The President's Blog

100 days and counting until I'm outta here. Wow. 8 years. That's 8 years of my life I will never get back. I kind of regret signi...

Poorly! HAHAHA.... cause she has no legs. This weekend, Republican Peter Roskam stood up against one of the dirtiest tricks from a Democrat ...

Children really are our most valuable resource... I never really appreciated the depth of this statement until I forced several of the brigh...

I’ve got the distinct feeling there is too much partisanship going on lately. Look at the news on any given day and you’ll see divisive is...

Why is it that we Americans faithfully return like an abused puppy or a bruised girlfriend to the source of all our troubles? Why is it th...

Al-Zarqawi is dead! We did it! We beat the war on terror! Man, thank Jesus that’s over.

I wake up in the morning, flip it to Fox News and am immediately barraged with a sea of bad news and slanderous opinions typical of the li...

A lot of people have been asking me to "please do something about the genocide in Darfur." But what can I do? They're in an ...

I believe it was the late great Richard Nixon who said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Well that’s bullshit. Here is a list ...

Remember when you were in college and you had to call your mom up and ask for rent money? And she would say, “but I already gave you rent ...

You ever see Richard Pryor in that movie Brewster’s Millions and think to yourself, “Man how in the world would I spend 30 million dollars ...

Um, don't read my last post - I just checked the news and it is irrelevant now. Basically I forgot to mention that I wasn't anywhe...

Oh God, Oh God! We’ve pulled some crazy shit in the past, but this is messed up! I don’t have time to detail the entire event, cause ...

Citizens. I swear to Gawd ! You let a thousand of them drown in a national tragedy and they all of a sudden hate you, what’s the deal wit...

Who does Cindy Sheehan think she is? My secret service guys had to arrest her just before my State of the Union address because she was wea...

You know who I hate? The army reservists. They bitch even more than women! In some cases they are women! And just for that, I have decided t...

I have a good excuse for not posting in over a month... I was at Crawford - tons of brush to clear. That, and I've got tons of shit to...

I rented Batman Begins last night, that new batman movie with Christen Bale, and excuse me, but I don’t understand why everyone thinks b...

One down, 34 dictators to go! At this rate, I could completely dismember the axis of evil in… one or two generations! Now you may be saying,...

I sent out a memo this Friday to everyone at the White House instructing them to attend Ethics Classes in light of the recent high-level in...

What I’m about to say is kind of confidential, and I don’t want you people spreading this personal anecdote around the internet, ok? My fath...

Massive tsunami kills 275,000 Death toll from Hurricanes Katrina and Rita tops 1,000 Subway bombing in London kills 40 Pandemic bird flu kil...

Alright, so I might not care about black people, but my mom’s a total bitch. She needs to learn to say "off the record" more ofte...

If you didn’t see it already, rapper Kanye West told everyone on national television that “ George Bush doesn’t care about black people ,” d...

(My niece Jennifer and I printing up a fresh batch) Can you smell them? Mmmm, just like Dad used to make. The best part about being Preside...

Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la. Lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalal...

We sent a team of 200 pollsters door to door in Iraq to find out, and the response was overwhelming. 58 of the nearly 59 pollsters who retur...

That's what I think of Sandra Day O'Connor for quitting. That's right, that's what she did! She's a quitter. Most peo...

What does the Michael Jackson court case prove? That no matter how evil you are, and no matter how much evidence there is to prove you ...

(Jesus - October spread) (Jesus - March Spread) I usually approve of just about anything Jesus does, but I think his new “stud calendar” is ...

Ok, I don’t want to be nit picky, but that is my line! I am clearly the originator of that line, so when I was watching the third and final...

Do your morals fall in line with those of the Republican Party? If you said “Maybe, I dunno I didn’t really think about it, but I suppose th...

So I just got back from visiting Georgia this weekend. Man alive! They are a bunch of backwater inbred hicks. I knew there were states ou...

I’m so hungry right now - I would eat a cow if it walked into the oval office, died, was ground into small portions, cooked, and then placed...

Oh Pope. If you’re so infallible, why are you dead? Just throwing that out there. In all seriousness though, I understand the gravity of t...

I have been dying to understand why Americans are so damn fat. I’m sorry, fat is a hurtful word, let’s use bloated. Bloated sounds too muc...

Do you ever gamble with your buddies? Do you ever play poker in a garage or put a friendly wager on some sort of sporting event? If so, yo...

So there I am, living it up down on my ranch in Crawford, getting some sun, moving some brush, or whatever the hell it is my PR people make ...

Please excuse President Bush Jr. from doing anything presidential until April, he contracted mono because he touches himself at night. Since...

(The clue is: A Saudi Arabian terrorist) I just can't get this last crossword! It's impossible. I feel like I've been pretty clo...

Does anybody know who John Edwards is? Not the guy who ran for VP but the “psychic” John Edwards – see picture below. He supposedly speaks w...

Say hello to General Lee.  I've been riding around in that hunk of junk Airforce One for 4 years now, so I decided it was time to pimp m...

I met a great connection for what sounds like some really high quality international dimplomacy while talking to my buddy last night on AIM....

Vin Diesel's The Pacifier tops the weekend box office! Everyone update your Apocalyspe score card! Sign #7: OJ finds the real killer Si...

Bubble tea is delicious. Red and Blue states can come together over this issue, set aside their differences and sit down to some good ol...

The Secret Service changed my codename yesterday to “Corky.” That’s the fifth time this month we’ve had to change my codename because someon...

You know who I can’t stand? Besides the gays? The people who drive around with these lame bumper stickers… Those people just really piss me ...

Osama Bin Laden has no respect, none whatsoever, not even on our most holy of holidays. I left a construction-paper mailbox on the edge of...

So I’m walking down the street yesterday and I tripped over a homeless guy. He was one of those crotchety old men who think that because the...

Well I hate the gays as much as any Republican, but come on now, what’s the deal with Sponge Bob being bad because he was gay! He’s a carto...

In a stunning, yet not too unpredictable turn of events, it looks like I have won the election in Iraq ! I will, however, have to look into...

The Mexican government has been distributing pamphlets to all Mexican citizens who request them, which detail information on how to survive ...

CNN reported that “scientists” have discovered Saturn’s moon Titan to be covered in Natural Gas… you know what that means. I’ve declared Sat...

So Rummy, Colin and I were out on the town this weekend getting our pre-funk on in preparation for the big blowout inaugural ball, when Rumm...

Well, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is quickly approaching, and you all know what that means - the big mattress/furniture sales will be out in...

Ah, horse shit. Only 12 days into the new year and I've already broken my New Year's resolution. 2005 is going to be a long ...

Remember in the first Ocean's 11 (the good Ocean's 11) when you thought everything was going great and according to plan and the wor...

The Indian Ocean takes all the fun out of my unanimous election victory. I offered 35 million dollars in relief funds - almost as much as my...

Most American’s believe I am sent by God to run this country, but did you know I also speak to him? In fact the other day I was given a prop...

My parents make it a point of bringing up the one officially evil thing I've ever done in my life. Ok, yes Mom and Dad - I got drunk an...