100 days and counting until I'm outta here.
Wow. 8 years. That's 8 years of my life I will never get back. I kind of regret signing up for this job; it was a soul sucker.
If you'll notice, the poll on the right shows I have a commanding lead over John McCain. But honestly - I don't think I could take 4 more years of me.
Sure, you could write me in on your ballot, but in the immortal words of the late great Danny Glover - I'm getting too old for this shit.
So who should you vote for? Well I don't know why you're asking me, honestly. But I'll give you my two cents (but I'm going to need that 2 cents back when you're done with it... what with the economy and all).
John McCain - old, and grumpy. Eh. Not a lot going on there.
Barrack Obama - possible terrorist, but has really good economic policies, a pretty decent tax plan, and a killer jump shot.
Bob Barr/Ron Paul - Go ahead, throw your vote away.
The problem with voting for John McCain is that he's got an idiot for a VP. So if he passes on (And trust me people at 72 you're pushing it), well then we're stuck with a whack job as president. Someone who can't control the insanity that spills from her mouth, who can't form a single coherent English sentence, and who doesn't even read a single paper. Hell people, even I read Mad Magazine once and a while!
The problem with voting for Barrack Obama is that he'll try to fix all the stuff I spent 8 years doing. Do we really want that? Think about what will happen to my legacy!
In conclusion: If you go to the polls on November 4th (it hasn't changed, has it?) think about all the accomplishments of my administration, and think about what would happen if he "changed" everything I did.
My Accomplishments:
Gas prices
The economy
The War in Iraq
The War in Afghanistan
The Environment
Torture
The National Debt
Tony Danza's Career
9/11
Spying on Americans
Global Credibility
Stopped Stem Cell Research
Airline Bailout
Located Bin Laden (narrowed down to 1 or 2 countries)
Unemployment
Privatized Military
Patriot Act
I haven't seen the trailer to the new movie about me coming out next week - but I'll be it will be good. Check it out!
Showing posts with label 9/11. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 9/11. Show all posts
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Hosni Mubarak Hates Brown People
Citizens. I swear to Gawd! You let a thousand of them drown in a national tragedy and they all of a sudden hate you, what’s the deal with that? I can totally relate to Egyptian President Mubarak right now, he must be feeling the pressure from those fickle pricks ever since that ferry tipped and about a thousand people died. To make matters worse, the captain of the ship was totally incompetent and fled the scene in the first lifeboat available… and just guess who the captain was… just guess!
(not me Jackass, the guy in the captain's hat trying to figure out where on the map he sunk his boat)
Former FEMA director, Brownie. I just knew appointing a man with a history of incompetence and zero experience behind the helm of a ferry was a mistake. But that is the price you pay for getting elected into office, you have to shell out the “spoils of war” to the people who helped you get elected… Then, when they screw up, you have to appoint them to a lower position overseas where the only people they can harm are foreigners.
Now before you get your panties in a bunch
Wait, what did I do after September 11th… I invaded
Except for that whole DC Sniper thing, and the anthrax thing, and the kid flying into the plane thing, and the series of attacks on embassies and US and
Oh, and if you think of anything else I did, please post a comment. I need someone to start writing this stuff down.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Bumper Stickers; self expression or retardation?
You know who I can’t stand? Besides the gays? The people who drive around with these lame bumper stickers…
Those people just really piss me off. And not even because they hate our troops, but because they think they’re somehow making a difference by declaring to the world their sentiments towards soldiers through the medium of a friggin’ bumper sticker!
Ok we get it, you hate our troops, la-de-friggin’-da, now watch while I cut you off asshole. Seriously, you white trash, rednecked, gun-totting, sister-marrying, inbreeds can blow it out your exhaust pipes, because you know what? You’re not doing anything! You’re not supporting or undermining anybody! You’re just ruining a perfectly good F-350 “Super-Duty” bumper.
Then those morons make it a contest to see who “hates the troops more,” by seeing how many ribboned stickers they can jam onto their bumper. Just because you have 4 of them running across the back of your car does not mean you are the most unpatriotic American out there, it just makes you the dumbest.
As President, I approve this rant.
Those people just really piss me off. And not even because they hate our troops, but because they think they’re somehow making a difference by declaring to the world their sentiments towards soldiers through the medium of a friggin’ bumper sticker!
Ok we get it, you hate our troops, la-de-friggin’-da, now watch while I cut you off asshole. Seriously, you white trash, rednecked, gun-totting, sister-marrying, inbreeds can blow it out your exhaust pipes, because you know what? You’re not doing anything! You’re not supporting or undermining anybody! You’re just ruining a perfectly good F-350 “Super-Duty” bumper.
Then those morons make it a contest to see who “hates the troops more,” by seeing how many ribboned stickers they can jam onto their bumper. Just because you have 4 of them running across the back of your car does not mean you are the most unpatriotic American out there, it just makes you the dumbest.
As President, I approve this rant.
Monday, February 14, 2005
Is nothing sacred to the terrorists?
Osama Bin Laden has no respect, none whatsoever, not even on our most holy of holidays. I left a construction-paper mailbox on the edge of my desk in the Oval Office, and I received several delightfully pleasant valentines from some co-workers (even Condi!), but Osama has to go and ruin my day by defiling the sacred tradition of the construction-paper mailbox with a letter laced with Anthrax. Not cool, Osama, not cool.
(forensic scientists have analyzed the letter and identified 4 pieces of evidence that link the letter to Osama – the handwriting, the reference to 9/11, the Anthrax which is a rare strain found primarily in the Afghani regions suspected of harboring Osama, and he wrote his name on the bottom)
(forensic scientists have analyzed the letter and identified 4 pieces of evidence that link the letter to Osama – the handwriting, the reference to 9/11, the Anthrax which is a rare strain found primarily in the Afghani regions suspected of harboring Osama, and he wrote his name on the bottom)
The only reason I’m not dead is because my secretary has been stealing candy from my desk for months, and I mistakenly accused Colin, effectively locking him out of the Oval Office, and locking her in. Just like the old tale of the farmer and the hungry rabbit! Needless to say she’s dead. Though, to be fair, she was being kind of a dick.
Friday, November 12, 2004
Michael Moore is Asking For It
Michael Moore has apparently announced plans to film a sequel to his Fahrenheit 9/11 – in response; I’ve decided to invade another country. Your move Mr. Moore, your move.
I call my plan the War on Documentaries. We relentlessly invade another country every time a film maker shoots a discouraging film about me, that way the film industry will realize it is useless to argue and will give up - just as the terrorists will realize their struggle is useless, you know, once we kill enough of them. It’s all in the numbers. You kill one Middle Eastern person, you have one less Middle Eastern person angry at you. The trick is, to kill their whole family though, that way you don’t get upset sons and daughters calling a Jihad on your ass. Ironic thing about that though, is once you kill an entire family, they tend to have extended relatives and country men angry at you. It’s tricky but we’re getting the hang of it!
So Michael Moore, if you read my blog, just give up. Hollywood will crumble under the mighty power of America, eventually. Don’t drag this out like the terrorists are… you’re not a terrorist… are you Mr. Moore?
(the difference between Hollywood and the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln - Hollywood just isn't as dramatic)
I call my plan the War on Documentaries. We relentlessly invade another country every time a film maker shoots a discouraging film about me, that way the film industry will realize it is useless to argue and will give up - just as the terrorists will realize their struggle is useless, you know, once we kill enough of them. It’s all in the numbers. You kill one Middle Eastern person, you have one less Middle Eastern person angry at you. The trick is, to kill their whole family though, that way you don’t get upset sons and daughters calling a Jihad on your ass. Ironic thing about that though, is once you kill an entire family, they tend to have extended relatives and country men angry at you. It’s tricky but we’re getting the hang of it!
So Michael Moore, if you read my blog, just give up. Hollywood will crumble under the mighty power of America, eventually. Don’t drag this out like the terrorists are… you’re not a terrorist… are you Mr. Moore?
(the difference between Hollywood and the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln - Hollywood just isn't as dramatic)
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Proof Saddam Considered Intending to Re-start Thinking about Re-Starting Iraqi Weapons Program!
All you liberal whackos out there who said Saddam wasn’t a threat to America? Well I have proof he was!
The CIA created a mind reading device (see photo)
which was placed on Saddam’s head late last night, and the results which came back were startling. Among the thoughts we extracted from his mind were these tasty unpatriotic, anti-American tidbits…
(Actual thoughts of Saddam)
“Man, what happened, this sucks.”
“I wish I was in Cuba.”
“Ya know, maybe I should have made weapons of mass destruction. Yes, in hindsight, if I knew they were going to invade me anyway, I would have made weapons. Damn, I should have been prepared. This is what I get for being optimistic.”
“I wish I knew that Osama Bin Laden guy right about now.”
“I have to admit, Bush did look very heroic in the weeks that followed September 11th; hanging out with those firefighters was a way better photo op than me shooting a shotgun from a balcony. I need to get that Scott McClellan guy. Hell, if i knew they'd invade me I would have helped Bin Laden with the attacks. I'm such a fool! Ah hell, I did everything wrong!”
“Is it potato, or potatoe?”
“Why me!?”
“I wonder if I could get that hot Abu Ghraib prison guard to come down here, strip me naked, and then walk me around on a leash again... what can I say, I have a thing for chicks with short hair in army clothes.”
So it looks like my doctrine of pre-emptive preemption based an assumptions was accurate… I dare anyone to dispute that!
The CIA created a mind reading device (see photo)
which was placed on Saddam’s head late last night, and the results which came back were startling. Among the thoughts we extracted from his mind were these tasty unpatriotic, anti-American tidbits…
(Actual thoughts of Saddam)
“Man, what happened, this sucks.”
“I wish I was in Cuba.”
“Ya know, maybe I should have made weapons of mass destruction. Yes, in hindsight, if I knew they were going to invade me anyway, I would have made weapons. Damn, I should have been prepared. This is what I get for being optimistic.”
“I wish I knew that Osama Bin Laden guy right about now.”
“I have to admit, Bush did look very heroic in the weeks that followed September 11th; hanging out with those firefighters was a way better photo op than me shooting a shotgun from a balcony. I need to get that Scott McClellan guy. Hell, if i knew they'd invade me I would have helped Bin Laden with the attacks. I'm such a fool! Ah hell, I did everything wrong!”
“Is it potato, or potatoe?”
“Why me!?”
“I wonder if I could get that hot Abu Ghraib prison guard to come down here, strip me naked, and then walk me around on a leash again... what can I say, I have a thing for chicks with short hair in army clothes.”
So it looks like my doctrine of pre-emptive preemption based an assumptions was accurate… I dare anyone to dispute that!
Friday, October 01, 2004
The Debates...
Well. That went fairly well I think. Yeah, not too bad. Not the best. No. It could have been better. Ok, let’s be fair here; sure, I wasn’t on my game, in the zone, whatever, but I’ve got like 3 more debates anyway.
I did get one good point in; the blunt end of my glass of water.
Sonofabitch almost dodged that one too...
He’s a quick one that Kerry, you gotta give him that. Nonetheless I will stay the course, defeat the evildoers, bring freedom to Iraq with an Iron Fist if I have to (even if I have to kill every last Iraqi), honor the veterans, secure the homeland, September 11th, establish justice, promote the blessings of liberty, it’s a tough job we all know that, it’s gonna be tough, September 11th, Saddam Hussein was a bad man, the world is a safer place, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare an-n-n-d September 11th, September 11th and September 11th.
Son of a bitch! I mean come on! No one told me the damn debates were going to improvised let alone televised.
That John Adams was full of shit.
I did get one good point in; the blunt end of my glass of water.
Sonofabitch almost dodged that one too...
He’s a quick one that Kerry, you gotta give him that. Nonetheless I will stay the course, defeat the evildoers, bring freedom to Iraq with an Iron Fist if I have to (even if I have to kill every last Iraqi), honor the veterans, secure the homeland, September 11th, establish justice, promote the blessings of liberty, it’s a tough job we all know that, it’s gonna be tough, September 11th, Saddam Hussein was a bad man, the world is a safer place, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare an-n-n-d September 11th, September 11th and September 11th.
Son of a bitch! I mean come on! No one told me the damn debates were going to improvised let alone televised.
That John Adams was full of shit.
Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Never forget...
I hate to say this, but the other day... I almost forgot. I was sitting there thinking to myself, Man isn't it glorious that America has never been humbled by a major terrorist attack, isn't it great that we've always had the Terror Alert System - color coded for maximum efficiency, and then I remembered... September 11th. They always say, "Never forget" and you think to yourself, "Uh yeah, thanks, I'm not going to forget... jackass." But it is true; it is extremely easy to forget if you aren't reminded all the time. And you know the news doesn't mention it hardly enough.
That is what makes the Republican National Convention so awesome; our understanding that the American People are too stupid to remember a national tragedy that is less than 3 years old. The Democrats just assume the American People are going to remember four planes crashing simultaneously across the country because the media burned the image into our heads for 6 straight months, but what the Democrats don't know is going to hurt them:
The image of the twin towers falling down is an easily forgettable event that must be exploited.
That is why I am proposing a bill that will make all TV shows flash an image of the twin towers falling down every 3 minutes, along with an image of me at ground zero heroically supporting the firefighters. So the American people will never forget the events of September 11th and my stunning display of leadership in the weeks that followed, even if they get down on their knees and beg God to wipe the memories from their tortured minds, they won't be able to forget how awful life was on that day.
Can you imagine how it would have been if Al Gore was appointed President? He would have gone down to ground zero and peed on the debris, then he would have told the firefighters to go fuck themselves because he has no understanding of how the American People really are. He wouldn't have spent weeks taking photo ops at the site of the accident, or secretly dismantling basic American liberties which could be exploited by terrorists. If it was up to him, colored people would still be allowed to have their rights read to them while being arrested. Next thing you know, the terrorists and gang members would be asking for lawyers! The Democrats are so retarded and gutless it makes me want to invade them and force them to start thinking the way I want them to.
Annnnyway, I told Andy Jr. about my idea and asked if he could help me, but he said there were a number of problems. First off he's the chief of staff, and I guess that's not what he does... Second off he told me I was the President, and making bills is not what I do... I explained to him that I've signed like an infinity of bills already, but he just doesn't understand my job apparently. Well I'll keep trying, and hopefully no one will ever forget again.
That is what makes the Republican National Convention so awesome; our understanding that the American People are too stupid to remember a national tragedy that is less than 3 years old. The Democrats just assume the American People are going to remember four planes crashing simultaneously across the country because the media burned the image into our heads for 6 straight months, but what the Democrats don't know is going to hurt them:
The image of the twin towers falling down is an easily forgettable event that must be exploited.
That is why I am proposing a bill that will make all TV shows flash an image of the twin towers falling down every 3 minutes, along with an image of me at ground zero heroically supporting the firefighters. So the American people will never forget the events of September 11th and my stunning display of leadership in the weeks that followed, even if they get down on their knees and beg God to wipe the memories from their tortured minds, they won't be able to forget how awful life was on that day.
Can you imagine how it would have been if Al Gore was appointed President? He would have gone down to ground zero and peed on the debris, then he would have told the firefighters to go fuck themselves because he has no understanding of how the American People really are. He wouldn't have spent weeks taking photo ops at the site of the accident, or secretly dismantling basic American liberties which could be exploited by terrorists. If it was up to him, colored people would still be allowed to have their rights read to them while being arrested. Next thing you know, the terrorists and gang members would be asking for lawyers! The Democrats are so retarded and gutless it makes me want to invade them and force them to start thinking the way I want them to.
Annnnyway, I told Andy Jr. about my idea and asked if he could help me, but he said there were a number of problems. First off he's the chief of staff, and I guess that's not what he does... Second off he told me I was the President, and making bills is not what I do... I explained to him that I've signed like an infinity of bills already, but he just doesn't understand my job apparently. Well I'll keep trying, and hopefully no one will ever forget again.
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Swift Boat Veterans for Truth
Whoa, talk about some good luck! These guys turned their back on Kerry for less than we spent on the TV "spot". "Spot" is an industry term for a commercial. I asked Donald what would happen if the Democrats found any of my old Air National Guard buddies, but he said they'd been "taken care of." Christ! He over uses those quotation marks. We're "going out to lunch," that pinko commie has "gone to his last political rally," and Iraq has "WMDs." Come on Donny, I'm a grown man, you can tell me what you're really talking about. I think I really need to talk to him about how I feel. He wouldn't even let me speak at the 9-11 commission's hearings without adding something or interupting me. Sometimes I just feel so bottled up ya know? I can't really express how I feel in words, so I wrote a poem, it's not any good, but it kind of expresses how I feel, and it's nothing big, it's just a little something I did during one of our White House briefings, and I only spent like 5 minutes on it anyway, so here it is...
trapped in a cage
all alone
can't express my rage
not even on the phone,
I try so hard,
I try so long,
but everyone always says...
I'm wrong.
why won't they listen
why can't I try?
hey who's in charge here?
you... or I?
It's got layers, and it's still a work in progress, and I know if I really tried it wouldn't be so bad, but it's just something I felt like writing so there it is.
trapped in a cage
all alone
can't express my rage
not even on the phone,
I try so hard,
I try so long,
but everyone always says...
I'm wrong.
why won't they listen
why can't I try?
hey who's in charge here?
you... or I?
It's got layers, and it's still a work in progress, and I know if I really tried it wouldn't be so bad, but it's just something I felt like writing so there it is.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Michael Moore
A lot of people assume I must hate Michael Moore because he's so mean to me in his movies. I didn't see Fahrenheit 9-11, but I hear it was pretty good. Siskel and the other one who's not dead gave it two thumbs up, so you know it's at least worth seeing right?
What a lot of people don't understand about me is that I am a compassionate conservative which means I am like Jesus. We both help the homeless, we both love all of Gods creatures, we both turn the other cheek when somebody else threatens or attacks us, we like wine, we both own large ranches and most importantly we forgive others. Now I forgive Michael Moore and everything, but seriously, if he had a problem why didn't he come to me in the first place? Like why does he have to go behind my back ya know? How would he like it if the Republicans criticized him, called him names, and then made up lies? Let me tell you how he'd feel; just like I did when I first heard about the film... I felt hurt. Anyway, I think things are cool now cause I'm pushing for this new anti-gay commandment, and I hear most people are like Jesus and myself - we enjoy homosexually "hip" TV shows, but we can't stand the people themselves.
What a lot of people don't understand about me is that I am a compassionate conservative which means I am like Jesus. We both help the homeless, we both love all of Gods creatures, we both turn the other cheek when somebody else threatens or attacks us, we like wine, we both own large ranches and most importantly we forgive others. Now I forgive Michael Moore and everything, but seriously, if he had a problem why didn't he come to me in the first place? Like why does he have to go behind my back ya know? How would he like it if the Republicans criticized him, called him names, and then made up lies? Let me tell you how he'd feel; just like I did when I first heard about the film... I felt hurt. Anyway, I think things are cool now cause I'm pushing for this new anti-gay commandment, and I hear most people are like Jesus and myself - we enjoy homosexually "hip" TV shows, but we can't stand the people themselves.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
