Soooo close...

(The clue is: A Saudi Arabian terrorist)

I just can't get this last crossword! It's impossible. I feel like I've been pretty close, but everytime I think I have it, my mind goes blank and I focus on something else, then when I go back to the word it's all jumbled up in my mind. I think I have dyslexia. I should ask for help, but at the same time I feel like this is MY crossword puzzle, and I owe it to myself to finish it alone or not finish it at all.

Oh hell, I just figured it out... Arab, terrorist, five letters: Sadam! For Christ's sake, that was so simple.

Wahoo!

Knock "Meetin' the Who's the Boss Guy" off of my "To Do Before I Die" list!


(I'm on the left next to some nobody - Tony Danza is the one with the huge head)

This is so cool I met him at a time when a space is opening up in the Department of Homeland Security! Tony will bring some much needed diversity to our team - the only other washed up daytime TV star in my cabinet is Dustin Diamond as the Secretary of Agriculture.

The list Shortens everyday I'm President!
"To Do Before I Die":

Meet the "Who's the Boss" Guy
Capture Osama Bin Laden
Capture Saddam
Mud wrestle with Saddam
Pet a Giraffe
Kill a Giraffe
Pet a midget
Kill a midget
Snorkle
Pickup Laundry (Bring your ticket!!)
Solve energy crisis
Hate a gay
Unite (Don't divide!!)
Fix a cock fight (small dog disguised as cock!!)
Punch the guy who played "Webster"
Punch the guy who played "Corky" on Life Goes On
Write the great American novel

Pssh, they don't have feelings anyway...

Well if you watch any of those liberal news stations like CNN or FOX you know what kind of shit storm I should be in, but this time around I have the will of the people, so it doesn't really matter what I do or say. That guy deserved it! I know he was supposedly "unarmed," and apparently "wounded," but those are just words - crazy ideals! They aren't tangible like Freedom, Liberty and Democracy. In the long run, that guy will be thankful we went in there and liberated him from Saddam. Hell, Saddam might have used bullets instead of freedom liberty and democracy, and that would have really hurt. So people of Iraq, there is no need to thank me, it was my pleasure.


(we are working on a prototype weapon that shoots Justice! all over the face of the unsuspecting terrorist)

Proof Saddam Considered Intending to Re-start Thinking about Re-Starting Iraqi Weapons Program!

All you liberal whackos out there who said Saddam wasn’t a threat to America? Well I have proof he was!

The CIA created a mind reading device (see photo)



which was placed on Saddam’s head late last night, and the results which came back were startling. Among the thoughts we extracted from his mind were these tasty unpatriotic, anti-American tidbits…

(Actual thoughts of Saddam)

“Man, what happened, this sucks.”

“I wish I was in Cuba.”

“Ya know, maybe I should have made weapons of mass destruction. Yes, in hindsight, if I knew they were going to invade me anyway, I would have made weapons. Damn, I should have been prepared. This is what I get for being optimistic.”

“I wish I knew that Osama Bin Laden guy right about now.”

“I have to admit, Bush did look very heroic in the weeks that followed September 11th; hanging out with those firefighters was a way better photo op than me shooting a shotgun from a balcony. I need to get that Scott McClellan guy. Hell, if i knew they'd invade me I would have helped Bin Laden with the attacks. I'm such a fool! Ah hell, I did everything wrong!”

“Is it potato, or potatoe?”

“Why me!?”

“I wonder if I could get that hot Abu Ghraib prison guard to come down here, strip me naked, and then walk me around on a leash again... what can I say, I have a thing for chicks with short hair in army clothes.”



So it looks like my doctrine of pre-emptive preemption based an assumptions was accurate… I dare anyone to dispute that!

The Debates...

Well. That went fairly well I think. Yeah, not too bad. Not the best. No. It could have been better. Ok, let’s be fair here; sure, I wasn’t on my game, in the zone, whatever, but I’ve got like 3 more debates anyway.

I did get one good point in; the blunt end of my glass of water.



Sonofabitch almost dodged that one too...

He’s a quick one that Kerry, you gotta give him that. Nonetheless I will stay the course, defeat the evildoers, bring freedom to Iraq with an Iron Fist if I have to (even if I have to kill every last Iraqi), honor the veterans, secure the homeland, September 11th, establish justice, promote the blessings of liberty, it’s a tough job we all know that, it’s gonna be tough, September 11th, Saddam Hussein was a bad man, the world is a safer place, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare an-n-n-d September 11th, September 11th and September 11th.

Son of a bitch! I mean come on! No one told me the damn debates were going to improvised let alone televised.

That John Adams was full of shit.

The whole Osama thing...

Ashcroft said I could pet Osama today. We keep him downstairs in the laundry room away from the tours through the White House. Ashcroft says we have to release him to the public in one month because of the election, so he is going to be transferred to a real prison pretty soon which is kind of a bummer. It has been three years, but we finally got him. I like it when the news reports talk about how poorly I’ve handled the war on terror seeing as I spent more time catching Saddam and it turns out he wasn’t even a threat to us, but they’ll all feel like total jerks when they find out I did catch the real threat.

If we have to put him down, I don’t want someone else killing him. He’s my arch nemesis, I’ll do it.

Liberal Media

When I get re-elected my first job will be to get rid of all these darn liberal media folks. First of all, the liberals are unpatriotic and anti-war which pretty much means they want another country to invade America and take us over because they don't like America and they want it to end. Second of all, the so called "Fair and Balanced Coverage" is hardly fair or balanced. Those darn liberals at Fox are constantly talking bad about me. I was watching the other day and Bill O'Reilly "reported" that I should take a firmer stand in the middle east and take out Iran because their citizens hate American principles too. Please Bill, like a pussy Democrat would do a better job at killing Arabs? Besides, Iran is on my TO DO list, and I thought of invading them way before Bill O'freaking-Reilly ever did. In fact, I'm planning to invade all of them, but the liberals down at Fox would love to see me fail. All they talk about is finishing the job in Iraq this and sending more troops to Iraq that.

Remember when I landed on the carrier, how cool that was? I was gonna take the troops out that week and call it quits, but noooooo! The liberals at Fox kept pointing out to the American people how screwed up it is - and so I had to keep more troops in, and soon I'm gonna end up sending more just to protect the ones that are already there.

If I keep all our troops in Iraq, how are we going to turn the rest of the middle east into a democracy?

That's another thing. If the Iraqi's aren't willing to die for freedom and democracy, why should we? Why didn't they do the job of getting Saddam out themselves if they hated it so bad? Why? Because they're a bunch of liberal pussies.

It's almost a good thing the liberals are such pussies cause I know they will never try to start a war to get me out of office. I could take a crap on the American flag and all they would say is, "he has the right to do whatever he wants." Ah hell no I don't! If I was President I would throw me in one of our secret prisons for doing that! We don't have the right to do whatever we feel like, cause if we did, things would just go crazy and everyone would go around enjoying themselves too much.

The only real reason the Democrats wouldn't invade the middle east is cause they're afraid of getting too much sand in their vaginas. That and the American people didn't really wanna go there either, but as I always say, WWGD. What Would George Do. Whatever I feel like.

Don't mess with Texas.