'll bet you can't guess where I am! Ok, I'll give you a few hints, but if you figure it out don't tell the axis of evil...

I'm nibblin' on sponge cake...

I've spent the entire day looking for my lost shaker of salt...

There's booze in my blender...

Still can't guess?! Well I guess it is a secret for a reason, and I suppose if you can't figure it out you probably shouldn't know; the government is like that sometimes. I've also brought along some close personal friends of mine, and I'll bet you'll have a hard time guessing who they are... Here are some more clues...

One of my friends' name rhymes with Prick Laney...

This other "friend" of mine was the real masterminded of the "War on Drugs," the "War on Terror," and the equally popular, but less mentioned "War on Fatties."

This special guest's name starts with an 'S', ends with an 'R' and has an 'chwarzenegge' in the middle...

If you must know, I've provided an answer key at the bottom...
Add up the points and see how you did:

- 0 out of 4 - not good, one of those was a giveaway!
- 1 out of 4 - congratulations, your GED is in the mail!
- 2 out of 4 - you belong in a mid-level federal government position!
- 3 out of 4 - you really know your leaders and their secret hide aways!
- 4 out of 4 - awesome! Have you considered working for the NSA?

Answer key:
A. Secret hide away - Margaritaville
B. Dick Cheney
C. Dad!
D. Condi Rice

I am sooo grounded...

Ah Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ! My mom found out I have a weblog, and she read it, and now my life is practically over. Mom found the site somehow and read the part about Laura being on the rag, and how I get erections while thinking about Condi at meetings and now she's in the hospital with symptoms of a stroke. Now my mind is racing to figure out if I wrote anything about doing coke, or whores.

As embarrassing as this is, it's not as embarrassing as the time she caught me masturbating in the Lincoln bedroom during Dad's presidency. In my rush to cover up I grabbed an original copy of the Emancipation Proclamation and used it as cleanup; I have to hear about that every Juneteenth, let me tell you.

Speaking of embarrassing, check out this...

(to be fair, I added the vote for Bush part, with the American flag)

Kerry tried catching a baby and inadvertently showed the world he couldn't catch, thus substantiating my entitlement to the thrown. Some people say that to be President of the United States, one needs to know the names of foreign leaders, the names of key foreign countries or the names of all 50 states. Well I might not be able to do all that, but I sure as hell can catch a friggin' baby if thrown at me, which in my opinion is as, if not more important.

Mood: Mellow

I’ve been meaning to talk to her about this recently, but Condi’s got an unusually nappy kitchen. I don’t know if she’s just ignoring it like she doesn’t care, or if she just doesn’t realize it, but I get so distracted! I swear one of these days I’m just going to sneak up on her and shave it.

Other than that, I pretty much always get an erection when Condi starts talking. It’s something about her being so powerful that just turns me on. Don’t tell me none of you think power is sexy… cause it is. I want to do her while she launches nuclear missiles at other countries.

I don’t have these fantasies because I don’t love Laura, it is just that those meetings get so damn boring; I have to think about something. When things get heavy, my mind starts wondering and dick takes over. Hehe, I just thought of something funny to myself.

Kerry is a Douche Bag

Yesterday Kerry attacked my lack of attendance with the Air National Guard... is nothing sacred Mr. Kerry? Is nothing sacred? This coming from a man who only fought in Vietnam for like 6 months and only won like 3 purple hearts. Please, my grandmother won more purple hearts than that; God Bless that woman for fighting so passionately in Korea.

Another thing; I started two friggin’ wars! How many wars have you started Mr. Kerry? Your war record isn’t looking so strong anymore, my dear sir!

Finally, Kerry questioned his own government’s actions in Vietnam. Now, I don’t know about you, but I find that just downright un-patriotic. Mr. Kerry had no right to question the decisions made by our honorable President Nixon. Our Presidents aren’t just men, they are kings among men, and I’m not just saying that because I am a President. Do you think we just make mistakes Mr. Kerry? No, sir; Presidents don’t just make mistakes like regular people. Most every decision made by a President is the right decision. No, all decisions are the right decisions. Except Japanese Internment and that whole Slavery thing, some argue that was a mistake. Oh, also the Bay of Pigs, and infecting the homeless with Gonorrhea, that was a mistake. Ok, like 99 percent of presidential decisions are accurate. That’s not the point! Whether it was right to go into Vietnam is irrelevant, the war was just. All wars are just. Well most wars are just. Vietnam was just just.

My country right or wrong!

Also, Condi if you’re reading this we’re having a PJ party tonight in the third room on the left down the hall on the second floor next to the oval office. Bring your own pillow.

My Lunch with Condi

Condi invited me to lunch today, and I was so excited! Finally some one on one time with her, and I was really interested in pitching my idea for getting rid of the gays.

I ordered a ham sandwhich and a cherry italian soda with whipped cream, and the waitress said I could keep the glass!

So anyway, we're sitting there just talking and it turns out she had something to tell me. It turns out she wanted to talk to me about this blog. She says it is a bad idea to be talking about presidential stuff on a blog. I can't really tell, but I'm willing to bet Donald had something to do with our little talk. She said that some people in the White House were worried I could accidentally leak secrets, or give the Democrats information which they could use against me.

But I told Condi that this blog wasn't for them! it's not like I'm writing this for Al-Kayda or the Democrats! It's just a blog for friends and family and whoever wants to check in. Sometimes all this political stuff gets way too out of hand. Everybody is worried about what others will think, but this is the internet; a safe place for me to express my opinions, doubts, and fears free from judgement. Sometimes I think nobody even understands.

I finally started my blog!

Wow, what a rough 3 years! Well I wanted to start this blog at the beginning of my presidency, but you know how things are. Being President seems like a full time job some days. I probably chose the worst time to start this blog, seeing as the election is coming up and all, but I told myself if I don't start it now, I'd probably just get distracted with another war or the current one and never get the site started! Dick says I should focus on "more important things like the election," but they're pretty much doing it for me anyway, and it's not like Dick ever listens to any of my ideas.

Anyway! I just got a new imac, and Condi taught me how to use it so I should be able to post pretty frequently. I hope you check in to see how crazy things get around the white house!