I'm on my knees!

Remember when you were in college and you had to call your mom up and ask for rent money? And she would say, “but I already gave you rent money this month, you need to stop spending it on beer!” And you would say, “Yea, but Mom, I’m so coked out of my mind right now, and I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t score some more white gold!” And she would say, “But that’s not what our hard earned money is for, plus you’re going to ruin your father’s chances at political office if you keep snorting up every last dime!” And you would say, “But mom, I’m already 15 grand in the hole and some guy named Mad Dog is going to ‘have intercourse with my excrement’ if I don’t get him the cash I owe him.” And she would say “Don’t use that language with me, how in God’s infinite mercy did you grow up in such a white neighborhood with that mouth?” And on and on and on…

Universal story, we’ve all been there. So you have to know how I feel when I say I made a mistake and invaded the wrong country and I need more money.

Iran ADMITS to trying to make WMDs, and now I feel like shit for making you guys spend all your time going over to Iraq back when we only THOUGHT they had WMDs. I was wrong; it takes a big man to admit that. Well, I’m not officially admitting guilt… once again I remind any reporters reading this blog that it is for friends and family only! These little posts should not be taken as actual White House policy. Ha! Lord if they did… Seriously, if I admit I’m wrong in Iraq, then people would want to pull out of there…

For the record: It is imperative that another President is forced to pull out of Iraq so I can save face. Come on, give me a break, I’ve been through enough in this presidency; it wouldn’t be fair to make me take the blame for losing this war and sending that poor nation into civil war. How could they even have a civil war! They don’t even own slaves!

To reiterate: Come on man! Help a brother out. Don’t stick me with this! I wanted to go down in the history books as the guy who didn’t screw up!

(How the history books would read if I wrote them)

Responsible Spending

You ever see Richard Pryor in that movie Brewster’s Millions and think to yourself, “Man how in the world would I spend 30 million dollars in 30 days? That’s a million dollars a day!” Well I’ve officially spent 1.5 million dollars a day on PR alone since 2003! I rock!

You know how Super Bowl commercials cost a million dollars? I’ve made it Super Bowl Sunday everyday for 3 years! I totally rock!

John Candy was in Brewster’s Millions… for 1.6 billion dollars I could have invented some technology to bring him back from the crypt to go around telling everybody what a cool dude I am, but instead we wasted it trying to sugar-coat a bunch of shit that I’m not ashamed of. Like when we got rid of all the poor people in New Orleans, or when we shot that dude, or when we lied about WMDs… that takes skills! I rock so hard!

Man, a zombie John Candy would totally rock even harder… I get the feeling he would be way worth his money compared to that chubby S.O.B working for me now.

(Now I would pay 1.6 billion dollars to see that any day. Look out Scott! Someone wants your job!)

Do the Iraqis really want us in Iraq?

We sent a team of 200 pollsters door to door in Iraq to find out, and the response was overwhelming. 58 of the nearly 59 pollsters who returned said that support for our troops in Iraq is high!

Tom Tancredo of Colorado says we should bomb Mecca if terrorists use a nuclear weapon against our cities… stick with me here, this may get a little hard to follow…

Question: Who is Godzilla?

Answer: The Japanese cinematic manifestation of nuclear destruction…

My point is; what would scare the shit out of our Islamic enemies more than nuclear weapons and a threat to blow up their most holy of holy sites?


Answer: Mecca Godzilla. Need I say more?

Did you know?

The President of the United States has the power to launch Nuclear weapons without prior approval from congress? And to think, I wasted all that time convincing them to let me go to Iraq when I coulda just brought freedom and Democracy to them the quick way. At least I feel a little more comfortable knowing that I'm the only one who can launch those weapons, and not some irrational, ignorant, unpredictable, belligerent whack job from Hicktown, USA. Well, what's done is done, I'll just take this lesson and learn from it for next time. *Wink!*


(Iran, South Korea, France; I'm looking at you!)

They Shut Off My Internet to Silence Me

Good news! I figured out a way to steal wireless internet! Wahoo! Just point my antenna out the Oval office window towards the Treasury Department and... Voila! Free internet! Best part about it is if they ever catch me downloading illegal music, the lawsuit gets sent to the Treasury – and they have a butt load of money so no worries.

Now, you might be saying, “Hey, Bush, you’re the president of the United Friggin States of America, most powerful man in the entire world; why do you need to steal internet?” Tom Ridge and National Security, that’s why! That sonofabiatch has been out to get me from day one, and I’ve just about put up with all the crap a man can take. He seriously needs to get up out of my grill before I beat his ass.

See the thing is he found out about my weBlog a little while back and has since then had a stick up his butt. He goes around telling people that I am endangering lives by discussing maters of States on the internet, and that this is a “childish endeavor” which can only lead to a breach of national security. Apparently on September 7th I accidentally released enough information on my weBlog post which would allow terrorists to decipher some of the nuclear launch codes, (I made a mental note to change the codes but had a brain fart, I’m human give me a friggin’ break!) blah blah blah, point of the story is, Tom Ridge has no right to read my Blog and then judge me on it. This is a private thing for friends and family or whoever, and he is abusing the privilege.

So the jackass shut off my internet to stop my weBlog. But what he doesn’t know is that I’m Bush baby! I’m invincible!

Mood: Mellow

I’ve been meaning to talk to her about this recently, but Condi’s got an unusually nappy kitchen. I don’t know if she’s just ignoring it like she doesn’t care, or if she just doesn’t realize it, but I get so distracted! I swear one of these days I’m just going to sneak up on her and shave it.

Other than that, I pretty much always get an erection when Condi starts talking. It’s something about her being so powerful that just turns me on. Don’t tell me none of you think power is sexy… cause it is. I want to do her while she launches nuclear missiles at other countries.

I don’t have these fantasies because I don’t love Laura, it is just that those meetings get so damn boring; I have to think about something. When things get heavy, my mind starts wondering and dick takes over. Hehe, I just thought of something funny to myself.

On My ipod: The Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

Cleaned my room today, blah! It is kind of disturbing to sleep in a room that has been slept in by about 40 other dead white guys. While cleaning I found a used condom under the rug, and we all know who left that there... that slut Jefferson. Ah who am I calling a slut? I know if I had a hot slave girl I'd be sleeping with her too.

So funny story...
Every month I'm given a new set of 10 digit launch codes for our nuclear missiles (IE: 83-6927-7328), and yesterday I realized that there are 10 numbers in the launch codes, and 10 digits in a long distance phone number... soooo I thought it would be funny to get on my phone and see who I reach. Well it worked! I ended up calling some guy named Andrew Lawson in Seattle, Washington. Needless to say we both had a good laugh over the whole coincidence; he even told me he was honored to have a phone number which was a nuclear launch code.

He did, however, seem a little concerned and suggested I have them change this month’s launch code just as a precaution, which I absolutely agree with. I’ve got to remember to write that down in my palm pilot so I don’t forget to do that soon.

Smeared black ink... your palms are sweaty
And I'm barely listening to last demands
I'm staring at the asphalt wondering
What’s buried underneath where I am?

-The Postal Service, the District Sleeps Alone Tonight

Swift Boat Veterans for Truth

Whoa, talk about some good luck! These guys turned their back on Kerry for less than we spent on the TV "spot". "Spot" is an industry term for a commercial. I asked Donald what would happen if the Democrats found any of my old Air National Guard buddies, but he said they'd been "taken care of." Christ! He over uses those quotation marks. We're "going out to lunch," that pinko commie has "gone to his last political rally," and Iraq has "WMDs." Come on Donny, I'm a grown man, you can tell me what you're really talking about. I think I really need to talk to him about how I feel. He wouldn't even let me speak at the 9-11 commission's hearings without adding something or interupting me. Sometimes I just feel so bottled up ya know? I can't really express how I feel in words, so I wrote a poem, it's not any good, but it kind of expresses how I feel, and it's nothing big, it's just a little something I did during one of our White House briefings, and I only spent like 5 minutes on it anyway, so here it is...

trapped in a cage
all alone
can't express my rage
not even on the phone,

I try so hard,
I try so long,
but everyone always says...
I'm wrong.

why won't they listen
why can't I try?
hey who's in charge here?
you... or I?

It's got layers, and it's still a work in progress, and I know if I really tried it wouldn't be so bad, but it's just something I felt like writing so there it is.