Our Lord was correct; masturbating with nudie mags was a sin of the past. That’s when it hit me – what gives American men hardons more than anything? Once upon a time it might have been Janet Jackson’s right boob, but in today’s modern world men don’t want to see breasts, vaginas, long legs or fallopian tubes, they want to see tanks and assault rifles shooting at other people, and perhaps, even killing them.
Remember when Pat Tillman died, and American men walked around with erections for like a whole week? That was super. Everyone was patriotic for like a whole month, and I realized, that’s what we need again. So in order to boost patriotism and erections, I’ve arranged for Chuck Norris’s bullet riddled body to appear on all the news stations next week.
Together we’ll all mourn the loss of this great hero, and fathers will sit down with sons and regale them with tales of when Walker Texas Ranger stopped an entire bus packed full of Mexican drug dealers aided only by his culturally diverse squad of Texas Rangers. If that doesn’t give you a hardon, then you’re probably a liberal with a fetish for naked women, and you should move to a coastal city where the other perverts live.
