Do the Iraqis really want us in Iraq?

We sent a team of 200 pollsters door to door in Iraq to find out, and the response was overwhelming. 58 of the nearly 59 pollsters who returned said that support for our troops in Iraq is high!

Tom Tancredo of Colorado says we should bomb Mecca if terrorists use a nuclear weapon against our cities… stick with me here, this may get a little hard to follow…

Question: Who is Godzilla?

Answer: The Japanese cinematic manifestation of nuclear destruction…

My point is; what would scare the shit out of our Islamic enemies more than nuclear weapons and a threat to blow up their most holy of holy sites?


Answer: Mecca Godzilla. Need I say more?

New Jesus Stud Calendar a Disappointment

(Jesus - October spread)


(Jesus - March Spread)

I usually approve of just about anything Jesus does, but I think his new “stud calendar” is just tasteless. It objectifies our Lord and Savoir Jesus Christ as nothing more than a piece of meat, no matter how good he might look.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Jesus, and I’m pretty sure he loves me, but is taking off your top and greasing yourself up really the best way to promote religion and raise a little money? It’s a slippery slope. First you allow divorce, then you allow goodly ladies to reveal their ankles, next thing you know we’re all dancing naked in the street and Jesus is posing nude in a calendar! Morals are not flexible. What was righteous and decent then is righteous and decent now. Sometimes I wish we could go back to a time when religion dictated everything we do so that we weren’t so immoral now.

As President and spokesperson for every man, woman and child in this country, I think the government should intervene… just a little!... so that religion doesn’t head down that slippery slope of impropriety any longer. By religion I mean Christianity (because let’s face it, there’s only one way to get to heaven, and I’ve got the key). So look out Episcopalians, I’ve had my eye on your left wing hippie nonsense for a while now…

The Moral Game!

Do your morals fall in line with those of the Republican Party? If you said “Maybe, I dunno I didn’t really think about it, but I suppose they very well could,” or something similar, than take the Moral Game Challenge!

I will show you 4 pictures, and of those 4 pictures, you choose which one has a right to life, and which one does not.

A.) An Iraqi

B.) A Criminal

C.) A baby

D.) Queers


The correct answer was C.), the baby. The baby has a right to life because it is too young to make mistakes like an Iraqi, a Criminal or a homosexual. Remember, according to the Republican Party Code of Morals (the RPCM) and our Lord Jesus Christ; every life is sacred, until it makes a mistake, and then it is acceptable to kill it. God would do the punishing of the wicked for us, but in this fast paced age of information and technology, he is just too busy – so it is up to the government to decide who should live and who should die.

Papa!

Oh Pope. If you’re so infallible, why are you dead? Just throwing that out there.

In all seriousness though, I understand the gravity of the situation, and I don’t want to poke fun at a man who will be remembered, if for nothing else, than for his treasure map which he bestowed upon me from the grave. Without giving away too much, let me just tell you how I stumbled upon his posthumous puzzle.

I was genuflecting before the Pope’s lifeless corpse when I instinctively noticed something peculiar. His hat was unusually shaped, much too much like an arrow, and not enough like a hat. It wasn’t long before I was ripping through the priceless art work cleverly positioned to disguise the location of the treasure map. Needless to say, the Holy Father understood that the layperson would be too dull witted to notice such a clever marker, but was aware that I would be attending his funeral and would easily crack the enigma.

Though finding the map was easy, deciphering it will prove difficult, as it has been written in a dead language I can barely comprehend. I believe scholars call it cursive.

Mood - Apathetic

As most of you probably already know, Ukraine is having their own little election fraud situation, igniting panic and insecurity around the country. There are also rumors Ukrainian presidential candidate Viktor Yushchenko was poisoned - and if you haven't seen already, the pictures are quite gruesome.


(Before and after poisoning)

Now certain news organizations are coming forward claiming that the American government was behind the alleged poisoning. Let me make myself absolutely clear, for the record - I never said I wanted Viktor Yushchenko poisoned. I said I wanted Viktor Yushchenko killed. The difference - Viktor Yushchenko would look less like Mr. Yuck and more like a dead man, thereby ruining his chances at winning the election. You see, there is no way on earth a dead man could ever beat out a non dead man in an election (except for when Ashcroft lost to that dead guy, but admittedly the dead man had an excellent budget reform plan).

We went with our usual hitman; Ex-cop from Chicago turned vigilante killer. But for some reason he didn't come through this time. I'm somewhat disappointed in our man's choice of lethal options. Bomb, knife, gun, why he chose drugs I'll never know -


(surveillance photo of our man on the job - he's the one in the trench coat on the left)

What the terrorists want, we won't give 'em...

Osama's right hand man (the equivalent of my Donny) left a taped message for America on TV yesterday.

"You can elect Bush, Kerry or Satan himself, it doesn't matter to us," Ayman al-Zawahiri said in a tape broadcast by the Arabic-language Al-Jazeera television network. "What's important to us is the U.S. policies toward Muslims."

So apparently the terrorists want fair treatment of Muslims... well we can't give them what they want because that would mean the terrorists have already won. So to err on the side of safety, I'm signing into law Executive order 9066 Version 2.0 - The imprisonment of all things brown. Nothing is more important to me than the safety of all non-brown Americans, because after all, isn't that what the founding fathers intended? If they wanted Muslims to have rights too they would have said something like "All men are created equal - including brown people." But they didn't. They obviously left that part of the birth of our nation open for interpretation.


(The imprisonment of all things brown - no exceptions)

Besides, let's face it people, brown = terrorists, there is even a website about it... http://www.brownequalsterrorist.com/. Seriously, we can all stop being PC about this crap and just come out and say it... we don't need darkies in our country anymore because the people of the South and Midwest have spoken semi-unanimously.

Ashcroft "Resigns"

Well Attorney General John Ashcroft will have to resign for my second term, partly because of his unwavering support for the Patriot Act, his extreme religious views and his strong anti-abortion stance, but mainly because of his controversial “No Child Left Behind Act.” I know what you’re thinking, but no, it is not in any way related to my education act of the same name; it is quite a bit more gruesome.



Ashcroft heard some rumors about a messiah born somewhere in the country and he was afraid religious nuts might start worshiping him and take away from our power; long story short, he pretty much wants to kill American children. I tried reasoning with him; I explained there were other ways to kill Americans – discreetly! The man is a little nutso for the religion – I say anyone who’s that into religion has some confidence problems… Well I hate to see him go, but at least it will be a little quieter around the White House without him.

Who Would God Vote For?

If you have any doubt in your mind about who to vote for in the upcoming election, let me just say that I think I have one very valuable endorsement from a little guy known as the Big Guy upstairs.


(Michelangelo's Creation of Bush)

Now, I can’t be for sure (after all, the picture is something I did in Photoshop and not an authentic Michelangelo rendition of the Creation of Man), but I believe I can assume the Big Guy is in favor of me for several reasons.

First of all, I went to war (not in the sense that I fought in war, but that I sent others to fight in war), and when America goes to war, God is always in our favor – against the gooks, against the japs, against the nips, against the krauts, against the reds, against the tories, against the rebs, against the spics, against the reds again, and against the bugs (rent Starship Troopers, brilliant documentary about one of our finest intergalactic victories). God wanted them all to lose, and for the most part they did, except the tories the second time around and some of the gooks.

Second of all, John Kerry is a Catholic, and we all know Catholics have a tendency to die during their first term as President – another sign from God that Catholicism is the worst/wrong religion.

Finally, if God didn’t want me to be President, He would have said something already, or tried to kill me in some obscure fashion thereby leaving evidence of His will, but simultaneously shrouding it in such obscurity that doubt would still remain. For instance, if I choked on, let’s say; a piece of steak, fell while riding some impossibly stable transportation device, or formed grotesquely visible legions all over my skin. Now those would be clear indicators from God that He didn’t want me to be President. Obviously nothing like that has happened during my Presidency, so we can assume God likes my political stance on issues like the Right to Bear Arms in Heaven, or the right to keep Gays out of Heaven. God works in mysterious ways, and God wants Four More Years!

The whole Osama thing...

Ashcroft said I could pet Osama today. We keep him downstairs in the laundry room away from the tours through the White House. Ashcroft says we have to release him to the public in one month because of the election, so he is going to be transferred to a real prison pretty soon which is kind of a bummer. It has been three years, but we finally got him. I like it when the news reports talk about how poorly I’ve handled the war on terror seeing as I spent more time catching Saddam and it turns out he wasn’t even a threat to us, but they’ll all feel like total jerks when they find out I did catch the real threat.

If we have to put him down, I don’t want someone else killing him. He’s my arch nemesis, I’ll do it.

Listening to: Beastie Boys - Sabotage

I hate Thursdays. So close to Friday which is so close to Saturday. *Sigh* Spent the afternoon signing papers, met with another president from another country then had to sit through a speech given by young african american scholars... blah blah blah... so boring. I also spent about an hour shredding documents in the oval office. Ashcroft said if anyone found out we had secretly tried to abolish the first commandment we could be in serious trouble. Our founding fathers were smart guys, but some of those commandments are just ridiculous liberal wish wash. At least that's what Ashcroft said. He seems like a pretty smart fella, so I agree with him alot. If you don't, you have to hear more explanations... blah blah blah...

Highlight of the day: the airforce one pilot let me wear his headphones and talk on his radio!

For all the crap I put up with, those little perks are what make running for a second term worth it.