Mood - Apathetic

As most of you probably already know, Ukraine is having their own little election fraud situation, igniting panic and insecurity around the country. There are also rumors Ukrainian presidential candidate Viktor Yushchenko was poisoned - and if you haven't seen already, the pictures are quite gruesome.


(Before and after poisoning)

Now certain news organizations are coming forward claiming that the American government was behind the alleged poisoning. Let me make myself absolutely clear, for the record - I never said I wanted Viktor Yushchenko poisoned. I said I wanted Viktor Yushchenko killed. The difference - Viktor Yushchenko would look less like Mr. Yuck and more like a dead man, thereby ruining his chances at winning the election. You see, there is no way on earth a dead man could ever beat out a non dead man in an election (except for when Ashcroft lost to that dead guy, but admittedly the dead man had an excellent budget reform plan).

We went with our usual hitman; Ex-cop from Chicago turned vigilante killer. But for some reason he didn't come through this time. I'm somewhat disappointed in our man's choice of lethal options. Bomb, knife, gun, why he chose drugs I'll never know -


(surveillance photo of our man on the job - he's the one in the trench coat on the left)

Ashcroft "Resigns"

Well Attorney General John Ashcroft will have to resign for my second term, partly because of his unwavering support for the Patriot Act, his extreme religious views and his strong anti-abortion stance, but mainly because of his controversial “No Child Left Behind Act.” I know what you’re thinking, but no, it is not in any way related to my education act of the same name; it is quite a bit more gruesome.



Ashcroft heard some rumors about a messiah born somewhere in the country and he was afraid religious nuts might start worshiping him and take away from our power; long story short, he pretty much wants to kill American children. I tried reasoning with him; I explained there were other ways to kill Americans – discreetly! The man is a little nutso for the religion – I say anyone who’s that into religion has some confidence problems… Well I hate to see him go, but at least it will be a little quieter around the White House without him.

The whole Osama thing...

Ashcroft said I could pet Osama today. We keep him downstairs in the laundry room away from the tours through the White House. Ashcroft says we have to release him to the public in one month because of the election, so he is going to be transferred to a real prison pretty soon which is kind of a bummer. It has been three years, but we finally got him. I like it when the news reports talk about how poorly I’ve handled the war on terror seeing as I spent more time catching Saddam and it turns out he wasn’t even a threat to us, but they’ll all feel like total jerks when they find out I did catch the real threat.

If we have to put him down, I don’t want someone else killing him. He’s my arch nemesis, I’ll do it.

Listening to: Beastie Boys - Sabotage

I hate Thursdays. So close to Friday which is so close to Saturday. *Sigh* Spent the afternoon signing papers, met with another president from another country then had to sit through a speech given by young african american scholars... blah blah blah... so boring. I also spent about an hour shredding documents in the oval office. Ashcroft said if anyone found out we had secretly tried to abolish the first commandment we could be in serious trouble. Our founding fathers were smart guys, but some of those commandments are just ridiculous liberal wish wash. At least that's what Ashcroft said. He seems like a pretty smart fella, so I agree with him alot. If you don't, you have to hear more explanations... blah blah blah...

Highlight of the day: the airforce one pilot let me wear his headphones and talk on his radio!

For all the crap I put up with, those little perks are what make running for a second term worth it.