The President's Blog

Sorry?

2008-10-12T07:10:00.000-07:00

100 days and counting until I'm outta here.

Wow. 8 years. That's 8 years of my life I will never get back. I kind of regret signing up for this job; it was a soul sucker.

If you'll notice, the poll on the right shows I have a commanding lead over John McCain. But honestly - I don't think I could take 4 more years of me.

Sure, you could write me in on your ballot, but in the immortal words of the late great Danny Glover - I'm getting too old for this shit.

So who should you vote for? Well I don't know why you're asking me, honestly. But I'll give you my two cents (but I'm going to need that 2 cents back when you're done with it... what with the economy and all).

John McCain - old, and grumpy. Eh. Not a lot going on there.

Barrack Obama - possible terrorist, but has really good economic policies, a pretty decent tax plan, and a killer jump shot.

Bob Barr/Ron Paul - Go ahead, throw your vote away.

The problem with voting for John McCain is that he's got an idiot for a VP. So if he passes on (And trust me people at 72 you're pushing it), well then we're stuck with a whack job as president. Someone who can't control the insanity that spills from her mouth, who can't form a single coherent English sentence, and who doesn't even read a single paper. Hell people, even I read Mad Magazine once and a while!

The problem with voting for Barrack Obama is that he'll try to fix all the stuff I spent 8 years doing. Do we really want that? Think about what will happen to my legacy!

In conclusion: If you go to the polls on November 4th (it hasn't changed, has it?) think about all the accomplishments of my administration, and think about what would happen if he "changed" everything I did.

My Accomplishments:
Gas prices
The economy
The War in Iraq
The War in Afghanistan
The Environment
Torture
The National Debt
Tony Danza's Career
9/11
Spying on Americans
Global Credibility
Stopped Stem Cell Research
Airline Bailout
Located Bin Laden (narrowed down to 1 or 2 countries)
Unemployment
Privatized Military
Patriot Act

I haven't seen the trailer to the new movie about me coming out next week - but I'll be it will be good. Check it out!

How does a double amputee run in a senate race?

2006-10-01T03:32:00.000-07:00

Poorly! HAHAHA.... cause she has no legs.

This weekend, Republican Peter Roskam stood up against one of the dirtiest tricks from a Democrat this year. If you haven’t already heard, the Dems put a female double amputee Iraq War veteran in a state congressional race in Illinois. How low can they get? What a cheap ploy! I mean, come on, we all know women can’t hold office!

But Republican Peter Roskam called their bluff and rightly asserted that Tammy Duckworth (the legless woman) was going to “cut and run” in Iraq. True story! He actually told the Iraq war vet she would cut and run with her prosthetic legs… man, even I don’t have balls that big! Damn! I mean, damn… I once hit a blind man with my car at a crosswalk and told him to watch where he was going, but damn! Cut and run… hahaha… Arguably, it would be a slow run, probably more of a crawl as she clawed her way across the sand, dragging two lifeless stumps behind her, but it would be a run nonetheless. Hahaha… *sigh,* had I known this war would have had such hilarious side effects, I would have started it earlier and with more countries.

Peter Roskam, you sir, are a gentleman and a scholar. Please, everyone, contact Peter Roskam and tell him how hilariously outrageous you think he is, and remind him to keep up the good work. Way to go Pete, you’ve taken politics to a new level!

(Just look at that smug sense of satisfaction oozing from his receding hairline; that's the look of a man who knows he's a class act politician.)

On a separate note, what do you think of the new blog look? I thought this administration could use a little shake up, so I'm starting with the blog and I'll work from there.

Children: Our Nation's Most Valuable Resource

2006-09-27T19:05:00.000-07:00

Children really are our most valuable resource...

I never really appreciated the depth of this statement until I forced several of the brightest petroleum scientists from Exxon to explore the matter medically. Our children are rich in blood! Red Gold! Vampire Tea! Plasma!

For years, liberal politicians have been bullshitting their constituents with “children are this nation’s most valuable resource” garbage. As if children magically produced more kilojoules of heat energy than oil or coal, ha! But for once, the Democrats were finally right.

We're talking 50 dollars for a full head of hair, 200 dollars for a gallon of blood, and 800 dollars for a kidney! Just think about it, with 93,000 people on a waiting list for a kidney, my current ban on stem cell research, and a plasma shortage that borders on the absurd for a self proclaimed 1st world nation… our only solution is to roll into the ghettos with enormous armored ambulances disguised as ice cream trucks to harvest the weaker, poorer (ethnic) children!

I call this plan the NEW No Child Left Behind act. The OLD No Child Left Behind act failed miserably and left our schools in the worstest shape ever (my bad!). Naturally the most economical solution (and remember, I am an economic conservative) is to harvest their organs and reduce the enormous bureaucracy of our Public Schools. I guarantee you; our elite squadron of ex-navy seal organ-harvesting doctors will leave no child left behind. Not one.

You may say, "Hey, George, that sounds evil..."

Well yes. In a simultaneous announcement in conjunction with my "NEW No Child Left Behind” act, I will also be unveiling a comprehensive “NEW Axis of Evil” list. This one will include most nations, including America! We've been on the fence of evil for too long anyway, if we're going to catch the terrorists, we have to be evil like the terrorists (Cheney’s words, not mine). This way, our nation’s soldiers can regard the Geneva Convention as if it was written on toilet paper (little known fact; it actually was scrawled on high quality Charmin Ultra). No one can stop our terrorist torturing-fresh-out-of-high-school recruits, not even our courts!

Remember, we’re protecting our homeland from the terrorist so as to protect our children… and their precious, precious organs.

(Where you see a room full of future drop-outs, I see financial opportunity. While we're at it, we might as well collect from the teachers too.)

For an excellent commentary on the benefits of Organ Harvesting on the black market and the overall societal rewards, I recommend the Brazilian film Chronically Unfeasible.

On an entirely separate note… I need a kidney; if you are A positive, shoot me an email!

God damn anti-war neo-nazi skinhead democrats

2006-09-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

I’ve got the distinct feeling there is too much partisanship going on lately. Look at the news on any given day and you’ll see divisive issues tearing this country apart, and it seems to be down party lines.

I for one, have been doing my best (particularly on this blog) to reconnect Democrats and Republicans through open discussion and mature dialogue – take a look at any of my previous posts and you’ll see what I mean.

But leave it to the Democrats (or should I say, Demolition-crats… no, that’s not even really very funny) to attempt to destroy any bipartisan efforts made by our convivial Republican brethren. One of the latest examples of their irresponsible partisan behavior was when they rallied together to block our Republican attempts to keep minimum wage at Wal-Mart low levels! In the process of fighting for an absurd cause like raising the minimum wage, they stalled important legislation that would have increased congress’ pay.

Did you know that congressmen make less than the average-minimum wage of a dictator from a corrupt third world country? Appalling isn’t it? We’re talking about subsistence-luxury living in the mansions of Washington, DC.

My point is their partisan actions have put them more in line with Nazis than Americans. That’s right, I said it. Democrats partisanship has made them worse than Nazis. Donnie Rumsfeld was right to go out on a limb last week and compare Americans who spoke out against the Iraq war to Nazi sympathizers. And if the Democrats (or should I say, Demon-crats? Is that really even better or did I make it worse?) don’t hop on board the bipartisan movement… well then, they’re worse than Hitler.

During WWII, Hitler was opposed to invading Iraq because it was, and I quote, “No threat (to Germany), particularly during a time when (Germany) was involved in so many other conflicts around the globe.”

Sound familiar? I hear the distinct echo of dove Democrats (or should I say, the demogaogues… actually I’m not completely sure I know what that word means, so let’s just leave it at democrats).

So if you’re opposed to the War in Iraq, then you might as well vote for the Third Reich party this year, because that’s what Hitler would have wanted. No war in Iraq.

(Anti-war neo-nazi skinhead Democrats at the Democratic National Convention, espousing their biggoted message of non-violence)

Why Comcast is Quite Possibly the Most Evil and Corrupt Organization in the History of Things, and Why I, a Loyal Customer Keep Falling for their Lies

2006-08-31T18:26:00.000-07:00

Why is it that we Americans faithfully return like an abused puppy or a bruised girlfriend to the source of all our troubles? Why is it that we remain so loyal to a Group Of Pricks that repeatedly abuses our trust (probably intentionally)?

I’m talking about Comcast of course. Every year they promise to lower rates, and provide better, less complicated service. Instead, they sucker you in with low promotional rates, and then they crush you with charges and hidden rate hikes at every corner. And they say they’re about small business, and they say they are less intrusive in our every day lives than the competition. Yet they’ll figure out any and every reason to barge into your house to “check your modem,” or they will monitor your internet downloading activities and allow the RIAA to catch you downloading a shitty (can I repeat shitty?) version of Snakes on a Plane which was obviously filmed in a theater and sucked anyway. I digress.

My point is; they are the opposite of everything they say they are. They aren’t small. They aren’t committed to my privacy. Their rates are awful after the first month. And they definitely aren’t telling me the truth, EVER. Yet I come back to them, time and time again.

Every time I cancel my internet subscription and vow “Never again,” and every time I return. It’s like I’m sadomasochistic.

My friends always rave about their internet service, and what a great job they are doing and how they never have outages or hidden fees. I should just switch over, but instead, I defend my STUPID decision like a stubborn ass.

“Oh, I’ve never had them charge me for a modem I didn’t order.”

“Oh, Comcast has pretty fair prices, and they’re committed to decreasing my monthly bill.”

“Oh, Comcast has never put its penis in my rectum and committed acts of forced sodomy.”

I lie. I lie to cover up my mistakes, and my repeated subservience to a Group Of Pricks who do not have my best interests in my mind.

Can anyone tell me why we Americans so readily swallow their semenesque lies despite the fact it’s not in our best interests?

(The shadowy figure of the man from Comcast who came to take my money, but left with my dignity.)

V-DAY!

2006-06-08T09:17:00.000-07:00

Al-Zarqawi is dead! We did it! We beat the war on terror!

Man, thank Jesus that’s over.

Jimmy Hoffa Found, Reunited with Family

2006-05-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

I wake up in the morning, flip it to Fox News and am immediately barraged with a sea of bad news and slanderous opinions typical of the liberal media at that station. They’re always on my back about our intelligence capabilities. Sure, Fox News has never publicly denounced any of our wiretapping or phone trolling operations, and sure, they’ve even gone so far as to defend it as a necessary evil in our nation… but they chose to report it when they could have just looked the other way. Homocommiejizzbags.

But finally! The pinko queers in charge of the liberal media at FOX have finally begun reporting on something our intelligence community actually did right!

Now the FBI hasn’t divulged all the facts yet, and I don’t want to be premature here… but I feel like a teen again, with my hand down the panties of America and I can’t stop myself from secreting the trut… OOHHH GOD! WE FOUND HIM! WE FOUND JIMMY HOFFA! Ohhh lord, does anybody have a Kleenex?

Yes, 31 years after his disappearance, the FBI got to the bottom of Jimmy Hoffa’s case. Well, not officially, but he is as good as found. Watch out Mr. Number 1 on the FBI’s most wanted… we’re starting from the bottom and working our way up the list to crack all those unsolved crimes. Who is number 1 on that list anyway? Is it still MLK?

(Now that the riddle of Hoffa�s body has been solved, the FBI is seeking information on the where-abouts of members of the Showaddywaddy gang in attempts to finally uncover who put the bop in the bop-sh-bop-sh-bop. Have you ever seen a more suspicious looking group? My bet is we�ll have the black guy in prison in less than 24 hours.)

If George Clooney is mad, it MUST be important

2006-05-02T23:43:00.000-07:00

A lot of people have been asking me to "please do something about the genocide in Darfur." But what can I do? They're in an entirely different country on what I suspect is an entirely different continent. And I'm just one man... one. man. Believe me, I wish we could just go over there, stop the genocide, and then install a democracy, but that's not what we do!

The best strategy is to sit back and wait until the time is right and all those Sudanese boys are dead. Then, several years after that when the Sudanese government has started to cooperate with the UN, and the President has reformed his ways... we strike. Then dig up the mass graves, promise never again, and try the President in a mock trial until he has a heart attack and dies of old age.

Some of you may be saying to yourselves, "Hey, that's just dumb." But I argue it is the most politically advantageous action we can take to assure a majority seat holding in the senate in 10 years.

The President of Sudan will be sitting in his spiderhole many years from now saying, "What the truck? Why did they strike now?" He'll be totally confused. And that's the best form of revenge.

We need to send a message to the evildoers that if you commit a crime, we might not stop you, but we sure as hell will not forget your atrocities during the next midterm election.

(normally this is where I put a hilariously photoshopped image of the Sudanese President doing something whacky… but this shit is just too depressing to mock. Instead, please enjoy Davy the upside turtle.)

(it beats the crap out of what's going on in Sudan)

Oh, and for all of you bitching about Darfur and the lost boys, quit your crabbing. Sudan sucks, but it ain't even the worst place in Africa... besides, shouldn't you be worried about your gas prices or something important like that?

Land of the Free and Home of the Afraid of Everything

2006-04-11T01:37:00.000-07:00

I believe it was the late great Richard Nixon who said, “We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Well that’s bullshit. Here is a list of things the government thinks you should be afraid of:

Iraqis
Terrorism
Homosexuals
Immigrants
Losing shit job to illegal immigrants
Other Americans
Zombie Jesus
Taxes
Terrorists
Intellectuals
Terrorists posing as intellectuals
New Yorkers
Coloreds
God’s Wrath
Terror
Zombie aborted fetuses
Rock and/or Roll
Rap
Gangs, but not guns
The sex out of wedlock
Tainted moral fiber
SAN FRANCISCO

Some say the Republican Party has turned America into a bunch of whimpering paranoid pussies, but I like to think we’ve made the American people more aware of the unheard of dangers that lurk in every single shado - LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! Hehe, just keeping you on your toes. Remember this country is not, and never has been safe from anything ever. Don’t let the democrats convince you that you shouldn’t be afraid, because if you aren’t, the - OH MY GOD YOU’RE GOING TO DIE! Scared yet?

I'm on my knees!

2006-03-15T00:54:00.000-08:00

Remember when you were in college and you had to call your mom up and ask for rent money? And she would say, “but I already gave you rent money this month, you need to stop spending it on beer!” And you would say, “Yea, but Mom, I’m so coked out of my mind right now, and I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t score some more white gold!” And she would say, “But that’s not what our hard earned money is for, plus you’re going to ruin your father’s chances at political office if you keep snorting up every last dime!” And you would say, “But mom, I’m already 15 grand in the hole and some guy named Mad Dog is going to ‘have intercourse with my excrement’ if I don’t get him the cash I owe him.” And she would say “Don’t use that language with me, how in God’s infinite mercy did you grow up in such a white neighborhood with that mouth?” And on and on and on…

Universal story, we’ve all been there. So you have to know how I feel when I say I made a mistake and invaded the wrong country and I need more money.

Iran ADMITS to trying to make WMDs, and now I feel like shit for making you guys spend all your time going over to Iraq back when we only THOUGHT they had WMDs. I was wrong; it takes a big man to admit that. Well, I’m not officially admitting guilt… once again I remind any reporters reading this blog that it is for friends and family only! These little posts should not be taken as actual White House policy. Ha! Lord if they did… Seriously, if I admit I’m wrong in Iraq, then people would want to pull out of there…

For the record: It is imperative that another President is forced to pull out of Iraq so I can save face. Come on, give me a break, I’ve been through enough in this presidency; it wouldn’t be fair to make me take the blame for losing this war and sending that poor nation into civil war. How could they even have a civil war! They don’t even own slaves!

To reiterate: Come on man! Help a brother out. Don’t stick me with this! I wanted to go down in the history books as the guy who didn’t screw up!

(How the history books would read if I wrote them)

Responsible Spending

2006-02-24T01:07:00.000-08:00

You ever see Richard Pryor in that movie Brewster’s Millions and think to yourself, “Man how in the world would I spend 30 million dollars in 30 days? That’s a million dollars a day!” Well I’ve officially spent 1.5 million dollars a day on PR alone since 2003! I rock!

You know how Super Bowl commercials cost a million dollars? I’ve made it Super Bowl Sunday everyday for 3 years! I totally rock!

John Candy was in Brewster’s Millions… for 1.6 billion dollars I could have invented some technology to bring him back from the crypt to go around telling everybody what a cool dude I am, but instead we wasted it trying to sugar-coat a bunch of shit that I’m not ashamed of. Like when we got rid of all the poor people in New Orleans, or when we shot that dude, or when we lied about WMDs… that takes skills! I rock so hard!

Man, a zombie John Candy would totally rock even harder… I get the feeling he would be way worth his money compared to that chubby S.O.B working for me now.

(Now I would pay 1.6 billion dollars to see that any day. Look out Scott! Someone wants your job!)

Revision - He's not dead.

2006-02-12T16:06:00.000-08:00

Um, don't read my last post - I just checked the news and it is irrelevant now. Basically I forgot to mention that I wasn't anywhere near the incident, and I had nothing to do with it, I swear. Also, I have decided to move back to the White House. On a side note, does anybody know how to delete old posts from a blog?

Cheney Killed a Guy!

2006-02-11T19:01:00.000-08:00

Oh God, Oh God! We’ve pulled some crazy shit in the past, but this is messed up!

I don’t have time to detail the entire event, cause I’m kind of in Mexico right now in a touristy internet café, but basically we were hunting and this bird pops up and Dick Cheney shot at it, and now our hunting partner is dead. I heard a shot, I heard a scream and I saw blood; lots and lots of blood. We didn’t stick around, we just saw the guy go down and then we booked it!

I have never run so fast in my life! The whole time I was thinking, “just don’t look back, keep running from this place until people forget your name,” and by the time I regained my senses we were more than a mile from where we killed the guy. By then we both knew it was too late and he had probably bled to death, so I told my pilot I had some urgent business in Tijuana and now I’m here.

Man this sucks! I really liked having power and stuff too. I guess since Cheney and I have fled the country that puts Dennis Haster and that crazy bastard Ted Stevens from Alaska in office. Horse shit! If people thought we were incompetent, just you wait.

Balls! I guess I better brush up on my Español.

(This is me working at my new seasonsal job for Signor Melquiades Estrada. I don't think I even need to mention why this is ironic)

Hosni Mubarak Hates Brown People

2006-02-07T23:17:00.000-08:00

Citizens. I swear to Gawd! You let a thousand of them drown in a national tragedy and they all of a sudden hate you, what’s the deal with that? I can totally relate to Egyptian President Mubarak right now, he must be feeling the pressure from those fickle pricks ever since that ferry tipped and about a thousand people died. To make matters worse, the captain of the ship was totally incompetent and fled the scene in the first lifeboat available… and just guess who the captain was… just guess!

(not me Jackass, the guy in the captain's hat trying to figure out where on the map he sunk his boat)

Former FEMA director, Brownie. I just knew appointing a man with a history of incompetence and zero experience behind the helm of a ferry was a mistake. But that is the price you pay for getting elected into office, you have to shell out the “spoils of war” to the people who helped you get elected… Then, when they screw up, you have to appoint them to a lower position overseas where the only people they can harm are foreigners.

Now before you get your panties in a bunch America, I just want you to remember… September 11^th. Remember what I did after September 11^th? Or have you forgotten?...

Wait, what did I do after September 11^th… I invaded Afghanistan and killed Osama… or wait, did I kill him? I forget now… I united the country! Or did it just kind of get united and patriotic on its own… I invaded Iraq… but I really don’t think we should bring that up right now… I’ve got it! I took away our Civil Liberties! And you haven’t seen a single terrorist attack since!

Except for that whole DC Sniper thing, and the anthrax thing, and the kid flying into the plane thing, and the series of attacks on embassies and US and UK interests overseas… well nuts. Why do people like me? Wait, I’m totally responsible for that thing where the guy was going to choke on a pretzel and die, and I stepped up and saved the day! If I can save just one life, then I have made it all worth it.

Oh, and if you think of anything else I did, please post a comment. I need someone to start writing this stuff down.

Can you blame me?

2006-02-04T19:44:00.000-08:00

Who does Cindy Sheehan think she is? My secret service guys had to arrest her just before my State of the Union address because she was wearing an anti-war T-Shirt. I’m sorry, but you can’t just go around saying and doing and thinking whatever you want! A democracy isn’t about dissent, and angry grieving mothers defending their right to speak!

Democracy is about the pomp and circumstance of a speech! It’s about traditions, like wearing a suit and a tie, standing, applauding, sitting down again, and being a white male.

Now I don’t purport to know everything… haha, Lord knows I’m not the brightest cookie in the tool shed, hell, I barely passed my Harvard entrance exam. Well hell, now that we’re being honest, I barely got through Harvard. To be really honest, there are a number of professors who are better off today than they were before they met me simply because I needed a passing grade in some Podunk general education requirement course!

God it feels good to be honest once and a while!

Well I completely forgot what I was talking about, but when it comes down to it, what more is there to say? Throwing her in jail for expressing her first amendment right is not illegal. The real crime would have been letting a woman with a face like a a slapped donkey be seen on television at the State of the Union. I did my part for my country.

(I don't mean to be mean or anything but... WOOF)

Are you offended yet?

2006-01-29T16:01:00.000-08:00

You know who I hate? The army reservists. They bitch even more than women! In some cases they are women! And just for that, I have decided to cut their budget. Why would I do that? Cause I’m a dick? No. Because I can, and to teach them a lesson.

“But we don’t have enough money to begin with!”

Well cry me a river girly girls. You should have signed up for the military because you love your country, not for the pay. Wait, you do love your country right?

“Oooh, but I’ve been in Iraq for more than a year.”

I don’t want to hear it, if I did, I would hold frank and honest discussions with key members of the military, but I don’t cause that’s how I roll. For instance, the other day the Pentagon tried to tell me that troop levels were dangerously low and that the army was at risk of having a “broke back." You know what I said? I told em straight.

“Screw you queers! I don’t want anything to do with homosexual cowboys in the military no matter how low troop levels get!”

Which brings me to another point… what’s with the 82nd airborne? Did you hear about how they posed for nude pictures on a gay website? I tell ya, I lost all respect for them right there. Sure, they risk their lives in battle conditions I’ve never witnessed and done braver things than all the straight guys I know, but come on. Sex in the butt is only for wimps. Real men have sex in another hole, because it is manly. Thank God I have the manly courage to stand up and discredit them in front of the whole nation, then give them a dishonorable discharge.

Annnnnd another thing! Did you hear about how Washington State passed a law that says you can’t discriminate against homosexuals in the work place? Does that mean the army has to stop discriminating against Washington troops too? I don’t think it is fair to hold the government to the same strict guidelines that, for instance, the good workers at Starbucks are held too. A barista there can make upwards of 8.25 an hour (minimum wage)! The government would be out of business if we paid our social workers or teachers that kind of dough!

To conclude, the only ones to blame for poor results in Iraq are the troops, and not the brave souls who planned the invasion. Plus, with the extra money I’ll save from cutting troop funding, I’ll be able to partially pay for the reinforcement of security at the White House in preparation for the Easter Egg Roll which the homosexuals plan on crashing.

(this is what the White House Easter Egg Roll would look like if we let the queers from the 82nd airborne and their families participate)

Excuses, excuses, excuses...

2005-12-13T00:31:00.000-08:00

I have a good excuse for not posting in over a month... I was at Crawford - tons of brush to clear. That, and I've got tons of shit to cover up.

Hollywood's idea of wasting billions of dollars: A movie with no end.

2005-12-13T00:22:00.000-08:00

I rented Batman Begins last night, that new batman movie with Christen Bale, and excuse me, but I don’t understand why everyone thinks batman is such a stand up dude. He rampages through a city destroying everything in his path just to bring to justice one insane criminal.

ONE insane criminal who killed maybe, I dunno, like a couple hundred people. But he didn’t even kill them onscreen, his cronies killed them offscreen. His cronies! In the process of bringing this insane criminal to justice, Batman probably murdered, I dunno, I’m going to take a wild guess here, maybe like, 30,000 people! That estimate may even be low, it’s not the point. The point is; what good is a superhero if he destroys cities and accidentally kills the people he’s trying to protect?

The movie is retarded, it is so fictional it makes me want to puke. That stuff couldn’t happen in real life, it’s not even remotely grounded in reality. If an insane vigilante do-gooder tried to bring insane criminals to justice with a kill ratio like Batman’s, he’d be strung up by the neck and dragged through the streets. The movie is just retarded. And it had no end! If a movie is going to suck, it should at least suck quickly.

Thank god its fiction.

('the tumbler' - Batman's ridiculously over-armored, ridiculously overpriced car of choice terrorizing the streets of Gotham City in Christian Bale's new action packed thriller Batman Begins.)

CIA report: Castro likely has Parkinson’s

2005-11-16T19:08:00.000-08:00

One down, 34 dictators to go! At this rate, I could completely dismember the axis of evil in… one or two generations!

Now you may be saying, hey, Georgie-boy, it is highly unlikely you infected Castro with a disease which isn't contagious. You’d be wrong, stupid. The CIA has been trying to knock off that bastard for some 40 odd years now, and finally the sweet taste of revenge is in our grasps!

I’ve also infected Osama bin Laden with the debilitating brain disease, and in 30 to 40 years he should start showing symptoms, and after that, it’s only a matter of time before he’s dead! Sure, the Cold War is over, and in all likelihood the War on Terror will be over by the time Osama kicks off, but the point is he’ll be dead. These kinds of things take time; you don’t want to rush revenge.

Enemies of America beware! Like Castro, you too will be brought to justice. In time.

Ethics in the White House

2005-11-06T20:30:00.000-08:00

I sent out a memo this Friday to everyone at the White House instructing them to attend Ethics Classes in light of the recent high-level indictments at the White House, and I made it very clear in the memo there will be, “No exceptions.” Well, except for me. And Laura. And my dog Barney. That’d just be ridiculous (yet adorable)! Can you imagine! A dog, taking ethics classes! Ha! Adorable!

On a totally unrelated note, can anybody give me an example of irony? I've got this bet with this friend and we're trying to come up with the most ironic thing we can possibly think of, so if anybody stumbles upon an ironic situation or news event, please forward it along to me.

xoxo,
The President

Spies Like Us

2005-11-01T01:52:00.000-08:00

What I’m about to say is kind of confidential, and I don’t want you people spreading this personal anecdote around the internet, ok?

My father was in the CIA.

(my father in disguise with an unidentified man)

I’m not lying! He was an honest to God spook for the Central Intelligence Agency. This is how I found out…

I did a Google search for the words “CIA” and “President Bush” because I was trying to figure out what this whole Valerie Plame thing is about, and what it has to do with me (Cheney’s been keeping me out of the loop lately, and the New York Times is too wordy). So I clicked on ‘I’m feeling lucky’ and what do you know… George H. W. Bush: Director of the CIA. Dad! How come he never told me!

Now, this is exciting news; my dad was a spy! But I need you people to keep it secret. Remember, this is a personal Blog for friends and family, not for terrorists! Don’t go around publishing news articles or something stupid like that because it could compromise his secret identity as an average citizen/former President of the United States.

Can you imagine the amount of terror a spy would go through upon discovering that he/she had been outed? Not only is it a felony, but it is an abomination, and a breach of national security! Whosoever sinks low enough in life to divulge the secret identity of a spy is verily an asshole. I dare say I would rank them as low as the terrorists.

So. Back to my google search. In the mean time, if anyone wants to tell me what’s going on with the whole Valeria Plame thing, please, send a message my way. Cause I am so in the dark, it is ridiculous.

Email: Sonovabush@gmail.com (will trade National Secrets for a brief 2 to 3 page summary; double spaced, times new roman – my name at the top of the page on the left hand side along with date and subject)

Does anybody else smell sulfur?

2005-10-15T16:05:00.000-07:00

Massive tsunami kills 275,000
Death toll from Hurricanes Katrina and Rita tops 1,000
Subway bombing in London kills 40
Pandemic bird flu kills hundreds and threatens the world
Earthquake in Pakistan kills 40,000
Gas prices skyrocket and kill my polls
Chief Justice Rehnquist dies, at least one dead
CBS picks up Ted Danson for another season

I get the distinct feeling something bad is about to happen to the people of earth, or that something bad is happening to the people of earth. It seems like everyday things just keep getting worse and worse, and now “scientists” are predicting the bird flu pandemic could soon begin spreading from person to person with a kill ratio of 1 in 2. I just… I just get the distinct feeling God might be trying to punish us for our arrogant ways… or maybe he’s trying to punish us for not being arrogant enough. I’ll have one of my secretaries look into that.

(alongside unusually warm weather patterns in the last decade, I’ve been noticing an increased number of horsemen running through my front yard, which white house aid Stephen Johnson has assured me is attributed to the Earth's natural fluxuation in horsemen)

At least the Iraq insurgency has been quelled and American service men have stopped dieing.

This, by the way, is off the record

2005-09-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I might not care about black people, but my mom’s a total bitch. She needs to learn to say "off the record" more often. She flat out told a reporter regarding Katrina refugees that…

"What I’m hearing which is sort of scary is they all want to stay in Texas. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this--this (she chuckles slightly) is working very well for them." CNN

Great work Mom, now in order to look… well, not racist, we have to adopt a black family and house them in my old room in Texas. They’re totally going to tear down all my posters and replace them with abominations like “Jay-Z” or “P-Diddy.”

Gene Simmons does not belong next to Fiddy Cent!!

Another thing the media’s done for my reputation is make it seem like I went out of my way to leave black people stranded in the Superdome, which is not true! I did not go out of my way to leave them stranded there; I just kind of let it happen. I did, however, go out of my way to save about 30 white people, but you hardly hear the US media talking about that! The BBC, on the other hand, picked up a report on the elaborate undercover military operation I ordered which rescued 30 British nationals. They even had the decency to post testimonials like Jenny Sachs on the BBC website which explains how hard it was for our men in uniform to pluck 30 pale faced foreigners out of a crowd of starving, desperate, angry black Americans. That is bravery… God bless our troops.

Kanye West Doesn’t Care about Me

2005-09-11T22:46:00.000-07:00

If you didn’t see it already, rapper Kanye West told everyone on national television that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people,” during a charity event to raise money for Katrina victims.

So what?

(probably my last visit to the BET awards)

Another Fresh Batch

2005-09-07T01:36:00.000-07:00

(My niece Jennifer and I printing up a fresh batch)

Can you smell them? Mmmm, just like Dad used to make.

The best part about being President is this is totally legal! If I pulled this kind of stunt back when I owned the Texas Rangers there would be major legal ramifications... like fines, citations, public apologies and what not. When you live next door to the Treasury building and are responsible for starting and/or winning wars, no one thinks twice about printing up a batch.

It's like when I'm the banker whenever we play Monopoly; I have an endless supply of money at my disposal. Now don't get me wrong, I care about the national debt. It's absolutely atrocious... what's it at now? 3? 4 billion? Who knows! The important thing to remember is that we don't have to worry about it... Jennifer's generation has to worry about it. I plan on being knee deep in the grave at that point, and if you know what's good for you, you should too.

If you're in the area, stop by tomorrow. I plan on making some oatmeal-raisin fifties.

In Regards to Recent Concerns about the Increasing Costs and the Growing Insurgency in Iraq:

2005-09-06T10:53:00.000-07:00

Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la. Lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa, laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala! Lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la. Lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalala. Lalala lala lalalaalaalaa lalala laaa, lala laaalaa lalala lalalaaa? La. Lalalalalala. Lalalalala. I’m not listening! Lalalalala. Lalalala lala lala lalalalalaa laalalala lalalla. Lalalala lala lalaala lalal laalala lalalal; lalalala lalal lala lalalalalal lalaalala. Lalalala lalalala lalal, lalalalal lalalalalal, lalalla lalallalala llalal lalal lalalalalal. Lalalalala, lalalala lalal laalaaa lalaaa. Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la. Lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalala. Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la. Lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalala. Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la. Lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalala.

Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la. Lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa, laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala! Lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la. Lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalala. Lalala lala lalalaalaalaa lalala laaa, lala laaalaa lalala lalalaaa? La. I can’t hear you! Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la. Lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa, laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala! Lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalalala lalalal lalala lal lal lalalalala la lalala lala la lalalalala lala lalalalala la. Lalal la lal lalal lalala lalala lala lalaalalalala lala lala laalalaaa laalaaa laaala lalala lalalaalala lalala lala laala lala lalala lala lalala lalalaa lala lalaalalaaala. Lalala. Lalala lala lalalaalaalaa lalala laaa, lala laaalaa lalala lalalaaa? La.

I thought I had made myself clear about the situation in Iraq, but the media continues to ask the same questions, so for the last time... lalalalaa. I hope this clarifies things.

Do the Iraqis really want us in Iraq?

2005-07-26T10:31:00.000-07:00

We sent a team of 200 pollsters door to door in Iraq to find out, and the response was overwhelming. 58 of the nearly 59 pollsters who returned said that support for our troops in Iraq is high!

Tom Tancredo of Colorado says we should bomb Mecca if terrorists use a nuclear weapon against our cities… stick with me here, this may get a little hard to follow…

Question: Who is Godzilla?

Answer: The Japanese cinematic manifestation of nuclear destruction…

My point is; what would scare the shit out of our Islamic enemies more than nuclear weapons and a threat to blow up their most holy of holy sites?

Answer: Mecca Godzilla. Need I say more?

Sandy Dry Ol'Cooter

2005-07-25T12:34:00.000-07:00

That's what I think of Sandra Day O'Connor for quitting. That's right, that's what she did! She's a quitter. Most people think I would be excited to pick a new Supreme Court Justice. They would be stupid and wrong. Picking a new Supreme Court Justice is hard, and takes a lot of work. It's hard work! I know how hard it is, and it is going to take a lot of work. To be honest, the only thing with the word Supreme in it that I like to pick is usually thin crust and made by Red Baron.

"OOoooh, my husband has alzheimers..."

Tough shit lady, wipe the sand out of your cooter and get back on the bench. There's no crying in Supreme Court Justicing.

The Way Stupid Americans Make-a-Me Feel

2005-06-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

What does the Michael Jackson court case prove?

That no matter how evil you are, and no matter how much evidence there is to prove you wrong, the American people will always take sides with the man with money, as long as you’ve won the hearts and minds of the retarded half of America. That’s right, I said it. There are two kinds of Americans; the stupid American who relies on “good feelings,” flashy presentations and high hopes vs. the logical American who relies on evidence, reasoning and common sense. You know who controls America right now? The stupid Americans – at least that’s how I feel after watching the results of such a horrendous train wreck.

Now I’m not about to say I have any idea what goes on in a “Court Case,” but one thing I do know is that there are millions of Americans who saw and heard Michael Jackson say that it is appropriate for young children to sleep with a 45 year old man accused of child molestation, and there are millions of Americans who came out and supported Michael Jackson beat a cancer patient in a criminal trial.

Do Americans care anymore? They see, hear and comprehend one truth, and react an entirely different way. Do you know how easy it would be for me as President if Americans saw the kind of shit I did, heard the kind of shit I said, comprehended the kind of shit I pulled – then voted on gut instinct anyway?! My approval rating would be through the freakin’ roof - maybe as high as 52 or 53 percent! I could drop a deuce on Mother Theresa’s freaking tombstone, call it a freedom nugget, then sit back and watch as everyone defended my good honor! If only all Americans were that stupid all the time.

On a side note, Jackson is innocent. Maybe he slept with those boys, or maybe he just slept with those boys. Either way, it’s better that ten guilty persons escape than that one innocent suffer, as William Blackstone said - and I’ll stand by that.

But come on, innocent or not, would you let your kids sleep with that guy? Well I wouldn't, but I don't have a choice because my daughters are a couple of sluts. Laura hates it when I call them that, but how will they ever learn without constant verbal reinforcement?

New Jesus Stud Calendar a Disappointment

2005-06-05T11:31:00.000-07:00

(Jesus - October spread)

(Jesus - March Spread)

I usually approve of just about anything Jesus does, but I think his new “stud calendar” is just tasteless. It objectifies our Lord and Savoir Jesus Christ as nothing more than a piece of meat, no matter how good he might look.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Jesus, and I’m pretty sure he loves me, but is taking off your top and greasing yourself up really the best way to promote religion and raise a little money? It’s a slippery slope. First you allow divorce, then you allow goodly ladies to reveal their ankles, next thing you know we’re all dancing naked in the street and Jesus is posing nude in a calendar! Morals are not flexible. What was righteous and decent then is righteous and decent now. Sometimes I wish we could go back to a time when religion dictated everything we do so that we weren’t so immoral now.

As President and spokesperson for every man, woman and child in this country, I think the government should intervene… just a little!... so that religion doesn’t head down that slippery slope of impropriety any longer. By religion I mean Christianity (because let’s face it, there’s only one way to get to heaven, and I’ve got the key). So look out Episcopalians, I’ve had my eye on your left wing hippie nonsense for a while now…

'If you're not with me, you're my enemy…’

2005-05-21T11:39:00.000-07:00

Ok, I don’t want to be nit picky, but that is my line! I am clearly the originator of that line, so when I was watching the third and final Star Wars this weekend in my massive underground movie theater below the White House, I was shocked to hear Darth Vader basically plagiarize from my war speeches. George Lucas, what are you trying to do? Are you trying to suggest that my speeches to the senate are as trite and hackneyed as the dialogue from your film? Or are you just so lazy you couldn’t come up with anything better to say?

Seriously, the odds of that line being symbolic of something are pretty slim, because I’ve thought and thought and thought about the Galactic Empire’s quest for control over the galaxy and their misguided attempts to bring democracy and freedom to the world, and I don’t see any parallels. Only plagiarism.

So, Lucas, if you’re reading this, I want credit where credit is due. Darth Vader’s awesome dialogue belongs to my speech writers.

Also, most of R2-D2’s dialogue was stolen from my speeches.

The Moral Game!

2005-05-19T23:07:00.000-07:00

Do your morals fall in line with those of the Republican Party? If you said “Maybe, I dunno I didn’t really think about it, but I suppose they very well could,” or something similar, than take the Moral Game Challenge!

I will show you 4 pictures, and of those 4 pictures, you choose which one has a right to life, and which one does not.

A.) An Iraqi

B.) A Criminal

C.) A baby

D.) Queers

The correct answer was C.), the baby. The baby has a right to life because it is too young to make mistakes like an Iraqi, a Criminal or a homosexual. Remember, according to the Republican Party Code of Morals (the RPCM) and our Lord Jesus Christ; every life is sacred, until it makes a mistake, and then it is acceptable to kill it. God would do the punishing of the wicked for us, but in this fast paced age of information and technology, he is just too busy – so it is up to the government to decide who should live and who should die.

Georgia On My Mind?

2005-05-09T19:41:00.000-07:00

So I just got back from visiting Georgia this weekend. Man alive! They are a bunch of backwater inbred hicks. I knew there were states out there that were below what I consider, ya know, intelligent, but they were the kind of states you don’t talk about and pretend aren’t there. Nebraska for instance. Nebraska is well meaning and good natured, but let’s face it, Nebraska ain’t gonna win no spelling contest.

Now that’s not to say Nebraska doesn’t have a lot to offer our great nation. Like landmass. Nebraska adds to the overall landmass of America and contributes to our statistical size in relation to other countries, so that’s nice. What else? Well I’m sure you could go on all day listing amazing facts like that, but the point is… what is the point? The point is Nebraska is dumb but not as dumb as Georgia. Georgia is so dumb they don’t even speak English. That’s right! They don’t even speak our own damn language!

California is understandable, with a mixed population of native born Americans and Latinos, a bilingual society makes sense. But Georgia is on the friggin’ interior of our damn country and borders nothing but water! It would make slightly more sense if they spoke mermaid, but we all know mermaid is a dead romance language and still would make little sense in this scenario.

And another thing! Why the hell did we have to fly for 14 hours to get to Georgia? My pilot must be from Georgia, because he’s the dumbest truck I’ve ever met if it took him 14 hours to fly south three states. And another thing, is Mikhail Saakashvili an idiot or an asshole? Cause he keeps addressing himself as President of Georgia. I can’t tell if he’s trying to piss me off, or if he’s that dumb that he doesn’t know he’s the governor. Idiots!

Send Food!

2005-04-18T00:48:00.000-07:00

I’m so hungry right now - I would eat a cow if it walked into the oval office, died, was ground into small portions, cooked, and then placed between two buns. I’ve basically been on my own since Laura went out of town, and let me just tell you the state of the Union is hungry. Who would have guessed that placing top ramen into a bowl of water and heating in the microwave was so damn complicated? Those Chinese are cleverer than they look. I’m sorry, that was offensive. Those Chinese-Americans are cleverer than they look.

(A breakdown of what I've resorted to eating since Laura left.)

Papa!

2005-04-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

Oh Pope. If you’re so infallible, why are you dead? Just throwing that out there.

In all seriousness though, I understand the gravity of the situation, and I don’t want to poke fun at a man who will be remembered, if for nothing else, than for his treasure map which he bestowed upon me from the grave. Without giving away too much, let me just tell you how I stumbled upon his posthumous puzzle.

I was genuflecting before the Pope’s lifeless corpse when I instinctively noticed something peculiar. His hat was unusually shaped, much too much like an arrow, and not enough like a hat. It wasn’t long before I was ripping through the priceless art work cleverly positioned to disguise the location of the treasure map. Needless to say, the Holy Father understood that the layperson would be too dull witted to notice such a clever marker, but was aware that I would be attending his funeral and would easily crack the enigma.

Though finding the map was easy, deciphering it will prove difficult, as it has been written in a dead language I can barely comprehend. I believe scholars call it cursive.

Put down your stick of butter and read my post.

2005-03-29T20:02:00.000-08:00

I have been dying to understand why Americans are so damn fat. I’m sorry, fat is a hurtful word, let’s use bloated. Bloated sounds too much like we’re dead, let’s use massive. Massive sounds too fat. Plump? No, turkey’s are plump, Americans are fat. Chunky? I used to have a friend who we called Chunky-style, I think that was probably hurtful too.

I digress, what I’m trying to get at here is that we as a nation have an eating problem. Not me, though, I’m for once not the cause of one of our problems. No this time it is you. After a little research I was able to create a nifty little pie chart, but pie is what got us into this problem in the first place. It’s too delicious looking, so instead I’ve divided the bloated human form into a colorful representation of the 8 major causes of obesity.

(props to Michael O. Leavitt for compiling these results for me)

The solution? A lot of people will tell you there is no easy solution, but they weren’t thinking hard enough. The solution is fad-diet after fad-diet until the obese American in question has lost those unsightly pounds. It takes work though, sorting through the thousands of weight loss programs available until our gorged American friend settles upon one that works for them instantly. It might even seem like the effort wasted on fad-diets pales in comparison to the effort put into healthy living and exercise, but don’t be led astray! Some doctors suggest that exercise might actually be the cause of obesity, leading to toned muscles which actually weigh more than fat!

Hang in there John Q. Fatty McFatkins, if washed up actress Kirsty Alley can try and fail on national television, so can you!

Let me win. But if I cannot win, let me be brave in the attempt.

2005-03-28T02:27:00.000-08:00

Do you ever gamble with your buddies? Do you ever play poker in a garage or put a friendly wager on some sort of sporting event? If so, you know the kind of joy I share with friends and family when we innocently participate in this relatively harmless activity.

Then why is the Federal Government trying to stick its fat hand into my wallet/personal life, not to mention the fact that I’m the President of The United Freaking States of America. I have the freedom to throw my money around however I damn well please thank you very much, and Uncle Sam has no right to tell me how responsible or irresponsible I should be. I’m just now starting to realize who Uncle Sam is… he’s the creepy uncle you only see at weddings because if he didn’t get an invitation it would break poor grandma’s heart – the kind of uncle who thinks that he knows you because you’re some how related by blood, despite your deep concerns and probably accurate suspicions that he was adopted into the family. The kind of uncle that thinks he can tell you exactly what to do with your life as if he’s been soooo successful with his.

Uncle Sam needs to mind his own damned business!

For the record, just so you can’t say I didn’t tell you the whole story, I was caught betting on the Special Olympics. My horse came in 1st, but I had to forfeit all my winnings because Uncle Sam found out through a congressional audit, and claims that this kind of gambling is illegal. Right, like it’s somehow less wrong to find an Indian Reservation and blow all your money there.

(a true underdog, my bookie set him at 6 to 1)

A spring break ruined...

2005-03-25T13:23:00.000-08:00

So there I am, living it up down on my ranch in Crawford, getting some sun, moving some brush, or whatever the hell it is my PR people make me do for the cameras, and those thumb suckers down in Congress call me back to “sign some important legislation.”

Now I’m thinking, oh boy, this must be important, we’re finally going to make some sort of difference. But nooooo! I’m called back to Washington so I can stop Terri Schiavo from dying. Do you know how many Americans died over my spring break? 45,276.92! That’s a lot of dead people, people! Why should I care about one? I’ll tell you why, because the American voters have lost sight of what is really important. Stopping roids in baseball.

If only there were a way to transfer all the roids used by baseball players to Terri Schiavo…

She thinks she's mature, but the image proves otherwise

2005-03-16T14:39:00.000-08:00

Please excuse President Bush Jr. from doing anything presidential until April, he contracted mono because he touches himself at night.

Sincerely,

George Bush, Sr.

That's pretty much the excuse my father wrote to my school for me in Junior High when I had to miss two weeks because I got mono. The more I think about it, the more I realize my father was a filthy liar who used every chance he could to tell the world I touched myself too much, I suppose in hopes that I would stop. Oddly enough the only thing that ever stopped me was Mom walking around wearing nothing but her granny panties.

I don't really have mono this time, that's just what I'm telling Congress while I go screw around on my ranch in Crawford.

See ya in April!

Soooo close...

2005-03-14T23:44:00.000-08:00

(The clue is: A Saudi Arabian terrorist)

I just can't get this last crossword! It's impossible. I feel like I've been pretty close, but everytime I think I have it, my mind goes blank and I focus on something else, then when I go back to the word it's all jumbled up in my mind. I think I have dyslexia. I should ask for help, but at the same time I feel like this is MY crossword puzzle, and I owe it to myself to finish it alone or not finish it at all.

Oh hell, I just figured it out... Arab, terrorist, five letters: Sadam! For Christ's sake, that was so simple.

What does bullshit taste like anyway?

2005-03-13T07:45:00.000-08:00

Does anybody know who John Edwards is? Not the guy who ran for VP but the “psychic” John Edwards – see picture below.

He supposedly speaks with the dead and then relays the message onto the loved ones. But basically all he is doing is bullshitting the audience; an audience which is already pro-John Edwards to begin with (they’re all screened ahead of time). On top of that bullshit, he edits 4 hours worth of “readings” down to a conveniently “accurate” 1 hour show. He feeds them bullshit and they eat it up!

I should can that shit and sell it!

Am I taking crazy pills people? This guy spouts nothing but bullshit and Americans just willingly listen to him because that is what they want to hear. They want to believe in something so badly that they’ll listen to this moron, even though time after time it’s been proven he’s basically a lucky guesser, or a straight up liar.

In totally unrelated news – Scott Baio finally returned my letter I sent him back in 87’. He even included a signed photograph! That Scott Baio’s a stand up guy.

YEEEEE-HAAAAAA

2005-03-10T18:56:00.000-08:00

Say hello to General Lee.

I've been riding around in that hunk of junk Airforce One for 4 years now, so I decided it was time to pimp my ride. Ahhh yea, say hello to the new and improved General Lee, ala the Dukes of Hazzard! Boss Hogg and Sheriff Coltrane won't be able to catch up with me when I'm cruising in this bad boy. I'm bout to get myself into a whole heap of trouble!

Plus, just think about how this will stregthen relations between the Confederacy and the Union.

Did you know Afghanistan has a President?

2005-03-09T21:49:00.000-08:00

I met a great connection for what sounds like some really high quality international dimplomacy while talking to my buddy last night on AIM.

Only problem is I get the distinct feeling he was coming on to me. Sometimes I curse the boyish good looks that got me into this office. Some people account my political success to my father, but they're just jealous of my baby blues.

The 6th Sign of the Apocalypse!

2005-03-06T20:20:00.000-08:00

Vin Diesel's The Pacifier tops the weekend box office! Everyone update your Apocalyspe score card!

Sign #7: OJ finds the real killer
Sign #6: ~~Vin Diesel becomes respected actor!~~
Sign #5: ~~Red Sox win World Series~~
Sign #3: ~~Reality TV becomes cool~~
Sign #3: ~~Women Given the Right to Vote~~
Sign #2: ~~AOL Merges with Time Warner~~
Sign #1: ~~Israeli homeland established~~

Thoughts for a Tuesday

2005-03-01T23:05:00.000-08:00

Bubble tea is delicious. Red and Blue states can come together over this issue, set aside their differences and sit down to some good ol' fashion Bubble tea... then just when the Blue states aren't looking I'll jab them in the eye with the unusually sturdy Bubble tea straw. But only after they have enjoyed their Bubble tea.

Secret Service keep choosing retarded codenames

2005-02-27T23:00:00.000-08:00

The Secret Service changed my codename yesterday to “Corky.” That’s the fifth time this month we’ve had to change my codename because someone keeps leaking it, freakin' A people, learn to keep a secret. Corky isn’t great, but at least it is better than the last codenames; Gump, Lennie, Childers, Bufford Blue or my least favorite, Carrot Top. The codename used to just be, “The Retarded Kid from Mercury Rising,” until I reminded them that the kid wasn’t retarded, he was autistic. There is a difference.

Personally I find it insulting that they won’t listen to my ideas for codenames; Megatron, Eagle One, Deepthroat or Blue Velvet are perfectly acceptable/cool names which sound even cooler over the walkie talkies. “Apparently” all of those names are reserved for other members of our parliament, but I think they’re just using that as an excuse because they are afraid to admit I am right.

Deepthroat, over and out.

Bumper Stickers; self expression or retardation?

2005-02-25T14:22:00.000-08:00

You know who I can’t stand? Besides the gays? The people who drive around with these lame bumper stickers…

Those people just really piss me off. And not even because they hate our troops, but because they think they’re somehow making a difference by declaring to the world their sentiments towards soldiers through the medium of a friggin’ bumper sticker!

Ok we get it, you hate our troops, la-de-friggin’-da, now watch while I cut you off asshole. Seriously, you white trash, rednecked, gun-totting, sister-marrying, inbreeds can blow it out your exhaust pipes, because you know what? You’re not doing anything! You’re not supporting or undermining anybody! You’re just ruining a perfectly good F-350 “Super-Duty” bumper.

Then those morons make it a contest to see who “hates the troops more,” by seeing how many ribboned stickers they can jam onto their bumper. Just because you have 4 of them running across the back of your car does not mean you are the most unpatriotic American out there, it just makes you the dumbest.

As President, I approve this rant.

Is nothing sacred to the terrorists?

2005-02-14T19:21:00.000-08:00

Osama Bin Laden has no respect, none whatsoever, not even on our most holy of holidays. I left a construction-paper mailbox on the edge of my desk in the Oval Office, and I received several delightfully pleasant valentines from some co-workers (even Condi!), but Osama has to go and ruin my day by defiling the sacred tradition of the construction-paper mailbox with a letter laced with Anthrax. Not cool, Osama, not cool.

(forensic scientists have analyzed the letter and identified 4 pieces of evidence that link the letter to Osama – the handwriting, the reference to 9/11, the Anthrax which is a rare strain found primarily in the Afghani regions suspected of harboring Osama, and he wrote his name on the bottom)

The only reason I’m not dead is because my secretary has been stealing candy from my desk for months, and I mistakenly accused Colin, effectively locking him out of the Oval Office, and locking her in. Just like the old tale of the farmer and the hungry rabbit! Needless to say she’s dead. Though, to be fair, she was being kind of a dick.

On my ipod - N.E.R.D.

2005-02-08T01:05:00.000-08:00

So I’m walking down the street yesterday and I tripped over a homeless guy. He was one of those crotchety old men who think that because they fought in a war before you were born that they somehow deserve something extra, like my respect. Then he has the audacity to ask me for spare change! Someone needs to do something about all the homeless people, so I’ve been brainstorming some ideas with Dick lately and I think we came up with some really good stuff…

Relocation:
Pros – they’re out of my way
Cons – they’re in someone else’s

Extermination:
Pros – they’re gone for good
Cons – semi-illegal, also disposal issues

Out-Reach Programs:
Pros – (nothing comes to mind, I’ll try to think of something later)
Cons – money, we all know the US government doesn't use money it doesn’t have

Then it dawned on me… what do hobos love least? Answer: being ridiculed and beaten unmercifully at the hands of police guided robots!

(This is an artist’s rendering [my rendering] of what the new state of the art Anti-Hobo Robots will look like in the process of beating and ridiculing the homeless…)

The hardest part of beating and ridiculing the homeless is locating them, that is why we will stage mock canned food drives to draw them close enough so that we can beat and ridicule them. I have also set aside several million dollars in US aid money to build homeless shelters, so that on cold winter nights the homeless can come to rest in our facilities, where we will then proceed to lock the doors and unmercifully beat and ridicule them.

The future is here...

The Gay Conspiracy

2005-02-03T17:14:00.000-08:00

Well I hate the gays as much as any Republican, but come on now, what’s the deal with Sponge Bob being bad because he was gay! He’s a cartoon character for Christ’s sake! He doesn’t even have genitalia! Besides, I grew up with homosexual Muppets and my mom never complained.

I'll be the first to admit it, but this is extremely petty even for us Republicans. In a complete reversal of my staunchly anti-homosexual record, I’m taking a stand with Sponge Bob on this one...

He’s here, he’s square, get used to it.

Iraq, or as I like to call it; Little America

2005-02-01T17:10:00.000-08:00

In a stunning, yet not too unpredictable turn of events, it looks like I have won the election in Iraq! I will, however, have to look into the legality of being President of both America and

Iraq

, but I doubt these two great nations will have any conflict of interests.

(the Red represents districts where I had strong support, the Blue represents a district where any one of the other 723 candidates had strong support and/or violence was too strong to hold elections, and the Green represents districts showing strong support for the Rev. Al Sharpton)

Wow, I mean wow, this is seriously just amazing! I don’t know how I’m going to manage my time between America and Iraq! They’re both so demanding, on the one hand Americans want social justice and economic security, and on the other, I have to make myself look good by killing the rebels in Iraq. Naturally my attention will focus on Iraq for at least the first 2 years, but that whole predicament should settle down in time for me to start pretending like I give a crap about the National Debt or the environment in America. And I thought I was getting a lot of heat for focusing too much of my time in Iraq… wait till they hear about my “No Limb Left Behind Act;” comprehensive, time consuming, and economically impractical, but absolutely necessary to clean up the streets of our beloved Tikrit.

Where's the Berlin Wall when you need it?

2005-01-26T22:34:00.000-08:00

The Mexican government has been distributing pamphlets to all Mexican citizens who request them, which detail information on how to survive illegally crossing the US border. Can you believe the arrogance of those self righteous bastards? The Mexican government claims the pamphlets are only provided to curb the large number of deaths each year which can be accounted to border crossings, but we all know that the Mexican government is only interested in one thing… getting Mexicans out of their country. Hell, I don’t blame ‘em, so I’ve created a little pamphlet of my own, chock full of false information and neat little tricks sure to confuse, and/or, kill Mexicans crossing the border.

This gets me pissed off, because when my great, great grandfather illegally crossed the US border in the 1800s, he was white, and the bastards crossing our border now are clearly brown. Have they no respect… *shakes head indignantly*

“Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free…” no where in our beautiful iconoclastic motto do I see the words, “and your spics, we take spics too.”

The Statue of Liberty is a symbol of freedom and hope to industrious white workers who came from Europe, not those dirty border hoppers who will work for below minimum wage… don’t they realize they are ruining our economy by taking such a severe pay cut!? Did they stop and think to themselves just once, “Hey, I might be earning barely enough to feed my family, but I’m also taking precious jobs away from the white trash of Texas who couldn’t afford to go to public school?” Fore shame! All those illegal immigrants can think about is themselves, and their families, and freedom. Disgusting.

Natural Gas Found on Saturn's Moon Titan

2005-01-21T14:24:00.000-08:00

CNN reported that “scientists” have discovered Saturn’s moon Titan to be covered in Natural Gas… you know what that means. I’ve declared Saturn’s moon a threat to national security, placed it on the axis of evil and have begun preparations for a pre-emptive strike. Of course this is all just a precaution. We don’t know if the moon is actually harboring terrorists, or if it is just planning to build weapons of mass destruction – at this point we can only guess, but hell, that’s all we really need to do anyway, so prepare for Operation Titanium Freedom.

I’ve already sent the U.S.S. Destroyer to Saturn before we press the United Nations this week for invasion approval, which of course they will deny, and which of course we will ignore.

(we went ahead and pre-emptively retro-fitted the U.S.S. Destroyer with a Mission Accomplished banner, just to speed up the process)

Advisors and “scientists” keep insisting that Titan’s moon is uninhabitable, and an invasion would just result in massive casualties… goes to show what “scientists” know… The Middle East is damned near as uninhabitable as Saturn’s moon, but we invaded anyway and have only suffered heavy casualties… hardly massive.

To be honest, my only concern is that if the planet Saturn is half as diverse as the Saturn commercials, we’re in for a hell of a hard time singling out people based on the color their skin… but we’ll find away, we’re America, we always find a way.

Accountability, People!

2005-01-18T19:47:00.000-08:00

So Rummy, Colin and I were out on the town this weekend getting our pre-funk on in preparation for the big blowout inaugural ball, when Rummy tells me we have to go check out a wicked party up on D Street. Well I’ve heard about D Street, and I just knew that this was going to be a major let down, but Rummy promised me there was going to be booze and women at that party. In his own words he said, “We know for a fact there are going to be hella bitches up there,” and on several occasions went so far as to claim, “I have no doubt we’re going to find big stores of malt liquor in his pantry.”

Lies. Every word of it was lies.

I can’t even begin to describe my disappointment with his lack of judgment. He flat out looked me in the eyes and told me there was going to be brew and bitches, and we spent all night up on D Street looking for that damn party. He continued to backpedal the entire time, too, until just about sunrise when he finally admitted the rumors he’d heard about the party might have been false. I don’t know if I can trust him ever again, to be honest.

I was spose to get tore up this weekend, too. I wonder how he sleeps at night.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

2005-01-14T15:30:00.000-08:00

Well, Martin Luther King, Jr. Day is quickly approaching, and you all know what that means - the big mattress/furniture sales will be out in full force on Monday. And really, what better way is there to celebrate the life of a great leader than to dedicate an entire day worth of mattress sales in his name? I'm sure MLK is looking down from heaven right now with pride while the Big Guy goes on and on about how glad he is that one of his foot soldiers in righteousness has made such a reputable name for himself, and such low, low prices on all clearance items at the East St. Louis Furniture Emporium. God Bless you Martin Luther King, Jr., and God bless the United States of Spend Everything You Earn on Furniture for Your Apartment.

For more information on all the great mattress sales, visit - http://www.mlkmemorial.org/index.htm
It's worth checking out, if not for the message, than for the mattresses.

2005 is going to suck

2005-01-12T22:49:00.000-08:00

Ah, horse shit.

Only 12 days into the new year and I've already broken my New Year's resolution.

2005 is going to be a long year....

Mood - Sulky

2005-01-05T15:13:00.000-08:00

Remember in the first Ocean's 11 (the good Ocean's 11) when you thought everything was going great and according to plan and the world seemed right, then you found out everything was getting screwed up and the plan was crumbling apart, only to realize at the end of the film that that had been the plan all along and that nothing was ever getting screwed up, and the world was right again? Well that is what my life has felt like lately, except for that last part where everything goes right.

I need a hug.

Qatar - Pronounced "Dickless"

2005-01-03T03:14:00.000-08:00

The Indian Ocean takes all the fun out of my unanimous election victory. I offered 35 million dollars in relief funds - almost as much as my entire inauguration party is going to cost - and the unprepared pricks called me stingy (it is going to be a huge party too; it'll be in a skating rink with cake and pinatas and even a small basketball hoop made out of gold). But I didn't cave into claims America was being cheap, I just didn't want to donate less than those bastards from Qatar. Who do they think they are? They're making us look bad. Mental note; bomb Qatar.

So I wrote out our 350 million dollar donation on the biggest damn check you've ever seen. It really got me in the giving mood, well not so much in the mood, but I wound up handing out oversized check after oversized check to all these different charities because Rumsfeld says it makes me look good... I think he's right too - plus it's a lot of fun. So I've decided to handle all of my purchases with oversized checks from now on. A gallon of milk might not cost a lot, but when you pay for it with a check the size of a small man... well it just makes you feel big.

(I bought an oversized hat with an oversized check! The novelty of it all makes me pee my pants just a little bit.)

The W stands for Walker

2004-12-22T10:38:00.000-08:00

Most American’s believe I am sent by God to run this country, but did you know I also speak to him? In fact the other day I was given a prophesy from our Lord and Savoir while masturbating on the can. A loud knock rapped my bathroom door and the Lord saideth unto me – “Bush, quit jerkin’ off with those nudie mags, I need to use the john after you.”

Our Lord was correct; masturbating with nudie mags was a sin of the past. That’s when it hit me – what gives American men hardons more than anything? Once upon a time it might have been Janet Jackson’s right boob, but in today’s modern world men don’t want to see breasts, vaginas, long legs or fallopian tubes, they want to see tanks and assault rifles shooting at other people, and perhaps, even killing them.

Remember when Pat Tillman died, and American men walked around with erections for like a whole week? That was super. Everyone was patriotic for like a whole month, and I realized, that’s what we need again. So in order to boost patriotism and erections, I’ve arranged for Chuck Norris’s bullet riddled body to appear on all the news stations next week.

Together we’ll all mourn the loss of this great hero, and fathers will sit down with sons and regale them with tales of when Walker Texas Ranger stopped an entire bus packed full of Mexican drug dealers aided only by his culturally diverse squad of Texas Rangers. If that doesn’t give you a hardon, then you’re probably a liberal with a fetish for naked women, and you should move to a coastal city where the other perverts live.

Why I hate my family...

2004-12-20T23:59:00.000-08:00

My parents make it a point of bringing up the one officially evil thing I've ever done in my life. Ok, yes Mom and Dad - I got drunk and stole a Christmas tree. Yes it was wrong. Yes it was even a little bit evil, but I haven't done it since! It was the Winter of 1966, I was at Yale drinking too much Jaggie with the ol' college chums when I mentioned it would be hilarious/cheaper to steal an already decorated Christmas tree from someone's house instead of purchasing one at the local Christmas tree lot (still not the worst thing I've ever done...). Ever since then, Dad sends out the family Christmas card with this police sketch-artist's rendering which eventually lead to my arrest (See Photo)...

My Dad also never forgets to send the police description of me along with the Christmas Card, "Caucasian male - dark green skin, brown eyes, 5'11", medium build. Suspect George Walker Bush wanted for disorderly conduct, theft of a Christmas tree and public urination near the cities of New Haven and Whoville, Connecticut."

To be fair, I was only arrested for disorderly conduct, and the charges were eventually dropped. Nowadays when I want something illegal done, I just send the FBI to go do it for me. They balked the last time I asked them to steal a tree though...

Time's Man of the Year

2004-12-19T16:04:00.000-08:00

I'm a God - make that, the God!!

I'm now one of a very exclusive list of men who have been Time's Man of the Year twice, including great war leaders like Lyndon B. Johnson, Richard M. Nixon and Joseph Q. Stalin! As you might remember, all three men led our country as we struggled through the successful Vietnam Conflict, which makes me the first Man of the Year to struggle through my own! The greatest pride, however, is knowing that because of me future Presidents will be provided the chance to struggle through Iraq and join us on the great list of two timing Men of the Year. So Arnold, in advance - you're welcome.

Osama's new album goes platinum!

2004-12-16T23:44:00.000-08:00

That's right. Osama released another audio tape this week, and this time he insulted the Saudi Royal family, a wonderful group of individuals who I at least consider allies in our war on terror. Now I'm starting to think he's doing this intentionally to piss me off, he's pressing my buttons because he knows it aggravates me. He thinks he can get away with making me look like a bumbling idiot who has thrice failed to capture him - good sir, you have gone too far by insulting my intelligence and capabilities! Just for that I won't rest until I do capture him... and the real killers of OJ Simpson's wife. Sure, I'll take time off for holidays and sick days, and the occasional personal day, but even OJ finds time to go golfing while he's fast on the trail of the real killers. OJ and I are a lone breed; relentless in our pursuits of bringing justice to innocent victims - we are true American heroes.

You may say OJ is taking his sweet time to find the real killers (to be fair, it has only been 3 or 4 years now and justice takes time), and some even say OJ is the real killer - but making accusations and slandering his good name bring him no closer to justice - delivering justice, that is. So for the victim's families' sake, don't blame him for anything he does because it only distracts the man from his one true, yet elusive goal of tracking down the evil doers. I await the glorious day when he graces the silver screen once again with his phenomenal comic timing, and life in America can return to normal.

As for my white whale - be patient, Osama will die one of these days. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, and maybe not even 30 years from now, but studies show men have a 1 in 6 chance of developing prostate cancer sometime in their life, and that ain't bad! Unless of course he pulls a Fidel Castro and outlives all his enemies, then I'd feel stupid for letting him go when I did.

Adam and the Beave - Not in MY neighborhood

2004-12-09T02:36:00.000-08:00

Ehem people, has anybody read the amendments to the Constitution? Article IX (Roman numeral for Rocky 9) states, “The enumeration in the Constitution of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.”

By allowing homosexuals the right to get married, the liberals infringe upon my right for them not to get married.

All we have to do is prove that homosexuals either hurt me physically or take away my rights by getting married. Easy –

They hurt my Christian sensibility, and they do irreparable damage to immature minds. Imagine children thinking about two lesbians doing it in their dorm rooms! They should not be exposed to such graphic images, and the only way to counter-act those images is by depicting manly heterosexual images… of war! Blood, violence, detached limbs etc.; Kid tested, mother approved.

My whole point is that people should not have to think about a man putting his *expletive deleted* in another man’s *expletive deleted*. Good old fashion sex - the way God likes it – is only when the man puts his *expletive deleted* in a woman’s *expletive deleted*, and only in her *expletive deleted*… unless the sex isn’t great and the couple agrees to experiment, then, and only then is it ok for a man to put his *expletive deleted* in the female’s *expletive deleted*, but to reiterate, never in the man’s *expletive deleted*. Also, oral sex is totally not cool with God, sorry ladies. Lesbians and straight women are just going to have to learn to get along without foreplay.

Just remember; God’s a perv, and he only likes straight porn.

(In the original story of Adam and Eve, Adam was delivering a pizza.)

Mood - Gassy

2004-12-09T01:11:00.000-08:00

I lost my wallet, has anyone seen it? It's got like 18 bucks in it, no big deal, but I had some personal things in there I need back. credit cards, drivers license, some family pics, a trojan, and a security badge. Those last two are key... The badge kinda gets me into the Pentagon, the White House, and The Ministry of Love among other places.

(This is a picture of my wallet, it says Bad Mother... Oh my lord, I got scammed! Sheisty street vendors...)

If you have it, please mail to the guy who takes care of all my junk:
O'Brien - Room 101
1600 Pennsylvannia Avenue NW
Washington D.C., 20500

Mood - Belligerent

2004-12-07T01:56:00.000-08:00

You know what I hate? People who pawn off an experience/wisdom as intelligence. I had some guy tell me the other day that because I hadn’t fought in any wars, I had no right to have an opinion about war. Woopty-friggin’-doo mister; you killed in combat, I didn’t, what do you want? A friggin’ medal (besides the one you got for combat injuries)?

Since when has the only qualifier for intelligent global-political decisions been combat history? Just because you ran around other parts of the world killing our enemies doesn’t mean your opinions are somehow more intelligent – your opinions are just more personal. Personal experience does not equate to intelligence.

Does that mean women can’t have opinions about war because we exclude them from the front lines? Haha, trick question – women’s opinions aren’t worth anything anyway.

The point is if you go around flaunting your war experience as your only evidence for an argument, you’re an idiot.

Besides, I was in the Texas Air National Guard – and you people don’t know squat about protecting airspace. I rest my case. Feel free to debate these points… but only if you were in the Air National Guard.

Mood - Apathetic

2004-12-04T18:43:00.000-08:00

As most of you probably already know, Ukraine is having their own little election fraud situation, igniting panic and insecurity around the country. There are also rumors Ukrainian presidential candidate Viktor Yushchenko was poisoned - and if you haven't seen already, the pictures are quite gruesome.

(Before and after poisoning)

Now certain news organizations are coming forward claiming that the American government was behind the alleged poisoning. Let me make myself absolutely clear, for the record - I never said I wanted Viktor Yushchenko poisoned. I said I wanted Viktor Yushchenko killed. The difference - Viktor Yushchenko would look less like Mr. Yuck and more like a dead man, thereby ruining his chances at winning the election. You see, there is no way on earth a dead man could ever beat out a non dead man in an election (except for when Ashcroft lost to that dead guy, but admittedly the dead man had an excellent budget reform plan).

We went with our usual hitman; Ex-cop from Chicago turned vigilante killer. But for some reason he didn't come through this time. I'm somewhat disappointed in our man's choice of lethal options. Bomb, knife, gun, why he chose drugs I'll never know -

(surveillance photo of our man on the job - he's the one in the trench coat on the left)

Wahoo!

2004-12-03T01:29:00.000-08:00

Knock "Meetin' the Who's the Boss Guy" off of my "To Do Before I Die" list!

(I'm on the left next to some nobody - Tony Danza is the one with the huge head)

This is so cool I met him at a time when a space is opening up in the Department of Homeland Security! Tony will bring some much needed diversity to our team - the only other washed up daytime TV star in my cabinet is Dustin Diamond as the Secretary of Agriculture.

The list Shortens everyday I'm President!
"To Do Before I Die":

~~Meet the "Who's the Boss" Guy~~
Capture Osama Bin Laden
~~Capture Saddam~~
Mud wrestle with Saddam
~~Pet a Giraffe~~
~~Kill a Giraffe~~
~~Pet a midget~~
~~Kill a midget~~
~~Snorkle~~
~~Pickup Laundry (Bring your ticket!!)~~
Solve energy crisis
~~Hate a gay~~
~~Unite (Don't divide!!)~~
~~Fix a cock fight (small dog disguised as cock!!)~~
Punch the guy who played "Webster"
Punch the guy who played "Corky" on Life Goes On
Write the great American novel

Mood - Indifferent

2004-11-30T23:44:00.000-08:00

So I was talking to the Italian Prime Minister today, and Silvio told me that the word "Republican" comes from the Latin word "Republici" which means easily fooled, or gullible (or gullable - it's spelled two different ways in the dictionary). Won't his face be red when I inform him that after looking through two dictionaries, two encyclopedias and all over the internet I found no proof that "Republican" means either "Gullible" or "easily fooled." Ha! Easily fooled... does he have any idea how much money it took to convince them to go to Iraq and re-elect me? Republicans aren't easily fooled, that kinda thing takes cash.

Silvio you old dog... fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times - you get added to the axis of evil my friend.

What the terrorists want, we won't give 'em...

2004-11-29T20:28:00.000-08:00

Osama's right hand man (the equivalent of my Donny) left a taped message for America on TV yesterday.

"You can elect Bush, Kerry or Satan himself, it doesn't matter to us," Ayman al-Zawahiri said in a tape broadcast by the Arabic-language Al-Jazeera television network. "What's important to us is the U.S. policies toward Muslims."

So apparently the terrorists want fair treatment of Muslims... well we can't give them what they want because that would mean the terrorists have already won. So to err on the side of safety, I'm signing into law Executive order 9066 Version 2.0 - The imprisonment of all things brown. Nothing is more important to me than the safety of all non-brown Americans, because after all, isn't that what the founding fathers intended? If they wanted Muslims to have rights too they would have said something like "All men are created equal - including brown people." But they didn't. They obviously left that part of the birth of our nation open for interpretation.

(The imprisonment of all things brown - no exceptions)

Besides, let's face it people, brown = terrorists, there is even a website about it... http://www.brownequalsterrorist.com/. Seriously, we can all stop being PC about this crap and just come out and say it... we don't need darkies in our country anymore because the people of the South and Midwest have spoken semi-unanimously.

Next they'll want me to pardon the gravy...

2004-11-23T13:47:00.000-08:00

If you weren’t aware, every Thanksgiving it is customary for the President to pardon at least one turkey. Well we usually have a large ceremony and then send the turkey to go live on a farm in Virginia, sparing it from being killed, cooked and eaten. But if you know me at all, you know pardoning ain’t my style, so I thought this year; couldn’t we pardon the turkey posthumously? We did it for General Robert E. Lee (and he was delicious). Yeah… screw this saving a turkey shit, I want my cake, and I want to eat it too! Besides, I have a record to maintain... the only pardons I give are for when I pass wind.

(this is a picture I just found from when I made it last year)

They make Soccer Moms seem interesting...

2004-11-21T14:30:00.000-08:00

You know what the best part of winning this election is? I don’t have to pretend to like Nascar or Nascar dads ever again. Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ people, if you’re going to choose a boring ass sport to watch, make it baseball. If I have to see another flamboyant ass car make it around the same circular track one more time without a crash, I think I’m going to shoot myself, or at least someone in the pit crew…or the guy who waves the flag… no, better yet, I’ll just link Nascar dads to terrorism and bomb the shit out of all of them.

Nascar dads give white trash a bad name.

Multi-Level Marketing: The future of business…

2004-11-20T13:18:00.000-08:00

I just signed up for this great new way to make buttloads of money with a minimal amount of effort! The company is called Vector Marketing, and they offer this awesome program where I get paid to sell knives to my friends and family. The trick to making lots of money, though, is by signing up more people to sell knives for Vector – easy as a pie baked by a woman! And every person they get to participate in the knife selling process means more money for me, and every person those people sign up means more money for me too, and so on and so forth for infinity - it’s like a pyramid of money making! If I sign up enough people, I won't even have to work and I'll earn millions of dollars!

Look at how sharp that knife is; they can literally cut through a tin can like it was a ripe tomato! So contact me if you want to get in on the ground floor of this awesome opportunity, but don't tell too many people, this is kind of on the DL until they talk to me.

Rapper accused in Vibe Awards stabbing surrenders:

2004-11-19T22:35:00.000-08:00

My question is, why did they even let a rapist into the building? The VIBE awards show is bootylicious, you're just asking for trouble. I have a zero tolerance rule for that kind of thing; you rape a girl, you aren't allowed to go to any more awards shows. That should be a law.

Breakthrough!!

2004-11-16T22:33:00.000-08:00

OMG OMG OMG!! So I’ve totally been crushing on Condi for like months now, and yesterday I finally got the courage to send her a letter, and this morning she got back to me! Not only did she say yes, but check out what she drew at the bottom of the note!!

I can’t be for sure, but I think I can definitely say I have the will of the Condi!

Pssh, they don't have feelings anyway...

2004-11-15T22:50:00.000-08:00

Well if you watch any of those liberal news stations like CNN or FOX you know what kind of shit storm I should be in, but this time around I have the will of the people, so it doesn't really matter what I do or say. That guy deserved it! I know he was supposedly "unarmed," and apparently "wounded," but those are just words - crazy ideals! They aren't tangible like Freedom, Liberty and Democracy. In the long run, that guy will be thankful we went in there and liberated him from Saddam. Hell, Saddam might have used bullets instead of freedom liberty and democracy, and that would have really hurt. So people of Iraq, there is no need to thank me, it was my pleasure.

(we are working on a prototype weapon that shoots Justice! all over the face of the unsuspecting terrorist)

Hang in there Dick!

2004-11-13T11:56:00.001-08:00

I’m sure you’ve all heard it reported in the news that earlier this week Dick Cheney was checked out by doctors for shortness of breath. We’ve known of this health concern for a while now, but unfortunately there is nothing we can do to stop it. Dick Cheney has been infected with the rare RAGE virus, which was brilliantly depicted in the 2002 zombie film 28 Days Later. For those of you unfamiliar with the film (awesome scary movie) a rare virus rapidly spreads throughout the world infecting each person it encounters – the victims are then turned into blood thirsty zombies that roam the streets looking for more people to hurt/infect. It’s just too bad a man like Dick was infected in the prime of his life… Luckily, Dick is a fighter, and although infected, he does not appear to be showing any signs of this debilitating disease…

Before Infection:

After Infection:

Hang in there Dick! Everyone at the White House is pulling for you!

Well it’s either that, or another heart attack. What do I know, I’m not a doctor.

Michael Moore is Asking For It

2004-11-12T13:50:00.000-08:00

Michael Moore has apparently announced plans to film a sequel to his Fahrenheit 9/11 – in response; I’ve decided to invade another country. Your move Mr. Moore, your move.

I call my plan the War on Documentaries. We relentlessly invade another country every time a film maker shoots a discouraging film about me, that way the film industry will realize it is useless to argue and will give up - just as the terrorists will realize their struggle is useless, you know, once we kill enough of them. It’s all in the numbers. You kill one Middle Eastern person, you have one less Middle Eastern person angry at you. The trick is, to kill their whole family though, that way you don’t get upset sons and daughters calling a Jihad on your ass. Ironic thing about that though, is once you kill an entire family, they tend to have extended relatives and country men angry at you. It’s tricky but we’re getting the hang of it!

So Michael Moore, if you read my blog, just give up. Hollywood will crumble under the mighty power of America, eventually. Don’t drag this out like the terrorists are… you’re not a terrorist… are you Mr. Moore?

(the difference between Hollywood and the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln - Hollywood just isn't as dramatic)

Ashcroft "Resigns"

2004-11-10T23:42:00.000-08:00

Well Attorney General John Ashcroft will have to resign for my second term, partly because of his unwavering support for the Patriot Act, his extreme religious views and his strong anti-abortion stance, but mainly because of his controversial “No Child Left Behind Act.” I know what you’re thinking, but no, it is not in any way related to my education act of the same name; it is quite a bit more gruesome.

Ashcroft heard some rumors about a messiah born somewhere in the country and he was afraid religious nuts might start worshiping him and take away from our power; long story short, he pretty much wants to kill American children. I tried reasoning with him; I explained there were other ways to kill Americans – discreetly! The man is a little nutso for the religion – I say anyone who’s that into religion has some confidence problems… Well I hate to see him go, but at least it will be a little quieter around the White House without him.

just… too… damn… HOT

2004-11-08T21:07:00.000-08:00

Just look at her *sigh*. If you think this is a good shot, you should see the view from the back. Daaaamn… Whenever I talk to her I immediately begin to stumble, trip and fall all over my words – I sound like Jethro Bodine from the Beverly Hillbillies, but without the 3rd grade education. It can be so embarrassing. Around anyone else, I’m a regular sweet talker, my words flow like honey, but you get Condi in the room… *sigh*

A Postwar Plan for Iraq

2004-11-07T16:41:00.000-08:00

The complaint I hear most often is that I never had a postwar plan for Iraq. Well I’ve always had a plan for Iraq, but to be completely honest, it was lost until just recently. You know, it’s always in the last place you’d ever look, in this case – sitting on my desk; conveniently used as a coaster. This image is not the original, but was transcribed from the napkin onto an aerial photograph of Baghdad to give it that extra touch of professionalism that the White House so often lacks.

So here it is; the post war Iraq plan…

(arrows indicate where things go)

Possible Warning Signs of "Sadness"

2004-11-04T17:19:00.000-08:00

It seems to me that the Democrats - Kerry in particular - are taking this loss pretty hard. The standard response appears to be uncontrollable sobbing followed by hours of inconsolable pain marked my long periods of silence and a gentle rocking motion. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I had a conversation with Kerry last night on instant messenger...

Poor guy seems all tuckered out.

This time it's forealz!

2004-11-03T23:56:00.000-08:00

I think there has never been a more appropriate time to say Boo Ya bitches! Yeah, you thought you’d be able to stop me by voting, but you were wrong as usual. Nothing stops Bush baby, I’m invincible! No amount of slander/truth can get me out of office or stop this blog.

The only downside I can see to this whole being the President thing is that it will definitely take time away from my real passion… the rodeo.

I wonder how Kerry is holding up, I should really IM him sometime…

Flair and Balanced

2004-10-22T16:46:00.000-07:00

Douche bag John Kerry appeared on a talk show recently wearing an exaggeratedly oversized American flag lapel pin, as if to say he was more patriotic.

Well, not to be out done, I added more flair to my suit last week while working the bully pulpit, needless to say I look extremely proud to be an American.

Yet douche bag John Kerry fired back by wearing a ridiculous American Flag suit. Unfortunately for me, he looks strikingly similar to Uncle Sam, and I am therefore in a rush to find an even more flamboyant way to prove my patriotism to the American people.

Perhaps...

Axis of Evil

2004-10-20T14:40:00.000-07:00

How come the Axis of Evil has more countries than the Coalition of the Willing? What's with that?

(Coalition of the Willing - and just look how willing!)

(Axis of Evil - I couldn't find a nasty looking picture of Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, that guy's always waving!)

C.O.W. - USA, UK, Poland, Italy and Australia
Axis of Evil - Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Tony Danza, Libya, Syria and Cuba

I'm seriously going to have to take one of those countries off the Axis altogether just to even things out. And whatever happened to "you're either with us or against us." According to my list, Germany is teetering dangerously close to being against our involvement in Iraq, and if they aren't on our side soon, they're going to be against us very soon.

This is a war on terror, people! We need to all work together! Iraq is a hotbed of terrorist activity! We had to kill 200 terrorists on the streets of Fallujah just yesterday!

Hell, half of America isn’t even with us, and that makes them against us, which makes them on the Axis of Evil. That’s it, I’m updating this list…

Washington, Oregon, California, New Mexico, Iowa, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Vermont, New York, New jersey, Delaware, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maine, Hawaii, and Rhode Island; you've just been added to the Axis of Evil. I hope you're happy.

Another Terrorist Identified!

2004-10-19T23:51:00.000-07:00

The noose is tightening around the evil doer’s of Al Qaeda. This is an image of terrorist leader Hamden ibn Zayad Al-Nayan, and another unidentified man who is of no relevance. Rest assured – we will hunt down these terrorists and anyone who aids or associates with them, then bring them to justice! Any country or individual who supplies terrorists with weapons is considered a threat and a part of the axis of evil. You know who you are!

Karl Rove Attempts Suicide...

2004-10-19T13:54:00.000-07:00

I should have seen the warning signs...

(Senior Advisor Karl Rove lays down in front of Airforce One in an attempt to take his own life...)

I feel absolutely horrible... He even came to me a week ago and started offering me all his stuff. The part I feel worst about though, is that I took it all. Even his ipod, and I already have an ipod of my own. Does that make me a bad person? Now I have the awkward situation of deciding whether to give it back. I mean he gave it to me right, so technically it is mine, but at the same time, seeing as he is still alive and all, I suppose he might want some of it back. Well I will definitely give the ipod back, because I already have one and I believe it is the right thing to do (I have a very strong conscience).

He actually said that was why he tried to kill himself; he started listening to his conscience. But that's what the terrorists want us to do! If we start listening to our conscience, then the terrorists have already won...

That settles it, I'm keeping the ipod - not because I want or need it - but because the terrorists want me to give it back. That's not a bad idea for a new Doctrine... Do the Opposite of What the Terrorists Want, No Matter What Doctrine... Well I can think of a better name for it later.

I'm Done Workin'... Kerry Can Have My Friggin' Job

2004-10-16T13:43:00.000-07:00

Uhhhggg... do I have to hear about AIDS again? I have wars to plan and people to kill, and all they want me to work on is the AIDS epidemic in Africa. Reagan was right! This is a disease sent by God to punish the wicked for being Gays. I just didn't realize how fruity Africa was until just recently... over 30 million people in Africa have AIDS and are assumedly a Gay. Wait a minute... let me do the math real quick...

Whoa wait a second, 30 to 40 percent of the population of some of these countries are Gays with AIDS. That can't be right! Whatever, it is not the point. The point is people want me to solve this problem and I'm just one man... One man... What can I do?

Luckily I'm the President, so I don't have to think of things to do, I have people to do that for me - and in this case my people suggested I take a stance of abstinence. That makes sense, because abstinence works so well in American High Schools - it has to work in the middle of the friggin' desert.

Our only other option was to spend the 15 billion dollars set aside by congress to solve the problem with condoms, and we all know that condoms may prevent people from getting AIDS, but it doesn't prevent them from having sex out of wedlock - the real issue here. That's why I get paid the big bucks, cause I think outside the box.

So, help me stop the AIDS epidemic; by forcing 1/3 the population of Africa to stop "doin' it," as the kids like to say.

Unless...

We could somehow contain the entire continent so as not to infect us...

Terrorist Level: Fuschia

2004-10-14T02:20:00.000-07:00

So there was like some sort of terrorist threat today immediately following the Presidential Debates, and I was rushed off to a "secret" city designed and used solely by government officials. I'll bet you can't guess where I am! Ok, I'll give you a few hints, but if you figure it out don't tell the axis of evil...

I'm nibblin' on sponge cake...

I've spent the entire day looking for my lost shaker of salt...

There's booze in my blender...

Still can't guess?! Well I guess it is a secret for a reason, and I suppose if you can't figure it out you probably shouldn't know; the government is like that sometimes. I've also brought along some close personal friends of mine, and I'll bet you'll have a hard time guessing who they are... Here are some more clues...

One of my friends' name rhymes with Prick Laney...

This other "friend" of mine was the real masterminded of the "War on Drugs," the "War on Terror," and the equally popular, but less mentioned "War on Fatties."

This special guest's name starts with an 'S', ends with an 'R' and has an 'chwarzenegge' in the middle...

If you must know, I've provided an answer key at the bottom...
Add up the points and see how you did:

- 0 out of 4 - not good, one of those was a giveaway!
- 1 out of 4 - congratulations, your GED is in the mail!
- 2 out of 4 - you belong in a mid-level federal government position!
- 3 out of 4 - you really know your leaders and their secret hide aways!
- 4 out of 4 - awesome! Have you considered working for the NSA?

Answer key:
A. Secret hide away - Margaritaville
B. Dick Cheney
C. Dad!
D. Condi Rice

Electronic Voting

2004-10-13T01:30:00.000-07:00

Some people are worried about Electronic Voting because they say my administration might take advantage of its flaws, but did you know that those Electronic Voting machines use the same reliable Windows Operating System which never crashes on your home computer? I wouldn't know, because I use a Mac, but I hear that Windows has had very few, if any, security breeches, so there is absolutely no chance whatsoever that some disgruntled twenty-something with nothing to lose and an enflamed ego, upset with the world and its current politics, will ever get past the impenetrable fortress that is – Windows.

Besides, what are the odds that voting could get screwed up two elections in a row? I trust the American people (every last one of them, even the 6.9 million Americans in prison or on parole [that’s only 3.2 % of the population!]), don’t you?

Well, I trust everyone except the Arab-Americans, because they come from the Fertile Crescent, and that sounds like an innuendo for a moon shaped vagina - which both confuses, and scares me.

(Fertile Crescent... or sideways vagina?)

Workin’ My Air Guitar to: Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen

2004-10-11T19:30:00.000-07:00

Damn this song is awesome, makes me want to pump billions back into our aging space program! Well, billions more that is.

Slept in today, woke up at around 3 and realized I’d missed all my meetings. Welp, nothing I can do now. I love it how nobody ever asks me to explain where I’ve been. It’s like they all assume I’m completely infallible (which I practically am), and then everyone else tries to cover for me just to maintain that infallible image to justify the fact they supported someone who was wrong. But sometimes I wished they’d just talk to me, ya know? Like this whole Texas Air National Guard thing, accusations, accusations, accusations! Has anyone even asked me if I showed up for duty?! No! They always ask my press secretaries or my campaign headquarters. Hello, I have a phone! Write me a letter! Shoot me an email for Christ’s sake, but don’t go around making assumptions. If Dan Rather really wanted me to admit I didn’t show up for duty and that I only completed 300 of my 500 flight hours to satisfy my combat equivalency, he could have just asked. Hell, most of those records are public anyway; he could have read a book.

Now am I saying I want to be persecuted for all the crap I pulled while I was supposed to be in Vietnam – No! But when Clinton was President he got to do all sorts of Press meetings, and answer all sorts of questions, and he got the chance to lie and/or admit guilt publicly, a right which I have been denied! Now I know what all of those poor tortured prisoners in Iraq feel like. The ones under Saddam’s reign, not mine.

On the plus side, all this lying people do for me means less public speaking – always a plus. Well it’s almost bed time, better run down and hit up the masseuse before she heads home for the night.

Don’t stop me don’t stop me
Don’t stop me hey hey hey!
Don’t stop me don’t stop me ooh ooh ooh (I like it)
Don’t stop me don’t stop me
Have a good time good time
Don’t stop me don’t stop me ah!

I’m a rocket ship on my way to mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite I’m out of control
I am a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to
Oh oh oh oh oh explode

I’m burning through the sky yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That’s why they call me Mr. Fahrenheit
I’m trav’ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman of you

-Queen

Who Would God Vote For?

2004-10-08T16:47:00.000-07:00

If you have any doubt in your mind about who to vote for in the upcoming election, let me just say that I think I have one very valuable endorsement from a little guy known as the Big Guy upstairs.

(Michelangelo's Creation of Bush)

Now, I can’t be for sure (after all, the picture is something I did in Photoshop and not an authentic Michelangelo rendition of the Creation of Man), but I believe I can assume the Big Guy is in favor of me for several reasons.

First of all, I went to war (not in the sense that I fought in war, but that I sent others to fight in war), and when America goes to war, God is always in our favor – against the gooks, against the japs, against the nips, against the krauts, against the reds, against the tories, against the rebs, against the spics, against the reds again, and against the bugs (rent Starship Troopers, brilliant documentary about one of our finest intergalactic victories). God wanted them all to lose, and for the most part they did, except the tories the second time around and some of the gooks.

Second of all, John Kerry is a Catholic, and we all know Catholics have a tendency to die during their first term as President – another sign from God that Catholicism is the worst/wrong religion.

Finally, if God didn’t want me to be President, He would have said something already, or tried to kill me in some obscure fashion thereby leaving evidence of His will, but simultaneously shrouding it in such obscurity that doubt would still remain. For instance, if I choked on, let’s say; a piece of steak, fell while riding some impossibly stable transportation device, or formed grotesquely visible legions all over my skin. Now those would be clear indicators from God that He didn’t want me to be President. Obviously nothing like that has happened during my Presidency, so we can assume God likes my political stance on issues like the Right to Bear Arms in Heaven, or the right to keep Gays out of Heaven. God works in mysterious ways, and God wants Four More Years!

Proof Saddam Considered Intending to Re-start Thinking about Re-Starting Iraqi Weapons Program!

2004-10-07T14:30:00.000-07:00

All you liberal whackos out there who said Saddam wasn’t a threat to America? Well I have proof he was!

The CIA created a mind reading device (see photo)

which was placed on Saddam’s head late last night, and the results which came back were startling. Among the thoughts we extracted from his mind were these tasty unpatriotic, anti-American tidbits…

(Actual thoughts of Saddam)

“Man, what happened, this sucks.”

“I wish I was in Cuba.”

“Ya know, maybe I should have made weapons of mass destruction. Yes, in hindsight, if I knew they were going to invade me anyway, I would have made weapons. Damn, I should have been prepared. This is what I get for being optimistic.”

“I wish I knew that Osama Bin Laden guy right about now.”

“I have to admit, Bush did look very heroic in the weeks that followed September 11th; hanging out with those firefighters was a way better photo op than me shooting a shotgun from a balcony. I need to get that Scott McClellan guy. Hell, if i knew they'd invade me I would have helped Bin Laden with the attacks. I'm such a fool! Ah hell, I did everything wrong!”

“Is it potato, or potatoe?”

“Why me!?”

“I wonder if I could get that hot Abu Ghraib prison guard to come down here, strip me naked, and then walk me around on a leash again... what can I say, I have a thing for chicks with short hair in army clothes.”

So it looks like my doctrine of pre-emptive preemption based an assumptions was accurate… I dare anyone to dispute that!

Who's to Blame for the Middle East Crisis -

2004-10-06T23:28:00.000-07:00

& some insightful solutions

Any idiot could tell you that these suicide bombings in Israel have been going on for months now, and I thought to myself, "Hey, I'm the President of the most powerful nation in the world, perhaps I could do something." But before we solve this complicated and devastating situation, we must first understand it...

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE WORLD:
A wise man once said, “The answers to all of life’s questions are in the Bible.” My question is, “Who is to blame for the problem in the Middle East?” The answer to my question:

Jesus.

Now hear me out… None of this would have happened if Jesus had only shaved his beard, dressed like a woman, and moved to Afghanistan. Let me explain. Two thousand and four years ago, a man named Jesus was killed in front of a Jewish mob in Jerusalem. Nothing really happened after that for another 1,913 years except a lot of Jewish persecution, and possibly some sort of renaissance. But one year later, all hell broke loose when Arch Duke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated. All of a sudden, everyone was enemies with everyone, and your mother. One guy said one thing, another snapped back, some things were said that people really didn’t mean, and the world went to shit.

When the dust… and bullets… and mortars… and grenades… and body parts settled, Europe looked worse than a Mike Tyson bachelor party (see photograph).

When America asked, “Who did this?” Europe replied in unison, “He started it,” gesturing wildly at everyone else on the continent. Unfortunately for Germany, a majority of the fingers were pointed in the direction of the man with the pointy hat eating the bratwurst, and so a lifetime of punitive damages was sentenced upon Germany, and Germany could not afford it with such high APR rates and an already sketchy credit history.

Meanwhile, Jesus was still dead.

A few years of rebuilding a devastated infrastructure and shattered economy followed, a pogrom here and there, maybe a nice little Jewish wedding and that brings us up to the mid- 1930’s. Now, you can understand the German people are not in the best place right now; they just lost a war, they are not allowed to build an army to defend themselves… and they are German. It was a tough time to be around. Then along comes a guy named Adolph who promises the German people power, money, funny mustaches! Adolph tells the people of Germany,

“Its not your fault life is so crummy; blame it on the inferior Jew! He killed Jesus! His hair is not blonde! He is responsible for your awful lot in life!”

The people of Germany believe it, and why not? It makes sense… I mean, they are inferior right… maybe the Jews did kill our prophet… I suppose their hair is not a beautiful shade of blonde. Lets face it Germany, how can you be expected to accept responsibility with hair as beautiful as yours?! The problem with humans starts with the fact that they can not take blame for their actions (which will tie in later to a man named Donald Rumsfeld, who still refuses to accept responsibility for taking a bite of my turkey sandwich I left in the fridge with my name on it, see photo).

So Adolph goes around killing Jews with the will of all of Germany. Long story short, the war ends and the Jews are freed back into a country that hates them as much as I do. Some of the Jewish people are hesitant to go back home to neighbors that in the preceding years were literally trying to kill them, and so the United Nations with not much more to do with their time in 1947, sent some of the Jewish people back to their roots; the place where that Jesus guy was executed; Jerusalem.

No more worries, right!

EXCUSE ME SIR, I WAS LIVING THERE:
What the Hell? Who put people here? The following is actual dialogue from the first few days of the relocation of the Jewish people.

“Excuse me Jew, but I was living there.”
“I don’t see your name on it.”
“Uh, it is right there on that sign that says Palestine.”
“I believe the Jews were here first, pssh (does the hand thing).”
“No, you see Palestinians have been living here for the last few centuries."
“Well the Jews lived here several centuries before you, and I believe the Jewish people called Tapsies (Tapsies is Yiddish for Dibbsies).”

You can feel the tension in the conversation already, and that was before it got bad. Within a year of the UN’s relocation plan, Israel declared itself a state in what was originally British-controlled Palestine.

“Peace” existed for roughly 12 years until, in 1960; Gamal Nasser proclaimed that Egypt and the Arab world would never recognize a Jewish state. So began the preparations for the Six Days War (which was later declared in 1962 the worst name for a war ever), with the bombing of Israel from the Golan Heights by Syria. Once again a few words were exchanged, and again some people said some things they did not mean while simultaneously Egyptian troops moved towards the border of Israel at the Sinai Peninsula. On May 18, 1967, the Six Day War began when the UN emergency forces were expelled from protecting Israel, and the voice of the Arabs declared,

“As of today, there no longer exists an international emergency force to protect Israel. We shall exercise patience no more. We shall not complain any more to the UN about Israel. The sole method we shall apply against Israel is total war, which will result in the extermination of the Zionist existence. Also, as of today, the Bon Marche will be having blowout prices on all clothing in prepartion for the big back to school sale.”

Make another long story short; after the unsuccessful Six Day War ended the dust settled again and in a complete reversal Israel now controlled the Golan Heights, The Sinai Peninsula, the Gaza strip, and the West side of the Jordan river known as the West Bank. This total turn around in events has been compared to the Vietnamese success in the Vietnam War, but at least we did not lose Montana, Virginia, California, and parts of the Mississippi in the whole mix up. Despite the somewhat embarrassing defeat of the Arab people, “peace” existed for another five years until the UN ran out of things to do again, and adopted resolution 242 which created peace with Israel’s adjacent countries in exchange for the lands that were seized during the Six Day War. Problem solved, right?

THE CURRENT SITUATION:
For the last couple of decades, Israel and Palestine have been sharing the land… sort of. Israel controls it, but allows Palestinians to live in reservation type deals, similar to how we held up the Native Americans. Unfortunately for Israel, the old small pox infected blanket routine had been done to death, and the Palestinians were on to our game. So once again, Palestine is upset that they do not own their own land, and that they are a guest in occupied territory. In the immortal words of Met's announcer Bob Murphy,

"And heeerrrreeee coommee the suicide bombings"

Because that is the way to get things done! The whole idea of peace negotiations brings out the suicide bombers like insects to road kill, because their doctrine of kill and be killed is the only solution to wiping the other side off the planet. Hell, if those two don’t knock it off, I am about to come back there and give them something to bitch about. Hence the American involvement begins.

Like my father to disputes with my brothers, America stuck its big fat head into what really was not our problem to begin with. It seems that in trying to help out relocated, persecuted, bombed out Jews, we made more enemies by supplying the Israeli’s with our own weapons (by the way, my dad never gave us weapons to help my brother or myself during our fights. My dad spent his time giving weapons to the Iraqis when he worked as the director of the CIA, and then taking them away as President when he invaded that country later in 1991).

THE SOLUTION:
So there are only two solutions to the Middle East issue that America could execute without making enemies. We can either go back in time and kill that son of a God Jesus before that prick Pontius Pilot gets a chance at him, or settle the issue with the relocation of Palestinians… To Montana, because lets face it people, I’m not using it, are you? They can live happily ever after with the Asians for all I care. Problem solved.

Executive Order 9066 - Our Finest Hour

2004-10-06T01:11:00.000-07:00

What’s the biggest problem in America today?

Chinamen!

The problem with Asians is you can’t keep track of them; they’re like sand – they’re everywhere and they’re yellow. I have this Chinaman secretary, Ms. “Kitagawa,” and she has the slantiest eyes you’ve ever seen, sometimes I wonder if she can see me when I’m giving her orders, or if she’s even awake.

Now I realize it is impractical to simply stop them from getting married and scientists have informed me that they share the same genetic makeup we whites do; so a race specific disease is out of the question. I’m skeptical, but I guess we pay them to think for us right?

Anyway, this is my plan; a gentleman’s agreement if you will… We agree to educate their children already in our country, and they agree not to immigrate to our country ever again. If they break the rules, we ship them off to live in Montana, as far as my preliminary CIA intelligence reports suggest, no one else is living there currently so there shouldn’t be any problems.

Did you know?

2004-10-04T22:28:00.000-07:00

The President of the United States has the power to launch Nuclear weapons without prior approval from congress? And to think, I wasted all that time convincing them to let me go to Iraq when I coulda just brought freedom and Democracy to them the quick way. At least I feel a little more comfortable knowing that I'm the only one who can launch those weapons, and not some irrational, ignorant, unpredictable, belligerent whack job from Hicktown, USA. Well, what's done is done, I'll just take this lesson and learn from it for next time. *Wink!*

(Iran, South Korea, France; I'm looking at you!)

The Debates...

2004-10-01T01:45:00.000-07:00

Well. That went fairly well I think. Yeah, not too bad. Not the best. No. It could have been better. Ok, let’s be fair here; sure, I wasn’t on my game, in the zone, whatever, but I’ve got like 3 more debates anyway.

I did get one good point in; the blunt end of my glass of water.

Sonofabitch almost dodged that one too...

He’s a quick one that Kerry, you gotta give him that. Nonetheless I will stay the course, defeat the evildoers, bring freedom to Iraq with an Iron Fist if I have to (even if I have to kill every last Iraqi), honor the veterans, secure the homeland, September 11th, establish justice, promote the blessings of liberty, it’s a tough job we all know that, it’s gonna be tough, September 11th, Saddam Hussein was a bad man, the world is a safer place, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare an-n-n-d September 11th, September 11th and September 11th.

Son of a bitch! I mean come on! No one told me the damn debates were going to improvised let alone televised.

That John Adams was full of shit.

One of my better Photoshop projects...

2004-09-29T22:40:00.000-07:00

I had some extra time today just sitting around the office, so I worked on this little masterpiece...

(Kerry as the devil; note horns, red eyes and fangs)

This kind of satire is genius and simple! All you have to do is use a red pen (or Photoshop), find a poster of your opponent and then satirize the crap out of them like they were your gimp. I feel like P.D. East or Monoculus poking fun at the devil.

To be completely fair, I stole the idea from a group of Georgetown college kids who posted a picture of me with similar horns, red eyes and fangs on a street lamp near their campus. I'll admit the idea was quite good, so I hope they don't mind I tweaked it a little. You really do have to wade through a lot of shitty political satire to find the good stuff, but when you catch lightning in a bottle like this little piece of work, you really have something special.

Reagan's Dream

2004-09-28T18:30:00.000-07:00

If any of you have been watching the news lately, you know what kind of shit storm I’m in. They got a hold of this picture…

Now a lot of agencies are saying that I have been faking the entire Iraq war with special effects and stock footage of soldiers walking around and shooting at stuff. I guarantee you, the Iraq war is real! I swear I’m not lying this time. Yes, the whole “Why we went into the war” was bullshit, but the war itself is real. As for the dewback and storm trooper in the background, well they’re fake. I captured Lucas and before I was about to execute him, he pleaded for his life and convinced me that the Iraq war was missing something, a certain je ne se qua if you will. He argued that what the war needed was some new heroes; storm troopers! Needless to say, he sold me on the idea (don't worry, I still executed him).

I even get my very own black cape and death star in the deal, through which I will vicariously complete Reagan’s lifelong dream, albeit posthumously. He would have wanted it this way.

Speaking of which, I think this is the weekend we can finally raise the flags back to full mast. Reagan would have wanted us to have moved on by this time. Ya know I half expected him to resurrect three days later and take his seat at the right hand of the father, but life can’t always be like in the movies.

I am sooo grounded...

2004-09-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

Ah Jesus H. Tap Dancing Christ! My mom found out I have a weblog, and she read it, and now my life is practically over. Mom found the site somehow and read the part about Laura being on the rag, and how I get erections while thinking about Condi at meetings and now she's in the hospital with symptoms of a stroke. Now my mind is racing to figure out if I wrote anything about doing coke, or whores.

As embarrassing as this is, it's not as embarrassing as the time she caught me masturbating in the Lincoln bedroom during Dad's presidency. In my rush to cover up I grabbed an original copy of the Emancipation Proclamation and used it as cleanup; I have to hear about that every Juneteenth, let me tell you.

Speaking of embarrassing, check out this...

(to be fair, I added the vote for Bush part, with the American flag)

Kerry tried catching a baby and inadvertently showed the world he couldn't catch, thus substantiating my entitlement to the thrown. Some people say that to be President of the United States, one needs to know the names of foreign leaders, the names of key foreign countries or the names of all 50 states. Well I might not be able to do all that, but I sure as hell can catch a friggin' baby if thrown at me, which in my opinion is as, if not more important.

George Lucas Best Start Running

2004-09-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

The law is a funny thing. As President of the United States, I am still under the scrutiny of the law. If I j-walk, I get a fine. If I threaten to kill someone, I can be charged with a felony and serve jail time. But since the Death Penalty is legal, I can technically say "I want George Lucas executed," and not get in trouble for anything. In fact, funny thing about the law, I can have George Lucas executed, and since I'm the Commander and Chief of the most powerful military in the world, I can pretty much do whatever I want.

Sooo... for crimes against humanity, and for crimes against the Star Wars series, I hereby replace Osama Bin Laden with George Suckass as the number one Most Wanted man on the FBI's top ten list. There is currently a $25,000,000 reward for the capture or execution of said criminal.

(George Lucas at the next RNC if he doesn't shape up his act)

For those who haven't heard:
George Lucas digitally added in Jar Jar Binks into the original Star Wars series, along with Hayden Christensen and other crap. He also removed the ewok's song at the end of Return of the Jedi, which was my favorite part of all the Star Wars films. Now I personally haven't seen the new DVDs, but my friend Colin was bitching about it earlier, and I agree. Besides; Lucas is probably a Hollywood Liberal anyway, so one more dead celebrity equals one less vote for Kerry.

Now we got three wars waging in America thanks to me and my dad; a war on drugs, a war on terrorism, and a war on crappy remakes of classic films. Rest assured; America will not give in to the will of mad men with video cameras, massive egos and large budgets. Freedom will prevail.

Plus this pretty much means I can stop focusing so hard on the war on terror like I did on the war on drugs. If, say in another 2 years, I haven’t captured or killed George Lucas, I can always start a new war on something else and forget about this one. We Americans are suckers that way.